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My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.

Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.

With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!

I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.

With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.

A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.

Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.

What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!

When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.

She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.

I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.

To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.

I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.
 

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My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.

Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.

With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!

I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.

With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.

A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.

Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.

What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!

When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.

She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.

I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.

To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.

I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.
I’m really sorry you’re here, but welcome to TAM.

I have zero encouraging things to say about your post.
Your wife is a liar and a cheater. You say she’s reformed, but you’re doubting that yourself. And now there’s suspicious behavior? out all night with guys at a house…doing what exactly? Yea right… you’ve heard this story before haven’t you?

You know exactly what’s going on.

The question is what are you going to do now.

If you want hard evidence, then you can let her do her thing and I’m sure you’ll get it. But really…why wait? Why go through the pain of further betrayal? I wouldn’t. Cut your losses. This one has serious damage and is lying to you.
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I’m really sorry you’re here, but welcome to TAM.

I have zero encouraging things to say about your post.
Your wife is a liar and a cheater. You say she’s reformed, but you’re doubting that yourself. And now there’s suspicious behavior? out all night with guys at a house…doing what exactly? Yea right… you’ve heard this story before haven’t you?

You know exactly what’s going on.

The question is what are you going to do now.

If you want hard evidence, then you can let her do her thing and I’m sure you’ll get it. But really…why wait? Why go through the pain of further betrayal? I wouldn’t. Cut your losses. This one has serious damage and is lying to you.
Thanks for the reply. I know it looks bad, but ultimate I want to, and do trust her, but then I worry that I'm just an idiot. She is very attractive and I love her very much, and we have kids, so I can't just walk away.

I'm also always keen not to come off as a typical jealous, close minded guy. I want to try and give people the benefit of the doubt, especially women.

I worry that my reaction to my wife's sexual history before me, is just because our society takes such a double standard on these sorts of things. I grew up a shy, awkward guy, so my sexual history is a lot more tame. But she grew up as an attractive young women, that basically had her pic of the guys. So would I have been any different? I don't know.

That said, she has had so much causal sex that I worry with a few drinks, she wouldn't have that barrier that I would, stopping me cheating. And them maybe she just felt really guilt and bad afterwards.

I don't want to judgemental, but I don't really know how to reconcile with picture of her with the woman I love.
 

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I know that's a joke, but based on what she has told me, seriously, that could be pretty accurate.
If it makes you feel any better my XW racked up her count AFTER we got married.
 

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OP, I'm a woman. I realize there is a double standard but even taking that into account your wife’s history is off the rails. I'd never date a guy with a history like that...it would tell me that the way he views sex is incompatible with my view. Your wife may not be wife material.

But ok, it's in her past and you didn't know the extent of it so here you are today.

Your wife has poor boundaries, and someone like her needs to avoid the appearance of impropriety as she's already demonstrated that her values are shaky. Really everyone needs to avoid the appearance but especially someone like her. I realize you can't just walk but you do need to take a hard line with this or this will be your life with her.....poor boundaries, lying, and bullshitting at best and actual cheating at worst.

Sit her down now and agree on boundaries. If she can't keep them you have some serious decisions to make.
 

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She downplayed the number of sexual partners she had before she dated you & she now admits to cheating when she was dating but claims she has been faithful to you, at least since you have been married.

Not. good but here's the thing, unless you have evidence to the contrary about cheating since you have been married, lies aren't cheating. You are paranoid now because you know facts which you didn't know before which rightly color your perception.

You have to admit to her that this new info plus the recent lie have seriously eroded your trust. Ask her what she thinks can be done to increase transparency & rebuild trust. Think about what you need for that to happen. I would assume honesty going forward would be important.

Absolutely keep an eye on things but don't do anything controlling like try to tell her she can't hold a job.
 

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In my view, your wife uses male attention to be validated, which makes being faithful difficult in the long run.

I would probably insist that she has no contact with these guys, even if it means quitting the job, and she probably needs help in figuring out how to be validated without needing male attention if the marriage is going to survive.
 

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Thanks for the reply. I know it looks bad, but ultimate I want to, and do trust her, but then I worry that I'm just an idiot. She is very attractive and I love her very much, and we have kids, so I can't just walk away.

I'm also always keen not to come off as a typical jealous, close minded guy. I want to try and give people the benefit of the doubt, especially women.

I worry that my reaction to my wife's sexual history before me, is just because our society takes such a double standard on these sorts of things. I grew up a shy, awkward guy, so my sexual history is a lot more tame. But she grew up as an attractive young women, that basically had her pic of the guys. So would I have been any different? I don't know.

That said, she has had so much causal sex that I worry with a few drinks, she wouldn't have that barrier that I would, stopping me cheating. And them maybe she just felt really guilt and bad afterwards.

I don't want to judgemental, but I don't really know how to reconcile with picture of her with the woman I love.
OP I get what you’re saying and you seem like a nice guy.

But dude, you have some really rose-colored glasses on and you’re going to be hurt really bad. Wake up and put an end to the bs. At the bare minimum, you know she is lying to you and is doing things that have a really suspicious look. Yea, in a perfect world she could be totally innocent. Guess what. People are broken and this world ain’t perfect. Your wife is broken.

I’ve been where you are, I’m telling you. And with her starting the new job with her newfound boys…. brace for impact OP.
 

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At the very least, she shouldn't be "going out" or drinking anything stronger than water unless you're right by her side.

And I'd tell her to quit, or turn down, the damned job.

Also, you need to be keeping an eye on her. All the time.

And document everything so when you DO get divorced, maybe you can keep the kids and not have to support her.

Uck, I'm sorry you're in this awful mess. I feel for you dude.
 

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In my view, your wife uses male attention to be validated, which makes being faithful difficult in the long run.

I would probably insist that she has no contact with these guys, even if it means quitting the job, and she probably needs help in figuring out how to be validated without needing male attention if the marriage is going to survive.
Agreed. This is pretty common with women and such women are not good long term partners. It gets worse with age as they need more and more attention to reassure themselves that they're still attractive.

Boundaries are super important.
 

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Lately, your eyes have been opened by that confession of her former, jaw dropping promiscuity.

Now, your eyes are bugged out full, and they remain sore as hell.


So, she definitely lied about her whereabouts that night.

She may not have physically cheated, but it sure looks that way.

Think about it-
Two ladies, and three men in a house drinking, tells a story.
A story, a married woman does not belong in.

Her boundaries were nonexistent in the past and now she seems to have abandoned them again.
This present, horniness on her part is a live giveaway.
She is in the mood.

That ripe fruit is pluck for picking.


Where do you go from here?

You have no proof that she shared her body that night.

Question:
When she came back later that night in the cab, did she shower?
Or, did she smell like she had showered before coming home?

Going forward, I would go into full detective mode and keep a keen eye on her.

DO NOT TIP HER OFF.
Eyes open, mouth shut.

If she is going to cheat, you cannot stop her.
Nor, should you desire to.
You are not a bobby, that policeman.

You only need to confirm your suspicions, that she is not marriage worthy.
Give her rope, let her tie herself in over-lying, not-me's.

You will have your answer within the next year.

Good Luck, Mate. :rolleyes:
 

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My wife and I have been married several years, and we've had some really rough patches where she had post natal depression and dealt with it with alcoholism. But she has been sober for quite a while now.

Our sex life has become kind of insane, maybe it's because she finally settled into herself, but her sex drive is like nothing I've experienced before. We have sex multiple times a day, but I still catch her masturbating. I actually think she would want it even more than we do now, but it's all I can manage really.

With her new openness has come some honesty about her past. She admitted that she lied about how many men she had slept with before me. I guess I assumed she had fudged the numbers somewhat, but I had no idea the extent of her promiscuity! She admits that she doesn't know how many men she has slept with, but that it is "over 100", but based on some of the things she's told me, even that is likely understating it. Seems like it's less "100" and more "hundreds"!

I consider myself an enlightened, understanding guy, so I've tried to take this in my stride. But I feel like it casts a different light on some things. There are incidents that I just trusted her, and now I'm doubting that, especially because she admitted that she has cheated on almost every guy she's ever dated! Although she said she has been faithful to me, and got upset when I asked her about it.

With my slightly more skeptical outlook, I don't know if I should be worried about something that happened last week, or if I should let it go.

A friend of hers has been talking about getting her a job for a while, and she's been out for drinks with people that her friend works with. I worry whenever she goes out with other people that are drinking, because of her previous drinking problems. She says that she doesn't drink or only has one glass, but I worry.

Last week she unexpectedly ran into this friend and ended up staying out with them all evening. She told me she was going to stay out and I said that was ok. But then at about 8pm she said she was going back with some people, including one of her friends that I trust, to one of their houses. While she was at that house, I spoke to her once and she sounded weird and then didn't respond to calls or texts for nearly 2 hours. I was assuming she would get the last train home, but that time came and went, and I hadn't heard from her. At 12:30 am she said that she was in a taxi on the way home and someone was paying for the taxi.

What she didn't realise is that in the meantime I'd caught her in a lie. I messaged the friend that I trusted, and they hadn't even been out that night!!

When she got home, I let her spin her story about what happened, and then I told her I knew she was lying. She basically doubled down on the lie and we reached a bit of an impasse. It was late and I wanted some sleep, so we went to bed. She was up most of the night, clearly worrying that I had caught her out. In the morning I reconfirmed that the friend had not been out and I confronted her again.

She told me that she had been at the house with her friend that is trying to get her a job, her boyfriend, and then 2 other guys that the friend knows. She told me she was worried it looked bad and I would worry, she lied just so I wouldn't worry. I asked her a bunch of questions to try and clarify things. She told a convincing story, and although she lied, nothing bad happened.

I want to believe her, but also she had all night to come up with a better lie, so I don't know.

To cap it all off, she is now starting that job, so she will run into these guys that something may or may not have happened with. And my suspicions and knew understanding of her past makes me worry about how this job will pan out.

I've tried to be a bit vague to maintain anonymity. I can be a bit more clear in a private chat if that helps.
I'm sorry to say that when you combine your wife's sexual history, her high drive, the lying and the story as you shared it, she had sex with at least one of those men that night. Zero question about it. The lie and doubling down on it is all you need to know. She didn't lie because she thought you would worry, she lied because she didn't want you to know she was out late shagging other guys while you sat home worrying about her. Don't be a fool.
 

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Agreed. This is pretty common with women and such women are not good long term partners. It gets worse with age as they need more and more attention to reassure themselves that they're still attractive.

Boundaries are super important.
Sure, a ladies physical appearance counts for a lot.

Those Soap Opera's and Reality Shows on TV reveal this insecurity to a tee.

Um.
With men, there is a slight difference.

Horn dogs, not withstanding, some married men crave that emotional connection that they do not (find) at home.

It is a good feeling, knowing that someone finds them worthy of loving attention.
Marriage partners are known for taking each other for granted.
Hence, finding that side lover.



Are Dee-
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Lately, your eyes have been opened by that confession of her former, jaw dropping promiscuity.

Now, your eyes are bugged out full, and they remain sore as hell.


So, she definitely lied about her whereabouts that night.

She may not have physically cheated, but it sure looks that way.

Think about it-
Two ladies, and three men in a house drinking, tells a story.
A story, a married woman does not belong in.

Her boundaries were nonexistent in the past and now she seems to have abandoned them again.
This present, horniness on her part is a live giveaway.
She is in the mood.

That ripe fruit is pluck for picking.


Where do you go from here?

You have no proof that she shared her body that night.

Question:
When she came back later that night in the cab, did she shower?
Or, did she smell like she had showered before coming home?

Going forward, I would go into full detective mode and keep a keen eye on her.

DO NOT TIP HER OFF.
Eyes open, mouth shut.

If she is going to cheat, you cannot stop her.
Nor, should you desire to.
You are not a bobby, that policeman.

You only need to confirm your suspicions, that she is not marriage worthy.
Give her rope, let her tie herself in over-lying, not-me's.

You will have your answer within the next year.

Good Luck, Mate. :rolleyes:
"Jaw dropping promiscuity" that's a good way to describe it. When she was telling me, my jaw did literally drop! And she wasn't even completely honest about it at first. She just said that she had no idea how many guys she'd been with because she never kept count, so I said:
"Is it more than 20?", "Yes"
"Is it more than 40?", "Yes"
"Is it more than 60?", "Erm, it's maybe about that"
I realise now that she just realised that it would take a LONG time to get close to the truth and she I guess was embarrassed.
But we then went through he Facebook friends list, and she counted up all the guys on that list that she has been with and it was already more than the number she had said.
So then she changed her story and said it was "about 100".
Well since then I've been keeping track of all the guys she has mentioned by name and things she has told me, and adding all them up gets to over 130 guys. And that doesn't include all of the random hookup guys and guys from bars, of which there was a ton!
I still feel like there is stuff she hasn't told me. It started out as jaw dropping, but I feel just numb about it, and if there is a guy that she met before me, I just have to assume she let him have sex with her.

Regarding last week, she said there were 2 women and 3 men there, but I'm a bit dubious about her friend and her boyfriend being there. She said that they went there because they often asked the guys whose house it was if they could stay there, because they didn't have a place to be alone. It didn't quite make sense. The only people I know for certain were the 2 other guys. Both of which drove her home apparently, she didn't actually get a cab, that was a lie too.

I have no proof of anything though. She didn't shower immediately. We did have sex that night, and she did seem a bit different, but not in the way you might imagine. She was actually drier than normal to be honest. Don't really know what that means.

As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!
 
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
OP, you made the mistake of confronting her about the lie... now, if your wife really is cheating, she will be extra careful and it will be more difficult to find more proof...
I figured it was more important to confront her early so it would be easier to deal with any lies or excuses she came up with. Things get lost in the mists of time.
 

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"Jaw dropping promiscuity" that's a good way to describe it. When she was telling me, my jaw did literally drop! And she wasn't even completely honest about it at first. She just said that she had no idea how many guys she'd been with because she never kept count, so I said:
"Is it more than 20?", "Yes"
"Is it more than 40?", "Yes"
"Is it more than 60?", "Erm, it's maybe about that"
I realise now that she just realised that it would take a LONG time to get close to the truth and she I guess was embarrassed.
But we then went through he Facebook friends list, and she counted up all the guys on that list that she has been with and it was already more than the number she had said.
So then she changed her story and said it was "about 100".
Well since then I've been keeping track of all the guys she has mentioned by name and things she has told me, and adding all them up gets to over 130 guys. And that doesn't include all of the random hookup guys and guys from bars, of which there was a ton!
I still feel like there is stuff she hasn't told me. It started out as jaw dropping, but I feel just numb about it, and if there is a guy that she met before me, I just have to assume she let him have sex with her.

Regarding last week, she said there were 2 women and 3 men there, but I'm a bit dubious about her friend and her boyfriend being there. She said that they went there because they often asked the guys whose house it was if they could stay there, because they didn't have a place to be alone. It didn't quite make sense. The only people I know for certain were the 2 other guys. Both of which drove her home apparently, she didn't actually get a cab, that was a lie too.

I have no proof of anything though. She didn't shower immediately. We did have sex that night, and she did seem a bit different, but not in the way you might imagine. She was actually drier than normal to be honest. Don't really know what that means.

As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!
Look, it is obvious your wife will spread her legs for almost anyone. It is unfortunate you found out this late in the game. You can certainly choose to stay married, but you know your wife has no problem lying to your face and has no problem spreading her legs for guys. Those two things don't usually add up to a happy marriage.
 

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As for her not being "marriage worthy", well... we are married, too late for that!
marriage worthy is not the same thing as being female or male.

"Marriage worthy" is a label for safe partners. It's for partners who are open and transparent from the start. It's for partners who have the right boundaries and see things like "intimacy" the same way you do. It's for partners who value you and protect your heart from harm.

She is not marriage worthy. You just aren't seeing it yet because she's pretty. I did the same thing. Welcome to the Titanic.
 
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