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51704 Views 146 Replies 37 Participants Last post by  lordmayhem, 
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I found texts between my wife and a co-worker. Nothing physical yet, but the intent/desire was clear. I found the texts yesterday as our daughter was playing with my wife's phone and couldn't get back to the game so she handed it to me (daughter is too young to read them so no worries there). It is clear my wife has feelings for this person and (at least in writing) would be willing to escalate it to physical.

I have not done anything except felt sick to my stomach for the last 2 days constantly. Been married for 8.5 years now. I am at a loss what to do.

Things haven't been great, we have been stressed and impatient with one another for a while now. We just had a really deep discussion about trying harder to make things better, to both be happier etc. The texts happened 11/22 and I found them after this discussion.

So I am at a loss of what to do now. I found this site and have been reading some stuff on line, considering going to a therapist too and talk through stuff for me and then go from there, but I am not sure how long I can have this information in my head and not say something.
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Confront her now, why are you waiting? She is the one who has done wrong, not you. Just because you had a talk with her about improving your marriage, she is not going to give up other man or her desires to see if he suits her better than you. It is comforting for her to know you want to work on the marriage, now she just has to decide which of you she wants.

How long will other man take to agree to get physical with your wife?

There are very, very few men who can run fast enough to get away from a woman who wants to have sex with him.
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K
Hi AZman,
I am so sorry to hear this. It hits close to home for me as I had a very similar situation happen. It super sucks and no one should feel the sickness and confusion you're going through right now. I didn't say anything for a few months, but I put spyware on his computer. I learned so much more than I ever wanted to know. I finally told him I knew what was going on and why. He doesn't know I have spyware on his computer -he just knows I saw his messages. Before I told him he lied to my face about what was going on. Seriously lied when I asked direct questions. Then once he knew I knew, he didn't lie he just got quiet. We're working on things now and it's a ton better but that trust issue is a tough one. If I had to do it again, I would talk to him right away about what I found. This site is great, there's lots of people to talk to and share with. Again, I'm super sorry for what you're going through. Let me know if you want to talk, I understand. :)
Kindabitter
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life101
Confront immediately. IC and MC ASAP and must.
A remorse is needed on part of the WW if true R is desired.
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T
Did you make a snap shot of the text?

Be prepared to be lied to and blamed. Do not let her label you controling and insecure.

DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCE!!!!!

As far as your wife is concerned you were told by someone.

I would highly recommend you find out who this OM(other man) is and if he has a wife or girl friend then do not tell your wife but expose the affair to the wife or GF.

This will do a couple of things, 1) the OM will throw your wife under the bus to save his own relationship. 2) you can compare notes with OM wife and 3) it will give you an extra set of eye in preventing the afffair to continue.

exposing the affair is one of the best way to stop the affair, just don't tell you wife and give her a chance to warn OM. The Om will do the damage control and you will lose out on a effectiveness of exposing the affait to his wife and GF.

Confronting your wife right now will leave a better chance for the affair to go underground, but if you envolve the OM wife or GF you have a better chance to blow this thing up for both your wife and her boyfriend...make sense?
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Thanks. I guess not confronting at the moment is self-preservation. Not asking = not knowing = not having it have to be my reality I guess. Writing it to post here sucked enough. Dumb I know.

I don't need spyware or anything like that, what I read was enough to know. The other person is in a relationship I believe and based on their responses isn't willing to cross the line at the moment, but that really doesn't help.

Trust will be a huge issue for me I know that too.
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life101 said:
Confront immediately. IC and MC ASAP and must.
A remorse is needed on part of the WW if true R is desired.
Click to expand...
Is there a key some where for what all these mean?
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alte Dame
Breathe deeply, stand up straight, shake off the doubt & confront your W with what you know. Sitting around feeling terrible isn't going to help anything & she won't suddenly decide to stop doing what's she's doing because of your silent hopes.

I'm one for saying things directly. There's definitely a place for keeping one's cards close to the vest, but I don't think this is the time.
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T
Dude this will continue if you don't expose it to the OM relationship, he will drop your chick in a heart beat.

The best way to get OM out of an already fragile marriage is to get OM to worry about his own relationship and bail on your wife.

This tactic will show your wife you are not a man to be messed with.
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life101
AZman said:
Is there a key some where for what all these mean?
Click to expand...
IC: individual counselling
MC: marriage counselling
R: reconciliation
WW: wayward(?) wife
ASAP: as soon as possible

sorry about that
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T
Rule #1 get OM completely out of the picture, then your wife will no onger be infected by him and she can start to focus on saving her marriage.
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T
You can't nice your way out of this, your oldlady needs to see you are not messing around here.

Expose the affair to OMW/GF (other mans wife/girlfriend)

This guy guy will back off big time.
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T
Let the OM confront your wife after you tell his wife or girl friend.
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T
It sounds like she was willing to take it physical but OM was not. The longer you wait to confront her and shut this down, the longer he has to change his mind.

Also OM is a co-worker. She has to find another job. They are in an intense emotional affair (EA) at the very least. That cannot be stopped of dealt with if they work in the same place and have constant contact.

Tell her she has one chance to make this right or divorce is the only option.
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T
Your wife may not like the exposure but she will respect it. I bet if the tables were turned your wife would be on the phone in a heart beat talking to the other womens husband and exposing the your affair.
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A
I don't believe the other person to be in a serious relationship so I don't think that will help. Maybe they aren't interested in my wife sexually so they didn't want to for that reason. I realize that means nothing for my situation, but I don't see it as helping me.
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Foghorn
Exposure. Make your wife's peccadillo uncomfortable, not the exciting choice, but embarrassing.

When you up the ante and make it a greater investment for the OM to text, have a physical affair, whatever, it lowers your wife's value and he sends her back to you. Then you can R, or not, as you choose.

As others pointed out, you cannot ignore or "nice" your way out of this. You will have to embarrass her.

Do it. and tell the OM's girlfriend as well. have the texts ready (printed) so she can't delete them.
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The Middleman
AZman said:
Thanks. I guess not confronting at the moment is self-preservation. Not asking = not knowing = not having it have to be my reality I guess. Writing it to post here sucked enough. Dumb I know.

I don't need spyware or anything like that, what I read was enough to know. The other person is in a relationship I believe and based on their responses isn't willing to cross the line at the moment, but that really doesn't help.

Trust will be a huge issue for me I know that too.
Click to expand...
Dude: Your waiting and being passive will only lead to your wife having sex with this guy. Your getting a lot of good advice here, heed it. But act quickly, decisively and be a man. Do not fear being called controlling and if you hear the words "He's Just A Friend" it means "I'm going to fvck him soon".

Talk to you wife and calmly, in measured tones, tell her you want full disclosure on this guy, you want to know everything. She will deny and react angrily. Don't let it phase you. Tell her you want full information on who this guy is, you want to see every text message and e-mail and you want her to send him a message ending all contact, Immediately.

As soon as you find out who this guy is, expose him to his wife or GF. Consider reporting him to the company's human resources department.

This is not going to be easy, expect your wife to fight you every step of the way, but what ever you do, do it now.
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A
All ready have shots of the texts, took pics with my phone so I had them. I agree EA is all ready there, I know I need to address it, and nice and ignoring will do nothing. I am not in denial, I know what needs to be done, just sucks.
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T
"They were just joking, they do it all the time with all the coworkers!"

" you don't pay any attension to me"

And why were you invading her privacy?

I hear this kind of crap from WW(wayward wifes)all the time here, so prepare your self.
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