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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have always had what I would call a good sex life - about 3 times a week, more or less consistently in the 7 years we've been together. I'm 31, she's 34.

Recently, though, she's become increasingly insistent, to the point she wants sex every single night and also frequently initiates it in the morning; she's also said a few times to me that she would have sex twice a day if possible. On a few occasions she has actually woken me up very early in the morning for sex.

It pains me to say it, because I still find her very attractive, but I don't think I can keep up with it. I'm sure you know how it is - I have a normal, busy working life, sometimes you come home and just want to veg...

But my main concern is that while she's my wife, I love her, and I think she's hot, because we're having sex so often it's starting to feel like a routine. It's almost like sex is becoming less a thing we do because we're attracted to each other, and more a thing we do because we have to - I'm starting to see it almost as a task rather than a sexual act. Almost "Okay, when I get home I have to write those emails, then after dinner take the bins out, change that light bulb, have sex, take a look at that report..." It kills the passion when it feels so much like something I have to do. And that, in turn, makes the sex itself less passionate and more routine.

It seems ridiculous, because I am sure there are people out there who are going to say "Are you kidding me? This is a problem?" But I'd like to know how to deal with it, because I have no idea how to even broach the subject. How do you tell a woman that you think she's beautiful, that you enjoy sex with her, but could we dial it down a little bit?
 

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So have you asked her to dial it down? What does she say?
 

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What would be a fair compromise in your opinion? 3x a week or ?
Have you discussed this with her?

Is everything else happy and good within the marriage?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
So have you asked her to dial it down? What does she say?
Sort of. I've said to her that I feel like our sex seems a bit like it's in a rut (ha ha, no pun intended) and we should try to inject some more passion into it, but I think she took that to heart a little bit and interpreted it as some sort of backhanded critique of her. She can be very sensitive about anything that could seem like a criticism, which makes me wary about raising the issue - the last thing I want to do is give her the impression I no longer find her attractive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
What would be a fair compromise in your opinion? 3x a week or ?
Have you discussed this with her?

Is everything else happy and good within the marriage?
Well, we could meet half way at once a day... :D

No, in seriousness, my ideal compromise would be "whenever the mood is right"...

As for everything else in the marriage, basically yes, happy and fine. We had a rough patch last year where we were separated for about 6 months, but have been properly together again for over a year now. I do sometimes wonder whether she is still insecure about things because of that mini break-up, and she's using sex as a way of cementing the relationship. But it's been a long time now and, as far as I know, I've given her no reason to feel insecure (I like to think of myself as an affectionate husband).
 

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Was she like this before the breakup?

If not, how often did you have sex before the breakup?
 

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Was their any infidelity involved in the breakup? Or did you or her date during the breakup?

Have you heard of hysterical bonding? It's normally fairly short term but i'm sure the time length varies a lot. Do you think it's this or ??
Many women get high sex drives during their 30's and 40's...but she IS extreme!
 

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Why did you break up?

Do you flirt with her every day and make her feel attractive?

Are you willing to try to naturally increase your testosterone and drive?
Are you fit?
Do you get enough sleep?

I would think a good compromise would be 6 times a week, but she probably needs you to desire her.
 

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But my main concern is that while she's my wife, I love her, and I think she's hot, because we're having sex so often it's starting to feel like a routine. It's almost like sex is becoming less a thing we do because we're attracted to each other, and more a thing we do because we have to - I'm starting to see it almost as a task rather than a sexual act. Almost "Okay, when I get home I have to write those emails, then after dinner take the bins out, change that light bulb, have sex, take a look at that report..." It kills the passion when it feels so much like something I have to do. And that, in turn, makes the sex itself less passionate and more routine.
Doesn't having sex every day make sex get old?Isn't this the reason why couples tend to have less sex as they get older?You keep having so much sex and it gets old.By the time you hit 40 your sex drive is shot....
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Was she like this before the breakup?

If not, how often did you have sex before the breakup?
No, she wasn't like that before - it was 2-3 times a week then.

Was their any infidelity involved in the breakup? Or did you or her date during the breakup?

Have you heard of hysterical bonding? It's normally fairly short term but i'm sure the time length varies a lot. Do you think it's this or ??
Many women get high sex drives during their 30's and 40's...but she IS extreme!
Yes, there was infidelity on both our parts, and I did date during the breakup, but I really thought that was in the past and behind us; now that I'm writing this, though, it's dawning on me (as bone-headed as I am) that it could actually be to do with that.

The hysterical bonding thing would sort of make sense if this was a few weeks/months after the break-up, but it's over a year ago now... However, something about the idea of her reconnecting with me after that through frequent sex does strike a chord with me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Why did you break up?

Do you flirt with her every day and make her feel attractive?

Are you willing to try to naturally increase your testosterone and drive?
Are you fit?
Do you get enough sleep?

I would think a good compromise would be 6 times a week, but she probably needs you to desire her.
Long story but my wife is Japanese, we met, dated and married there (I was there 7 years) and we had moved back to the UK for my work - she found this a bit hard and we had a tough year, which we both dealt with the wrong way by seeking solace in others... I think we both realised we were behaving like idiots and the period of separation made us a lot stronger in the end. (At least, as far as I know! ;) )

I'm very fit, gym 4-5 times a week, constantly flirting with her. Never imagined myself needing testosterone increased - how do you even do that?
 

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Perhaps you can put this on yourself... tell her that your body seens to need more time to rebuild the hormones between sex... so you think that you two need to cut back to once a day.

Compromise.
 

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Long story but my wife is Japanese, we met, dated and married there (I was there 7 years) and we had moved back to the UK for my work - she found this a bit hard and we had a tough year, which we both dealt with the wrong way by seeking solace in others... I think we both realised we were behaving like idiots and the period of separation made us a lot stronger in the end. (At least, as far as I know! ;) )

I'm very fit, gym 4-5 times a week, constantly flirting with her. Never imagined myself needing testosterone increased - how do you even do that?
It's probably largely due to the infidelity. Have you had counseling?

How are you both willing to prevent it from happening again?

Also do you flirt with other women? And have you cut contact with any of the women you were involved with?

You can google ways to increase your testosterone naturaly, eat certain things, do lunges etc
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
It's probably largely due to the infidelity. Have you had counseling?

How are you both willing to prevent it from happening again?

Also do you flirt with other women? And have you cut contact with any of the women you were involved with?

You can google ways to increase your testosterone naturaly, eat certain things, do lunges etc
I've been accused from time to time over the years of being a compulsive flirt. But yes, all contact with the other women is over, except for literally one email when I found out about a death in the family.

We haven't had counselling. Neither of us are the sort of person to do that. Listen, I'm British, she's Japanese: we're experts in repressing our feelings and not talking about how we feel. :D

As for preventing it happening again, we just promised each other not to. For me those days are over, and I thought I'd conveyed that impression to her, but I'm realising perhaps that isn't the case. This has been very helpful, actually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Perhaps you can put this on yourself... tell her that your body seens to need more time to rebuild the hormones between sex... so you think that you two need to cut back to once a day.

Compromise.
Thanks, will give that a try.
 

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When I was incessantly demanding sex from my mid 40's H, he did up telling me he needed a day off to build up some more reserves.

I understood that, it did not upset me or make me doubt his committment. Try just explaining that to her & offering a non-sexual cuddle with chat.

It could be she feels she is not connecting with you enough at the moment & is using the sex to maintain that feeling.
 

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Opensesame,

Welcome to my world, you're not alone. However it seems that other posters have pretty much said what I wanted to say... darn it.

Anyways have you explored the possibility of a sex addiction? That's the extreme case, which I'm currently dealing with. However there are also a few members here on this forum who has had similar experiences with your wife (maybe not sex addiction though, but HD), look up SimplyAmorous or Mavash, they may be able to give you some insight, both are also very friendly and understanding.
 

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I've been accused from time to time over the years of being a compulsive flirt. But yes, all contact with the other women is over, except for literally one email when I found out about a death in the family.

We haven't had counselling. Neither of us are the sort of person to do that. Listen, I'm British, she's Japanese: we're experts in repressing our feelings and not talking about how we feel. :D

As for preventing it happening again, we just promised each other not to. For me those days are over, and I thought I'd conveyed that impression to her, but I'm realising perhaps that isn't the case. This has been very helpful, actually.
Personally I would quit the flirting and don't put yourself in a position where it could happen again. Focus on your wife.

I view men who need to flirt as needing an ego boost and not being fully satisfied. This might make your wife feel insecure.

Also an email over a death in the family is not no contact. There should be no contact, no matter what EVER. If you contact for any reason, it just says that you are willing to put the other womans' feelings ahead of your wifes.

And you need to go back to counseling and learn to become emotionally close.
 
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