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Hello,

I am 28 years old. I got married 3 months ago. My wife is 25 years old. We both agreed to have kid after few years. I said 3 to 4 years she said it's too late for her. Finally we both agreed to try for a baby after 2 to 3 years.

Within three months after marriage she started talking about having a baby. We use condom for contraception, primarily because she felt taking birth control piles might cause complication in pregnancy latter.

I am no way prepared for parenting. The changes of marriage itself is overwhelming for me and I am still getting used to those new responsibilities. Becoming a father now is unimaginable for me at-least for now. I really want to have a baby after 4 or 5 years.

I dont think my wife is physically prepared for it either. She is seriously underweight. She weighs 35kgs having a BMI of 15. That is really a concern. I don't think she is emotionally prepared either (I don't know). Main reason for her to purse me to have a kid is because of others influence. Most of her married friends have kids. She is with the impression if no kid without 6 months of marriage then chances of having a kid latter will be less. I know for fact that can't be true. She is just 25! She listens to couples who had kids in their late thirty, who advise us to have a kid within a year after marriage. Her mom and sister are asking about pregnancy. Her friends/relatives doesn't spare a change to ask is she pregnant yet? Are they kidding me? Seriously it is just 3 months!! I really want to spend few years alone with my wife before taking up another responsibility. She feels like if she can't take the heat because I am not cooperating and started telling blaming me.

Having a baby now will be my worst nightmare. I know it is a good thing. But got to be at the right time. I already feel like I have given up a lot of things for marriage itself (I can't do many things I love any more!).

Condoms are only 90% safe for contraception! I am worried what if it falls in that remaining 10% Now I am worried even to have sex.

She says not trying for a baby is breaking her heart :(. That is too much for me to take now! I am feel like she is emotionally blackmailing me; I hope she is not doing that deliberately. Sometimes I feel like being a victim. I don't think she gets my point. Looks like she thinks I am selfish. Probably true though. But I just cant have a baby now. It really makes me scary! I don't freak out like this to my wife. If I do that she might think I don't want to have a baby indefinitely. Whenever she brings this topic I politely say "After 2 years please". She really becomes unhappy when I say that.

How to convince her to delay pregnancy for next 3 years? If she doesn't agree how can I sabotage it? Ya I am sounding evil here. But I have right to determine when to become a father.

Thanks a lot in advance for your reply!
 

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Its really something you both should be on the same page about. Or it will cause serious problems down the road. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking things through, if you feel it will be your worst nightmare right now and you are not prepared then you are probably right.
 

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I'm 27 and my husband 29, and we're married since a month ago. We both agreed that it's better to have kids a few years later, with me between age 27 and 35. I understand that for a woman, having a child sooner would be better, but we both need to settle better first. Having to deal with new responsibilities, our jobs, as well as being prepared financially are very important points. And we need to have some stability with our career too.

Also, I want to enjoy some freedom before having our first kid. Right now, we have a dog and it's already a bit freedom limiting. We can't go out to cinema for a night during week days, we can't just go dinner outside unless we do it fast, since we have to walk the dog, and so on...

Are you both financially prepared? Also, she needs to take care of her health before having a baby... Tell her that if her baby is not well nourished, it has serious implications in the future.

Also, it's understandable that you are not prepared mentally, since you're just married recently. Waiting for at least 2 or 3 years would be better, forcing someone into some important decision is not good. Sometimes it might actually work out, but sometimes it doesn't and you might hold some negative feelings about the whole thing.

Also, is your wife working? Women gets more affected in terms of career, since they have to be away for some months, and it might affect their jobs. She should take this into consideration too before having a baby.
 

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I would not ever want a child after 30. That was my cut off age. We cut it close of having my 3rd at 28. The later you wait, the more problems with Down syndrome and other birth defects can happen.
 

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I don't think your concerns can be dismissed. If you're not financially and emotionally ready for a child, then that doesn't create the ideal situation to raise a baby. You'll definitely love your baby whenever it happens but it could be a point of resentment for many years.

It sounds like your wife is being pressured by her family, and it sounds like they're trying to live through her (they had babies older and wish they had them younger: enter young newlywed). If she has agreed to wait 2-3 years, then she needs to respect that, or have another real discussion about it with you, not just try to emotionally bully you into relenting.

I'm 25 too and pretty much as soon as I got married I started having the baby-cravings as well, but I know H and I aren't financially ready. We live in a less-than-ideal apartment, not a house, we have debts, I can't drive, still work part time, etc. so 2 more years will be a big difference for us in baby supplies, down-payment size and monthly mortgage payment, so I'm sucking it up and trying to wait at least one year before we re-assess.

And about 'sabotaging' her efforts to get pregnant, well there's only two non-evil ways to really do that, and it's either upping your condom game, or going without sex in the first place. Condoms aren't as bad as you think, 10% is based on their typical (often rushed and incorrect) use by 100 women over a period of a year. If you use them perfectly every time, only 2-3 women will get pregnant that year.

So make sure you read the instructions on the packet, slow down while putting it on, and be careful. Don't let her emotionally bully you, and don't enter her without one.
 

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Hello,

We both agreed to have kid after few years. I said 3 to 4 years she said it's too late for her. Finally we both agreed to try for a baby after 2 to 3 years.

Within three months after marriage she started talking about having a baby.
She agreed with you before marriage about the baby issue correct? So do you think once you all became married she just changed her mind all of a sudden or do you feel like when she said she "agreed" she lied about how she really felt?

I think once you said you both agreed to 2-3 yrs that sounds reasonable. If she feels like she would be to old or to late for her, in the next 2-3 or 3-4 yrs, then tell her you will go with her to the doctor, and sit down and discuss from a medical stand point what is considered "to old" and at what age could she expect to maybe have complications the older she gets. I have a feeling a doctor isn't going to tell you or her that in 2-3 yrs shes going to be to old or its going to be to late at 25 yrs old unless she already has female/medical issues.

I also think its wise of you to notice that you are not ready emotionally or financially, those are always things to take into consideration. I also believe there is no real "right" time nor are we ever really prepared, but I do think its good to be a little more stable, emotionally and financially for such a big responsibility.
 
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I think you have some good reasons to be concerned if your wife is so underweight. I think your wife and others who posted here also have good points about not waiting to have a child.

It sounds as if you are hesitant about your wife and marriage. This could be part of why she's pressuring you. I'm sure if I'm sensing this from your post, then she is really sensing it as she lives with you.

You said you do want to have children eventually, and that you're concerned about her weight. Here's what I'd encourage you to consider offering your wife: If she will gain a certain amount of weight so her pregnancy will be safer, you'll agree to start trying for a baby 10 months from now. That gives you time to get used to the idea, gives her a feeling of hopefulness and lets you know that you do love her and you're not just brushing her off. It will take time to get pregnant, and then another 10 months to have the baby (40 weeks). This puts you very close to the 2 year mark you've already agreed to, but you can also tell her that she must have a healthy weight before you will try. You could work with a physician on this.
 

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Truth, you are NEVER ready for children, you make the choice when and if you can , but you will NEVER be ready.
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Your wife is demonstrating a lack of maturity in multiple ways. 1) She can't stand up for you with her family. 2) She can't abide by a previous agreement. 3) She can't get past her obsession and see the bigger picture. 4) She can't delay her own gratification for the benefit of her marriage.

Regardless of her age, she is being very disrespectful of you by 1) pressuring you after you have been very clear about when you will be ready and 2) undercutting you with family and friends.

She is not ready to have children and doing so under these conditions is not likely to be good for your marriage. Work on your marriage (with outside help if needed) before you jump into parenthood.

Good luck
 

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Your wife is demonstrating a lack of maturity in multiple ways. 1) She can't stand up for you with her family. 2) She can't abide by a previous agreement. 3) She can't get past her obsession and see the bigger picture. 4) She can't delay her own gratification for the benefit of her marriage.

Regardless of her age, she is being very disrespectful of you by 1) pressuring you after you have been very clear about when you will be ready and 2) undercutting you with family and friends.

She is not ready to have children and doing so under these conditions is not likely to be good for your marriage. Work on your marriage (with outside help if needed) before you jump into parenthood.

Good luck
Agree.

She needs to grow up & stop pestering you.
 

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I can't imagine that your wife could conceive and/or carry a pregnancy to term, if she is really that underweight. I would be very surprised if she's still ovulating and getting her period. Does she have an eating disorder?

Anyway, although its true you can't really be ready for a baby, your can also be very obviously unready, and it's pretty clear with your wife's health, the youth of your marriage, your wife's questionable reasons for having a baby and her clear misunderstanding about what makes conception more likely (six months after marriage?), that you as a couple are nowhere near stable or mature enough for successful child raising.

In terms of increased risk or chromosomal disorders, ther is no difference statisticslly between a 27 year old and a 34 year old woman.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Are you both financially prepared?
We are not well financially prepared now. Even though we both earn enough, We have a long term mortgage loan and she has just started her career.

Also, is your wife working?
Yes she is working. She has a masters degree in Engineering. But she is not very career focused. She works for the sake of working! Though she prefers to be a housewife, she never told me she wants or planning to quit her job.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
She agreed with you before marriage about the baby issue correct? So do you think once you all became married she just changed her mind all of a sudden or do you feel like when she said she "agreed" she lied about how she really felt?
I believe she really agreed and didn't lied to me. But she changed her mind in 3 months mostly because of others advise and suggestion.


I think once you said you both agreed to 2-3 yrs that sounds reasonable. If she feels like she would be to old or to late for her, in the next 2-3 or 3-4 yrs, then tell her you will go with her to the doctor, and sit down and discuss from a medical stand point what is considered "to old" and at what age could she expect to maybe have complications the older she gets. I have a feeling a doctor isn't going to tell you or her that in 2-3 yrs shes going to be to old or its going to be to late at 25 yrs old unless she already has female/medical issues.
:iagree:
 

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Discussion Starter #15
I don't have children so feel free to disregard this advice, but I felt a huge pull to have children at 23 (when I married). The finances were most certainly NOT in order so we held off. Then we tried again when I was 28/29... it didn't happen we later found out because my ex was infertile but it was a blessing that we didn't have children... he dropped the bomb on me less than a year later.

The thing is, during the second attempt I was miserable, depressed, anxious, dealing with a husband who had severe anxiety issues. I felt alone, all my friends had/were having babies, my mom kept hinting at how she'd love to be a grandmother, etc. It was terrible pressure on me and I convinced myself it was the right thing to do then. How wrong I was. You have to be ON FIRE to have children. You can't fill a hole (no pun intended) or give in to the demands - verbal or social - of others.
Looks like she if afraid of similar scenario if we delay it for 2-3 years. As she has seen it happening to her colleges 28+ trying deperatly for a baby.

My advice, talk with your wife and make absolutely sure that your feelings are expressed. Also explore with her whether she feels ready for the right reasons. x
:iagree:
All the very best and good lunch for you in this regard
 

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Your wife is demonstrating a lack of maturity in multiple ways. 1) She can't stand up for you with her family. 2) She can't abide by a previous agreement. 3) She can't get past her obsession and see the bigger picture. 4) She can't delay her own gratification for the benefit of her marriage.

Regardless of her age, she is being very disrespectful of you by 1) pressuring you after you have been very clear about when you will be ready and 2) undercutting you with family and friends.
I think my wife is just a bit immature, childish, innocent and bit stubborn. But she values me and listens to my thoughts and opinion. I think she feels very unhappy when I say wait for 2 more years. Seeing me making her unhappy makes me sad too.

She is not ready to have children and doing so under these conditions is not likely to be good for your marriage. Work on your marriage (with outside help if needed) before you jump into parenthood.
:iagree:
Good luck
Thanks !
 

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I can't imagine that your wife could conceive and/or carry a pregnancy to term, if she is really that underweight. I would be very surprised if she's still ovulating and getting her period. Does she have an eating disorder?
Apart from her underweight issue, she is healthy. She gets her periods regularly and all health checkups shows good health.
Yes I believe she has Eating Disorder. She eats very less quantity and very picky about food. Her dis-likes are more than likes. She doesnt like any sweet food and any diary products including milk. She has a phobia for tablets and other forms of medicine.
Now she is agreeing to see a doctor in this regard. Whenever I advise her something about her eating, she replies this is who I am and becomes stubborn. The good thing is after marriage she is eating better than before and has gained 1kg of weight. The problem is she hates all food which can make her gain weight.
 

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It's pretty unlikely she will even be able to conceive being so underweight and if she were to get pregnant it would possibly result in miscarriage as she is not in a physical state to be nurturing a fetus. I think you need to get this point across to her by visiting a doctor or other research so she knows that waiting a bit longer to prepare both of yourselves for a family is a sensible decision and not just you holding things up.

I am 35 and just had our first baby last year after being married for 6.5 years..it's totally absurd regarding her theory on having a baby within the first 6 months of marriage. And let me tell you, having a child is hard work and does change your relationship significantly. If you are not ready for it please do not do it just to make her happy because it will just result in you resenting both her and the child.
 

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You need to convince your wife that you have to handle your family and none of the relatives is going to help financially. She will not understand in the beginning but you have to continue, because the conditions will be liable on you if you can't handle them in future. Tell your wife that you love her a lot and you are thinking about the future planning. Ask her that how can you handle child responsibility in current situation.
 

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I visited inlaws place for christmas holidays. Child topic came out of the blue. Her relatives were asking about it. Her church pastor comments 'expecting good news before next christmas.' Her close friend is pregnant. Now she got reasons to persuade me again.
When her close family member brings up this topic she points the blaming finger to me. She wants babe by next christmas. Atleast she want to start trying by a year.
She is selfish, immature, ignorant. She tells me she can't live if she don't have a child in next two years. Then she says sorry. What the f*ck. Having a kid after few years of marriage is soo normal. She does nt get that. I don't even want to look at her face now. Now I regret why I got married.
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