Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 257 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So my wife told me that the marriage is over and she will not talk to me at all! She blocked my number so I cannot call her or text her.

Background

My wife and I began dating in 2001. We married on Oct. 19, 2008. So we dated for about 7 years. During the time of us dating, she would have these moments where she would "run". She would, out of the blue, say the relationship was too much for her, tell me it was over, and leave. Weeks later, we will be back together. This would happen like clock work, at least twice a year.

In 2007, she gave her life to the Lord, was baptized and never ran again. So in March of 2008 I proposed. Things were great up until Feb. of this year. She unexpectedly told me she was not coming home and was going to her parent's house. I BLEW UP! I told her we are not dating anymore, we are married! No more back and forth is what I told her. She said okay, and moved out.

A month later she was back home because her parents kicked her out. We were dating while she was at her parents house and she was angry with her parents for untimely putting her out. She said she wanted one more month for us to continue dating. So we both agreed that she would rent a room from a house around the street so we could continue working on the marriage without living together because we thought the constant seeing each other would lead to another blow up.

I became extremely busy with work. She would come home everyday, but little did I know, she was wanting me to tell her to come home. She would tell our pastor that she did not know how much more she could take of this, living separate and how badly she wanted to come home. She never told me this, though she swears she did. Anyway, 3 weeks ago, she told me out of the blue that I would not be seeing her that weekend. I tried to talk to her to find out what was wrong because we had been doing so well. She said nothing and was clearly depressed. I got angry and silly me, told her, "you're not happy. you're making me unhappy. just go on with your life. this back and forth, our family does not need."

That hurt her and we did not talk for a week. After a week I tried contacting her but she was not having it. This past weekend she came home while I was not home and got her stuff. I went to her place where she is staying, spoke with her and she said the marriage is over. Said I made her feel like a door mat. Said she finds it funny that I want to work on the marriage now when she has been wanting it for months. She said, "no. I don't want it. I'm done." I tried texting her over and over again and she put a block on my phone.

I am 100% committed to making it work. But how do I do that without being able to contact her at all??? Should I give her time to cool off?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,943 Posts
Everytime you take her back you are rewarding the "run away" behavior. She will continue to act that way, I mean, what does she have to lose? She runs away, you take her back. No loss. You are always there for her backup plan.

If you didn't take her back next time maybe she would realize she can't keep running away from things. Or maybe not.

Are you sure there isn't another man in the picture during these "I'm so done with the relationship" times?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Yes, I am sure. I have kept a close eye on her during these times in the past. She is not like that. I have also read one of her journals when she "ran" away one of the times before we were married. She went out with a guy and was "hot" but did not have sex with him. She said in her journal she loved me still and didn't trust the guy.

It may be possible that now there is a guy, but it would had to happen really fast. She was with me all up until the week before she "ended it."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,943 Posts
Yes, I am sure. I have kept a close eye on her during these times in the past. She is not like that. I have also read one of her journals when she "ran" away one of the times before we were married. She went out with a guy and was "hot" but did not have sex with him. She said in her journal she loved me still and didn't trust the guy.

It may be possible that now there is a guy, but it would had to happen really fast. She was with me all up until the week before she "ended it."
Thats what everyone thought of their spouse whose been cheated on. Don't rule it out. Especially if she went on a date with a guy during one of the times you are separated. She may have had sex with him and just didn't put it in her journal. You never know.

I mean do you REALLY know her and who she is? She can't even open up to communicate with you about the relationship so does she even really truely open up about herself and who she is deep down?

Don't go chasing after her. That will push her further away if you really want to work on things. Blocking your number is a pretty extreme measure, IMO, I mean if she really does want a divorce she will need to keep in contact with you unless you are getting lawyers...her behavior just seems very strange. Or is this normal for her?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Actually, it is normal. She is VERY unstable. She does not think futuristically. She acts on impulse and emotions and then when the emotions die she changes.

If she files for divorce she knows it will be rough and expensive. I am an attorney. She will be cautious. I won't file. I won't chase her either. She left. All I can do is wait for the next response; either divorce papers or her contacting me telling me she wants to talk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
856 Posts
That was not 'silly me' when you told her that your family doesn't need her 'one foot in, one foot out' approach to your marriage.
She's doing you a favor by leaving. How exhausting for you! She's got some fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
That was not 'silly me' when you told her that your family doesn't need her 'one foot in, one foot out' approach to your marriage.
She's doing you a favor by leaving. How exhausting for you! She's got some fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about.
You are SO right about that. Thank you for seeing that. Thought I was the only one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
So no one can get through to her. She is telling EVERYONE that she is done and the marriage is over.

I guess all I can do is sit back and wait to be served.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
19,355 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,885 Posts
Is she bipolar or something like that? Something spooks her a couple times a year. Is she afraid of commitment? Has she been hurt in the past?

Getting her to open up about what is causing the intense desire for freedom and the feeling of relational claustrophobia might help her get past it.

I pull away from people when I get too close, when I feel too obligated to them. I can understand the desire for escape. Maybe she's afraid you won't accept some part of her? Maybe she is struggling to accept some aspect of herself that is triggered a couple times a year? I think that whatever it is, she rugswept it and expected religion to cure it, but it hasn't. I think, more than trying to condition her out of this behavior, the two of you should try to get to the root of it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Is she bipolar or something like that? Something spooks her a couple times a year. Is she afraid of commitment? Has she been hurt in the past?

Getting her to open up about what is causing the intense desire for freedom and the feeling of relational claustrophobia might help her get past it.

I pull away from people when I get too close, when I feel too obligated to them. I can understand the desire for escape. Maybe she's afraid you won't accept some part of her? Maybe she is struggling to accept some aspect of herself that is triggered a couple times a year? I think that whatever it is, she rugswept it and expected religion to cure it, but it hasn't. I think, more than trying to condition her out of this behavior, the two of you should try to get to the root of it.
I think you are right. But as of right now, she is not open to speaking with me at all. I think all of her fears and insecurities she has now placed blame on me and the marriage, so she is running away from both because in her mind we are the reasons why, 1) she does not know herself, 2) she has low self esteem, 3) she feels like a door mat.

I am hoping and praying that when she realizes, as she has in the past, that I am not the cause of these feelings, that she will come back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
When has she ever really "done" anything?

I wouldn't sweat out being served.

She likely doesn't have the follow-through to do it.
Honestly, I think you are dead on, Conrad. I think she will rather wait on me to do it or just wait for years without doing it. Unless she falls in love with someone and wants to marry him, I do not think she will pull the trigger. I am not pulling it either, though as of right now, I have grounds to get an instant divorce (we live in an at-fault state).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
So many women seem to have this same fantasy about what real life and marriage are all about. It doesn't help when their friends, family and society constantly bombard them with "You should just be happy." and "Just do what makes you happy."

May God help us through these trials.
Thank you, S. Condeck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
19,355 Posts
Honestly, I think you are dead on, Conrad. I think she will rather wait on me to do it or just wait for years without doing it. Unless she falls in love with someone and wants to marry him, I do not think she will pull the trigger. I am not pulling it either, though as of right now, I have grounds to get an instant divorce (we live in an at-fault state).
If she insists you pull the trigger (which she may), a simple, "I'm not ok paying for a divorce I don't want" will do the trick.



Never pay again for live sex! | Hot girls doing naughty stuff for free! | Chat for free!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
810 Posts
If she insists you pull the trigger (which she may), a simple, "I'm not ok paying for a divorce I don't want" will do the trick.
The power this statement, delivered dispassionately, is surprising.

When I laid it on my controlling stbxw who has an answer for everything, she was dumbfounded.

She said nothing. And she ended up pay the mediators retainer.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
The power this statement, delivered dispassionately, is surprising.

When I laid it on my controlling stbxw who has an answer for everything, she was dumbfounded.

She said nothing. And she ended up pay the mediators retainer.
Posted via Mobile Device
If I had to guess, I would say that my wife will not pull the trigger, but.....she is out of her mind right now so who knows.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
19,355 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
810 Posts
If I had to guess, I would say that my wife will not pull the trigger, but.....she is out of her mind right now so who knows.
The best thing you can do is step out of the drama.

Silence is your friend. And from it you will regain your strenght, power, and sense of self that you lost to your relationship.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
The best thing you can do is step out of the drama.

Silence is your friend. And from it you will regain your strenght, power, and sense of self that you lost to your relationship.
Posted via Mobile Device
I just sent her a "closure" e-mail. I told her that I love her enough to let her go and told her that I will not try to convince her to save the marriage since that is not what she wants. I told her that I respect her decision even though I do not agree with it. Then I said, "I guess it ends as it started--with an e-mail. :). Take care of yourself."

We started by e-mailing. She used to LOVE my e-mail messages so I am sure she felt FREE when I released her. It actually helped me somewhat too.

Now the hard part is whether or not I allow other women in or if I keep them away just in case she comes to her senses and comes home. That is tough.
 
1 - 20 of 257 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top