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My wife of over 17 years is leaving me?

11K views 50 replies 18 participants last post by  dogman 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife and I have been together for 23 years. She was 17 when we first started dating. We have been together the hole time. We havent spilt up for even one day in all that time. I am to blame for this to a point. In 1984 I damaged my back in 89 I was paralyzed temporarily in a car crash with a smashed 30% L1 vertebra. 2001 I was hurt at work and blew out my L4 and L5 disc. At that time we moved out of state. To go work for my folks. To keep from blowing back out even more. We moved there and I started losing control of my left leg from nerve damage. So I was forced to have a operation. That means I could no longer work doing anything I have ever done all I have ever known. My L4 was bulging and my L5 was extruded to the point the doc said it was the wurst he had seen in 20 years. Needless to say I could not stand or sit for very long for a year. Not long after my dad went down in a plane crash. He lived but bled out and died two times before he got to the hospital where he was dead 30 mins before being brought back. The wishes of my stepmother. So now we have moved to a new state I have no job. I have lost my ability do the kinda work I know. We have no friends other then my stepmother that sees me as a strange bird in her nest. Around 06 we saw the economy taking a dump so we headed back to our home town. Dec of 07 I was rear ended by a 19 year old kid doing 80mph texting. He increased the L1 compression to 50% and my L4 L5 and found out I have kidney disease . Ya it finaly broke me. And I started having social depression. I have not been able to work this whole time. Not by my wishes. Now we have two kids and my wife has gone back to work. The one place I didn't want her. A casino. She went there because she wanted to work at night and get up around 2pm for the kids. Now she makes more thena I can and because she sleeps I can't even try to get a job. And now after 23 years and not split up one day in all that time. She said she is wanting a divorce. She said it will help me get better. Cop out! What can I do? She said Im a good father and husband. I don't know what I will do if she leaves me. I love her more then my own life and I always will. .
 
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#3 ·
I am extremely sorry for what you have been through! That being said, you talk a lot about what happened to you, the circumstances and how you felt. But you did not mentioned your wifes feelings and what you love about her. It just seems you are afraid of being alone, now that you need someone.
 
#5 · (Edited)
Well, should I be afraid of losing the only thing that matters to me? What do I love about her? Well before this happened almost everything her smile kills me. I love when she smiles. I love her heart. I love her wants and desires. We see eye to eye on most everything. We agree on politics religion and and morals. We even agreon how to raise our kids. We met at a car show. We have the same hobbies except one, horses. We just can't afford that kind of hobby or the time it takes to take care of one. So we have a friend that lets her ride her horses.
The things she is mad about is good a reason. One I don't have a job. The second is I don't go with her when she takes the kids to do things. Man I didn't realize that I was doing that to the point it bothered her. I guess staying at home with the kids I start pulling my hair out. And I need a break. I never would have been like that if I had any idea. Another thing is things like me not understanding. She works till between 5am and 10am in the morning. I don't see her till around 3pm that after noon. And starts getting ready at 6pm for work. So when her days off come around it means. A lot to me that she gets all the rest she can get. So what happened is she didn't get any sleep. The day before she was off. So she needed sleep badly. She pops up and says on her day off she has to go in for a department wide meeting at 9:00am. You could imagine that I was not happy seeing the person I care or so much having to lose sleep she very much needs. So that night I wake up at around 2:30am and my wife is getting dressed. She said she couldn't sleep and was just going to go into work. I asked her what? We got in a bit of a tiff. And I and said she needed to figure it out and left and got doughnuts for; the kids. Yes yes I know I should have said that and I shouldn't. Have left. Before she started there we had a problem with the morals of casinos. And their environment. She didn't want to work at one and I didn't want her working at one. When she starts just going in because she can't sleep that bothers me. And at any other time it would had bothered her. That is what started this hole thing. I love her and yes because I love her I am afraid to lose her and my kids. And in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that and I should be..
 
#7 ·
Well my wife went into work on her day off again. She has a test she says she has to take. She said it's going to take three hours. With interruptions. She is a cage supervisor so I could see the interruption thing. But why is there so many things she forgets about then has to go into work to do. I don't think she is cheating I just don't understand.
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#27 ·
Im going out on a limb here but I say she is cheating. Working long hours, going in on her days off, saying she wants a divorce and giving you a lame excuse. If you not going to family outings with the kids was her biggest concern you would have heard about it before now.

I would do some snooping! Can you look at her phone records?
 
#13 ·
Well It's a head of another department. I know the name. I am sure hat is job related. So her call history is clear. The only other thing it may be is Facebook. She did pull marital status. I love her so much I just want to work this out any way!
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#14 ·
Why would you assume it's only job related? Why would a boss from another department have to text her on her personal phone? She doesn't work for him, what would they talk about?
 
#16 ·
You were right. She is deleting all messages from her phone from this guy. And they sent one last night. I have a print out of her text to and from numbers. Do I call her out on it? Can I kill her job by turning in the affair? Because I'm a stay at home dad if she leaves me and I don't have a job then she would have to pay for my living. Should I use that against her?
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#18 · (Edited)
Dont confront yet. Find out if the OM has a wife or girl friend? Ask a mod to move your thread to the infidelity area. You will get advice there.
 
#20 ·
Deejo and sweetpea seem to be online now. Send them a PM.
 
#21 ·
Can someone move this thread for me please if it needs to be?
I went to my local church to talk to someone today. They tell me I worship her. That is part of my problem. My wife says I didn't show it. I know that she my be texting this other dude but I would take her back in a heart beat. It's killing me inside. I have lost ten pounds this week. And I am only getting a couple hours of sleep a night. I don't know how to cope with this and what it's going to do to our kids. She thinks it's not going to effect them. I come from a broken home she does not. She has no Idea what it does to a child. Please god help me.
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#26 ·
I can't not fight! I love her more then my life. I'm not sure I want to live if she lives me.
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You MUST lose this attitude. I mean, really, this is the way a love sick teen feels about their first crush. It's not the way a man who's worked hard most of their life and supported a family through tough times acts or thinks.

Yes - love is a beautiful thing. But love comes and goes. You choose who you fall in love with. You weren't born with her name in your brain. You will and can survive without her if you must.

This doesn't mean all is lost - but it most certainly will be if you act as if you'll just die without her.

Gather information about the other dude. Blow up their little romance. Act with determination and courage.
 
#25 ·
badlogin,

First thing get to the doctor tell him or her whats going on and get some meds to calm you down, to the point you can function.

Have you been able to find out anything about the OM?

Did you confront him or your wife yet?
 
#31 ·
Orrrr badlogin, Im gut wrenched here reading your history. Sadly like many here I feel that your W has started a relationship with someone else and is moving toward making it a personal affair if she hasnt already. Its hard to admit it to yourself that the one and only in your life suddenly has changed and changed into someone you dont actually recognise. That is the first "shock" descovery. She is now fousing her emotions on someone else and you are clearly seeing something of that even if she denies it. Its the change in personality that gives it up. You really need to work on gathering evidence of what is going on, seek out legal information if only to give you peace of mind that if she drops a bomb youll know what to do and more or less how to proceed in protecting yourself and your state of mind which will take a beating over the forthcoming weeks. I sincerly hope that things work out the way you hope but I feel that the W's actions have already made huge damage to the chance of marridge survival
 
#32 ·
I sure hope it can be saved. She said can go see a therapist Monday. But she did warn me that she feels her mind is made up. Her push at the moment is for me to move out. She is not pushing divorce. That makes me feel like it will be one foot out the door. Could she be trying? The amount of texting has not slowed down. Her best friend and her husband are good friends of mine as well. He tells me his wife says my wife has not done anything sexual in her opinion. That may be the case but I find it hard to believe. I mean here I am again 3:12 in the morning still not sleeping and still not eating. I can't take sleeping pills I have kids to look after and get ready for school.
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#36 ·
Lets try that again. Man doing this from a smart phone stinks. I have 5pages of texts as proof and can get another 4. I have been told by others that if I use them and she is trying it will push her away. I can't risk that.
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#38 ·
Bad, shes already requested a divorce!

She can't get much further than that.

The church guy is right, putting someone on a pedestal devalues your affection and they frequently take it for granted.

Shes treating you and your children like sh!t but instead of being even the slightest bit angry you're a puddle of yourself and hopeing that she'll just magically wake up one morning and change her mind?

She won't and you have about one chance of ending this affair my friend. Blowing it up big time.

If you want to twiddle your thumbs, and be too scared of losing whats already lost to take action, then you're marriage has no hope of ever coming back.
 
#39 ·
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!!

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN!!!

If you move out the OM can move into your bed!!!

She has already turned away.

Do not fear.

Noting you do to defend the marriage can make it worst.
 
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