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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My 36 y/o wife of 9 years, mother of our two kids, has become very friendly with a 24 y/o male. They email, phone, and hang out a bit.

The strange thing is it kind of turns me on... I make little jokes like calling him her "young lover". She laughs them off saying "he is a friend, be quiet.. you are nuts".

The other night she was with him at a bar, she called slurring her speach saying she drank too much and could I pick her up. I suggested she just stay over Gregg's (the friend).. she was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do.. I said I have the kids in bed, why bother calling a baby sitter, just stay at Gregg's..

The whole thing turned me on, but later that night I paniced thinking "what am I doing?"... she came home the next morning early and hung-over.. she wouldn't talk about the night...

She simply said "you insisted I stay with Gregg, so I did.. I am not talking about it now."

I am very confused with myself - on one hand her with a yuonger man turns me on... I think it's strange that it does... as reality, which it may have become the other night, makes me sick.. and she won't say if she fooled around with him sexually.. it's driving me nuts!

I can't stand it, half of the time when I imagine her having sex with him I get excited and love the feeling.. the other half I get upset and jealous.

Am I NUTS???
 

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Mike,

You're not nuts. Although I haven't seen it talked about on these forums much (Talk About Marriage is rather new), there are a lot of people out there who get turned on by the thought of their partner with another person. Some get involved in "open marriages" where this type of behavior is agreed upon or acceptable to them (i.e. "swinging"). That's where my knowledge on the subject ends. I have no idea how successful these types of situations are for couples.

It sounds like you got yourself in over your head though, and you may not have really been ready for what you let happen, regardless of whether or not anything "happened" sexually between your wife and the other person.

Your wife is probably very confused about your behavior (giving her permission to sleep at the young man's house). She could take it in a lot of different ways, especially if you guys hadn't explored those ideas in depth before this happened. She could think you did it out of anger, or as a test to see if you could trust her, or who knows what else she might wonder?

Have you had a good time to sit down and talk to her about it?
 

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Be careful what you wish for. On other forums I have seen abd talked to couples that got into a third partner or swinging just to find there partner left for the other partner etc.

What ever is done is done and has been done by your hand alone.

draconis
 

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You realy need to think about your wife. How did this make her feel. I can only imagen the thoughts going through her head right now. Does he love me, is he trying to leave me, does he have some one on the side and dosnt' want to feel guilty and so on. Never a good idea to push this on some one without talking to them first. At this point she probably thinks you do not care about her or want to stay together. I think you did alot of damage here for your own pleasure.
 

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Oh geez... COMMUNICATE!!! Tell her what you're feeling. Tell her what you're thinking and how it made you feel!!! Draconis... yeah, a lot of swinger relationships end with the one partner leaving for the third, but a LOT MORE are successful and they are so because the couple communicates BEFORE initiation of another party, and then they follow the rules they set for themselves. That's the problem here... there were no lines drawn, there was no communication about the situation. Now there is frustration, doubt and question.

Mike, talk to her, tell her how it makes you feel, tell her you wouldn't mind watching him be with her, but maybe only if you're present, or only if she gives you every detail, whatever works for you two. If you have a strong relationship with her, it might just work out if the boy toy realizes and respects his place. In time it will pass, and in the meantime, you'll have a great time!!

You are most certainly not nuts. We had a female friend for my husband for a while, and I LOVED watching him with her. That was six years ago, we're still together and happy (and missing a toy friend). My husband and I talked about EVERYTHING possible. We laid extensive ground rules and didn't break them. It never caused any problems, only pleasure. It can work, you just have to work at it. Keep us posted... this one is interesting. =)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I probably should have mentioned that we have fantasized about my wife with other men over the years... she knows it's a kink of mine, but has never taken it serioulsy. It's not like my feelings were totally out of the blue.

Well, I had a long talk with my wife last night... and YES she did have sex with Gregg that night... multiple times in multiple positions. She was pretty well drunk, but remembers everything.

You guys were right, she was mad at me for forcing her over his apartment. She said she remembers thinking to herself "He doesn't want me to come home.. he is pushig me to spend the night with Gregg.. then fine.. I will show him!"

The next morning she was disgusted with herself and me. She admits the night was a blast, but she felt like a complete loser afterwards; like she lost her indenty or something. She didn't tell me right away because she contemplated trying to ignore the whole thing.

I told her how much I love her, and how I made a mistake acting the way I did, but that I was happy she had fun that night and that she shouldn't be ashamed, blah, blah.. we wound up having great sex... during which she went over some of the details of the night, I have to say I was surprised how wild she got with him.

After the sex I was upset and felt like I would throw up... it is so strange.. I am either completely sick to my stomach about it, or extremely turned on.

What to do next is the question?

FYI - I am smart enough not to let on that I am sick about it half the time.. I don't want to upset her now that she is some what comfortable with what happened and is reassured of my very deep love for her.
 

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Now I think you need to come to terms with yourself. Make up your mind which way you want to go with it and reassure yourself about it all. Take some time, ponder the situation, then make a decision. You obviously can't keep going both ways here, so pick a route and don't look back.

I'm so glad you talked about it. That's the best thing for you. Now you need to talk about it with yourself and set your own ground rules, then set some for the both of you. Congratulations on taking the first step. =) keep us posted
 

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Hmmm this is a tough one for me. See had you said that to me yeah I wuld have thought WTF...But I would have caught a cab came home an said excuse me, WTF are you trying to do?...

Weather it turns you on or not, what you did could have very well been the end of your marriage...

BUT...She should never have did the whole "well I'll show you BS" either...She should have caught a cab came home an slept her drunk off..
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
We have been talking a lot and things seem to be good. She was looking for an excuse to have sex with him, and I was trying to find away to enable it... looks like we got what we both wanted, however, of course it's not that easy... I am taking the advice from here and "communicating"!!!
 

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glad you are working it out, Chalk it up to a fantasy that has been completed, even with it's ill effects.

I imagine they are no longer friends.

Keep talking and working on the relationship.
 

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maybe that is jus a part of your fantasy and as we all know some things should stay jus that a fantasy now that you know that there is a good possiblity that something might have happend reality has set in and maybe thats whats makin you feel so torn
 

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I must admit I have had the same fantasy, but always wanted to watch my wife.

But as the previous poster said, a fantasy is better left that way.

My wife is a Georgous woman and get's hit on all the time. I am sure if she wanted to she could easily have an affair.

I always told her if she was interested in doing it, just let me know instead of hiding it.

While she never even gone out drinking with any male friends, she ahs been offered by guys at clubs we have been to together, she always declined.

But I imagine she would feel the same way about herself. She see's it as a moment of weakness.

Keep talking it over and go on with your marriage and work through it.

Kudo's for you not flipping out on her, but I can certainly inderstand the sick feeling, Fantasy's are fantastic, but reality vcan be harsh.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Now that we are communicating and going over the details I feel much better... the sick feeling is almost completely gone. I think the sick feeling was not knowing how my wife felt, if I hurt her, if we wrecked the marriage, etc...

It's almost like are love is stronger for each other now.. and our sex life is great the last few days.
 

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I was talking to my wife today, we exercise together so during small talk I brought this up to her, because we have discussed this as well.

But I told her how your wife felt afterwards and I truly never saw it that way until I read your thread.

My wife agreed that she would have the same emotions afterwards as your wife is currently having if she did the same act.

So is it getting better are you both more comfortable with what happened? Does your wife still talk to the 24 yr old? Have you met him since? talked to him?

I wish you all the best
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
My wife wound up calling the 24 y/o, Gregg, a few days after it happened. Once we talked and we were both comfortable she figured she would be the mature one (makes sense since she is 12 years older.. ha ha) and call him.

She pretty much said to him.. "it was no big deal, don't make more of it than it is ... my husband knows about it and is perfectly fine with it..." she then said something along the lines of "if you have any respect for me at all you will please keep it to yourself."

He was baffled and a little freaked that I know about it and don't want to kill him. She left off saying to him "in adult relationships if people are discreet, respectful, and open minded there is a lot of fun to be had... relationships are not always black and white."

Next step is to figure out how to get him to let me watch or join in.
 

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I might be into some fairly kinky stuff but I could never let another man have my wife in the biblical sense nor watch, join. I wouldn't be able to do it myself either, however if you and the wife are both into this then all the power to you. There are also swingers clubs all over the US to. One note always think safe sex first.

draconis
 
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