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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Its been a full year since i started feeling an emotional disconnect by my wife. However, i was in denial and now in last 3 weeks the reality of what i lingered in back of my head is more than i can handle. She is confident this is what she wants and confident this is best the both of us. We have two kids 7-8 and the mere thought of not being in this house with them is so frightening. I love my wife with all my heart but she told me last night that though she loves me very much she is not in love with my anymore. The worse words any spouse can hear. I guess if i wasnt so in love with her the pain of hearing this would come so much easier.
She says over the last 10 years i failed to give her the love and emotional support that she deserves and that she gave so much to me. I will admit i took her love and our marriage for granted and im guilty at the beginning of marriage and during much of it,, showing more love for my kids and than i probably did her. I have no idea why. Its not that i didnt love her.. I think i have issues with showing unconditional love and intimacy and now that i understand myself more and realize this, its too late. Her heart is closed off.
she knows i love her dearly but she always questioned if i really truly loved her for her.. it breaks my heart to hear her say this , because i do love her for her and i more in love with her now in the last few years than i ever have. There is so much to each of our stories just as everyone here posting. its very complicated.
But what is common amongst us all left behind spouses is the pain and confusion that is felt.. Its such a devastating feeling and its so hard to ever explain to someone unless one has gone through it them self.
it almost seem insurmountable. To NOT wake up with her cuddling by my side is so hard to image.. Love can be so beautiful and rewarding and yet can cause the worse pain within.
I know i need counseling , and i know that i have to pick myself up and care about myself and my self esteem. And all of that i know i have to do seems impossible right now.
I know this irrelevant but over the years my wife has become so freaking beautiful and athletic. She turns heads everywhere she goes. and its almost like this amazing looking butterfly has outgrown the complacency of an average life with me. and to compound my misery is the reality that she will meet another man who will be holding her in his arms.
Im broken and life seems so gray. Finding the courage to move fwd will take skills i dont even think i have.
 

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Go back and read my story.. exactly the same. It is scary how much my wife said the same things... she didn't think I really loved her, etc... very scary....

She needs to miss you and you need to realize what you had. Remember that a separation DOES NOT mean divorce.

Take this as a tune up.. give her space and let her think this out.

I think if you click on my name it will list my posts ( my wife left last Tuesday)

Please don't make the mistakes I did in the beginning but mine did have a happy ending that I hope you have too.
 

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Tapinc,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this place but I feel the need to point out some Red Flags in your wife's behavior that I don't think you've considered. Many of these are indicative of a possible affair (but not always):

Its been a full year since i started feeling an emotional disconnect by my wife. Red Flag #1
However, i was in denial and now in last 3 weeks the reality of what i lingered in back of my head is more than i can handle. She is confident this is what she wants and confident this is best the both of us. We have two kids 7-8 and the mere thought of not being in this house with them is so frightening. I love my wife with all my heart but she told me last night that though she loves me very much she is not in love with my anymore. This is known as the I Love You But Not In Love With You speesc (ILYBNILWY) and is Red Flag #2

She says over the last 10 years i failed to give her the love and emotional support that she deserves and that she gave so much to me. Red Flag # 3 and a typical line from the cheaters script.

I know i need counseling , and i know that i have to pick myself up and care about myself and my self esteem. And all of that i know i have to do seems impossible right now.
I know this irrelevant but over the years my wife has become so freaking beautiful and athletic. HUGE Red Flag here! She turns heads everywhere she goes. and its almost like this amazing looking butterfly has outgrown the complacency of an average life with me. and to compound my misery is the reality that she will meet another man who will be holding her in his arms. Sorry but I am willing to bet that this has ALREADY happened

If you really want to know what's going on with your wife, you'll need to do the following NOW:

1 - Do not accuse her or ask her about an other man (OM)
2 - You need to go into stealth mode and start snooping.
3 - Get on line and look at her cell phone records for the past few months. Look for a lot of texts/calls to a few numbers you don't recognize. Alsot of these calls will happen late at night or early in the AM or other times when you're not around (at work)
4 - Get a keylogger and put it on your PC today
5- Also buy at least 2 voice activated recorders (VARs) asnd place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Keep the other one so you can switch them out or place it in the room she seems to use to make most of her cell calls.

Also, other than cchanging her physical appearance, have you seen any of the following:

New clothes/more make-up wearing?
Does she keep her cell phone with her at all times?
Does her cell have a PW on it when months ago it didn't?

Also, is she a stay at home mom and are your kids in school most of the day?

One last thing. Go to the Coping With Infidelity section here at TAM and read up.

You're story is NOT unusual at all
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks for all the advice and understanding of my situation.. My wife did have an affair with an old bf in ny but i finally stopped after a couple months.. at this present time she is not having an affair.. i think by me stopping the affair, it cause her to hold resentment and also she probably wonders how nice it would be if she didn't have to sneak around but just be free to experience those feeling again.,..
One other thing that enables her to separate so easily is money. she is from a wealthy family and so she does have the freedom to be financially secure no matter what...
my whole delusion is why she wants to split the family.. it really must be difficult to not love someone and stay in a relationship. I feel she has fallen out of love with me a while ago and stayed bc of the kids..
She really is a wonderful person and great mom.. and i dont hold any anguish toward her for her feeling the way she does...she has valid feelings.. I will admit that i wasn't the best husband with loving her and i had my head wrapped around work and career...its just such a sad situation losing someone you care so much about. esp with the boys and our whole family. the rest of my life will be different. and there will be a part of me that will never stop being in love with her. .which will make it so hard to be around her and kids if do separate. a pain and sadness that no one should have to endure.
 

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Even after an affair ends, a cheating spouse can remain in love with the other person, especially if they have ANY contact with that person at all... they entertain these grandeur illusions about how that NEW and EXCITING feeling of love, and suddenly what they have with you seems to be trivial and, well, anything BUT love.

The problem is, that new and exciting feeling is NOT love, and by the time they realize it, it can be WAY too late to save a relationship. My wife has held onto that feeling for two years now. It took me that long to see how unbelievably dishonest she has been.
 

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I feel your pain... Im in almost the exact same situation. To think that you won't be a family with the wife and kids is so foreign. The pain is almost unbearable. Sorry, don't have much advice for you - just letting you know there are other (probly many) people feeling the same as you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
thanks everyone. I know my misery is shared by so many other spouses. Each one of us deal and adapt in different ways. but i think the only way we all have the slightest chance is to pick our heads up, think about ourselfs and show interests outside the house and show confidence. the pardox here is we've been handed the worse news of our lives, yet to fix the problem and have any chance of winning our spouces back is probably the hardest or most impossible for of action .... being calm, confident, high self esteem, no begging, no crying, and just to allow the spouse that freedom to figure it out on her own.. meanwhile hoping she see us living and being happy and will eventually want us back and realize what they have been looking for is right her with us..
everyone wish me luck..i planned our 10 year annv a trip to chicago for 4 nights.. My wife is reluctant to go bc of what s going on but she has agreed and we both decided to make it fun and relaxing with no talk about relationships.. i really have my fingers crossed that her and i can actually do this and just enjoy one another again .. im very nervous and sad,, seeing how id really want this to be an amazing romantic trip,,, but realistically thats not going to happen. but just maybe she will let her guard down enough to see me and begin to realize what she will be giving up..
thx.
 

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That is a good sign that she wants to go. Unfortunately you two will be slightly on egg shells the entire time.

try to keep the relationship talk to a minimum and run with it.

I'm assuming you should change the room to a double and not share a bed or sleep on the couch if they have one unless she invites you.
 

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How long ago was the affair, and did the two of you have any counseling after it?
 

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tapinc,

You should also realize the possibility that she may have either taken the affair underground when you confronted her or she's started it (or another one) up again.

Investigate quietly as I outlined earlier if you want to know or if you want even the slightest chance of doing anything about it
 

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I think the bottom line though, is that her heart is not there anymore. Do you really want to be with someone who is not in love with you? You can't change another person's heart. It is more about her not being able to let the love you have flow free, then it is about anything you did wrong.
There is an infinite number of people that are a match to you. You can't give up hope and if you desire, you will love again. The faster you can let her go, the quicker you will heal.
Stalking her to find out if she is having an affair will only bring you hurt. Don't even give her that power.
Hugs to you. (I know it's been 3 years since you posted this, but just wanted to add in case anyone new is reading this.)
 
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