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Your email is raw and good.

it could be picked apart, such as you use the word "you" way too much. That makes the reader defensive. But so what. You spoke your heart. That's what is important here. I do hope that she 'hears' what you are saying.

The way your wife is acting right now is completely normal for someone just out of an affair (sadly). It usually takes a while for the brain chemistry to calm down and for a person to exit the affair fog and return to reality. I have little doubt that she will be kicking herself for what she's done once she comes down to earth.

You sound like a good man and a loving husband. She's lucky to have a man like you in her life.

Beside her being transparent, you need to tell her exactly what you need from her to reconcile. The book I suggested "Surviving an Affair" will give you that plan. I really do hope that you get it. It's a quick read.

To rebuild your marriage, and affair proof it as much as possible in the future, I suggest that you and your wife work through the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".

Just as you wrote that email to her, your list of things you need from her and what the two of you need to do to reconcile should be in written form as it's way too easy to forget and gloss over anything spoken.
 

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JMON, you are your own worse enemy.

In Texas it cost about $250 to file for a petition for a Divorce, to me that's a small price to pay to show you are serious. You have been enabling her affair and not holding her accountable so she has no motivation to change. She is not afraid of losing you so not going to do what it takes to save the marriage.

Not telling the OM wife is a HUGE mistake, if she found out first would you want her to tell you or would you rather remain in the dark? If someone I knew found out my W was cheating and didn't tell me I'd be PISSED.

You need to stop giving your wife all the power, she screwed you over, why are you letting her continue to do so? She needs to earn her way back into the marriage since she just null and voided it with her actions. File for a D and during the cool down period (61 days here) she needs to convince you she is worth staying with or else its over. Tough love is the only way you are going to get anywhere with her.

Or you can keep doing what you are doing now and start another thread when you get to D-Day 2 like so many other have done in the past.
 

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yes in past we have not really spent much quality time together, but since i have dropped all of my coaching obligations and slowed on-line business... we have spent a ton of time together and even took a weekend trip a couple of weekends ago. We had a great time. We put our differences aside and just enjoyed each other. It reminded us of how we use to be. It was refreshing.
This is a move in the right direction for sure.

A lot of couples get so caught up in life.. work, raising children, and ton of other things. They stop doing things together. The natural outcome of this is that they lose their connection, the bond.

As a rule of thumb, a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things that they enjoy. It can be as simple as going for walks and talking or full out dates. But time is needed. Biologically it's needed to maintain the brain chemistry creates the bond and the feeling we call romantic love.

When a marriage is broken, as is yours, more time is needed. I've read up to 32 hours for a few weeks.
 

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This is a move in the right direction for sure.

A lot of couples get so caught up in life.. work, raising children, and ton of other things. They stop doing things together. The natural outcome of this is that they lose their connection, the bond.

As a rule of thumb, a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things that they enjoy. It can be as simple as going for walks and talking or full out dates. But time is needed. Biologically it's needed to maintain the brain chemistry creates the bond and the feeling we call romantic love.

When a marriage is broken, as is yours, more time is needed. I've read up to 32 hours for a few weeks.
thanks!! I am trying to re-connect with her and the connection has been growing but the problems still need to be dealt with.
 

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In your email you have committed to not exposing to OM wife. You cannot go back on it now without looking wishy washy.

Maybe your wife needs to see a doctor.
 

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In your email you have committed to not exposing to OM wife. You cannot go back on it now without looking wishy washy.

Maybe your wife needs to see a doctor.
Now as of right now I am not going to contact him or liz... and trust me it is because of your protection.
The words he used leaves it open.
 

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I don't believe that at all. I think she really enjoyed the intimacy.
She said she is not in love with him at all. I just think she is f-ed up in the head right now.
Yes, she enjoyed it so much it depressed her? She "said" she is not in love with him. So who is she in love with? You? She's got a funny way of showing it huh? Of course she's f-ed up in the head! That's what affairs do! She's still in contact with him. He's still in her head even if he's not in her pants at the moment. So long as that continues you have no shot at keeping this marriage from divorce. You need to show her you mean business. You have to show the OM you mean business. You need to end the affair before you can save your marriage. The only way to do that is to expose this to the OM's wife and anyone else that might have influence over your wife. We've seen betrayed spouses ignore this advice before and allow thoughts of the lover to fester inside the head of the cheating spouse. In ALL cases...ALL CASES...the marriages ended in divorce. Yet you somehow think yours is different than all the thousands of others? Tell me why you think that?

And btw, stop believing her words. I agree that she's all f-ed up in the head. So why do you believe that she knows what the hell she is talking about?
 

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Yes, she enjoyed it so much it depressed her? She "said" she is not in love with him. So who is she in love with? You? She's got a funny way of showing it huh? Of course she's f-ed up in the head! That's what affairs do! She's still in contact with him. He's still in her head even if he's not in her pants at the moment. So long as that continues you have no shot at keeping this marriage from divorce. You need to show her you mean business. You have to show the OM you mean business. You need to end the affair before you can save your marriage. The only way to do that is to expose this to the OM's wife and anyone else that might have influence over your wife. We've seen betrayed spouses ignore this advice before and allow thoughts of the lover to fester inside the head of the cheating spouse. In ALL cases...ALL CASES...the marriages ended in divorce. Yet you somehow think yours is different than all the thousands of others? Tell me why you think that?

And btw, stop believing her words. I agree that she's all f-ed up in the head. So why do you believe that she knows what the hell she is talking about?
^^^ This
 

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I don't believe that at all. I think she really enjoyed the intimacy.
She said she is not in love with him at all. I just think she is f-ed up in the head right now.
She also told you that she would always remain faithful and never cheat on you too, right? C'mon...do you seriously think you can trust anything your wife told you without corroboration??? If I was in your shoes, if my wife told me the sky was blue today I would check with 2 or 3 sources to verify that she wasn't lying.
 

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True but it is not my place to get involved in their marriage I don't think. It is not my resposibility......I thought about this long and hard and don't think it is my responsibility. My wife told me and I am happy with that. If he tells his wife great....if not why should I care? It is their life not mine.

You have to tell his wife because you are already involved in the matter. Not voluntarily, but involuntary. I read a great book about dealing with affairs. I think you should look into this as well. (I PMed you as well) : Love Must Be Tough by James C. Dobson

Last thing you want to do is to keep this affair hidden. "Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!"
" Proverbs 9:17
 

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She also told you that she would always remain faithful and never cheat on you too, right? C'mon...do you seriously think you can trust anything your wife told you without corroboration??? If I was in your shoes, if my wife told me the sky was blue today I would check with 2 or 3 sources to verify that she wasn't lying.

A women who's invested so much into a marriage of 10 years don't have affairs just to HAVE them. They're not wired like men are. You have to get to the root of the problem and she obviously mentioned one of the issues when she told her husband she "felt UNLOVED", as Jmon stated in the initial post.

Women are much more delicate when it comes to emotions, and you have to constantly be aware of your wife's emotional state. It is a life-long process. 1 Peter 3:7: says "Husbands Live with Your Wives According to Knowledge" -- That means its in an ongoing investment to continuously study your wife.


Also, don't be so quick to take any selfish or self-absorbing advice you get in here. You will always want to fight for you family, but you have to fight smart.
 

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Yes we have ****ed several times. She is not talking but told her if.she does.not start confronting her problems it is Over.....she is sleeping on the couch. Lol...said I was.insulting her. Because.i.told.her.she.needs to grow up gave her two hard kisses on the lips and now I am in bed. told.her.I was about done and she was.going to loose me unless she.grows up.
I agree with her having to show you some respect, but you shouldn't demand it. Plus, its best to lead by example by showing her respect.

You only reap what you sow.
 

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Does your wife know that you almost cheated on her at some point?

I agree with you, people are entitled to a second chance.

People are giving you a lot of info here. But they also have great imaginations and are projecting onto your situation from the hundreds of affairs they have read about here on TAM and in their own lives.

Take the info and suggestions given and apply them to your life as you see fit. What does not make sense now, may make sense later.

One thing that I think will give you a strong plan of action is the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It fits along the line that you are thinking and have one thus far. I highly suggest you read the book. You wife would benefit from reading it as well.
I really agree with this post. I read this book as well. It is a very great book. It will also help your wife understand what she is going through if she chooses to read it. It will also inform you as well as how to deal with this entire situation. Your wife is depressed simply because what she did is wrong and goes against her very soul. Affairs aren't innocent and without cost. There are always consequences when we choose to go against our God given conscience. For women, its even worse because they are much more emotional. I suggest you be very sensitive to your wife, but am not asking you to be a doormat.

You are better off reading the books and resources we have suggested to you then to go with anything anyone has told you on this forum. Then you can make the appropriate decisions based on the circumstances at hand, because after all, non of us know the entire story.

You and your family will win this brother. You're in my prayers.
 

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Welll,

I am sure you hate me at this point. But I can not keep living in this fairy tail land of yours. You need help. I am doing my best to help you here and you are taking everything I do as weakness., and running all over me like I am doormat. I lost you as soon as you started your affair with him. Our marriage is over. I know you are "or where" caught between me and him. You are sad for losing your fun escape and sad because you don't want to loose you your family. I think you guys where or planned to continue your affair.... The infidelity is addicting and it screwed up your brain chemistry. I am sure it was fun and great little adventure for you to escape your problems at home. You may feel used and feel shame and guilt all at the same time. What we are going through is hard. You are confused and right now screwed up in the head. You refuse to talk about the affair. You need to talk about it and your feelings. You are crazy to just think all of this is going away. Your rug-sweeping is not going to work. I promise you what will happen if you continue on this path.... number one... you will be getting a divorce. Number 2... you will never get over your depression and you will hurt the ones you love the most in time and it will be unintentional. Number 3... you will not be able to reconcile your problems and all of these issues you have will re-surface in time and will help destroy your future relationships due to you running from yourself and personal problems. What you did was not nice it was terrible and there is no excuse for it. And until you can admit that to yourself and get off your pity party high horse you will never change. Now telling Liz..... I really want to. It is not fair to her. she needs to know that her husband is a cheater and a lier and he disregarded everything she has ever done for him in his life when he ****s other women. If you cherish this man... you are a fool. If you are heart broken because he rejected you..... you are a fool. If you wanted to be with him because you knew we where over and you thought you could get him away form his wife..... You are a fool. You don't think he would do the same thing to you??? If you think that you are a fool. Now I don't know if this is all true but I think it is and I have no other choice but to believe it due to your silence and your actions. And your continued conversations with him after your confession. I have no idea what he was filling your head up with, and how long the affair actually was. And I don't care. You need to start being honest with yourself and start convincing me and give me some reasons why I should believe you about anything. Anyway enough of that.

Now as of right now I am not going to contact him or liz... and trust me it is because of your protection. I do not want to do that you. And I do somewhat do not want to be responsible for what happens in their life. I think he will continue to cheat on her and she will eventually find out. She is naive like me, but at some point she will realize the truth. But if you want to talk to him... go ahead... if you want to meet up with him... go ahead. I don't care anymore. I already lost you. If your trolling his wife's facebook page so you can see pictures of him... you are not over him and need help. That help is going to come from either you facing your problems or a short term fix by meeting up with him. Either way you need to do something. Now I know you will continue to blame this one me and keep telling yourself that I am source of you problems. You are wrong. Now................. I do believe my actions at times at home has caused you to loose hope and have made you sad... and add to your issues.... that is why you felt entitled to your affair. Now I have no problem admitting to any of that. I was a jerk and have been on several occasions and yes I am going to change and face my problems... I can not and will not continue on my self-destructive path. I am done with it all of it. You say you are trying and simply being at home is proof of that, and you feel like you want to go out every night and drink... Go ahead..... if that is what you want. Continue on your self destructive path. Keep running away from your problems. Maybe you will meet some nice guy that can help patch your depression for now. Go ahead.....If that is what you want... set me free!!!!!!! I am not afraid to let you go. I don't want to but I can't keep doing this. I DO NOT WANT OUR MARRIAGE UNLESS BOTH OF US CHANGE AND GET BACK TO THE PEOPLE WE USE TO BE!!!!!!!!!!

Now I know you are going to read all of this with a defensive attitude and say... he is crazy.... bla bla bla.... he does not know what he wants... bla bla bla.... he will never forgive me.... bla bla bla... he will never change.... bla bla bla.. bla.... he is just going to talk to his daughter... bla bla bla bla bla... he hates me.. bla bla bla... I hate my life I am so sick of this... bla bla bla..... he is never going to believe anything I say again... bla bla bla.... this is point-less.... bla bla bla.... he is stalking me.... bla bla bla..... it is like a broken record. YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I have not proven to you by now That I am willing to change for the better and that I love you and want to be with you, you have problems... I have not idea what is going through your head. But you actions and what you say shows me you are in denial, you are scared, you don't know what to and most of all you are super confused about what happened and are not sure how to deal with it, and your self esteem is crushed. You feel hopeless, you have a hard time appreciating what you have, you stuck in a work of circular thought and feel there is no way out.


I am ****ing here for you,,,,, I am putting myself and my own pain and anger aside to try to help you get out of your depression so you can start dealing with life in a constructive manner. I love you and am willing to do anything for you. That is what love is. If you can't see that you are blind and not living in reality. If you love me... you need to start to change. You need to get help. I keep telling you that we have a very good chance at a great future, but things need to change... we both need to. I am changing... you are not. I am going to get help with open arms and am not afraid to admit my faults and deal with them!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to start. I promise everything I say to you even about the baby.... And when I say I think you deserve it... I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You made a mistake... forgive yourself..... I forgive you,,,, but I can't re-build with you unless you start working on us and that starts with you working on yourself. And things are not going to fix themselves. This whole thing......... us our past your affair all needs to be broken wide open and EVERYTHING needs to be out in the open.... and talked about. I will not have it any other way. I need complete transparency. It is not just for me it is for you as well. And that is the only path to a bright future for us. I want to fix this..... but I can't do it by myself. I want to be with you......... If you cant see that...... please for the love of god get some help! I will support you and go with you and do anything to help you. But I can't do anything unless you make the personal decision to start!!!


I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU WHEN WE GET OVER THIS BS AND YOU GET INTO YOUR RIGHT MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME I AM WORTH THE EFFORT! SORRY FOR THE PAST....... BUT THE PAST IS DONE AND OVER...... OUR PAST MARRIAGE IS OVER..... NOW WE START AGAIN BY BEING BETTER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ****ING LOVE YOU PLEASE SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!


HERE IS THE EMAIL I SENT HER THIS MORNING.... Opinions?????/
Dear Jmon,

Although your intention is good and you are beginning to see the light, this letter is terrible for quite a few reasons. Please do not send it.

For one thing, it is way to long. You need to be succint in order for her to understand your basic message, which should be: start being open and honest with me or our marriage is over.

For another, the tone starts out angry and snide and ends up emotional and pleading. Neither of these is appropriate for helping her to understand and accept your basic message (as stated above). Rather, the tone throughout should be one of clarity and resolve. You want her to perceive you as someone who knows what he wants and who will do whatever needs to be done to get it.

A third problem, as Elegirl noted, is that you don't tell her what you want her to do. For example, you don't ever say that she needs to end her affair. In fact, you invite her to continue it. Nor do you demand honesty from her, or transparency. You tell her that she needs to "get help" but you don't say what kind of help she needs to get. Basically, you give her no road map for how to save her marriage.

But the worst thing about the letter is that it is a letter. The fact that you don't have the courage to say these things to her face but instead need to send it to her in writing so that she can read it in private indicates (and she will interpret it as meaning) that you are a total coward when it comes to confronting her for her bad behavior. Of course, that is the message you have been sending all along so this won't surprise her. It will simply reinforce her perception of you as a weak man whom she can ignore and control. If she is smart, she will tell you how wonderful your letter was and will say some other nice things to throw you off track and continue to stonewall you and, in all likelihood, you will accept this -- for now.

But you will not put up with her behaving like this forever. Eventually, you will become fed up with her and will tell her to her face that you intend to end your marriage. The question is, will you do this while there is still some chance of her changing for the better, or will you wait until the two of you have lost all respect for each other and no longer want to be together?

That's the most important decision you need to make and, the longer you put it off, the less likely that your marriage will survive.
 

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Amazing how these cheaters always play the depression card.

She's not depressed, she's an actress.

end it.
After reading this whole thread, I think this pretty much sums it all up..

I am not saying end the relationship, but end this cycle of bullsh!t your wife is trying to perpetrate on you..

As carmen said you need to give your wife some real direction..

Saying you want to "fix this" just isn't enough..

I need you to tell me everything. I need for you to stop all communication. I need you to go to counseling.. I need you to be transparent in these ways.. Etc...

I'm very sorry but I don't think she was too depressed when she was svcking his d!ck..

Trust me being weak isn't gonna help.. Because I was and it didn't help me..

Like you were in the email that is how you sort of need to be.. You basically need to proverbially smack her down with one hand and then help her up with the other..

She needs to know either she is 1000 percent into fixing this or she is out the door..

You DEFINITELY need to out this other man to his wife..
 

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I don't believe that at all. I think she really enjoyed the intimacy.
She said she is not in love with him at all. I just think she is f-ed up in the head right now.
Well that explains it then right ?

Bfree your thought was mine as well She felt she betrayed her OM:mad: so sad for her

Wake up bud

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I agree with her having to show you some respect, but you shouldn't demand it. Plus, its best to lead by example by showing her respect.

You only reap what you sow.
She gets caught banging another dude and deserves respect how? By your reasoning, since she sowed backstabbing betrayal into her husband, that is what she should reap.

Twisted scriptures.
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Op, by sending an email/ instead of saying these things to your WW face, you are communicating in an indirect manner. This is not what men do. Men communicate directly. Unless you stop acting like a spineless doormat, not only will you lose your family, you will be treated this way by every woman in your future life. See, women are attracted to men. Men who are masculine and men who can lead them. They absolutely despise nice guys who cannot or will not hold them accountable for their actions. If I was your wife, Id cheat on you too, and ive never cheated on anyone in my life.

For God sakes, man up bro. Grow some balls and start acting like a man. This is the one and only way you have any chance of saving your marriage. You have received some excellent advice by people who have dealt with this in their own lives, and have experienced every possible outcome, yet you refuse to follow their advice.

This is what you need to do (besides starting to act like a man):

1. Expose this affair to POSOMs wife, your family and your wife's family - this is absolutely crucial and cannot be substituted or skipped. It ends the affair, and it begins to deal real consequences to your cheating wife.

2. SIT YOUR WIFE DOWN, LOOK HER IN THE EYE, and tell her in a steady, calm manner that her behavior is unacceptable, that she killed your marriage because of her selfish actions and she now has some hard choices to make.

a. sign the divorce papers (as you hand her the paperwork)

or

b. decide on building a new marriage, where she will do all the heavy lifting and face the consequences for her selfish actions.

b. includes: STD testing, DNA testing your son(not for results but for her to understand she lost your trust), polygraph about other encounters and about this affair - (IT WAS NOT JUST ONE TIME DEAL), Her writing the OM a NC letter, and mailing it only after you approve it, her providing access and passwords to all her social network accounts, phones etc etc, and finally her showing some real remorse and taking responsibility for destroying your marriage.

Important to mention, if she chooses the b option, let her understand that this not guarantee you can build a new marriage. It just means she is giving it a chance. Some men cannot get over this ultimate betrayal of their trust, no matter what WS does.

SO here is your homework, start reading "No more mr,. nice guy" and begin the process of reclaiming your manhood. Here is her homework, choose a or b.

This is your only way.
 
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