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Discussion Starter #1
My wife gets really emotional and says the most horrible things to me about the most fundamental things that make me me, she attacks my core. And I admit I am at fault some times. But she puts me down and this is the lowest I’ve ever felt. Thought I could pull myself back up alone but I’m not sure this time. She clearly says she has lost all respect for me, not attracted ashamed of me and don’t see me as a man. Don’t mean to play victim but I’m lost at this point.
 

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Does she explian why she has lost all respect for you and doesnt see you as a man? Are there things you have done that may make her feel this? Unless she is really horrible not many women would say such things withotu reason.
 

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And I admit I am at fault some times.
In what way? What responsibility do you take?

Thought I could pull myself back up alone
Pull yourself back up? Does that mean changing the things in which you admit you are at fault? Or disregarding her criticisms because they're unfounded?

this is the lowest I’ve ever felt
That doesn't tell us much about where the rights and wrongs are. What are her demands?
 

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If you have failed that's part of life. Everyone fails at something. It maybe that she is failing in a area and wants to prevent the focus being on her so she deflects onto you. You would have to say what her complaints are before you take ownership of her issues. They may really be her garbage that she is just dumping on you.

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There are two ways to deal with things: constructively or viciously.
Sounds like your wife has decided to deal with them viciously.
Don't engage her. Tell her if she wants to sit down, have a civilized discussion and work through things, you are open to that.
However, do not take her abuse. Look up the 180. Implement it.
If she calms down and wants to engage in a reasonable manner, do so.
Listen to her. If you messed up, make the necessary adjustments or come up with an action plan to work through the issues. Implement it.
If she still persists in her ugliness, utilize the 180 for yourself and take the time to decide if the issues are fixable or not.
 

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Thought I could pull myself back up alone but I’m not sure this time.
Well, sir, I am here to assure you that you CAN. BTDT. I live in the same crap. I'm "plan B". She's not attracted to me. My wife criticizes me sharply and daily.

I made a decision. I decided that I am NOT going to pay the penalty for her damned compulsive need for everything to be perfect. Life ain't perfect. She has as many flaws, as many things that need to change, as I do. And, I am NOT going to pay the penalty because she wants somebody else. That ain't my fault.

My wife is not my boss, she is not my authority, she is not my chief good, and she is not my Savior. She is supposed to be my helper and my cheerleader.....but, she ain't gonna, because some other guy in her past has her attention, even though he is now in a rest home. BTW, she admits this is true.

If God has anything to say to me, He can. I'm listening. I'm reading and thinking on His Book. There's my authority, my boss, my chief good, and my Savior. I listen to what He says. I change the things He wants changed, I live as much as I can after the example shown by the Lord Jesus Christ.

I let what my wife says go in one ear, and out the other. Her own foibles cause her to behave as a nagging shrew. I serve her faithfully, but according to HIS rules, not hers.

In fact, she needs to read the Book. But, she doesn't, and probably never will. That's not my problem. We have at least 6 translations and paraphrases of it in the house, she knows where they are. Her bible is Facebook. She needs to make a choice. I can't make her do it.
 

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When faults are struck at repeatedly for no good reason, this is the work of that shrew you mentioned.

A man who is horrible in every way possible, so unworthy by nature, should be divorced, not tortured for life.

Some women have this terrible feeling that bugs are always biting them.
Everything in life irritates them.

Especially you. 'Near' everything is your fault.

Diagnosis: Severe neuroticism.

Cure: End her misery, divorce her.

Suddenly, you feel like an average Joe, imagine that.



KB-
 
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Discussion Starter #9
Thoughtout our marriage, there have been times where she would read into things I say and do and come out with this whole story of how I feel without me ever saying these actual words. She spins my words and actions to be so negative, and I have accepted her feelings and made so many adjustments to be more understanding. When I try to say I didn’t mean that, she accused me of arguing or always defending myself, say that’s not manly. When I don’t defend she blows stuff out of proportions and accuse me of anything that I don’t deny saying of feeling. Says I’m not honest about how I feel about her and acts like I don’t like her under the sly. And I try to understand and take the blame,

but over time she has formed a negative image of me and has never let them go. Feel like she always looking for evidence to support her negative view. She would cross ever line with me.

Recently we were caught between a conflict with friends where a friend I was closer to said something mean about Me and another couple and I wasn’t as angry as the rest. Nor did I want to confront it the way they wanted to. And since then she said she had confirmed that I’m a pushover, and lack self respect.She ignored the fact that I didn’t agree with the friend at fault but the fact I didn’t want the drama and saw flaws in our approach to say I’m not a man or scared and soft. The whole drama got real messy and I figured it would but my role wasn’t as aggresive and that’s what’s making her say what she said.

I’m probably just venting at this point but I really didn’t think it was worth attacking the way we did I have never been an emotional thinker she equate this to being I confrontational and called that a bad thing.

Long story short is she doesn’t like how I handled that and keeps equating it to stuff she has help on to in past and she gets really mean and dirty in the way the talks to me. Attacks my Ego, my values and my potential
 

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Thoughtout our marriage, there have been times where she would read into things I say and do and come out with this whole story of how I feel without me ever saying these actual words. She spins my words and actions to be so negative, and I have accepted her feelings and made so many adjustments to be more understanding. When I try to say I didn’t mean that, she accused me of arguing or always defending myself, say that’s not manly. When I don’t defend she blows stuff out of proportions and accuse me of anything that I don’t deny saying of feeling. Says I’m not honest about how I feel about her and acts like I don’t like her under the sly. And I try to understand and take the blame,

but over time she has formed a negative image of me and has never let them go. Feel like she always looking for evidence to support her negative view. She would cross ever line with me.

Recently we were caught between a conflict with friends where a friend I was closer to said something mean about Me and another couple and I wasn’t as angry as the rest. Nor did I want to confront it the way they wanted to. And since then she said she had confirmed that I’m a pushover, and lack self respect.She ignored the fact that I didn’t agree with the friend at fault but the fact I didn’t want the drama and saw flaws in our approach to say I’m not a man or scared and soft. The whole drama got real messy and I figured it would but my role wasn’t as aggresive and that’s what’s making her say what she said.

I’m probably just venting at this point but I really didn’t think it was worth attacking the way we did I have never been an emotional thinker she equate this to being I confrontational and called that a bad thing.

Long story short is she doesn’t like how I handled that and keeps equating it to stuff she has help on to in past and she gets really mean and dirty in the way the talks to me. Attacks my Ego, my values and my potential
So why stay with her, why be subjected to her image of you day after day, take a stand and say to her, that i can no longer love someone who treats me this way and divorce...by staying and tolerating her belittling of you are you not accepting of her actions. Eventually you need to draw the line and the sand and tell her enough is enough, i am as mad as hell and i will not take it anymore. (excuse the movie line but it works)....do not allow her to define who you are .
 

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Just remember, and this is big:

Just because she says something it doesn't make it true. She may also have an agenda she's following in her mind, which makes it no matter what you do or say or won't be "right", because she's keeping you off balance on purpose.

You've got to act according to your own guidelines. She can come along for the company and ride, or not.
 

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Sit her down and ask her why she wants to be married to a man who she deems as so unfit to be a husband. Ask her what is lacking in her that she settles for such a poor example of a husband. Tell her that you can't respect a woman who has so little self-respect that she shackles herself to a man who she considers to be a loser.

Advise her that you are looking into setting her free so that she can find a man who will live up to her expectations and you will find a woman who will live up to your expectations of having a wife who will love, honor and cherish you.

Communication has been a problem in your marriage. Your wife sees a situation, and without adequate data, jumps the gun and starts making assumptions - then spins an entire story around those assumptions. Assume = ass/u/me. Until she recognizes that she really doesn't have a crystal ball and can't read minds, she'll continue this pattern of delusional thinking. She isn't coming across as Carnac the Magnificent - she's just coming across as ignorant and mean.
 

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Your W is verbally abusive.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.

I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?
 

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You're a conflict avoider? Conflict happens in life. You never learned to deal with it properly. Hence people inherently learn who you are, a "Nice Guy".

Nothing is more frustrating to a wife than a husband who'd rather avoid conflict than face it and resolve it.

Here is some easy reading if you are inclined to pursue a fix. Nothing will change until you do. You don't change for her, you change for you.

No More Mr Nice Guy

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Best
 

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I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?
No, but the issue is that it takes two to fix problems in a marriage.
Sounds like she would rather BMW than do the work.
The problem sounds like you are too passive.
Time for you to take charge and move towards the relationship you want.
She may respond favorably to you taking a more aggressive stance.
If she doesn't like it, put her to the curb.
Find a woman who appreciates you and doesn't abuse you.
 

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Thanks a lot for the advice. I internalise all my sadness and i don’t talk about my emotions. And I know I ain’t perfect. I grown a lot just from life experiences. And I always thought I did right as a Man. I have a family and I actually want to be a father who is present. I cant seem to keep up with her when it comes to a talking match. She explains herself much more clearly than I do. And I always come out on the wrong side. I end up shouting and that make me look small In her eyes. I would want to fix this but I know it’s not dependent on just me. She has mentioned divorce many times in our life. But we both know we depend on each other financially as we have kids and we can’t afford to separate or get divorced for now. I just needed to know that I’m not the things that I haven’t acknowledged and I’m not crazy.

I hate quitting.Am I wrong to want to fix ?
First of all have you done any marriage counseling?

If you can't keep up with her verbally how about writing down what you want to say. That will give you a starting point.

She says you are a push over have you been? This generally something that causes women to loose respect, even if you are a pushover with them.
 
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Oh boy. Another passive one who lost his spine years ago.

Go into the bedroom, get your wife's purse, and take your testicles out of it. I completely understand why she can't respect you - you're weak and passive and it's extremely unattractive. Over the years you've turned into a complete welcome mat and she's taken the aggressor role who now has zero respect for you and just says whatever she wants.

And that's because you just take it. Man up, OP.

I'm just being honest.
 

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Nothing is more frustrating to a wife than a husband who'd rather avoid conflict than face it and resolve it.
Yesss. Absolutely nothing. Even in just dating someone, I think. This will definitely make a woman lose respect. Not to mention, she’s liable to start poking you with a verbal assault stick just to try to force you to stand up for yourself. Which it seems like she has.

It really is extremely annoying to have to drag things out of someone.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You seem like a good guy but I think you need to open up your mouth and tell her to lay off!
 
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