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Discussion Starter #1
Hello,

I'm gonna try and be as clear as possible as I am looking for a way to stop all this from happening.

I have been married for almost 3 years, living with her for almost 4. 2 weeks ago we had our final argument, she called the cops and left. She doesnt want to talk to me at all.

My wife and I have been through some serious ups and downs in almost 4 years, nothing has been easy but we have been able to work together and work through the whole situation. Like every couple out there we have arguments and fights. One thing is I have a serious temper control problem. When i'm about to blow up I yell and have even gotten to the point of breaking stuff and throwing stuff. One time a few years back we had a physical argument but she wanted to move past that quick so we went to our church and spoke to our pastor and he helped us. We had other issues with time but not ever like that one. My wife at times has an attitude problem but thats no excuse for my anger and temper control loss. For some time now she had been telling me to get help that she loves me and thinks I need help controlling my anger, but since after she says that things always calmed down I just thought she was saying it so id calm down and I just leave it at that.

About a month ago she sat down with me and told me out of the blue that next time I had an angry outburst or broke anything she will call the cops and leave me. Well On a monday I was having the most miserable day ever and to make it worst I picked a fight with her. I even mentioned divorce, when i got home she said that she will give me the divorce and she started to look for things in her drawer. I was so mad she actually said she wanted the divorce that I just threw everything from the dresser on the floor and she went and got her cell and called the police, at that time I was even more angry and just broke a mirror. I asked her just to leave, to go somewhere else to please dont call the cops. I know I could have taken her phone away and tried to reason with her but I was so mad I just stood there while she talked to them. I then got scared and mad but called my mom and calmed down. Cops came, she left no harm done. Next day I see her walking to the bus stop by our apartment and ask her to talk and she got in our car and we talked on the way to her job. But got no where.
Next day she shows up with more cops to finish taking her things. I was then destroyed cause she didnt even look at me. The cops told me she didnt want me calling her, texting her, emailing or any type of communication. No restraining order was filed because I didnt threaten her or touched her.

Her mom said she would not come back so I turned in our apartment and sold everything for pennies just so I didnt have to endure a long sad move. The rest of our stuff that didnt sell I just gave away. Being in the apartment made me depressed, I spend a full 7 days with about 4 hours of sleep all together. I ate maybe 3 times.

Since our wedding day it hasnt been easy, we had our first marriage fight in front of some family on our wedding day (not a good start). But we always fought for stupid little things but when it was time to be a strong and focused couple and handle big things, we where always able to do it without any trouble. Just little things always sparked hell.

On February when I traveled to a family event, she stayed home and called me and said she was going to join some group and that it was important for her to do it. She waited till I was gone to tell me. After the first weekend in that group she said she had discovered stuff about herself. After 2 weekends in hat group she said they where like her family. Since then she has insisted non stop to join that group and i was about to just for her until insisting got a little too intense. To go to that stuff you have to pay hundreds of dollars but she always said that it is worth it because it helps her. Ive seen her very distant from the relationship after she joined even more when I told her to choose between them and our marriage.

Besides my temper, I have always been there for my wife. I always make sure she doesnt need anything, I woke up in the middle of the night just to see her sleep( she is beautiful). Since we have been together we have never been in any type of need or had any bad situation. I make sure she isnt late for work, that she is comfortable. Lately ive been stressed because my salary got cut, I left my job, I opened my own company and been taking the stress out on her. Ive been grumpy and not smiling at all.

Even when I'm mad Im happy on the inside because I love her and have her even when I dont show it. Since she left I have been seeking all the help I can, its been only 2 weeks but I am crushed.

I finally got to talk to her and she said she didnt love me anymore. That everything that is happening to me is consequence of my actions, its like she really wants me punished.

I told her that I will change and regardless if we fix things or not I need to change some things about myself. But I told her i wanted another chance. That we could try something slow and if she saw no change we can just walk away. I will join church groups, I have been going to church more, I will be getting professional help as well. But this is crushing me so bad, I cant take it. I know its mostly my fault but not on purpose. I love her to the end of times and back. I now realize I was stupid, but I think its too late....

Any advice?
Please help!!
 

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My first thought is that you should have been seeking professional help long ago for your anger issues. She gave you a very clear "last chance". You blew it. Now it might be too late. If she was my daughter, I'd encourage her to keep you out of her life.

Having said that, your best bet is to actively pursue getting help. Do it for yourself, not just to "win her back". There's a chance that over time, she might see that you've changed, and give you another "last chance". Other than that, I've got nothing.

C
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Discussion Starter #3
My first thought is that you should have been seeking professional help long ago for your anger issues. She gave you a very clear "last chance". You blew it. Now it might be too late. If she was my daughter, I'd encourage her to keep you out of her life.

Having said that, your best bet is to actively pursue getting help. Do it for yourself, not just to "win her back". There's a chance that over time, she might see that you've changed, and give you another "last chance". Other than that, I've got nothing.

C
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That part I get now, but I dont have a way to explain, my anger and temper was rarely it wasnt a daily, weekly or monthly part.
I just realized she is the love of my life, and I cant lose her, not too many women like her out there.
 

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That part I get now, but I dont have a way to explain, my anger and temper was rarely it wasnt a daily, weekly or monthly part.
I just realized she is the love of my life, and I cant lose her, not too many women like her out there.
You're making excuses for your past behavior, IMHO. ONCE was too often. You got in a major fight ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. She gave you a VERY clear "last chance". What did you do about that?

My advice still stands. Start trying to fix yourself FOR yourself. Not for her, or anyone else. But if you don't fix yourself, you're doomed to continue this relationship pattern. Unless you find someone so beaten down that they're willing to accept your abuse. Because make no mistake, you are abusive.


C
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All you can do is work on yourself and once things calm down you can try to reach out and communicate.

The way you liquidated your common property was self destructive. She owned half of the stuff and you just wiped out her share. That will something more to quarrel about if you attempt to reconcile.
 

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Acting out in anger to a woman is a death sentence for your relationship.

Remember that for future relationships. Get help.
 
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Work on yourself, focus on yourself, take care of yourself. She is not responsible for YOUR behavior. Changing yourself to suit HER will not benefit you...Trust me.

I've spent almost 10 years changing myself to better my relationship. Turns out, I wasn't getting anywhere because he needed to change.

The only positive here is that you have seen your worst, and now you can act on it and improve upon it. But don't do it for HER, do it for YOU.

I understand you are upset, it is truly devastating to lose the person you promised to stay with forever.. But, fighting on your wedding day should have been your first warning.

Don't lose yourself in this.. Better yourself, for yourself. If she comes back, awesome. If you make changes and find yourself in an even better relationship down the road, even better.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
You're making excuses for your past behavior, IMHO. ONCE was too often. You got in a major fight ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. She gave you a VERY clear "last chance". What did you do about that?

My advice still stands. Start trying to fix yourself FOR yourself. Not for her, or anyone else. But if you don't fix yourself, you're doomed to continue this relationship pattern. Unless you find someone so beaten down that they're willing to accept your abuse. Because make no mistake, you are abusive.


C
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Im not making excuses for my behavior, I focused on my problem so I can get some advice, I am a very calm and dedicated person, just like some humans I blow up harder than others. I have been a loving caring person all along and thats why we remained together.

On our wedding day she was the one who went crazy because she didnt want any help from anyone and it blew up on her, thats been one of our issues, she wants to be more independent than she really is and if it doesnt go her way it turns into a blame game. We have had so many issues most resolved but the stupid little ones kept messing us up.

I am in no shape or form abusive. I am a very protectant person. When the cops came she made it seem like I was abusive but they found no reason to act against me. I didnt touch/ threaten or endangered her. They couldnt find cause for a restraining order. I've been doing some soul searching and getting some help. But honestly after she joined that new group of people and she even works with some of those girls she has changed.
She told me once that her coworker had joined a group and went crazy and left her husband... 3 months later after my wife joins that group she does the same.
 

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What group?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
All you can do is work on yourself and once things calm down you can try to reach out and communicate.

The way you liquidated your common property was self destructive. She owned half of the stuff and you just wiped out her share. That will something more to quarrel about if you attempt to reconcile.
Like most couples we have split expenses in our apartment.
For the past few months she has been spending on herself and the group she joined. Came time to pay he side of stuff, she left I couldnt pay the rent because I had not accounted for since it was her share to take care of. I sold everything because she told the cops she didnt want anything. I didnt want to stay there. I gave her the chance to put stuff in storage, she didnt want anything. Her personal stuff left behind I gave to her friends to give her. Walking in to the apartment made me depressed, I cried 5 days straight it was hard on me as well.
 

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Im not making excuses for my behavior, I focused on my problem so I can get some advice, I am a very calm and dedicated person, just like some humans I blow up harder than others. I have been a loving caring person all along and thats why we remained together.

On our wedding day she was the one who went crazy because she didnt want any help from anyone and it blew up on her, thats been one of our issues, she wants to be more independent than she really is and if it doesnt go her way it turns into a blame game. We have had so many issues most resolved but the stupid little ones kept messing us up.

I am in no shape or form abusive. I am a very protectant person. When the cops came she made it seem like I was abusive but they found no reason to act against me. I didnt touch/ threaten or endangered her. They couldnt find cause for a restraining order. I've been doing some soul searching and getting some help. But honestly after she joined that new group of people and she even works with some of those girls she has changed.
She told me once that her coworker had joined a group and went crazy and left her husband... 3 months later after my wife joins that group she does the same.
Let's see... Physical arguments, breaking stuff, throwing stuff, knocking everything off the dresser, breaking a mirror... Sure sounds abusive to me! Whether the cops could do anything or not, I'd do everything I could to prevent my daughter from going back to you.

And this last argument is after she gave you your final chance. You were in a bad mood, picked a fight, then blew up.

I got nothing for you, other than work hard on yourself, for your own sake.

C
 

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What group?
I dont know how to explain, she was persuaded by this girl that works with her to join. You pay from $250 a weekend to $500 and also have to have conference calls at weird times. They send text messaged 24 hours a day.

Its supposed to be a group to better yourself. But when you ask what is it about, they tell you they cant say but that you have to do it, that you need to do it. They insist way too much. After she joined she has been calmer, and distant. She says she wont fight back anymore but she still starts the arguments and then when the fight starts she will walk away. No talking or trying to solve anything. Before we would talk and get somewhere, after that communication shut off completely!
 

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Let's see... Physical arguments, breaking stuff, throwing stuff, knocking everything off the dresser, breaking a mirror... Sure sounds abusive to me! Whether the cops could do anything or not, I'd do everything I could to prevent my daughter from going back to you.

And this last argument is after she gave you your final chance. You were in a bad mood, picked a fight, then blew up.

I got nothing for you, other than work hard on yourself, for your own sake.

C
The physical argument: she came drunk home at 7:30 am and started arguing and telling me to go at her. Its not a fight or a beating. she came at me and i pushed her on the couch(not what people think, I wouldnt hit her).

I am pointing out only my behavior there is a reason why fight started, I dont want to say anything bad about her. But it takes 2 to get there. I am pointing out my flaws and focusing on them, I am not abusive. I have been a few times explosive but never abusive.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I already know and i'm aware of needing help, that is why I seek it.
But I never realized I would miss her so much. I love her and feel miserable for not listening to her. I feel like crap for what she is going through. My whole family is in on helping me. But I believe its too late now for anything. I would give my last breath to be with her again!
 

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So I am new to this forum, and will start a thread soon with my own story, but I can tell you coming from a somewhat abusive past, Manny, whether you label it yourself or not, these are classic signs of abuse and being abusive. Whether or not you have laid a finger on her is beside the point. A calm, collected, non abusive individual would not have the anger and impulse control issues that you clearly have.

I am not (nor is anyone on this thread) trying to belittle you or be negative to you, it's simply a matter of fact. From everything I've learned after reading everybody's posts on here, we are all on the same team, and are all here to help each other. One individual's struggle, may be another one's learning experience, just by learning about it. You'll read through these posts and threads and see that you are learning information about yourself that you never even knew. Stuff that even your ex spouse for x number of years couldn't help you figure out. You'll go through the books and the experiences and the check lists and realize, "wow, this describes my actions perfectly." The experience as a whole sucks. Big time. But this is the place to go to get started.

With that all being said, it is clear that you need to seek counseling and help. Just because the police didn't do anything, does not mean that nothing innapropriate happened. It means the police were called. That's what you should focus on. In a healthy marriage, where both parties are healthy, that should never happen. Regardless of how you got to this point, that is never okay. Man or woman, physical abuse should NEVER happen.

I find myself struggling with my own anger issues which I attribute to a somewhat self destructive father who also dealth with his own anger issues (and his father before him), and I've come to the point where I know I need to leave the situation if I start "boiling over" with anger. Practice this. Live it. In your day to day life, your job, your relationships, if you become a parent, etc. LISTEN to the advice on here. Don't let the words fall off the page. Take them in. The people on here know what they're talking about. But we are not counselors, we are not teachers, we are others who have gone through either the same or very similar situations.

And lastly, again, seek counseling today. Please keep posting, we'd love to be there for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
She left two weeks ago. What have you done since then to work on yourself?

C
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I first called a psycologist And made an appt. Then I started going to our church, the same one that really helped us in the past. I moved back to my parents house in my country. I was on the border of crashing emotionally and physically. I will be going to retreats and taking anger management and family courses.
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Discussion Starter #18 (Edited)
So I am new to this forum, and will start a thread soon with my own story, but I can tell you coming from a somewhat abusive past, Manny, whether you label it yourself or not, these are classic signs of abuse and being abusive. Whether or not you have laid a finger on her is beside the point. A calm, collected, non abusive individual would not have the anger and impulse control issues that you clearly have.

I am not (nor is anyone on this thread) trying to belittle you or be negative to you, it's simply a matter of fact. From everything I've learned after reading everybody's posts on here, we are all on the same team, and are all here to help each other. One individual's struggle, may be another one's learning experience, just by learning about it. You'll read through these posts and threads and see that you are learning information about yourself that you never even knew. Stuff that even your ex spouse for x number of years couldn't help you figure out. You'll go through the books and the experiences and the check lists and realize, "wow, this describes my actions perfectly." The experience as a whole sucks. Big time. But this is the place to go to get started.

With that all being said, it is clear that you need to seek counseling and help. Just because the police didn't do anything, does not mean that nothing innapropriate happened. It means the police were called. That's what you should focus on. In a healthy marriage, where both parties are healthy, that should never happen. Regardless of how you got to this point, that is never okay. Man or woman, physical abuse should NEVER happen.

I find myself struggling with my own anger issues which I attribute to a somewhat self destructive father who also dealth with his own anger issues (and his father before him), and I've come to the point where I know I need to leave the situation if I start "boiling over" with anger. Practice this. Live it. In your day to day life, your job, your relationships, if you become a parent, etc. LISTEN to the advice on here. Don't let the words fall off the page. Take them in. The people on here know what they're talking about. But we are not counselors, we are not teachers, we are others who have gone through either the same or very similar situations.

And lastly, again, seek counseling today. Please keep posting, we'd love to be there for you.
I like how you write. Thank you.
My whole issue now is preventing the divorce and getting the love of my life back. She has been the only person who has had my back regardless of.
Does anyone think id be able to get her back?
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I first called a psycologist And made an appt. Then I started going to our church, the same one that really helped us in the past. I moved back to my parents house in my country. I was on the border of crashing emotionally and physically. I will be going to retreats and taking anger management and family courses.
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The way I see it, you're booking your tickets for a trip, which is a good start. It's the only start, for that matter. But now you've got to start making the journey. You need to do this for yourself. You need to do it even if your wife doesn't want to reconcile or see the changes. But it will make you a better person.

It may also come out that your wife was toxic to you. It wouldn't be the first time that two people who were fine by themselves got together and became fire and gasoline.

C
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The way I see it, you're booking your tickets for a trip, which is a good start. It's the only start, for that matter. But now you've got to start making the journey. You need to do this for yourself. You need to do it even if your wife doesn't want to reconcile or see the changes. But it will make you a better person.

It may also come out that your wife was toxic to you. It wouldn't be the first time that two people who were fine by themselves got together and became fire and gasoline.

C
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I left as soon as stuff happened. To give some time and space.
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