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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone new to the site and looking for some help to try to get my wife back. My wife left me two weeks ago and moved in with her mother. We were having some issues with money spending and communications with each other. Really it is way more my fault I didn’t here her when she was try to explain to me about money. We both have good jobs and my thinking was live for today not tomorrow and she wanted to save. I wasn’t hearing what she was trying to say, what if one of us would lose are jobs or one would get hurt. I got way to comfortable in the marriage and forgot how to communicate with her. This has been going on for about a year she said. We will be married 8 years on 03-09-08 and she will be 37 in July me I will be 42 in February
I love my wife more then anything and am willing to try to change the things that hurt her. We did everything together and I want to try to get that back.
I am not perfect but never cheated of ever raised a hand to her, it is communications and acceptance to changes and really just hearing her when she talks to me.
 

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COMMUNICATION is the best foundation for a marriage. I have seen to many fall apart because the lack of it. If she has her own e-mail send her a note saying you'll talk to her on her terms even if just in e-mail right now.

So many people wait until it is beyond the point and try to fix something to late.

I'll offer this suggestion to you. Go to an AA meeting and listen to the stories of people that had to lose everything good in their lives before they realized what they lost. These people lost it because of alcohol however, you lost it from lack of communication or rather the lack of listening. Your wife is your partner and needs to have an equal say too. Imagine your marriage is a business and she is your partner.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well last nite she came over to the house to show me how to pay the bills on the internet. We started to talk very nice to each other and thats when she ask me for a divorce. I just started to cry, I can not beleave it I told her and ask why are you quiting and she told me she quit a while ago. What should i do. :( :confused:
 

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It is going to need two people willing to work on the relationship to fix it all. My suggestion is try to talk to her calmly no matter what she says and find the root of the problem. Why did she quit a year ago?

Before that how long did she realize something was wrong?

You need to know those two things. Most of all if you can get her to talk you need to LISTEN.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hello again, well we started marriage counseling a week after she left. Just last night I got a call from the counselor stating she would not be able to talk to me anymore that my wife wants to be counseled by her self. When we started counseling we started separate and never got the chance to sit down together and talk about everything. Couple things she did tell me was she wanted to settle down more and for us not to run as much as we did. She wanted it to be more just me and her. We have a lot of friends and we were always doing something with other people and not spending quality time together. The other thing is that I’m Italian and some times when I’m trying to get her to give me a hand doing something I raise my voice and she said that just goes through her like a knife. I am a person that if you ask me to do some thing I do it right then at least 95 percent of the time. I always have to ask her at least two or more time to come and help me with something that I might need three hands to do. I drag race a motor cycle and it got to the point she hate the bike, one of the reasons is the money I put into it and the other I think she might be afraid that I’m going to get hurt. I’ve been racing for about 20 years and one of my goal was to go 200 mph and under 7 seconds in the quarter mile. Now she said me trying to change for her is too late. I told her I would quite racing and even sell the bike. Yes I would do that for her and for my self it is dangerous sport and I do not need to get hurt. If you love some one it is never too late to change in my book, but she is holding all the cards. Any suggestions? :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I forgot to add the more I think back I did here my wife but thought things would just work out it's self, man was I ever wrong.:(
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
That is the hardest part thinking she might never look back. When you love some one unconditionally that you can not see the future with out her that is so hard too do, even thinking about it just rips my heart out. It’s like part of me died when she left and I do not think I can get past that. One thing I do know life will go one but I do not think I can get past the love I have for her. My wife and I did everything together I could trust her with my life and I need her to see that she still can trust me with heir’s and we can get the romance back. I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream that we were laying in bed me just holding her to find it’s just her pillow, this is killing me inside. How do you prepare for some thing that you do not want to lose the love in your heart that beats for her? At this point I can’t even think straight, two of my very close friends a married couple is trying to help me get past this heart and I’m so grateful for them but nothing is working. I’m going to ask her out for dinner for Valentines Day and see what she says to me. I’m not going to talk about are trouble just try to get back to the days when we were so in love when the fire was so hot. Do you think this would be a good idea for me to try?:(:(
 

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I would be inclined to do little things with her but chances are you should try every other week to go on a date. When she says something important you should repeat it back to her in the form of a question to show you are listening to her.

"how are things going?"

"good, the job is picking up and I started college."

"College, how is that going?"

draconis
 

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:iagree:draconis he's giving you the BEST advice I can think of...I would try the VDAY dinner idea...
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I will ask her if she would like to go out for dinner on the 14th. I'll keep trying until the end!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
Hello everyone! Just wanted to update everyone who replied to my issues! We are now is marriage counseling and working on our problems. We now are seeing each other 3 days a week spending time together. I thought this marriage was totally over but I’m slowly working my way back. Marriage counseling does work if you go in open minded and here what they are telling you. I found that time does help; the more you push for it to happen the faster they run. I'm still not out of the woods and have a lot of work a head of me, but she is worth the wait and working to get our marriage on a streight path. Thanks again everyone, I’ll check back in a couple weeks. Rick
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well found out this week that my wife has been talking to her old boss a lot, she worked for him for about two months and then laid off. He is a dentist! Its way more then a working relationship the amount of time they are spending on the phone. She told me when she worked there that his wife did not like then next thing you know she was gone. I also found out that this guy and his wife are always having ups and downs in there marriage. Not long after she started working there my troubles started to grow, the change of clothes she wore and the titer they got. I found out that she has been talking to him on the phone for long periods of time. I confronted her on it and see told me that it is for work only. My wife now is working for a dental image company and she said he is referring customers to her. There is no way that he is sending that many people to her, from his office to the image center is over 35 miles and that area is a very low income area. The people there do not have that kind of money and it is not covered by insurance. This image machine is new to the area and where we live is an area of middle to upper class people and the dentist in this area are barely sending anyone. Her actions are up and down with me, now see thinks she wants out again. This is a roller coaster ride from hell!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Again a change now she is confused and wants to see the counselor to see if there is anything else we could try. This change was with in a 15 hour period. My wife needs to let the past go, how should I go about this?
 

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It seems like the attention she was seeking from you, she has found from this dentist. Hopefully a good counselor and some strength from you can show her and convince her that the attention she is seeking from him can come from you.

I am going through a similar situation in which my wife didn't communicate with me that so many things were wrong until it broke our relationship with an emotional affair that she is having with a coworker. Now she is not sure that she wants to give me a chance to give her what she is seeking. I just found out a couple days ago that she was in the affair so I don't know what will happen. All I know is that I must change, be strong, and pray that she will allow herself to see that I can provide for her what she is seeking. Good luck to you.
 

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Re: Going thru a seperation

My wife has asked me for a seperation after 9 rocky years of marriage. We got married very young, she was 18 and I was 23.
Over the last year she stated feeling numb towards our relationship, but she stated she still loves me. I asked her if this is the end and she told me she's not sure. She stated she needed space to reflect on our marriage from the outside. I agreed to give her the space and moved in with my sister. She said she is unsure of where she is as a person, that on one hand she needs to move forward to rediscover herself, but that she also worries she might regret seperating with me. I've gone thru a maturity throught out the last year, understanding what I have done wrong and how to treat her. She said she recognized the changes over the last several weeks, but she still needs time to heal and then see if she's willing to try, but she won't give me an answer. Out of respect i'll honor that. The problem i'm dealing with is my efforts did not come because she wanted to seperate, we just seperated on Saturday. The problem is my health, I have alot of anxiety, I get the shakes real bad, I have trouble eating, I breakdown constantly. She said she is very afraid of how my health is declining, but I don't know how to fix it. When I sleep it's more like a half conscience daze. I am scared for my health, as well as the prospect of loosing her which I can't really face. I don't feel suicidal at all, but I do feel alot of hopelessness. Any advice?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Hello every one and thanks for all that responded to this post. Just an update to everything that has been going on! My wife has move some of her thing back in the house with me and has been staying here with me for a little over a month now. The problem is we are now having big trust issues with each other, hers with me is when we were apart I was text messaging two women that we both new never meaning anything except talking and one of the women I would see out and talk to her when I was out with my friends. Again this happened when we were apart! Mine with her is the dentist that she worked for and still talks to every now and then do to her new job which she knows I do not like him at all. She found out I was able to get info on her work cell phone to see who she was talking to, she put a block on that she went to version and told them I was looking at the phone records. Now the new thing is her and I went to ocean city Maryland with her brother and his wife this past weekend, we took are car and her brother took his. Friday night I lost my wallet, on Saturday morning I told my wife I was going to back track again to see if I could find it before breakfast to pick me up on the way. When she got to where I was I jumped in the back of the car behind her, her brother was in the front and his wife was behind him. I was sitting there and for some reason I stuck my hand down in the pouch of she seat because I never noticed the pouch before that. I just never noticed the pouch before that day, I found a rubber in there and I no I did not put it there nor do I need one for the fact I had been cut for two years. She said it must have been there because she did not put it there; the package looked like it just came out of the box and did not look old at all. Is she telling me the truth or is it a lie? I am getting to the point that I don’t even care anymore, she does not want to be around some of are friends anymore because they took my side when she left the home. These people are my friends and I don’t think I should be put in this predicament where I need to forget them to make her happy, these people are her friends and still want to be friends. If she would have handled this different we would not be in this mess. In stead of leaving we should have went to marriage counseling like she suggested to me. When she suggested it I told her I would go that I agreed with her, a month after she suggested it she decided to leave instead. Now we have all the back issues along with all the new ones. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, it even put me in the hospital for 4 days. I told my doctor I was having some chest pains and she had me go do a stressed test and it came back positive on a Friday afternoon, at that point I could not leave the hospital because they wanted to do a heart catheter to check my heart and was going to be Monday morning. Thank god that came back negative. I do not no what to do at this point! :( and :mad:
 

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Do you think she may be withholding some details from you in fear of how you might react? If it were me, I would have a calm talk and tell her that you are having trust issues and it's in the way of the two of you making progress and causing you stress. I would only do that if I were also ready to hear the whole truth, without going off the deep end. Maybe it's time to think of the worst she might have done and decide whether that would be a deal breaker for you? If not, see if you can get what you need to move forward towards rebuilding trust. If you feel the need to talk to friends, etc. about what's going on it will understandably make her uncomfortable around them. It will also not help in bringing you closer to her. Only you can decide what to do as far as your marriage and rebuilding trust can happen, but she has to be open with you and you have to be willing to make her feel safe doing so.
 
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