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I'm feeling really confused and alone at the moment, my wife and have been trying for a baby for over two years now with no success. Last year my wife became pregnant but it turned out to be ectopic, requiring emergency surgery.

15 months later after having no joy in conceiving again we started the ball in motion to find out if we have a fertility issue, however two weeks after the first appointment we found my wife is pregnant again, however following symptoms the same as the ectopic my wife is now in hospital again and it looks like she is no longer pregnant. Obviously emotions are riding high at the moment and last night my wife declared she doesn't want to try for any more children.

My wife has a son from an earlier relationship who was 10 years old when we got together and we get on well however it is more of friend relationship than a father - son relationship.

I feel angry and heartbroken that I will never have the opportunity to be a dad, my sister has just had a baby and it chokes me when I see him, I hear my friends raving about how great their kids are and asking when I am going to be a dad and it just feels like a kick n the guts. The worst thing I feel like there is nobody I can talk to and not even my wife (Who is the most caring and loving wife in the world)can understand how I feel.
 

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I do feel for you. My husband and I struggled with infertility ourselves. He has a daughter from his first marriage and after years of taking a certain kind of medicine, his sperm count was too low for us to conceive naturally. I was resentful and often asking the 'Why me?' questions. I can relate to what you are feeling really well.

However, it was not my husband's fault. It's not your wife's fault either. She had to deal with not only the failed pregnancies but disappointing you at the same time. I've been friends with many couples with similar fertility issues and understand well the emotional devastation during the process of trying to conceive and failing over and over again. Not wanting to go through it again is quite understandable. Perhaps your wife has hit her limits.

It's okay to be angry and heartbroken about your wife's decision. I would be too if I were you. Please don't take it out on her though. Go see a therapist that specializes in infertility and loss. Ours really helped us and our marriage.

Wishing you all the best!


I'm feeling really confused and alone at the moment, my wife and have been trying for a baby for over two years now with no success. Last year my wife became pregnant but it turned out to be ectopic, requiring emergency surgery.

15 months later after having no joy in conceiving again we started the ball in motion to find out if we have a fertility issue, however two weeks after the first appointment we found my wife is pregnant again, however following symptoms the same as the ectopic my wife is now in hospital again and it looks like she is no longer pregnant. Obviously emotions are riding high at the moment and last night my wife declared she doesn't want to try for any more children.

My wife has a son from an earlier relationship who was 10 years old when we got together and we get on well however it is more of friend relationship than a father - son relationship.

I feel angry and heartbroken that I will never have the opportunity to be a dad, my sister has just had a baby and it chokes me when I see him, I hear my friends raving about how great their kids are and asking when I am going to be a dad and it just feels like a kick n the guts. The worst thing I feel like there is nobody I can talk to and not even my wife (Who is the most caring and loving wife in the world)can understand how I feel.
 

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Ectopic pregnancy can result in the mother's death. That might explain her reluctance to try again, coupled with the grief of losing 2 pregnancies.

My husband chose to have a vasectomy rather than have a child with me, so I can understand your grief on a certain level. I was crushed by his decision. On the other hand, I have two kids of my own from a previous marriage, so I understood his reluctance to add to our crew.

The hard part is untangling your grief from hers and having compassion for both of you. These situations can lead to blame and resentment if you don't handle them with care. Both of you are right to feel the way you do. Neither is more right or less right.

Try not to get caught up in black and white thinking. There are options. Surrogacy. Adoption. Foster care. I know that sounds trite and perhaps like a compromise, but I bet if you talk to other parents who went that route, they may change your mind.

Peace to you in the journey.
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I agree with "bewilderness" response. This is not about blaming someone or getting resentful with your wife. My dear friend, I see exactly where you are coming from. You are mad at your wife, mad at the world, mad at God because what "you" want is not coming to pass. "Why can't I be happy? Why can't we have children?" These questions echo in your head day and night. As they echo it turns to hate, anger, and resentment. The more you mole it over, the more you give place for evil and troubling spirits to be hovering over you. Its a tough and hard place to be; whereas everyone else is the problem. Do not give place for any evil thought to take root within your mind!

Love on your wife all the more, even if it means that she will never be able to get pregnant again. And what then? If this is the case, does that mean you become resentful at her the rest of her life? Does this mean you become resentful at God the rest of your life? Does this mean you throw away your wife and find another who might fulfill "your" wishes and desires?

It is NOT about you! It is NOT about you! It is NOT about you!

Love is patient and is kind. Love does not seeks its own and it does not take into account the wrong that have been suffered. Have you been loving your wife the way a husband should be loving his wife? Have you been patient with your wife, despite these difficulties of trying to stay pregnant? Your wife needs you all the more, ESPECIALLY as she is going through the process of trying to carry a future baby. You have no idea what your wife feels or is going through during these tough and difficult times. All you can think about is "Why can't I have a child?" and "Why is this happening to me?" and "Woe is me." Its NOT about you! Its NOT about you! Its NOT about you!

There is hope! Whether you believe in God or not, I believe with all of my heart, soul, and mind that God can open your wife's womb again to bare a child all the way to the end. It has happened many times before. Sarah in the Bible bore Abraham a son when the two of them were of old age. Rachael was barren from having kids and cried out to God for help and God heard her cries and opened her womb and she bore kids.

I have heard other stories outside of the Bible of people that have trusted in God to heal them and He did...others were not healed and took a different route (such as a adoption).

My closing words of advice is that you get your eyes off yourself and put them onto God first and than your wife. If God is not in your way of thinking, than I would say love your wife all the more...more than yourself, because its not about you.
 
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