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My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage she has never had many friends and we always went out or did things together. She has also recently lost over 50 lbs which has improved her confidence and self esteem.

In September her office where she works started a renovation. She has recently become friendly with one of the construction workers there to the point where last week they exchanged phone numbers and are now texting each other. She told me about this guy back in September when this started and how they would talk at work, how he went through a divorce and seemed like a nice guy. They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. At no time at all did she ever come home late from work or go out with anyone. We've been having more sex than we ever did before because she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego.

Now I think the texting is becoming a bit much. Its happening every day, even on the weekends. We're laying in bed together at 9:30 or 10pm and he starts sending messages like hey, I'm up. What are you doing? I tried telling her I think the texts are inappropriate and she needs to let him know. However now shes accusing me of being controlling and not wanting her to have any friends. She has admitted they flirt but says it's a game, that nothing else will ever happen and that she loves me. I'm just having a very hard time with that.

What do I do?
 

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My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage she has never had many friends and we always went out or did things together. She has also recently lost over 50 lbs which has improved her confidence and self esteem.

In September her office where she works started a renovation. She has recently become friendly with one of the construction workers there to the point where last week they exchanged phone numbers and are now texting each other. She told me about this guy back in September when this started and how they would talk at work, how he went through a divorce and seemed like a nice guy. They talk, she admits they flirt but says it boosts her ego. Again, she told me about this right when it started happening and as far as I know has been open and honest about everything. At no time at all did she ever come home late from work or go out with anyone. We've been having more sex than we ever did before because she says that flirting with this guy and having him pay attention to her gives her more self confidence and boosts her ego.

Now I think the texting is becoming a bit much. Its happening every day, even on the weekends. We're laying in bed together at 9:30 or 10pm and he starts sending messages like hey, I'm up. What are you doing? I tried telling her I think the texts are inappropriate and she needs to let him know. However now shes accusing me of being controlling and not wanting her to have any friends. She has admitted they flirt but says it's a game, that nothing else will ever happen and that she loves me. I'm just having a very hard time with that.

What do I do?
You should have stopped it when it began. Do you still boost her ego? She's already emotionally attached to this guy. You're having more sex than ever because she's thinking about him. It's not that you don't want her to have friends, you don't want her to have a boyfriend.

Put your foot down fast and firm...she deletes his number and cuts him off completely.....or you file.
 

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You have to understand, these things just don't go away. It will increase and I also agree she's thinks of stud muffin. Have you always been a man who stands to the side and let's things roll off you back?

Marriage is compromise, but the is the beginning of the end. Why because she's in charge and is having this emotion affair, and your on the sidelines watching. It stops today or it won't and you will be posting in the getting divorce fourm. She's taken to this man and is fully in because he's local it will turn physical and it will go underground. Justification and conpartmentalize's is what CHEATERS do.

You not thinking if it's not physical then it not cheating WRONG! It is and she likes it . If you did this with a hottie, what would she think. Yep that's right the same.
 

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Friend, your wife is deep into an emotional affair. You're actually aiding it along by telling yourself things like "she's never been home late" or "our sex life is better now" which is just rationalizing things away. Don't become a member of the "there's just no way that MY wife would fall into an affair" club. I was once a member, as were countless others on these forums.

As said above- put your foot down and demand that she end this NOW. Have her send a no contact message and block this guys number. Demand access to her phone. Run Fonelab- today! Google it. It works.

Find out if other things are going on- pictures, sexting, plans or even a desire to meet up.

She's in deep and already hitting you with the "you don't trust me?" nonsense. But you can take control. You need to- today.

You're going to get some good advice on this forum. Heed the warnings and take action.
 

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Not sure where to begin on this. You started this out all wrong. When she first came to you and said she exchanged numbers with some construction worker. You should have completely shut it down at that point. I am a pretty level headed normal dude I think for the most part...but from time to time I have opinions that some may not like. One of those opinions is, if you're going to be with me, you pretty much can't make any new male friends. I mean...like ever. I'll let you keep the ones you already have (yep, I used the word let), but there is never a good reason for a new guy to come sniffing around.

Perhaps this sounds harsh or controlling on my part, but I really am fine with all those "friends", that have been acquired in childhood, high school, college, work, even ex-boyfriends that have moved on etc. I just don't like new ones. Because most of the attractive females I know have a lot of friends that were guys that were simply friend zoned but wanted more. I'd go a step further and say that while I don't think all of us men are shallow, I often wonder how many of these so called male "friends". Would be hanging around liking every social media post, and texting constantly if a woman was a 3 or 4, instead of a 7 or an 8. I hope this doesn't come off as Red Pilly, simply my observation.

As for the OP, I think you need to put a stop to this. If she won't stop than you know where you stand.
 

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Are you okay with it?

If so, then carry on. But if it were me, I don't think I could stand to see myself in the mirror while allowing it to continue.

If you aren't okay with it, tell her flirty contact with other men stops right now...forever...if she wants to remain married to you.

However, if she isn't willing to stop, you will permanently set her free to flirt with whomever she wants.

Don't make this more complicated than it needs to be. She either wants to be with you and ONLY you, or she doesn't.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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From a guy that’s tried to be OK with such things... you are playing a very dangerous game.
The sex you’re having? It’s not you that is turning her on. It’s him.
The confidence she’s having? It’s not you instilling it in her. It’s him.
She’s already texting him... while in bed with you.
”Wife, this has gone on long enough. I’m glad you’re happy and confident, but this has gone too far. It is disrespecting your marriage and disrespecting me, so I’m asking you to stop it.”
Don’t argue about it. Don’t respond to accusations of being controlling. Don’t police her. Just say your peace and be done with it.
If she won’t stop, consider doing what she does. That’s really the only way my wife ‘got it.’ Because if it’s OK for her, it’s OK for you.
Right?
 

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Be honest with yourself and aware of how damaging this has become to your relationship because she sounds as if she is already falling in love with him however unmindful.

That little voice of doubt is there for a reason... listen to it and ground yourself.

I agree with @Marduk... you are being substituted for in many ways.

She is not your's to keep or lose, she is her's to respect your marriage and her promises given.

If she cannot do that, then your boundaries must be firm and as clear as your outcomes, your choices are the only thing you can control.

There is no fence-sitting here, your actions must follow your words... you are already on the "Plan-B" road in too many ways... do not confuse your self-worth with hers.
 

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September is six months ago. They have become attached emotionally. Y'all both need to do some reading on Emotional Affairs. Read about limerence. Many folks do not understand the slippery slope.

He is divorced and needy. She is newly in good shape and needy for attention. Needy plus needy equals danger. She should let him find his new life in a place away from her. Nothing good will come from their alliance. Likely she will be defensive about this and you will have to set firm boundaries immediately. The divorce rate for those who have lost significant weight is high.

Listen to the guys here! She would not like you acting like this. They are developing intimacy and connection that should be saved for marriage.
 

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What do you do? You kick her out of bed and tell her to go text her boyfriend from the couch which is where she'll be sleeping from now on.

Even if her so-called friend were a woman, texting someone at that time of night is rude. She needs to get her priorities straight.

There is only one reason this guy is being ultra friendly and it isn't because she is so knowledgeable about construction. It's sad that your wife wants to come off as naive at her age.
 

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As a woman I'd expect that my guy would NOT be ok with this and would actually think less of him if he was.

Shutting it down tells your woman that you value her. A guy who is ok with another dude sniffing around sends the message that he doesn't value her enough to care.

I am not talking about couples that have an arrangement involving others, but clearly you don't have such an arrangement.
 

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What do you do? You kick her out of bed and tell her to go text her boyfriend from the couch which is where she'll be sleeping from now on.

Even if her so-called friend were a woman, texting someone at that time of night is rude. She needs to get her priorities straight.

There is only one reason this guy is being ultra friendly and it isn't because she is so knowledgeable about construction. It's sad that your wife wants to come off as naive at her age.
Right? It's insulting to one's intelligence for her to pretend she doesn't know what's going on.

I told my ex to save his bullshit for someone who buys it. That is applicable here as well.
 

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Do you have kids?

Regardless, I wouldn't have let this get started.

I would have divorce papers drawn up after getting advice from an attorney and researching what it would entail financially.

I would immediately stop sharing a bed with her and start separating everything possible from finances to social interaction.

I would also inform close family and friends as to the impending divorce and the reason.

I'm not very understanding that way about my wife having a boyfriend.

I would probably also have a man to man with butt breath and ask him if he was ready for me to move all her stuff to his place?

I never have to worry about this nonsense however because I'm exclusively monogamous and territorial.

You sir are not.

You might want to be but you haven't established yourself.

If you had, you would never find yourself in this situation.

Your wife has no respect for you and doesn't see you as strong or even effective.

She sees those traits in Mr. Construction worker.
 

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Your wife's losing weight was a red flag. She was doing this to become more attractive to other men. This EA may be the reason she lost weight in the first place. It may have already become physical. You cannot count the number of times that we have heard of online emotional affairs destroying marriages, in fact it is one of the highest red flags there are!!

You need to take action now! Here are some actions you should take immediately:

1.) Visit a lawyer. Find out what your rights are.

2.) In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You must set a tone with her. You need to become strong. You should consider this for what it is, an affair. You have to be willing to walk and she has to believe it.

3.) You should demand all passwords to emails, texts and phones. Demand complete transparency. There is no privacy in a marriage accept using the bathroom. If she refuses, she is hiding the affair.

4.) You sound like a nice guy. Nice guys finish last. Here is a link to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" PDF file. Its free as a PDF. Download and read it! No More Mr. Nice Guy! - PDF Free Download

5.) Do not do the pick-me-dance! Do not beg her. Do not try to reason with her. Do not cry in front of her. This only makes you appear weak in her eyes compared to Mr. Wonderful Stud-muffin. You must learn the "180" technique and do it religiously. Heres a link: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

6.) Get ready to expose the affair to work, family, & friends. Nothing breaks up an affair faster. Find out his name and check out the divorce claim, as these are often false. if he is married, contact his wife about what he is doing.

7.) If you want to know the real truth, you may need to get her to take a polygraph.

8.) People are drawn to confident, strong, courageous people who take decisive action.
Work on yourself to become that man.
 

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What do you do? You kick her out of bed and tell her to go text her boyfriend from the couch which is where she'll be sleeping from now on.

Even if her so-called friend were a woman, texting someone at that time of night is rude. She needs to get her priorities straight.

There is only one reason this guy is being ultra friendly and it isn't because she is so knowledgeable about construction. It's sad that your wife wants to come off as naive at her age.
Passivity has no place in a husband to his wife. End of story!
 

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If she won’t stop, consider doing what she does. That’s really the only way my wife ‘got it.’ Because if it’s OK for her, it’s OK for you.
Right?
Yeah....I wasn't going to say this, Because I generally don't advise tit for tat. With that said, when I first got out of my marriage. My first girlfriend was "insensitive" to my feelings about her male "friends". I am not the type to get all angry about it. I just made sure that I had "plans", for the next week or so. And I actually did make plans to hang out with ex-mistresses that I had when I was married, back then I was still friends with quite a few of them when I started dating her, and to them a separated me was better than a married me. After I showed I had other priorities, I noticed her facebook friend list dropped a bunch of fellas overnight, I also noticed the guy besties slowly started dissapearing. Some because her attitude changed, and others because they realized they were wasting their time. I never specifically asked for any of that. I just watched it unfold as a result of changes I made in my attitude about how I was going to approach it. In a situation like this you simply have to be ready to say them or me, and be perfectly fine with the outcome either way.
 

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