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First, I love my wife. We’ve been married for 3 years, together 4.

While we were dating, she said her life’s ambition was to be a Mom and homemaker. I was fine with that, I have a very high stress career, and I make more than enough to support a wife and kids. We have an 18 month old, and one on the way.

Ever since we were married, my wife does very little of anything. She makes dinner about once a month. The rest of the time, it’s eating out/take out/delivery. The house is in a perpetual state of chaos. Laundry/Dishes/Dust piles up and up if I don’t take care of it when I get home or on the weekends.

Whenever I have asked her why any of these things aren’t done, she gets very defensive and says she had an extremely busy day and didn’t get to it. Meanwhile, our dinner conversations are always about who was on “insert every daytime tv show here”, who posted what on Facebook, who she went to lunch with, or what she bought.

We have been so lucky with our daughter, she is a very easy child. My parents and/or sister babysit very often so my wife and I can have ‘date nights’, and when we get home after a few hours, the house is spotless, laundry done, and several meals in the freezer. I am so embarrassed, yet my wife’s reaction is “wow thanks, you should babysit more often!”

I have offered countless times to hire a nanny, a housekeeper, a laundry service, a professional organizer. She always responds “oh that’s my job honey, I’ll take care of it” but she never does. We’ve even put our daughter in daycare 2 full days a week, and the situation at home has not changed at all. Whenever she does completes a chore such as a load of laundry, she will go on and on about what a good ‘wifey’ she is.

I’ve realized that my wife is disorganized, lazy, spoiled, manipulative. She is a gentle, sensitive, non-confrontational person. She is a loving and nurturing mother. But I fear she is teaching my daughter these horrible traits, and that scares me to death. I’m at a loss.
 

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So I take it the bad qualities outweigh that of the good ones then?

I would imagine having a 18 month old and one on the way can be tiring. Perhaps shes depressed or simply checked out of the marriage. Sit down with her, have a heart ot heart ask her what you can do to lighten the load IF she feels she can't do it all. I mean surely bringing home the bacon isn't all you can do.
 

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Cut off the money.

Tell her you will pay her the same amount that you would for a housecleaner. And, when a housekeeper doesn't clean & do laundry... you wouldn't pay them.

Your children will pick up your wife's lackadaisical attitude toward house cleanliness. Take her to a couples counselor & discuss this openly with her infront of a third party. (If she refuses counselor, then a third party that she would be embarassed if they knew how much of a slob she is.)

Then express that you do not want your children to live with a mother that does not respect herself. Remind her that she said she wanted to be a housewife & mother. Okay, maybe she's not cut out for that (Believe me... I KNOW not all women are. As I sit here, my laundry is 7 loads behind, my kitchen has so many dirty dishes stacked that you can't see the counters.. and my living room hasn't been vacummed for about 3 weeks.)

However, if she is not cut out for it, you are willing to pay for a housekeeper.. and she needs to get a job!
 

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Whenever she does completes a chore such as a load of laundry, she will go on and on about what a good ‘wifey’ she is.

I’ve realized that my wife is disorganized, lazy, spoiled, manipulative. She is a gentle, sensitive, non-confrontational person. She is a loving and nurturing mother. But I fear she is teaching my daughter these horrible traits, and that scares me to death. I’m at a loss.
It sounds like she is looking for some appreciation and praise, when she goes on about what a good "wifey she is. People who do this, feel they are not being heard or do not feel appreciated for the things they do, do.

You fear she is teaching your daughter these horrible traits, maybe she fears you are teaching your daughter to be judgemental and critical. Just a guess.
 
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Something about this reminds of of a father/daughter relationship...you're seeing and pointing out what shes NOT doing, and the more you're on her, the more she probably
rebels or comes up with excuses.... And then she wants that praise she desires from you, when she does do something good in your eyes.

You say your wife is, disorganized, lazy, spoiled, and manipulative and fear she is teaching your daughter these traits... BUT maybe these other traits you mentioned, gentle, sensitive, loving and nurturing is what she is teaching her instead.

If your wife is not the woman you want her to be, what are doing to help her become that?
 

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First, I love my wife. We’ve been married for 3 years, together 4.

While we were dating, she said her life’s ambition was to be a Mom and homemaker. I was fine with that, I have a very high stress career, and I make more than enough to support a wife and kids. We have an 18 month old, and one on the way.

Ever since we were married, my wife does very little of anything. She makes dinner about once a month. The rest of the time, it’s eating out/take out/delivery. The house is in a perpetual state of chaos. Laundry/Dishes/Dust piles up and up if I don’t take care of it when I get home or on the weekends.

Whenever I have asked her why any of these things aren’t done, she gets very defensive and says she had an extremely busy day and didn’t get to it. Meanwhile, our dinner conversations are always about who was on “insert every daytime tv show here”, who posted what on Facebook, who she went to lunch with, or what she bought.

We have been so lucky with our daughter, she is a very easy child. My parents and/or sister babysit very often so my wife and I can have ‘date nights’, and when we get home after a few hours, the house is spotless, laundry done, and several meals in the freezer. I am so embarrassed, yet my wife’s reaction is “wow thanks, you should babysit more often!”

I have offered countless times to hire a nanny, a housekeeper, a laundry service, a professional organizer. She always responds “oh that’s my job honey, I’ll take care of it” but she never does. We’ve even put our daughter in daycare 2 full days a week, and the situation at home has not changed at all. Whenever she does completes a chore such as a load of laundry, she will go on and on about what a good ‘wifey’ she is.

I’ve realized that my wife is disorganized, lazy, spoiled, manipulative. She is a gentle, sensitive, non-confrontational person. She is a loving and nurturing mother. But I fear she is teaching my daughter these horrible traits, and that scares me to death. I’m at a loss.
I think she may be depressed - but only a doctor can dx properly.

You got what you wanted a "Mom & Homemaker" but you have different ideas about homemaking.

You love your wife so I will refrain from saying what I really think of your wife if she is not depressed.

Just hire a housekeeper & cook & your problems will be solved if your wife refuses to do what you want.
 

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I'd cut off the money so she can't go shopping or out to lunch. I'd cancel cable and the internet. That should free up some time for housework. ;)

I loathe entitled princesses and I know a few. I don't know why husbands put up with it.
 

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My DH kept wanting a maid and i always said i didnt want one. Finally he just got one. She has made my life 100% better. You do still have to clean though. But the maid does all the stuff i hate doing...mopping, dusting, sweeping, changing the sheets, cleaning the showers etc.
 

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Im not a neat and tidy type of person....i have to force myself to be that way. But my DH once told me that he works his @$$ off in $h*+ conditions and when he comes home its important to see what he has worked for. That really struck a chord With me.
 
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Well she doesn't realize this but if she would maybe write down things for the day to be done and then get them accomplished before turning on that TV she will feel so good and more motivated and will want to make a new list to tackle. I have fell into the lazy thing and it got worse and overwhelming and less and less got done. Once you just make yourself do it you will feel on top of the world...Hope you can somehow explain that to her, she just needs motivation :)
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Im not a neat and tidy type of person....i have to force myself to be that way. But my DH once told me that he works his @$$ off in $h*+ conditions and when he comes home its important to see what he has worked for. That really struck a chord With me.
This is exactly what I would say to the SAHP, whether it was the husband or the wife.

I can only assume you've never really told her, point blank, how all of this makes you feel? Tell her. Give her a list of chores that you think she should handle.

It's going to get worse - much much worse - once the new baby is born and she's got two kids to look after. If you don't figure this out now, prepare yourself for 100% more frustration than what you currently have.
 

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I grew up in a West Indian family. Women from that part of the world take great pride in being good cooks and housekeepers. Mothers teach their daughters these things and a lazy daughter who cannot "keep house" is a source of shame.

I worked as a nanny for one of these princess types and I had no respect for her whatsoever. It is probably cultural conditioning that made me disgusted with her laziness. This woman was home all day, yet she had a nanny AND a housekeeper. It's not like she was even studying or running a home business; all she ever did was sleep, eat and shop. I could hear her arguing with her husband about what a brat she was.

I am a college student who is unemployed. My job is to do well in my studies and work inside the home. Unless I am sick or have a health appointment, my husband comes home to dinner, kisses and clean laundry. I have to pull my weight somehow!

My husband is very generous and diplomatic with his earnings; what's his is mine. He is kind enough to send me to school and support me without complaining; the least I can do is give the man clean surroundings and good food. I love the way my husband does not make me feel as if my opinions don't matter because of the income disparity. He also shows appreciation by complimenting everything I do for him.

Marriage is about give and take.
 

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Note: im not a stay at home but im pretty much just part time right now. So a half stay at home i suppose.

Also, my DH and i realized early on that our versions of "clean" are way different. Maybe to her the house is clean. Try sitting down and specifically and explicitly stating what you need from her.
 

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Be careful, she might think you are being too demanding and controlling. Watch how you talk to her about this. Ask her questions, deep questions about how she's been feeling and why she hasn't felt the need to do more.
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I think it'd be better not to turn this into a power struggle, which is what will come of many of the approaches suggested here. As CantSitStill said, she is likely to perceive you as controlling and demanding if you try to hold her to your standards.

I'm guessing you married her because of the gentleness and nurturing parts rather than because you expected her to be a housekeeper, so I'll tell you a little about what I've experienced and make what I hope will be a helpful suggestion...

I'm not a good housekeeper by any stretch of the imagination. It has wreaked havoc in past relationships, even though I always worked as many or more hours than my partner. I had a lot of resentment over it, which only made matters worse. But the bottom line issue is that I am easily distracted and have a high tolerance for clutter. So while I found it important to keep a clean kitchen and bathroom, I never made beds, usually had piles of laundry waiting to be done, and almost never swept, vacuumed, dusted, etc. I did not even PERCEIVE the need for those things because it just looked "normal" to me.

That is, until I did hire a housekeeper. She only came twice a month, but I felt motivated to keep it clean and so I did more than I had done before, though not enough that it stayed as clean as the days she worked!

I would encourage you to override her objections and say something like, "I know how important it is for you to watch your programs, so I'm hiring a helper as a gift to you and to myself, because it's important to me to see a nice home so I remember why I'm working so hard in the first place." This will let her know that she's not fooling you with her excuses in a blame-free way, remind her that you DO love her, and hopefully she'll get motivated to do more if you praise the way the house looks when it's nice. (I felt TRULY unappreciated when I cleaned, only to have it messy the next day because people wouldn't wipe after themselves, etc. and didn't even bother to notice what I did do, although they were quick enough to complain!)
 

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She apparently thinks she is keeping the house clean. Personally, I can't stand a dirty house. I work full time and still clean the entire house. I get tired of hearing about spoiled brats who don't work and don't clean.

I would tell her how important it is for you to come home to a clean home and a good meal. If she says she doesnt have time, explain to her that she sounds like she has plenty of time to do what she wants to. If she gets defensive, maybe you should ask if she would rather work some since she doesn't seem to like housekeeping.

I guess I don't have a lot of sympathy because I spend evenings and weekends cleaning and work all week. Everyone needs to pull their weight.
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I guess poor people actually have to look after their own kids and clean where they live. :rolleyes: Imagine!

Since you have already mentioned that you think your wife is very lazy, how do you think a housekeeper will make her more domestically inclined? She'll have someone to clean up her messes and take care of the cooking. I would think that hiring help would just add to the laziness.

I know many many SAHM's who do not have help. They look after babies, keep the house clean and cook.

Husbands and wives who stay at home are responsible for domestic tasks. It is only fair. Just like asking for domestic work to be completed can be viewed as controlling, not having a job while doing nothing around the house is taking advantage of the working spouse!
 

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If you are in a high stress job, perhaps its time to take a little time off, a week maybe? While you're home with her, see what she does or doesn't do. Whatever she doesn't do show her how you want it to be. If she just doesn't get it after you go back to work and she still isn't pulling her weight, then present her with separation papers. Tell her shes not fitting the ideal image you had in your head about what a wife should be doing. I mean after all, life is to short to not have a clean house.
 
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ugg hate when I have spend hours cleaning and having everything just so only to have the kids leave freakin trails of crumbs all over the kitchen, it is frustrating. Anyway, I keep a clean house yet never get around to the deep cleaning like my closets, under the bed..all that crap is hidden so I tend to blow it off. The good thing is I don't like to cook but hubby doesn't mind that I only cook twice a week. He just don't care about it much but he does want the house clean daily.
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