She sounds like she might be depressed. I'd have a heart to heart talk with her, ask her if there's something troubling her, but be prepared for the same responses ''my job is stressful,' etc. I'd ask her if she wants to join something together, maybe a cooking class, or exercise class that gets you both out of the house. But, she sounds like she might need help for something that seems like depression. That's not an easy conversation to have, but in a relationship, you should be able to have those types of tough talks, and let her know...without blaming her, that's affecting the marriage. Good luck...

 

Thanks for the quick reply.

I've already been through asking her if she wants to do some activities. I suggested a dancing class, cooking class, zumba, even going on a double-date with one of her friends and her husband. I try to be supportive and sensitive to what's going on with her but she needs to realize that's a two-way street. And she is typically "in a good mood" as she describes it, but just doesn't want to be more active. She's always willing to leave me at home all day and go visit her mom, no problem (that's where she is currently btw).

And that's not even mentioning the financial aspect... on average, I make more than twice what she makes but she outspends me by a massive amount. Scrapbooking, going out with friends, random shopping, always wanting to plan a trip somewhere. Meanwhile, at my previous position I would buy lunch daily and get gas weekly. That's it. Now I don't even have to do that because my new position gives free meals and has transportation to/from work. I don't really like to spend money and would rather save/invest it. I literally started from nothing. No one from my family gave me anything and I've built myself up to not live paycheck to paycheck. Then she comes along and suddenly my finances hit a plateau. There are a ton of empty promises about saving money and stuff, but nothing has ever changed. I'm actually the one who is depressed when you combine my health situation, financial plateau'ing, and not seeing any change in the far or near future.

 

Thanks for the quick reply.

I've already been through asking her if she wants to do some activities. I suggested a dancing class, cooking class, zumba, even going on a double-date with one of her friends and her husband. I try to be supportive and sensitive to what's going on with her but she needs to realize that's a two-way street. And she is typically "in a good mood" as she describes it, but just doesn't want to be more active. She's always willing to leave me at home all day and go visit her mom, no problem (that's where she is currently btw).

It sounds like you have several issues, but I would like to address the lack of activity part. Don't jump to a conclusion that she is depressed just because she doesn't want to be more active. Some people just aren't "activity" people, and the rest of the world doesn't understand.

I'm a teacher, and it can be very exhausting. I've also done other jobs to which i can compare: I've worked in a lumber yard, worked in a factory, farm work, and construction work. I will have to say, teaching is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. It's difficult to explain. On the surface, I know it doesn't always look like much from those on the outside looking in, but believe me, it is.

In addition, a lot of teachers I know, including myself, get enough activity and people while they are at school. The last thing i want is another list of activities once I'm done. I'm quit the tv watcher and peace and quiet lover myself. Even if I were not a teacher, I'm not an activity person anyway.

I know this doesn't solve anything for you, but my point is, just don't automatically think she is depressed because she isn't an activity person, or that she's the only normal person in the world like that. I'm happiest when I'm just enjoying peace and quiet, and I can assure you, I am not depressed.

I always dread the question from everyone when summer break rolls around, "What are you doing this summer," as if i had to have big plans. Actually, I'm probably just going to enjoy peace and quiet and do as little as possible.

 

Looks like you two are not compatible. When you are dating, you want to please one another and just enjoy each others company wherever that may be.

Now that you are married, you realize that you two are very different. You say there are other things too. That is what makes me think about the incompatibility advice.

You need to communicate and see if you can become more compatible, if you can't...then decisions need to be made.

You have health issues that she doesn't pay attention to. Maybe she is not a good care giver. You gotta think about that too.

 

I agree with Bibi... You two are incompatible. You're active, she's a sloth. You're a saver, she's a spender. You crave together time, she wants to watch TV.

Any kids?

If not, it might be time to start thinking about parting ways.

By the way, how is your sex life? (I'm guessing that's not hitting on all eight either.)
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Now that you've given further details, sounds like she does go out, just doesn't want to spend the time with you, out of the house. I think it might be time to figure out plan B, because it sounds like she enjoys spending your money, and going out with friends, but not much together time. Hope things get better, and if you find yourself needing to separate, hope you find peace in your life.

 

Was she ever an outdoorsy, active person? If she wasn't, despite the walks after dinner that you used to, she's not likely to start now.

Stress...yes, that can make some people want to sit on the couch for three hours, zoning out to give their brains a rest and to recharge. Some people are introverts who need to recharge by themselves because other people drain their energy. For me, a classroom full of children all day would make me need to zone out for hours - first graders are DRAINING. If your wife is an introvert, then you really, really need to accept that she isn't being lazy, and isn't rejecting time with you, but needs time alone (in her room zoning out to tv) to recharge. Just like you need to run around outside to recharge, she needs what she needs. I'm not saying stop trying to find something you can do together, but stop being judgmental about what she does need to do for her peace of mind.

If she does things with other people, but doesn't want to do anything with you, then that points to larger issues you have in your relationship. Not wanting to do anything could be a symptom that she is feeling disconnected from your marriage and from you. She would need to acknowledge that first before you can do anything to rebuild together.

 

If anything, I am an introvert and she is an extrovert. She's very social in general while I like to keep to myself most of the time. And I agree with how teaching first grade can be draining, but she only has THREE kids in her class. It's not like she's running around chasing 15 kids all day.

 

Did you marry my wife? Yes, depression is very common with teachers. Get her checked for that.

So she DOES do stuff - Scrapbooking, going out with friends, random shopping, always wanting to plan a trip somewhere - just not the stuff YOU want her to do. That sounds slightly controlling IMO.

First thing. Stop the freaking yelling. BTDT. It does not work and just will make your marriage MUCH worse even if you do not see it.

Next, read "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a MUST for you. You can order the paper book or download it to kindle app. A quick alternative, not as good but free, is to visit the 5LL website and take the quiz. You and your wife do it. It's free. Better, there is a 5 Love Languages app in Apple or Google store. Download the app for free and take the quiz. Each of you. You WILL learn something. Sound like she needs Quality Time. You will learn to understand what that means.

Do this TODAY.

Next work on a budget in which some money each month will be send to an account that she can use without inference from you.

My spouse is very ill with chronic disease and needs a transplant. I am not coping with that at all. How is YOUR WIFE coping with your illness? She might not be. Even though YOU are the one with the illness, SHE might NOT be coping. Think about that. She might feel that life is short and why hoard money just to die without living. That is a concept my family has been debating for years.

Good luck and stay posting here. You can make this work. Stop being controlling like I am.

 

@phazari - I'm sorry I haven't read all posts, but would she be okay if you joined something like a bike club? So 2 times a week you come home, change, then hit the street with them for 1.5 - hours? And weekends you might have longer rides or train hills earlier in the day. It's physically challenging and low impact exercise, except when you impact the street. Then you share the rest of the evening or weekend day together in your routine! Is that a possible compromise?

 

I used to be a teacher. It truly is exhausting to be with students all day. No wonder she just wants to eat out and then rest. I was the same.

But I loved being with my husband. Couldn't wait to get home and see him everyday.

Probably because he was so nurturing, phazari.

 

Are you on a transplant lists and is your disease progressing?

What was your relationship like before marriage and did you know early on in the relationship that you had CKD.

The financial part is easy. Take control of the finances. Cut up store credit cards and use Visa or Matercard. Keep card in safe place and use for big purchases. Everything else, cash.

Have savings taken out of your pay automatically. If you have a job that provides door to door service then you have access to good financial services.
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Outside of reading and language, there is a reason homework doesn't start until Grade 3... have you seen the energy it takes to manage a K-2 classroom?

It's nuts... out of all the grade levels, these people are the ones that get my compassion and patience.

Her spending habits are another issue... a mask to make up for something else.

May I ask what age in life the two of you are?

You mentioned your health, that is a tough thing to deal with but you seem quite disciplined so kudos to you, how is her's and has she expressed any fears over yours??

What does she do for fun when she is not in her 180 day contract (outside of spending and scrapbooking?)

I have seen disconnect as a defense mechanism, you place it there to protect you from the pain of loss or potential loss, it's a hard thing to overcome without counseling should it be along these lines. Compound that with exhaustion from her day and depression has a foothold.

Her district would have access to an EAP program if they are worth their salt... would she be willing to look into it?

 

This sounds just like Mrs.CuddleBug and I.

I like to get things done, go out, landscape our area, upgrades, etc. She would rather talk on the phone, eat snacks, watch tv and nap.

Reason for Mrs.CuddleBug, is her job is very demanding and stressful at times and she doesn't leave work at work.

So she'd rather chill at home and do as little as possible, so her time off lasts. I can understand that.

So, what I do is, she cuddles on me and falls asleep. I then get up and she has the warm couch. I do things around our place and she gets up a few hours later. Doesn't bother me anymore.

Some people are very energetic and always have to go out and do things and some people are more chill and relax.

 

When it comes to happiness, there is a fine line in stimulation... over or under seems to hit the same threshold on both sides of the pendulum.

You say you are an introvert, yet you suggested a dancing class, cooking class, zumba, even going on a double-date with one of her friends and her husband, sounds like she is the introvert, not you?

I see three areas that bother you: 1) Financial responsibility, 2) Motivation, 3) Involvement

Financial responsibility you can immediately do something about, you really do not sound like you need me to tell you your finances and boundaries.

Motivation is often linked to self-perception, show her you are willing to feed yourself healthy activities and share them enthusiastically with her when you return so she can see the excitement, from there it is up to her to take in YOUR motivation and perchance be attracted to it... or not, especially since you cannot control that which you dislike in her behavior at the moment.

Compatibility is not a magical happening... it is often grown, but the ground does need to be fertile to take a healthy root so it can weather dry periods.

 

First, sorry for some truth. You have a serious illness and she helps to take care of you. and that is something for which you should be grateful. First, I think she is entitled to some kind words (I will express my admiration for your fortitude.).

I think you should realize she is a nice person, and she has some habits. Compliment her, suggest some interesting events, keep working on walking, and be happy where you are. And if your illness generates some of the anger, recognize that and it should not be directed to her.

 

I'd say try having kids of your own that you literally cannot get away from. It's not like school where you know those kids go home eventually. Your kids are your kids and you HAVE to get off your arse and do activities.
Yeah, tell her to think about that.

Lol, I'm sorry. I'm totally just kidding.

If this is really bothering you though, you should get out and do things on your own. No reason to bore yourself into misery just because she doesn't feel like doing anything. [emoji4]
Who knows, maybe she'll join ya eventually.

 

I've tried everything... leading by example, suggesting changes, yelling at her, forcing her to stay home while I go grocery shopping (because she'll buy a lot of stupid crap that isn't necessary), speaking with her honestly. Nothing freaking changes.

And here's the kicker: I have chronic kidney failure (kidneys working at less than 10% capacity), so I have to adhere to a strict diet and keep my weight down because my nightly dialysis makes me gain 80-120 calories every 24 hours. She knows this and still this behavior continues.

@ phazari

Was she this way when you married her? If not, can you tell when the change started happening? Maybe that would give you a little insight to what is driving it. However, regardless of the reason, you need to realize that you can not change her. And I think if she was like this before you married, then you may have married wrong.

During the week, I really don't want to do much. Work is stressful and I'm tired when I get home. I want to make dinner and watch TV. Maybe do some reading. The weekends, though, I want to do things. I have to do things otherwise, I get down. There still has to be a balance. I'll want to do the movies and do some shopping on Saturday, then on Sunday is 'relax' day. I'll work on a house project on Sunday but Saturday is 'relax' day. Maybe you should work out some sort of arrangement like that. Compromise with her.

As for the medical issue, I think you need to really call her out on that. You need to tell her what you need from her, which is support. Then give her some examples of what that support exactly means to you.

Good luck. I think it's really easy to fall into a rut and without knowing your wife's history, this could be all it is.

 

OP, has she always been like this?

I knew from the get go that my wife didn't like all my hobbies (or most of my friends)

Hunting, camping, snowboarding, hockey, etc...

I took her a couple of times and she hated it or was bored to death. So, eventually she stopped wanting to go and I didn't have to worry about keeping her happy and she knew I would have a better time without her there complaining.

I stopped for a while when the kids were little but in the past 4 years have been picking up going hunting and camping again. Her idea of camping is at a cabin with electricity, hot running water, etc...

Giving her a shovel and TP and pointing to a tree, I don't think I would like to see the face she would give me....

 

I.

I've tried everything....

My main question is: what do I do??

Cancel your Internet and Television connection at home (and save a boatload of money each month). Then go out and do something each evening...even if it is only a walk into town

 

Uh, get together with male buddies. Do things with them. Biking, boating, hiking, golf, fishing, skiing, shooting, [Sky Diving!], motorcycling, playing cards. Do the barby-thing in the backyard, monthly.

My wife is like yours....not as bad...but close. She has had long term health issues that limit strenuous activity. She likes to travel. Her spending gets out of hand when she sees something for the grandkids, which is often..no problem!

She does complain about me doing things without her. My answer? "Come with us".

Take the rash of push-back poop and get out there and enjoy your short life. With your kidney issues, you may not get a second-wind in old age. You cannot please her and yourself. Please the 50% that is you.

Within reason, of course!

 

You and wife have different temperaments. Read up on the four: sanguine, choleric, melancholy and phlegmatic. I was reading yesterday and the example the author used was "Her husband (meaning you) feels as if he's married the most boring person on earth. He begs and pleads for her to do something with him - like take out their mountain bikes for a ride." Fits you to a T.

 

@phazari

Sigh, I'm dating a first grade teacher. Have you sat down and let her vent to you her frustration with being a teacher. It is quite an eye opener, take the stress of parenting twelve 5 year olds, and then limit the amount and method of discipline that parents wield. It's incredibly stressful, and underpayed for the amount of education required to fulfill the job.

Kids will bite, hit, scratch, cuss out and spit on teachers, and the teachers cannot do a damn thing about it, except tell the parents. They make less than a part time babysitter that watches 1/4 as many children on when I want basis.

I don't blame her for wanting to shut down after work and on the weekends.

It may help if you plan things well over a week in advance so that she has a day or two to emotionally/physically prepare for outdoor activities.

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I don't believe that your wife is boring per se. She is boring to you. I would venture that perhaps you are boring to her.

The two of you are incompatible, it appears.

I teach privately and have several very intensive one-on-one sessions per day. It is exhausting, to be sure. I am more drained after 3 hours of this than I was in a FT office job at a tech firm. That being said, my husband and I actually find things to do together. It wasn't hard to hit on a few things that we could actually enjoy together even though our interests don't often intersect.

You two aren't compatible in daily life and you are losing respect for her as a result. You see her as a boring slug, which is a certain bias, but nonetheless what your honest reaction is. She may well not have the most flattering view of you given that she most likely feels your judgment.

 

I don't believe that your wife is boring per se. She is boring to you. I would venture that perhaps you are boring to her.

Very good way to phrase it. After all, boring is not defined by a physical activity, it's a state of mind. Activities that appear to have the characteristics of "exciting" can be boring to those who don't want to do them.

There was a lady i worked with once who administered assessments. She was very good at her job. She was laid back and one day she said, "All these peppy people bore me to tears." I thought that was hilarious, and i could relate at the same time.

 

First, definitely read The 5 Love Languages. Second, read His Needs Her Needs. You can read these while she's watching tv.

Third, share with her what you're learning in the books. Not as a 'you should be doing this' thing, but rather a 'hey, look at what I just found out' thing. Get on the same team. Your resentments are clouding your judgment and most likely stinking up the room when you're around her.

Fourth, take stock on what your temperament is around her. If you've yelled at her even once, you became unsafe and she pulled her connection from you.

Fifth, take a new look at your finances. Work up a new arrangement and present it to her, where 10% - 20% of y'all's income is going directly into short- and long-term savings accounts, BEFORE the bills are paid and 'stuff' is bought. This should be nonnegotiable. Take her to an Edward Jones office or something, so she is on the same team.

Sixth, once you read the books, start implementing what you learn. I suspect once you learn about Emotional Needs and Love Busters, you're going to start recognizing what you do (Love Busters) that makes her pull away from you and toward her friends, tv, and shopping.

Bottom line, you can't change her. But you CAN change what YOU do that will make her WANT to change to meet up with you.

 

OP has been AWOL for about two weeks.

 

I am ending a 24 year marriage, partly, for the same reason. My husband was never the ideas guy even when we were dating. I am the active one.....love to hike, explore new things, try new thing and husband was content to stay at home and play solitaire or do crossword puzzles. I spent 27 years trying to get my husband involved in the marriage and involved with me and nothing I did seemed to make a difference. I thought maybe I was too busy and that I should just back off and see if he would show an interest in anything to do together, never happened. Life has felt very lonely and the relationship had seemed very one-sided, not something I ever wanted and have finally grown tired of. So I am leaving and he can continue to sit and do his crossword puzzles but I am going to put on a pair of cowboy boots and go dancing!!!!

 

I'm curious, what made you want to marry him if you knew this in the beginning, and how did you manage to stay 27 years if it wasn't what you wanted. I assume there was a powerful attraction otherwise that you thought would overshadow his lack of desire for activities.

Are there other issues leading to the divorce? This goes along with my thread about deal breakers. This is one that to the outside looking in sems a bit tame; he didn't cheat or abuse you, but he's boring.