We spend approximately 2 hours a day together where we are either taking our dogs for a walk, or reading in the same room. We do not have TV. Some weekends we go on hikes together.
This is much less time together than earlier in or marriage. We used to ski together, go out to dinner, go see shows. Now our time together is pretty dull.
We do not have much conversation together like we used to.
I have a lot of resentment built up, and I am sure my wife does too. I find it hard to be affectionate with her since I am very upset at her lack of partnership and taking on some responsibility in our partnership (financial, keeping track of things, planning together). This is an old pattern of mine I have with her and although I know it is not healthy, I seem to revert back to it when she reneges on agreements made.
Instead of discussing things when boundaries are crossed, we both seem to become passive aggressive, or "guilt trip". I tend not to bring up problems or concerns since she has a tendency to get extremely defensive (in a verbally abusive manner). We have tried to work on this together with marriage counselor's and that helped for a while, however this dynamic is still present.
I have so much resentment built up inside me, and I do not talk about it with her, so it builds, and then I shut down affection and attention (immature on my part....). My resentment is mostly due to her not respecting agreements on partnership that we worked out in the past.
For example, our marriage counselor had to strongly recommend to my wife that she contribute some financial support to our monthly expenses, and that I should not have to ask for that. The pattern has been that my wife will start to do automatic bank transfers, then stop them, without telling me. I find out months later (since I am not on top of the finances as much as I should be). Now that I am not working, this is a more important issue.
Her frequent and extended trips back home to see her sisters and father were also an issue that we worked out so that she would balance these trips with some vacation time together. Each year though she ends up spending more time away from home, with her sisters, and less time doing vacations together with me. The first 7 years of our 15 year marriage we would go on trips together at least once a month (usually weekend camping trips). Now we never go together.
Earlier this year she spent 2 months continuously away, helping her father organize his estate and house, as he is aging. During that time I noticed on our phone bill that she had been calling old boyfriends. This concerned me since I had no idea what was really going on, and she was away from home and around them. I called her out on this and she did not have much to say, although she was mad I brought it up and seemed to be acting guilty. Her phone calls with them ended for 5 months or so. Now I notice them again. It is pretty obvious for me to see these since I get the monthly bills of phone and text messages.
I took your advice and I am about 1/2 through the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Thank you for recommending this book. It makes a lot of sense and helps explain how marriages can go awry.
I notice that she is frequently texting an ex boyfriend of her sister, who is unmarried father of my wife's nephew (and the unmarried father of two other sons with two other women). Reading "His Needs, Her Needs", makes me really question if now she is having an affair with him, or about to. Should I ask her directly about this now? ( I will hopefully finish this book today).
These problems have been going on for a long time now. I see that my needs are not being met { lack of partnership (family commitment), lack of openness and honesty, financial support, sexual fulfillment (she sleeps in the other room), physical attractiveness, recreational companionship.}. Gee, looks like the "train is already wrecked".
This past few weeks things really hit me hard when she announced that (1) she needed to spend time with her sister while her nephew was having surgery, (2) telling, versus discussing together, that she was going to go be with her sister during the time of the surgery and come back home on Dec 24 for Christmas -- (fine with me), however, then changing this to be that she needed to be away with her sister (??) over Christmas, (3) resisting my attempts to try and come be with her and her sisters during this time. ( I was told that it would complicate things too much by me being there while all the chaos of the surgery and recovery was going on).
My wife and I talked about it and I told her how much it hurt me that my wife chose not to be with her husband over Christmas and that it upset me. After that she started to really "back pedal", she bought a little Christmas tree for me to have at home, offered that we celebrate before she left. She apologized for the way that she handled this, and it seemed somewhat genuine, albeit reactive. I told her I was hurt about how things were done and how I felt not included. I think she was feeling very guilty. I am very confused though.
My gut instinct is usually right and I tend to act on it. It tells me that she has withdrawn, her needs were not being met (by my poor way of handling the resentment and lack of progress I needed to see). I am now wondering if it is really worthwhile going on with her, or just moving on.
My "quick reply" has turned into a dissertation, my apologies for the diatribe. I appreciate everyone's comments and perspectives.
