[block0456]

Please excuse me in advance for any confusion this lengthy read may induce. I'm just throwing it all out there...:

My wife and I celebrated the birth of our first child a month and a half ago. Times have been tough for us. She takes care of the baby during the day and also takes online college courses. Until last month I had been unemployed for the better part of 5 months. A month after our son was born we had to cut our losses and move into my parent's house(I'm 25 and she's 21, so it's not uncommon for things like this to happen to kids our age). That's where we stand now.

When I started this job I made my wife fully aware that I would be working ALOT in order for us to make ends meet and eventually get back out on our own. I explained everything about the job and it's perks(good money) and not-so-great aspects(LOTS of hours; 7 12's during turnarounds and nights at times) to her. And she said that she'd be fine with all of it.

Since the birth of our kid all she's been doing is parenting during the day and sitting around at night(The Dr. cleared her for activity a couple of weeks ago). So this period of stagnant life really took a toll on her. I take her out every now and then to try and ease the monotony, but to no avail.

Lately, I've been working said 7-12's and have been unable to really spend as much time as I want to with my family. She gets to thinking a lot during the day about herself and us. She sends me these texts asking a bunch of questions of me like, "Do you still love me?", "How much?", and the like... She also sends things like, "I feel worthless.", "I hate myself, all I want to do is starve and workout until I'm super skinny." I respond with the honest to goodness truth. I tell her how much I do love her. I tell her how that without her, this family is nothing. She's the glue that holds it together. She couldn't be anything further from worthless. I tell her that I don't care what she looks like so long as she's happy... But I want her to get to where she wants to be physically responsibly. She also can't trust me for **** anymore. She always says she feels like I'm gonna cheat(I'd never do that in a million years, I love this woman with everything I have), want to leave her, and just be happier elsewhere(I'm not gonna lie, things are tough for the both of us. I get frustrated at times but I never lose my **** and go nuts). I feel like I've told her all the things in good faith that I can tell her. Her attitude is taking a real toll on me. I feel like I can't make her happy. IT SUCKS.

All I'm looking for is some perspective. Either from a lady who has been through something similar or a guy who has found a way to remedy a similar situation. I feel like as soon as she starts getting out and doing things for herself again she'll level out(I tell her to get out, go workout, have some her time when I get home, but she rarely does). But I'm no psychologist and have no experience whatsoever with any of this. Thanks in advance for any help.

 

[waiwera]

Congratulations on your new baby.

Sorry your both going through this.... the first 3 months with a new baby are incredibly tiring and stressful I'm sure that's having an impact but she sounds really depressed to me.

Has she had depression before?

Exercise, sleep/relaxation and eating well are often the best first steps to improving your mental health... how is she doing in those areas?

She may need to see a doctor just to make sure she's not in need of counselling or meds... although I'd like to think the meds were a last resort.

Just wanted to add... we have 3 sons and i was very needy after their births. I hated his long work hours and felt really lonely.

While intellectually your wife no doubt understands you need to be working and earning money in her heart she just wants you home with her and the baby.

Good on you for keeping your cool with her... she needs you to strong right now but you can't 'make her happy' that's her responsibility, it can only come from within her.

 

[block0456]

Thanks.

As for past depression problems, I dont think shes ever been depressed per say. She has some self esteem issues at times, but depressed is an adjective ive never thought appropriate for her mindset. As I said, shes slowly getting back into exercising on a regular basis. She rests throughout all hours of the day/night when she can. And as far as I know she eats well enough. She wants to start linig out a new diet for herself(and me... Sympathy belly, LOL). So that should keep her occupied.

Its weird, she texted me a bunch of negative stuff yesterday during the day, but once I got home she seemed fine. She went out to eat with my mother and my sister for her birthday when I got home. When she got back everything was cool. Shes very up and down. Up when Im around and down when Im out(i guess thatd be obvious).

Id think a trip to the doc is premature right now. But one never knows really. I guess time will tell the story.
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[waiwera]

Hopefully it's just wonky hormones after having the baby...if so it should settle down by the time baby is about 3 month old. About the same time I think 1st time parents get over the whole 'baby shock'... parenting isn't always what we think it's going to be... it may be better or worse....but we never know what to expect until baby arrives.

The reason I mentioned depression was postpartum depression is more common than you may realize. It's is very worrying to hear a young mum saying she feels worthless, that she hates herself and wants to starve herself... that's not happy mental health talk in anyones book.

All the best.

 

[lost inside]

All of this sounds very normal for having a new born baby. A woman's hormones are really out of balance during and after pregancy. It can take up to a year for a female body to completely recover from a pregnancy. My father is a OB so I've heard a lot about this as well that I have two small children of my own. Her emotional up and downs maybe be overwhelming but stay the course you are on. You are doing what is right and being there for her and your child. Look at it that now is your turn to be strong and carry the weight for the time being. She's very vaunerable right now and just needs you to be there. She needs to hear everything you have been telling her even if it's 10 times a day. A baby is a lot of work and she is very young so I'm sure that there is a feeling of loss for her. Things will get better and it sounds like you are already on the right path. Congrats on the baby and hang in there

 

[ShawnD]

My wife and I celebrated the birth of our first child a month and a half ago.
....
She sends me these texts asking a bunch of questions of me like, "Do you still love me?", "How much?", and the like... She also sends things like, "I feel worthless.", "I hate myself, all I want to do is starve and workout until I'm super skinny." I respond with the honest to goodness truth. I tell her how much I do love her. I tell her how that without her, this family is nothing. She's the glue that holds it together. She couldn't be anything further from worthless. I tell her that I don't care what she looks like so long as she's happy... But I want her to get to where she wants to be physically responsibly. She also can't trust me for **** anymore. She always says she feels like I'm gonna cheat(I'd never do that in a million years, I love this woman with everything I have), want to leave her, and just be happier elsewhere(I'm not gonna lie, things are tough for the both of us. I get frustrated at times but I never lose my **** and go nuts). I feel like I've told her all the things in good faith that I can tell her. Her attitude is taking a real toll on me. I feel like I can't make her happy. IT SUCKS.

She's depressed. Postpartum depression can last as long as a year, so don't expect things to magically change any time soon. Go to a doctor and get some drugs for this. I would recommend trying fluoxetine (prozac) first because it's no longer patented, and it's the least addictive because it has an incredibly long half-life.

Don't let the doctor upsell some new patented drug. The older drugs are often more effective because the big breakthroughs were discovered first. Now, drug companies are really scraping the bottom of the barrel to get new patents. They start to patent the old drug's active metabolite, or they try to patent a certain chirality of it (like patenting left gloves when you can no longer patent sets of left and right gloves). Example: Celexa was a mixture of left and right hand versions of citalopram. After the patent expired, that same company created a new patent for just the left rotation of citalopram, called S-citalopram or escitalopram, and they called that drug Lexapro. Same drug, same efficacy, costs 10x as much due to patent. Use the old non-patented drugs to avoid getting scammed.

All I'm looking for is some perspective. Either from a lady who has been through something similar or a guy who has found a way to remedy a similar situation.

My mom had postpartum depression and she took fluoxetine to fix it. She had to stop the treatment early because it cause GI problems. If your wife experiences GI problems, the solution is to chew the pills instead of swallowing them whole. The idea is that all or most of the drug will be absorbed in the stomach, and it never reaches the large intestines. Diarrhea is the body's way of flushing out things that shouldn't be there (drugs, hot sauce, viruses, bacteria). If the drug never gets as far as the intestines, diarrhea will not happen.