[PKKKLK]

Despite the thread title my wife is not entirely lazy but overall she doesn't do much house work.

I have seen other women with 2 or 3 kids and they manage to keep a clean house. There is always a pile of clothes that hasn't been sorted, she often sleeps into 8 or 9 in the morning then she showers for about 1 hour and by the time she is dressed it is sometimes midday. She doesn't drive, she's not that interested in sex, she doesn't clean the house, she's an unimaginative and pretty bad cook to name several things.Even though I only get dinner. Not only that but she complains about not having a clothes dryer and dish washer. I guess with those items she gets to do even less.
Did I marry a dud?
She's not a bad or nasty person but I just can't get her motivated to do anything.
I blame the way she was raised and never taught responsibility.
I just don't want our daughter to turn out the same.


I work for myself and study part time at Univeristy, pay the bills and I swear she thinks that money will always be at her disposal and grows on trees.
I don't mind she doesn't work because she takes care of our three year old daughter. I know raising a child is a full time job but before we had her my wife still didn't find time to do much around the house. The house is always dirty, she leaves expired food in the fridge, she rarely ever cleans and if I ever attempt to bring any of this up in a nice way she gets the $hits and gets all defensive. The shower is always filthy etc etc. I could go on forever here!
I do love her but I get so frustrated and she thinks because we are reasonable comfortable (not rich) that she is better than everybody else. I have my faults but I am my own worst critic and am always looking at ways to be a better person and to improve myself (hence the uni studies)
I often play with my daughter and often take her to the park to play. My wife never does any of these things. If there is a piece of rubbish on the floor she will just keep walking past it. I will pick it up as I walk past and put it in the bin. She's often grumpy meaning when she is in a happy mood I lap as much of it up as I can because she is fun to be around when she is happy. However, she has no interests and no hobbies. She admits she is boring. I know this sounds terrible but the only worthwhile thing she has ever contributed to was to bring our daugher into the world and she almost screwed that up to.
I guess I just have to live with this but it drives me crazy.
Some may criticize me for not doing jobs around the house. Well, I earn the money, am going to University to improve all our lives and do all the outside jobs.

 

[Skyye]

Hi Pkklk! I just signed on today and yours was the first post I read, I can see your situation being bery frustrating. I had a few thoughts though. I am not a doctor but do work in the medical field.

It sounds to me like she has depression, every point you made can be traced to that. As you are probably aware depression doesn't have to look sad or obvious of course, it can be moody, not cleaning, lack of desire to do activities with children/pets, lack of libido.

Another very common thing in women too, which I have had and suffered a few of the points you made, is low iron, I had lack of desire to do anything, the doctor didn't know how I made it to work in the morning. lol This is very underdiagnosed, or they will say, your iron is a bit low, lets get that up, but they forget to tell you (well in my friends case) that "you better get on that iron, this could effect your marriage, no libido, no drive, grumpy etc..." Fortunately I knew this story before I became anaemic.

I am going thru what you have stated above right now with my husband and really feel for you. Slightly different story but...

Good luck!

 

[kipani]

I used to be like that PKK. I have a heart murmur after the children and anemia. WHen I get my monthly visitor, I can hardly leave the bed. I am always tired. When I remember to take my pills, I feel better for a bit. Sometimes the house is absolutely disgusting. For the most part I keep it tidy. I have 2 children, a 4yr old and an almost 2 year old girl. Haven't taken them to the park in months because I'm so tired.

Leaving trash on the ground when she walks past it though.. That's gross. She sounds like she has an entitlement issue.

She is a full time maid and nanny. Might as well be a good one! I'm decent at it. OH! and have her avoid fast foods.. They really take it out of you. Make me way more tired than usual..

 

[searaydave]

I am in a similar situation. What I have found is that some of it can be attributed to lack of energy (low iron, birth control pills, depression) but a lot of it is due to poor upbringing. Look at her mother and how she keeps house.

With my situation, both my girls are now 'lazy' and pigs....walking past garbage on the floor, actually throwing gargage on the floor, making messes and not cleaning them up. It has now gotten to the point where no one can keep up with the messes.

This type of enviroment can cause someone to stray from the marriage (as it did for me). Take control of this situation early and don't let years go by before you address it (and it's too late).

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

I guess I just have to live with this but it drives me crazy.

With all due respect, you make a choice to let it drive you crazy. Yes, it would be better if your wife did more but she's your wife and the mother of your child and she does what she does. Are you sure that your dissatisfaction is not due more to unmet expectations that to the situation at hand?

 

[SadSamIAm]

No clothes dryer????

I think it would be very tough to live without a clothes dryer. We would have clothes hanging all over the place here.

I know when I was young, my mother hung clothes on a 'clothes line' outside in the summer and 'inside all winter', but that was 40 years ago.

Your attitude of never helping is a problem. Help a bit with cleaning at home and it might get her motivated. Look into the health items that others have mentioned

Buy a clothes dryer!!!!

 

[Desperate_Housewife]

I agree with the others. It sounds like depression or some other medical issue. Stop calling her lazy and get her to a doctor asap.

On another issue... I think it's rediculous that you think she's lazy just because she would like a dryer. Hanging clothes is a *****! Having a washer, dryer, and dishwasher allows a person more time and energy to do other things around the house. Ever think of that?

I have no doubt you are doing your best to be a good father and husband, but you're attitude towards your wife stinks. Do you love her? I only ask because your post is full of disgust rather than concern. Even though your daughter is 3 now, your wife could still be suffering from postpartum depression. Instead of being so down on her, why don't you try getting to the source of the problem and help her? Some women are just lazy housewives, but lets find out if there are other reasons why she is the way she is BEFORE jumping to that conclusion.

 

[CallaLily]

Did you marry her knowing she wasn't much of a house keeper? Or is this something that slowly started happening? Depression maybe, or something else going on perhaps. I know for me sometimes if I get out of the habit of doing something, its hard to sometimes get back into it.

Since she has no interests or hobbies she may need to get out of the house more. If your child is 3 yrs old sometimes there are moms who get together with other moms and have play dates, that might be an option as well.

BTW make sure you do NOT call her lazy to her. That will not help anything and less likely to get any results, if anything she may just be resentful and do the opposite of what you want. Make sure you get to the root of WHY someone acts the way they do, Before you chalk it up to just being lazy.

 

[alte Dame]

Well, she could be lazy or she could be depressed or she could not really place value on cleaning. There are so many options. It's definite, though, that there are miles between the two of you in terms of how you want to live.

I have a sister whose house is always a complete disaster area & she's not depressed. She's now in her 50's & surprise, surprise, she's diagnosed with OCD. She's spent years sterilizing the dishes as everything around her fell to pieces.

I would tell her that you're not comfortable with your different expectations, suggest that she talk to a professional about possible treatment, and work on some practical solutions in the meantime (like a clothes dryer and a swiffer).

 

[EnjoliWoman]

How about offering to get the dryer and pay for a weekly housekeeper IF she uses her extra time to take your daughter to a weekly play date? Or to take her to a Mommy's Morning Out where she can then take up a hobby?

I agree it could be depression, upbringing or a number of things but hiring a housekeeper and giving her motivation by way of a hobby might have good results.

Start out by telling her you love her (if you do - if not, just end it) and you are concerned about her. Don't nag. Offer to take her to a counselor to diagnose whether or not she suffers from depression. But meanwhile, get the housekeeper. It will keep you sane and she won't feel overwhelmed.

 

[Enginerd]

In some countries washers and dryers are not common in apartments. The OP writes like he's from the UK so he may have grown up without one. Keeping a dirty house is a character flaw in my opinion. I'm not talking about stuff thrown about by the kids but actual filth and trash. She is most likely depressed or unhappy with her marriage.

 

[BrockLanders]

No clothes dryer????

I think it would be very tough to live without a clothes dryer. We would have clothes hanging all over the place here.

I know when I was young, my mother hung clothes on a 'clothes line' outside in the summer and 'inside all winter', but that was 40 years ago.

Your attitude of never helping is a problem. Help a bit with cleaning at home and it might get her motivated. Look into the health items that others have mentioned

Buy a clothes dryer!!!!

Most people outside the US and Canada don't use a clothes dryer.

 

[waiwera]

First I agree she needs to be checked out physically. I also think she sounds depressed and if she is... you being mad and calling her lazy will make matters worse.

BUT I also know of a few lazy people... I had a friend like your wife once. She was not sick or depressed, she even admitted herself she's lazy. She laughed about how little she did around the house. Her h worked all day then came home and cleaned up the mess and she gave him a toasted sandwich for dinner if he was lucky. But she was always like that...from day one. Having kids just made her worse.
So her hubby knew what he was getting into.

What was your wifes childhood home like? Was your W tidy when you met her? Before you had your daughter?

I totally don't believe you should have to hire a housekeeper... she is home and it's HER job why should they have to pay someone else to clean up. If he was a SAHD it would be his job so i'm not being sexist. A housekeeper would mean she never has to take responsibility for HER work around their home.

But first and foremost I would insist that she have a physical so that any body/mind issues can be sorted if necessary.

Goodluck!

 

[hawkeye]

First I agree she needs to be checked out physically. I also think she sounds depressed and if she is... you being mad and calling her lazy will make matters worse.

BUT I also know of a few lazy people... I had a friend like your wife once. She was not sick or depressed, she even admitted herself she's lazy. She laughed about how little she did around the house. Her h worked all day then came home and cleaned up the mess and she gave him a toasted sandwich for dinner if he was lucky. But she was always like that...from day one. Having kids just made her worse.
So her hubby knew what he was getting into.

What was your wifes childhood home like? Was your W tidy when you met her? Before you had your daughter?

I totally don't believe you should have to hire a housekeeper... she is home and it's HER job why should they have to pay someone else to clean up. If he was a SAHD it would be his job so i'm not being sexist. A housekeeper would mean she never has to take responsibility for HER work around their home.

But first and foremost I would insist that she have a physical so that any body/mind issues can be sorted if necessary.

Goodluck!

I'm glad someone acknowledged that some people are just flat out lazy.

 

[Emerald]

A stay at home mother is a full time job which includes keeping the house tidy, cooking, chores, etc.

How come she doesn't drive?

Also you say you married her knowing she was lazy.

Why did you expect her to change with a ring on her finger?

You do need to rule out depression first.

 

[Chelle D]

Pkkkkk...

I disagree with some about it maybe being a medical issue... And mostly agree with it being some upbringing. (maybe also some unhappiness in the marriage?)

Because: I for one am exactly like this. I am completely lazy.. and, honestly, somewhat selfish, about not cleaning the house. Clean Laundry piled so high on the sorting table... I don't know if I have enough hangers for them all. 3 loads on dirty laundry sitting outside of the bathroom.. Dishes in sink piled up.

However, I note that my husband, and grown child... do not do the chores either!! If either or both of them helped, then it wouldn't be so bad! (Plus, it would motivate me to clean up more often).

Now, I can't say that my mother completely let me "not do chores" when I was growing up. Her house is far from "immaculate" but is always picked up & de-cluttered. Sometimes a bit dusty, but she usually vacuums & sweeps. Her laundry is always caught up. And my dad does the dishes.. so they are almost always done. (Two day pile up at absolute most.)

So, in a way, it is not from my parents. However, If I try to over analyze it.., I DO remember that cleaning was a major source of punishment growing up. A punishment would be to do the dishes all by yourself for two or three nights running. (in a household of 8 members). Or to scrub the bathroom until it sparkled. Or to fold everyone's laundry for a week. (Mom would wash clothes, but if you were bad, you got picked to fold that week.) Again, 8 people, that is no small task.

I also remember having to clean the toy room, was tramatic. Mom would pile everything into one HUGE pile in the corner.... And Stand and stare at my sister and me, while we had to pick things out, one at a time and put them away. Her just standing over us with her hands fisted on her hips, staring with an evil, angry look on her face. Oh, that creeps me out now.. even just typing about it.

 

[Interlocutor]

My wife and I split up all chores 50/50 because we both work... If either of us stayed hme with our child we both agree that one would easily do all the house chores... It's not that friggin hard we both do it anyway and work full time and we both equally raise our children. People exaggerate...

Maybe she should get a job so you'd both have an excuse to have the house unkept.

 

[underwater2010]

Despite the thread title my wife is not entirely lazy but overall she doesn't do much house work.

I have seen other women with 2 or 3 kids and they manage to keep a clean house. There is always a pile of clothes that hasn't been sorted, she often sleeps into 8 or 9 in the morning then she showers for about 1 hour and by the time she is dressed it is sometimes midday. She doesn't drive, she's not that interested in sex, she doesn't clean the house, she's an unimaginative and pretty bad cook to name several things.Even though I only get dinner. Not only that but she complains about not having a clothes dryer and dish washer. I guess with those items she gets to do even less.
Did I marry a dud?
She's not a bad or nasty person but I just can't get her motivated to do anything.
I blame the way she was raised and never taught responsibility.
I just don't want our daughter to turn out the same.


I work for myself and study part time at Univeristy, pay the bills and I swear she thinks that money will always be at her disposal and grows on trees.
I don't mind she doesn't work because she takes care of our three year old daughter. I know raising a child is a full time job but before we had her my wife still didn't find time to do much around the house. The house is always dirty, she leaves expired food in the fridge, she rarely ever cleans and if I ever attempt to bring any of this up in a nice way she gets the $hits and gets all defensive. The shower is always filthy etc etc. I could go on forever here!
I do love her but I get so frustrated and she thinks because we are reasonable comfortable (not rich) that she is better than everybody else. I have my faults but I am my own worst critic and am always looking at ways to be a better person and to improve myself (hence the uni studies)
I often play with my daughter and often take her to the park to play. My wife never does any of these things. If there is a piece of rubbish on the floor she will just keep walking past it. I will pick it up as I walk past and put it in the bin. She's often grumpy meaning when she is in a happy mood I lap as much of it up as I can because she is fun to be around when she is happy. However, she has no interests and no hobbies. She admits she is boring. I know this sounds terrible but the only worthwhile thing she has ever contributed to was to bring our daugher into the world and she almost screwed that up to.
I guess I just have to live with this but it drives me crazy.
Some may criticize me for not doing jobs around the house. Well, I earn the money, am going to University to improve all our lives and do all the outside jobs.

You sound like a complete jerk. Are you sure that she is not depressed? If money is not an issue, hire a maid. Some people are not clean freaks. If I was to ask her what your shortcomings were, what would she say?

 

[underwater2010]

You sound like a complete jerk. Are you sure that she is not depressed? If money is not an issue, hire a maid. Some people are not clean freaks. If I was to ask her what your shortcomings were, what would she say?

The jerk part was in regards to her bring YOUR child into the world. It spoke volumes to me.

 

[Jane_Doe]

I'm not all that great about chores either and my biggest nightmare is my husband thinking/feeling/writing the OP.

Chances are she knows what she can and can't accomplish in a day right now, based on her physical/emotional limits. That explains her getting defensive when you bring it up. And I don't believe you bring it up in a 'nice' way because your post is seething with resentment.

And the UK isn't a third world country, my dad was always poor when I was growing up but we managed to get ourselves a second hand tumble dryer with a water-catch so it didn't need to be plumbed in, and I think it's still tumblin' to this day. Dish-washers are a middle class thing, yeah, but clothes hung up all over the house/radiators is just archaic.