I think the advice to accept her as she is, is in effect, that he can't change her. He said she's been this way "since before the kids" which makes me think this is who she's been the entirety of their relationship. He married her knowing she's perpetually late. Getting angry at her now for doing exactly what she's always done is just making him resentful. This is who she is. This is who she's always been.My ex was chronically late. The rudeness and disrespect of some of the lateness felt by others (being late often impacts others, sometimes groups of others, in a really negative way) at times spilled over onto me and our kids --- people disgusted with me and our family in general, because we were associated with him.
There is some advice here to just accept your wife as she is, don't let it bother you. That's not really possible. This severity of continual lateness has a huge impact on your family's life and the way people in your social group and community view all of you. .
I think it's definitely a marriage counseling worthy issue. In time the issue might turn you completely off her. Sounds like it already is.
His wife is obviously unable to deal with it and it's damaging the kids. If he really cares that much, that's the solution. Divorce is not a solution. Arrange other transport? How? With all those activities? It's not a matter of co-dependency... it's doing what is right for his kids since his wife can't get her act together...Wow really? Codependent much? You are advising this man CHANGE JOBS because his wife can't get kids to places on time? Talk about enabling..
My wife was fully aware that the kids were being signed up for these activities and she agreed to it. I take the lead on signing our kids up for the activities because my wife won’t do it. If I didn’t take the lead on it, my wife would have our kids sitting in the house 24 hours a day watching bubble guppies.So you didn't check with her first, yet sign the kids up for things that she'll have to get them to. That's not cool.I have taken the lead on signing them up for sports and most activities, but the kids enjoy it and want to be involved in them. We limit it so they are not involved in more than one sport at a time (soccer in fall, basketball in winter, baseball in spring, etc) other than swim lessons which they do once a week year round. My wife just seems to have a very hard time getting anywhere on time, and it’s something she’s struggled with long before we had kids. I just feel it’s more of an issue now since it’s impacting the kids.
There must be more to this - you need to explore the other issues in your marriage, because to consider divorcing someone because they're late for things is, frankly, ridiculous.
This isn't really how it works for most people who are chronically tardy. I was late from the time I was a child. I can remember missing the bus multiple times and being late well into adulthood. The thing that changed for me was when someone told me that late people do not value the time of others. That really hit me and I realized I had to do something about my tardiness. I analyzed why I was late and realized that it was simply due to poor planning. If I had to be somewhere at 3:00. I didn't make enough time to get ready to leave. I would think about how long it took me to get to a place, but not how long it would take me to get ready to go there. It became much worse when I had children and it was like herding cats to get them ready.The bottom line is, she’s an adult; it’s her choice. Being late may have went on so long that it just comes natural now, but if she knows how to tell time and can do some simple math calculations, there is no reason for it. Things come up for all of us at times, but habitual tardiness is a choice.
From what you've said thus far, it sounds like you no longer love your wife. You don't like her either. I'm not sure what advice it is you seek. Without knowing what the other issues are in your relationship, and given the fact that you sound done, I'd say it's time to lawyer-up. JMO.My wife was fully aware that the kids were being signed up for these activities and she agreed to it. I take the lead on signing our kids up for the activities because my wife won’t do it. If I didn’t take the lead on it, my wife would have our kids sitting in the house 24 hours a day watching bubble guppies.
I often see posters here who are reticent to divulge much. It could mean there is another woman. It could also mean his wife has put herself in compromising situations. Could be a million different things. So while my suspicion, after reading countless threads on TAM over the years, is the OP is interested in someone else, I could be wrong.There are other things that have gone on in our marriage that caused me to mention divorce. This more or less just one more negative in the marriage pushing me over the ledge.
It's not ONE sport per season that's the issue. It's 3 X ONE sport per season. There's 3 kids going at it year round PLUS swim lessons for each every week. These are 3 kids with probably different practice and event schedules.A person who cant even get their children to school on time, misses activities they signed up for just because is defended.
A person who signs his kids up for ONE sport per season is treated like crazy sports and activities obsessed person.
Give me a break. Im guessing the OP is signing his kids up for the equivalent of YMCA type sports. Usually at that age a one hour practice a week at most and then one game. Seasons last anywhere from 6-8 weeks. Oh the humanity. When will they have time to be children?
OP would likely benefit from marriage counseling with his wife. Hopefully the marriage counselor bills by the hour so wife will be forced to respect their time.
There have been other issues in our marriage, and this sort of feels like the straw that is breaking the camels back. Our kids are young (oldest started kindergarten this year, middle child is in preschool, youngest day care) so the late thing only became more of an issue recently as our kids have started school and sports. Prior to this she still caused us to be late for everything (church, appointments, etc) but I suppose it was more tolerable then when I didn’t view the lateness as impacting our kids.
Youngest is in day care. Im guessing 2-3 years old if next oldest is preschool 4-5? So at most swimming lessons for them when the other siblings are there. So thats one trip for all the swimming lessons if they were smart and planned it that way.It's not ONE sport per season that's the issue. It's 3 X ONE sport per season. There's 3 kids going at it year round PLUS swim lessons for each every week. These are 3 kids with probably different practice and event schedules.
OP can of course try to change his wife but he might as well bang his head against concrete for all of the good that'll do. She's been like this the entirety of their marriage. Why would he expect her to be anything than what she's shown herself to be?
You're a much better dad than I am a mother. I only have one and trying to pull the multiple sports/activities per season was very difficult for me. I was not enthusiastic about driving all over town to get him to activities especially during weeknights.Youngest is in day care. Im guessing 2-3 years old if next oldest is preschool 4-5? So at most swimming lessons for them when the other siblings are there. So thats one trip for all the swimming lessons if they were smart and planned it that way.
Sports (at least where I live) are limited for the preschooler. Generally things like micro-soccer and baseball that dont even have practices outside of games. A short 20 min practice before the game ONCE a week. A whole hour. That season is maybe 6 weeks.
Even the kindergartener is going to be limited in practices etc.
I have a daughter in dance and volleyball. Couple dance classes a week and a couple volleyball practices.
My son plays basketball now that I coach with one practice a week and one game a week. Other times of the year he plays soccer with the same schedule.
It's not hard. And Im sure my kids schedules are FAR more involved than a kid in K, preK and a toddler could be. I think people are treating OP like "Crazy sports dad" that has older kids all involved in select sports teams that are never ending every day of the week things.
And she can't change? She can't realize that what she does shows a lack of respect for other people's time and efforts? I dont know if OP will be back and what his entire story is, but from what he told us I didn't get the picture of some family that has over-committed kids running around ragged.
I don't know about better dad. My wife helps take them to activities plenty too. So we work well in that regard. And we try to find balance in having them active yet still kids and not scheduled to death.You're a much better dad than I am a mother. I only have one and trying to pull the multiple sports/activities per season was very difficult for me. I was not enthusiastic about driving all over town to get him to activities especially during weeknights.
And no, people don't change just because we want them to change regardless how much value we put into that particular issue. They have to want to change.
I know a woman who complains constantly about her gamer husband. He was a gamer before she married him. She chose to have children with this gamer and now she's complaining that he's not paying attention to the kids. She can't change him. He's gotta want to change and frankly, he doesn't. OP is in the same boat.