Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 40 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,030 Posts
My ex was chronically late. The rudeness and disrespect of some of the lateness felt by others (being late often impacts others, sometimes groups of others, in a really negative way) at times spilled over onto me and our kids --- people disgusted with me and our family in general, because we were associated with him.

There is some advice here to just accept your wife as she is, don't let it bother you. That's not really possible. This severity of continual lateness has a huge impact on your family's life and the way people in your social group and community view all of you. .

I think it's definitely a marriage counseling worthy issue. In time the issue might turn you completely off her. Sounds like it already is.
I think the advice to accept her as she is, is in effect, that he can't change her. He said she's been this way "since before the kids" which makes me think this is who she's been the entirety of their relationship. He married her knowing she's perpetually late. Getting angry at her now for doing exactly what she's always done is just making him resentful. This is who she is. This is who she's always been.

The only thing he can control is himself. He can remove his wife from the equation and take on the responsibility to ensure he and his kids get to where they need to be on time. He can also choose to divorce her at which point he loses control of his kids 50% of the time.

But if he wishes to stay married then marriage counseling would be good so he can work on letting go of his resentment towards her. He shouldn't go with the hopes of changing her into what he wants her to be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,489 Posts
Wow really? Codependent much? You are advising this man CHANGE JOBS because his wife can't get kids to places on time? Talk about enabling..
His wife is obviously unable to deal with it and it's damaging the kids. If he really cares that much, that's the solution. Divorce is not a solution. Arrange other transport? How? With all those activities? It's not a matter of co-dependency... it's doing what is right for his kids since his wife can't get her act together...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #24
I have taken the lead on signing them up for sports and most activities, but the kids enjoy it and want to be involved in them. We limit it so they are not involved in more than one sport at a time (soccer in fall, basketball in winter, baseball in spring, etc) other than swim lessons which they do once a week year round. My wife just seems to have a very hard time getting anywhere on time, and it’s something she’s struggled with long before we had kids. I just feel it’s more of an issue now since it’s impacting the kids.
So you didn't check with her first, yet sign the kids up for things that she'll have to get them to. That's not cool.

There must be more to this - you need to explore the other issues in your marriage, because to consider divorcing someone because they're late for things is, frankly, ridiculous.
My wife was fully aware that the kids were being signed up for these activities and she agreed to it. I take the lead on signing our kids up for the activities because my wife won’t do it. If I didn’t take the lead on it, my wife would have our kids sitting in the house 24 hours a day watching bubble guppies.

There are other things that have gone on in our marriage that caused me to mention divorce. This more or less just one more negative in the marriage pushing me over the ledge.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
173 Posts
Does your wife work? What's her schedule like during the day?

When my kids were little I struggled to get to places on time. I tried to plan and pack things in advance but I was almost never out the door on time. I felt tired all the time. I think I had a little bit of postpartum blues. More like an anxiety thing. My brain was all over the place.

Once I made the mistake of signing my kids to sports and swimming without realizing games were played at the same time in two different fields. We had no family to help us and my husband was working. I was a mad woman during that season and late for a lot of the games.

My kids are older now but they are still involved in extracurricular activities.

I am not a morning person. I get up in the morning but I feel like a zombie until I'm fully awake. I send my kids to school while I'm trying to wake up.

Is your wife getting a good night sleep? I know I struggle to be on time for early morning activities. I hate it when my kids have early games on a Saturday morning.

I work by showing up to assignments. I start my assignments at 9 a.m. Earlier than that and my brain is all spaced out and can't concentrate.

My husband is the opposite. He starts working at 4 a.m. He goes to bed really early. He can't stand being late.

Maybe your wife is struggling with motherhood. How's she doing as a mom and wife? Do you have family that can help out?

I limit my kids activities. I have two kids and I can only handle 2 activities per child, one sport and another activity. No more or I'm not responsible for their transportation. I've told my husband this. I love my kids but I need time for myself, for my home, for cooking a nice meal, etc.

My advice would be trying to find help from friends and family. Why is your kindergartner not taking the bus to school? And try to help your wife find the root of the cause for her being always late.

If you can give an example of her daily routine, it will give us a better idea of what's going on.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
The bottom line is, she’s an adult; it’s her choice. Being late may have went on so long that it just comes natural now, but if she knows how to tell time and can do some simple math calculations, there is no reason for it. Things come up for all of us at times, but habitual tardiness is a choice.
This isn't really how it works for most people who are chronically tardy. I was late from the time I was a child. I can remember missing the bus multiple times and being late well into adulthood. The thing that changed for me was when someone told me that late people do not value the time of others. That really hit me and I realized I had to do something about my tardiness. I analyzed why I was late and realized that it was simply due to poor planning. If I had to be somewhere at 3:00. I didn't make enough time to get ready to leave. I would think about how long it took me to get to a place, but not how long it would take me to get ready to go there. It became much worse when I had children and it was like herding cats to get them ready.

Once I recognized why I was late, I was able to do something about it and today I am rarely late and my children are also usually on time. I taught them to plan for how long it takes to get out the door, how long the travel time is, and add ten minutes for traffic problems. I am now usually 10-15 minutes early. All because I recognized that I need more time to prepare rather than just getting up to go when I should have been on the road.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,400 Posts
My wife was fully aware that the kids were being signed up for these activities and she agreed to it. I take the lead on signing our kids up for the activities because my wife won’t do it. If I didn’t take the lead on it, my wife would have our kids sitting in the house 24 hours a day watching bubble guppies.
From what you've said thus far, it sounds like you no longer love your wife. You don't like her either. I'm not sure what advice it is you seek. Without knowing what the other issues are in your relationship, and given the fact that you sound done, I'd say it's time to lawyer-up. JMO.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,459 Posts
I sense a rewriting of history and a decreased ability to handle irritations about your wife. I also think there is very likely a woman, other than your wife, that you are developing an interest in. Is there anyone you are noticing at swimming lessons or the kid's school? Anyone at work? Someone you have begun to text? Do you think this is "just friends" and harmless?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,787 Posts
I posted a reply but it is not showing up. So pardon if it double posts. Clearly we need more info. I sense a hesitancy for you to disclose. Does your wife work? What is her day-to-day schedule like?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,491 Posts
We’re missing a lot of information. Does your wife tell you that she was late or does your children tell you? Does she admit that she had trouble being on time? I’m sure you have had a lot of conversations about this, what does she say?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,400 Posts
There are other things that have gone on in our marriage that caused me to mention divorce. This more or less just one more negative in the marriage pushing me over the ledge.
I often see posters here who are reticent to divulge much. It could mean there is another woman. It could also mean his wife has put herself in compromising situations. Could be a million different things. So while my suspicion, after reading countless threads on TAM over the years, is the OP is interested in someone else, I could be wrong.

Guess we won't know unless he's forthcoming with more details.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,657 Posts
Meh, my Mum and Husband are always late for everything. Neither of them are going to change, it's not worth the stress of rushing them so I manage the issue by telling both of them that events start half an hour to an hour before they do, depending on what it is. It's just not worth it.

Neither of them have figured it out yet either and I've been doing it for years pmsl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,888 Posts
A person who cant even get their children to school on time, misses activities they signed up for just because is defended.

A person who signs his kids up for ONE sport per season is treated like crazy sports and activities obsessed person.

Give me a break. Im guessing the OP is signing his kids up for the equivalent of YMCA type sports. Usually at that age a one hour practice a week at most and then one game. Seasons last anywhere from 6-8 weeks. Oh the humanity. When will they have time to be children?

OP would likely benefit from marriage counseling with his wife. Hopefully the marriage counselor bills by the hour so wife will be forced to respect their time.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,030 Posts
A person who cant even get their children to school on time, misses activities they signed up for just because is defended.

A person who signs his kids up for ONE sport per season is treated like crazy sports and activities obsessed person.

Give me a break. Im guessing the OP is signing his kids up for the equivalent of YMCA type sports. Usually at that age a one hour practice a week at most and then one game. Seasons last anywhere from 6-8 weeks. Oh the humanity. When will they have time to be children?

OP would likely benefit from marriage counseling with his wife. Hopefully the marriage counselor bills by the hour so wife will be forced to respect their time.
It's not ONE sport per season that's the issue. It's 3 X ONE sport per season. There's 3 kids going at it year round PLUS swim lessons for each every week. These are 3 kids with probably different practice and event schedules.

OP can of course try to change his wife but he might as well bang his head against concrete for all of the good that'll do. She's been like this the entirety of their marriage. Why would he expect her to be anything than what she's shown herself to be?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,888 Posts
There have been other issues in our marriage, and this sort of feels like the straw that is breaking the camels back. Our kids are young (oldest started kindergarten this year, middle child is in preschool, youngest day care) so the late thing only became more of an issue recently as our kids have started school and sports. Prior to this she still caused us to be late for everything (church, appointments, etc) but I suppose it was more tolerable then when I didn’t view the lateness as impacting our kids.
It's not ONE sport per season that's the issue. It's 3 X ONE sport per season. There's 3 kids going at it year round PLUS swim lessons for each every week. These are 3 kids with probably different practice and event schedules.

OP can of course try to change his wife but he might as well bang his head against concrete for all of the good that'll do. She's been like this the entirety of their marriage. Why would he expect her to be anything than what she's shown herself to be?
Youngest is in day care. Im guessing 2-3 years old if next oldest is preschool 4-5? So at most swimming lessons for them when the other siblings are there. So thats one trip for all the swimming lessons if they were smart and planned it that way.

Sports (at least where I live) are limited for the preschooler. Generally things like micro-soccer and baseball that dont even have practices outside of games. A short 20 min practice before the game ONCE a week. A whole hour. That season is maybe 6 weeks.

Even the kindergartener is going to be limited in practices etc.

I have a daughter in dance and volleyball. Couple dance classes a week and a couple volleyball practices.
My son plays basketball now that I coach with one practice a week and one game a week. Other times of the year he plays soccer with the same schedule.

It's not hard. And Im sure my kids schedules are FAR more involved than a kid in K, preK and a toddler could be. I think people are treating OP like "Crazy sports dad" that has older kids all involved in select sports teams that are never ending every day of the week things.

And she can't change? She can't realize that what she does shows a lack of respect for other people's time and efforts? I dont know if OP will be back and what his entire story is, but from what he told us I didn't get the picture of some family that has over-committed kids running around ragged.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,030 Posts
Youngest is in day care. Im guessing 2-3 years old if next oldest is preschool 4-5? So at most swimming lessons for them when the other siblings are there. So thats one trip for all the swimming lessons if they were smart and planned it that way.

Sports (at least where I live) are limited for the preschooler. Generally things like micro-soccer and baseball that dont even have practices outside of games. A short 20 min practice before the game ONCE a week. A whole hour. That season is maybe 6 weeks.

Even the kindergartener is going to be limited in practices etc.

I have a daughter in dance and volleyball. Couple dance classes a week and a couple volleyball practices.
My son plays basketball now that I coach with one practice a week and one game a week. Other times of the year he plays soccer with the same schedule.

It's not hard. And Im sure my kids schedules are FAR more involved than a kid in K, preK and a toddler could be. I think people are treating OP like "Crazy sports dad" that has older kids all involved in select sports teams that are never ending every day of the week things.

And she can't change? She can't realize that what she does shows a lack of respect for other people's time and efforts? I dont know if OP will be back and what his entire story is, but from what he told us I didn't get the picture of some family that has over-committed kids running around ragged.
You're a much better dad than I am a mother. I only have one and trying to pull the multiple sports/activities per season was very difficult for me. I was not enthusiastic about driving all over town to get him to activities especially during weeknights.

And no, people don't change just because we want them to change regardless how much value we put into that particular issue. They have to want to change.

I know a woman who complains constantly about her gamer husband. He was a gamer before she married him. She chose to have children with this gamer and now she's complaining that he's not paying attention to the kids. She can't change him. He's gotta want to change and frankly, he doesn't. OP is in the same boat.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,830 Posts
Somone asked if your wife works, OP. If she's not working outside of the home, why does she expect you to not only hold down a job, but also take care of all of the kids' sports activities? I think there's more to this story, than just a wife who has a tardiness problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,888 Posts
You're a much better dad than I am a mother. I only have one and trying to pull the multiple sports/activities per season was very difficult for me. I was not enthusiastic about driving all over town to get him to activities especially during weeknights.

And no, people don't change just because we want them to change regardless how much value we put into that particular issue. They have to want to change.

I know a woman who complains constantly about her gamer husband. He was a gamer before she married him. She chose to have children with this gamer and now she's complaining that he's not paying attention to the kids. She can't change him. He's gotta want to change and frankly, he doesn't. OP is in the same boat.
I don't know about better dad. My wife helps take them to activities plenty too. So we work well in that regard. And we try to find balance in having them active yet still kids and not scheduled to death.

Agree on the want to change. Maybe people just need to leave and go places without a chronic late person. Tell them to meet you there and drive their car or something? I don't know.

Maybe the same for gamer. Leave him while her and the kids go and do something. And not a fan of withholding sex, but I guess communicate to him that if he has time for her and the family then she can have time for him in the bedroom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,766 Posts
Came to the conclusion several years ago that tardiness is passive aggressive behavior. It is difficult to stop in the best of circumstances. My wife and I are both accountants. It is deeply ingrained in us to be there five minutes before we are due. Why? We both take appointments and when a client is late and digs into other peoples' time it is essentially insulting to us and the people with subsequent appointments. We had to deal with this as a family, as her youngest sibling had intense difficulty being anywhere on time. At best she would be a half hour late. So, this was a permanent part of the landscape for about ten years when the kids grew, and our patience began to wear thin, there was a proposal that we would just carry on as if she was there. We would not hold meals, or theatre tickets or anything for that matter. If she was late, she either started late, or at one particular dinner, we had eaten, had dessert and were lingering over our coffee when she arrived. She was advised that we did not wait dinner on her account. If she wished, she could order, but we were done and were getting ready to leave. This time it effected her deeply, as this was a farewell dinner for a niece that was studying abroad for the next few years. Everyone was peeved, and this time we made our displeasure known. She looked askance at us for ordering and eating without her, and we told her that we would no longer entertain the notion that she was constantly barraged with things that would mess up her schedule. Nobody's life is that messy. So, she sat at a big table all alone, finished her meal alone, and paid. We had all left by that time. It finally fizzed. She has yet to be late again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Sounds like you are looking for an excuse to leave,, That's a new one I have never heard. MAYBE SHE NEEDS A LIL HELP IF YOU WORK OUT OF TOWN ALOT.MAYBE A NANNY OR HOUSEKEEPER.INSTEAD OF A DIVORCE.
 
21 - 40 of 40 Posts
Top