Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry for the long post, but I really want to explain my story here...Also, if you are easily offended by frank descriptions of a sexual and/or graphical nature, PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER. This posting is NOT meant to be a "sexy story" or to serve as some form of entertainment. This is real life and my true heart, and I am deeply troubled by what has transpired. I am simply looking for answers or advice as to how I can move forward.

I'm a 38 y/o man with a wife and two kids (girl and boy, ages 8 and 3, one hers, and one ours). We've been married for just over four years. We have had been trying to have a baby since we got married, but I have a disability (Cerebral Palsy), and suffer from retrograde ejaculation, long sperm count, motility issues, etc (as well as premature ejaculation). Plus, the CP prevents me from thrusting my hips very quickly or for any real duration. We went through hell and back trying to conceive (TTC), but it was very slow going at first. My CP and related health issues kept getting in the way. I remember how truly humiliated I was after learning that I had failed the sperm penetration SPA (hamster) test. It was especially difficult because our fertility doctor and her OB/GYN were both female. I remember not even being able to look any of the three ladies (my wife or the two doctors) in the eye. It was horrible. In fact, her GYN sensed must have sensed my pain, because she gave me a tight hug as we left.

While we truly love each other very much, our sex life has suffered greatly. IVF treatment has been a total failure. Flashing back to the early part of our marriage, the first time we ever made love (on our honeymoon), I lasted less than 30 seconds. What's more, my wife didn't even know I climaxed. When I told her I was "finished" already, at first she didn't believe me, espesically since there were only a few drops of semen in her vagina. At first, she was really nice about it and just laughed it off as post-wedding jitters.

Early on in our marriage, we tried to get pregnant naturally. Sex was always the same: Very short, and really not that sweet. We tried to work on our sessions for the first few weeks, and nearly all of them had the same general outcome. I remember in particular, after the first week, one of our "sessions" actually lasted just over a minute, and I felt proud of it. However, I just remember her getting up off the bed and locking herself in the bathroom for over an hour. She turned on the shower, and I heard what I thought sounded like a soft moan roughly ten minutes later.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I discovered that she was actually using this bathroom time to masturbate herself to orgasm. I was devastated. When I confronted her on the issue, she just started laughing and walked away saying that I wouldn't understand. Whenever I would bring it up, she would change the subject. I soon realized that sex became an act of sympathy from her, as opposed to a romantic event. Since I don't thrust very hard or very long, I know she doesn't really get anyting out of it.

She doesn't deny herself to me, but she isn't all that enthused about it either. In fact, she often lets me have a "quickie" with her in the mornings before she and I go to work. She is a shift manager at a major manufacturing firm, and she has to be at work sometimes by 6 AM. I, on the other hand, work as a sales rep for a tool company, so I didn't have to be in til 9 AM. The good part is that she can literally be all dressed for work in her pants suit outfit, and all she does is pull down her pants, apply a very small amount of lube, and let me get at it for about a minute or so. When we are "done", she literally just pulls up her pants, and walks out the door. She once told me that I was the first man she'd "been with" where she never has to "rinse out" or "clean up" or anything like that. I really don't know any different, so I really didn't see what the big deal was to begin with. But, I guess there is, in some circles. The point is that she rarely gets fully undressed any more. I almost get the feeling that she doesn't want me to see her fully nude any more. This is what I mean by "sympathetic sex".

So, while I often get a "release", I rarely felt a relationship connection. Sexually speaking, we are very distant. Otherwise, we had what appears to be a great marriage. We buy each other presents for Christmas, Birthdays, you name it. We go out to dinner and a movie (date night) often enough. She is a great mother to our children, and indeed I am a father to her children. I truly love them both. I love her, and I know she loves me. But... She recently started acting kind of secretive, and I recently found a couple of pregnancy tests in our bathroom waste basket next to the toilet. They were both negative.

She never told me that she thought she might be pregnant. So, I had a feeling she might be straying. So I setup a hidden webcam in our bedroom to prove me wrong. It is a wireless HD webcam that streams to a spare laptop in our home office. It just records that bedroom for days at a time. 500 gig drives are cheap now, so I review it from time to time when she is at work.

(WARNING TO SOME READERS! The following two paragraphs are a tad graphic, but in my opinion very necessary to relate in my story. PLEASE SKIP DOWN TWO PARAGRAPHS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED!)

Well, I just recently caught her in the act on video (about a month ago). Without being too terribly graphic, let's just say that they both had a lot of fun. They were both completely nude, he was on top, and they did not use a condom. After looking at the video several times, it looks like penetration to ejaculation for him took just over 6 minutes, and he was thrusting his hips quite fast (atleast compared to me). I am still personally quite stunned. I seriously did not know that someone could move their hips that fast and last that long. I mean it wasn't like really fast, but a whole lot faster than I could ever move, let me tell you. I could also hear her moan three seperate times during the act. She's NEVER moaned with me. NOT EVER. Perhaps they were orgasms? I don't know. While I am deeply devastated, I am actually not ready to "kill this guy". In fact, I almost feel sorry for my wife. There was almost no kissing. In fact, he really doesn't spend too much time with her breasts or anything like that (which is surprising because she is a double D). He just mostly went right to her pelvic area. The video shows that they were already naked by the time she got into view of the camera and actually laid down on the bed -- it dosen't show any undressing -- so that probably took place in another room. From the looks of what I saw on the video, I don't think she loves him, but what do I know? Atleast, that's what I want to believe. All I could tell is that she was very satisfied in the end (at least physically speaking) -- and so was he!

I mean, I am trying to justify it in my mind by saying that it was just sex. I mean, after he was done, he quickly put his clothes back on while she stayed in bed until he left. About five minutes later, from the sound on the video, it appears that she moaned to herself, but this time a lot more softly. The camera audio barely picked up the sound. What's also interesting is that, when she finally got out of bed, the HD camera picked up what appeared to be some strands of string or lint in her pubic hair (it was whitish strands). I froze the image and tried to do digital zoom in, but I couldn't make out exactly what it was, as it was pixelated. Very strange. Maybe someone on here could explain what the white strands are, because I don't know. Our sheets are a tan color, so I don't know what white lint would be doing there, but oh well. The last thing I saw was her walking towards our master bathroom. I could hear the shower running in background, and that's when I decided to stop watching. I was too hurt!

I am curious. I wonder how long this has truly been going on? Looking back, I remember when the doctors had her on clomid, she became very "driven" sexually as a result. In fact, after she was on clomid for about 3 months, she told me that she was very sexually frustrated. I really didn't pick up on her signals that could be perceived as a subtle cry for help. I just remember back about three years ago, on June 13th, 2007, she announced that she was pregnant. I was so overjoyed! At the time, she seemed a tad less joyful, but I really didn't think much of it. I assumed that the whole experience was maybe too overwhelming or even anti-clamatic for her.

I also remember, later on, when she was well into her pregnancy, I came home early from work one afternoon, and noticed that the toilet seat was up in our master bathroom. Further, the toilet was full of urine, and I even saw a couple of what looked like pubic hairs floating in the bowl. At the time, I didn't think much of it really. I just used the toilet myself and then flushed. I actually remember seeing a similar type of thing two other times during that year. So I am now forced to ask myself if our son is actually mine (not that it really matters now anyway -- I love him so much!)?

I guess I have several questions here: 1) I feel that our trust has been violated. But, I also feel like I understand WHY she did it. Is this normal? I mean, I want her to be happy with all my heart. Surely if I'm not cutting sexually, she deserves better than to live like a freaking monk all her life. 2) I watched a very intimate act between my wife and her lover. While I actually felt within my right to do so, I was also very curious. She is the only woman I've ever had sexual intercourse with, and so I don't know what other sex looks like (I've never watched porn). So I am truly at a loss in this department.

Anyway, I feel a little dirty, guilty, angry, and disgusted inside. Are these feelings normal, or am I a total loon? 3) Should I confront her? I mean, of course I am pissed, but I don't want her to leave me. In fact, she's my life! She's all I have (other than the kids). Her ex-husband is a complete a-- and will have no further contact with the daughter they had together. So, I have taken everyone in and accepted both kids as my own.

Other than the sexual aspect, our lives are quite good. We are stable, and she remains very loving towards me. I think they are using each other for sex and nothing more. But, I am very concerned about possible STDs and obviously pregnancy. On the one hamd, I think she's being very selfish. On the other, if a few minutes of pleasure every week makes her happy -- and we can still have a good marraige otherwise -- then maybe I can learn to live with that. Although, I don't want her to stay with me just because she feels sorry for me! That would be wrong. Oh God, I don't know what to do. It's clear she doesn't use condoms. Maybe her lover doesn't like them. Whatever the case, these issues are very real and dangerous. Any thoughts? Please comment. Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,585 Posts
Lots of issues here, but the bottom line is yes, you need to talk to her. Frankly, I understand why you used the camera but I don't think she will so maybe you just have to tell her that you know about him.

Don't make the discussion "Did you or didn't you?" but "What do we do from here?"

But before you do, you need to know what your position will be.

Are you willing for your wife to have a lover (including unprotected sex)?
Are you willing to have sex with her while she does?
Are you willing to be celibate if she is getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere?
Are you willing to risk the chance that the physical affair becomes a love affair and you are looking in from the outside?

You may not have all the answers but you should have a general position in mind when you start down this road.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
415 Posts
What the two of you need is a real honest conversation about what you have and what each of you needs out of this relationship and what you are willing to compromise on.

What is wrong with her having lovers and the two of you staying married? If that works for the both of you You yourself said you wouldnt leave her anyway and you are great parents to your children, get along fabulously and have a great life otherwise
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
232 Posts
1) Most woman can't climax from penile/vaginal intercourse. You could easily bring her to orgasm by using a vibrator and oral sex.
2) Loving sex is a completely different kind of sex than just physical sex.
3) Watch porn, either alone or with her. You'll pick up some techniques.
4) Satisfying her "needs" with another man is cheating and a betrayal of your marital vows. She should have come to you before engaging in that dispicable behavior (especially in your marrital bed).
5) Get tested for STD's immediately
6) If you want to know if your child is really yours, do a Google search for a DNA lab. You can have a test done for a few hundred dollars and you will get the results in a few days.
7) The unprotected sex w/ another man could become a problem (pregnancy or STD).
It's clearly time to have an honest conversation with your wife. Your marriage will either improve, end or be renegotiated. Goodluck and keep us posted of your progress.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
Andy,
Confront the issue and approach her infidelity with calm and rational thought. Take the time (days)to come up with a plan on how you want the discussion to go. Make a list of the questions you have and the feelings from both of you that you want to discuss. Maybe write her a letter with the things that you want to discuss, there by giving her some time do to some soul searching. Remeber be calm and don't get emotional, don't beg or plead. Almost like a busness discusion. Your main goal on confronting her is finding exactly were the marriage is going. Don't judge her, or threaten her. You already know why she is doing this (sex) you both need to communicate a way in moving forward on this issue. Boundries need to be set and I can only pray that she faces the issue with you and and doesn't push further away.


Be prepared so spend some time read up on affairs and get a perspective on how she will respond. Most likely she will lie so you may need to show some evidence. Hold off as long as you can with pulling out the video. She may willing come forward with the fact that you have seen the toilet and have certain things that confirm her infidelity. If not you may need to pull the vidoe out. The bottom line is opening this can of worms up, bring it to the surface, and deciding the best course of action the both of you need to take to stay mentally and physicaly healty (this is important for the whole family. And if this marriage can work you both need to be resentment free. If you do deside to leave well enough alone the resentment alone will rip the relationship apart on its own time.

Good luck, when confronting her, show confidence and stranght with you actions and tone, the last thing you want to show her is a weak and needy man, but be polite and respectfull. Show her that you care about and love her, and boundries need to be set. You are not a door mat and you deserve respect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
I hope you guys get a chance to talk about it. You should get tested as well, and a paternity test sounds like a good idea.

If you are both wanting to stay with each other after the test, I'd say introduce toys. That's how I please myself (my H and I have separate bedrooms), and once he's had his pleasure I please myself. Sounds warped, but it works so far.

Good luck!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,906 Posts
I've never dealt with CP (or any other disability, for that matter), so I can't truly appreciate what you're going through. But...

The actual "intercourse" portion of sex doesn't have to be the be all/end all of a session (for lack of a better word). If you've got use of your hands, fingers, a tongue, even your toes for that matter, there's no reason why your wife can't be satisfied, at least from an orgasm/sex point of view.

Having said that, neither of you is communicating with each other. Either get some counseling going, or start on your own. Getting stuff out there, and talking about it. If you don't talk about it, it's not likely to get fixed. But be aware that just because you talk about it, it's not going to magically get fixed either... There's going to be a lot of work, I'd guess.

If you do decide to try to fix things, the advice on watching some porn or bringing some toys into the relationship are good ones. If you want to have a sexual relationship, you'll need to educate yourself and in particular, how to work around whatever handicap you might have. Even if your current marriage ends, you'll likely bring the same baggage into the next one unless you deal with it.

And Chris's advice was great... Take some time to think about what you want, and what your position is BEFORE talking to her. Then you can decide if you're willing to accept an open marriage and what the rules might be, or if you're unwilling to accept any infidelity, or what.

And you're NOT a loon for the way you feel. But given her situation, I likely would have looked outside the marriage for fulfillment as well. Not in my own bed though... And she SHOULD have come and talked to you before it got that bad, but things don't always happen the way they should.

C
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
There has been a massive breach of trust here. Even if she is sexually frustrated, the decent thing to do would be to bring it up with you and talk about it. Being sexually frustrated does not give her the right to lie to you whatsoever. I would be more worried about this than the actual sexual details of what transpired. There is a huge difference between lying (having sex with someone else in your own house, behind your back in your own bed!! - wow that stuns me) and having a mutually agreed upon agreement where she has her needs fulfilled elsewhere. It makes you wonder - what else is she lying about?

You refer to yourself negatively and the shame oozes out of that post. It breaks my heart reading stuff like that (and not in a pity kind of way, it doesnt matter who writes it, disability or not, the shame bit always breaks my heart). There are many, many different ways to be sexually satisfied, not just penis-vagina sex. If one way doesn't work there are a tonne of other ways (oral, digital, mutual masturbation, just to name a few off the top of my head) that may do the trick for you two. Not to mention there are also a tonne of different positions you can try, etc.

So yeah. I think that saying it is ok for her to blatantly lie to you because she isn't satisfied with penis-vagina sex is a cop out, to be brutally honest. She should have more respect for you than that, and communicated her issues in a mature, proactive way. Then you guys could discuss it, research it, find other things that could work for you and leave you BOTH satisfied in the end.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Andy,

Welcome to the site. Your post took a lot of courage to write. I've been reading in here for a while, but only now have had a reason to register.

First of all, you really DO need to confront your wife. You need to be open, honest, and gentle. Ask her what is it that she personally wants in the relationship. If you are providing her with everything but the sex, then... Well, you really have nothing to worry about.

Women generally look at sex in two ways: Making love vs. having sex. Making love is our way of giving our whole selves to someone we love. On the other hand, if we are feeling really sexually frustrated, we just want the sex.

There's a big difference between "making love" and "having sex". I can't speak for your wife, but I personally believe that making love is truly giving myself willingly and completely to the other person that I truly love. My body is one with theirs. In contrast, having sex is simply being free and going with the moment. I don't care what he is after. I just want to blow off some steam and get some stress relief. Sometime women just want to let it all go, moan, and just have fun. But other times we want to show our man that we love him deeply. I hope you understand.

I don't know if anyone else has covered this yet but I want to answer your question regarding the "white lint" you saw on your wife after she had sex. To be blunt, the white strands or "lint" as you call it is probably just the man's dried up semen / ejaculate. Often, when a man comes, there is more semen than her vagina can hold, and so some of it leaks out. Some of it eventually dries and clings to her pubic hair, which causes what might look like white streamers or patches to appear. You probably saw those.

In the end, the both of you should work it out, even if it is only temporarily for the kids' sake. If she truly loves you (which it sounds like it does, otherwise she'd be long gone with her lover by now) then she will listen to you and try to make it work. I find it hard to believe that she would leave you at this point. Especially with your involvement with her kids. Hang in there! I wish you all the best...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,484 Posts
Wow, I don't know what's more important or what to address first here. So I'm just going to start addressing things, and say that they are likely not in order of importance.

She cheated on you. You need to figure out how you feel about that. You are still clearly confused and not sure what to think or do in regard to that. You have to figure that out. Nothing else matters really, if you decide you want to end the marriage over the cheating. When it comes to confronting her, I don't know that I'd let her know about the camera. I would maybe just tell her that you know she's cheating and avoid the how you know.

As for your issues with not lasting long and leaving her sexually frustrated. While penetration is great in its own way, there are many other sexual activities that can be even better, and that will lead to her being more sexually satisfied, regardless of how long you last. Fingers, tongue, hands, toys are all things you can use on her that will fulfill her sexually and don't require you to last any longer.

You also should consider seeing a doctor, probably a male since you were so uncomfortable with the female ones, to see if there's anything you can do to help with your issues. There might be medications, or techniques you can use, that will help you last longer.

While I don't, in any way, condone her cheating, I can also see how she might have done it. You are sexually inexperienced, but from other men, your description could easily be an example of selfishness on his part. If she felt that you were being selfish by not trying to help her orgasm, I can see how she might go to that extreme. Have you talked to her about the fact that she's the only woman you've ever slept with? If not, that's a rather good place to start.

Maybe, too, some instructive videos would help. You could learn what to do to please her that doesn't require penetration so that sex would become more than what it is now. And if you start doing things that please her, she may give up the other man, especially if she is only with him out of sexual frustration.

Lastly, in your confusion you hint at the possibility of letting her have her lover, because you want her to be happy. You deserve happiness, too. And you need to be very careful about letting her have her lover, because if you're not truly comfortable with it, eventually you will grow to resent her and that will come out in other aspects of your relationship that are so good right now. I would not jump too fast on this idea, if I were you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
851 Posts
1) Most woman can't climax from penile/vaginal intercourse. You could easily bring her to orgasm by using a vibrator and oral sex.
2) Loving sex is a completely different kind of sex than just physical sex.
3) Watch porn, either alone or with her. You'll pick up some techniques.
4) Satisfying her "needs" with another man is cheating and a betrayal of your marital vows. She should have come to you before engaging in that dispicable behavior (especially in your marrital bed).
5) Get tested for STD's immediately
6) If you want to know if your child is really yours, do a Google search for a DNA lab. You can have a test done for a few hundred dollars and you will get the results in a few days.
7) The unprotected sex w/ another man could become a problem (pregnancy or STD).
It's clearly time to have an honest conversation with your wife. Your marriage will either improve, end or be renegotiated. Goodluck and keep us posted of your progress.
I must be a freak of nature, because I have copious orgams from intercourse AND clitoral stimulation.
It seems like Andy's wife underestimated the sexual challenges of a disabled spouse.Everyone wants to paint her as The Evil Cheater. I wish people would try to sympathize with a wife that only gets 30 second sex. That must be very difficult for her.
Andy, I think you and your wife need to separate. Sexually, this marriage was over before it even began. My heart aches for your masculine pride.
Even though the cheating is understandable, it is still a HUGE breach of trust, especially with NO CONDOM and in your own bed! Did you ever consider that perhaps you're not meant to have another child with your wife?
It's time to regain your self esteem with therapy. Divorce your wife who obviously cannot handle your CP.
I wish you strength, my dear.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
The most disturbing part of this is not so much what happened but your wife's casual dismissal that "you wouldn't understand" when obviously, you have an ability to empathasize with her position.

First of all, you can't be too hard on yourself. There are a lot of men who can't last for long.

Second of all, you are putting too much of this on you.

You know what? Anger can be a positive emotion - you need to get angry a bit here.

Your wife sounds sexually lazy to me actually. She needs to tell you what she needs from you and work with what she has - physically and emotionally. Because that's what we alll do when we are married, right?

Sex from a guy is more than just a hard penis and rapid and hard thrusting. It consists of loving each other, seducing each other, culiminating in the intercourse. Honestly, there were times we both wanted it so bad we came in like 20-30 seconds. Or sometimes not at all (yes, even for a guy).

Yeah, I can sort of dig an open marriage but to me, that sort of thing should start before cheating, not after.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
First off you should most definetly talk to her, and confront her. regardless of your problems in your sex life, or whatever it is still wrong of her to cheat. if she wants to be with someone else she should end it with you. bottom line. now, like some pp's said sex can include many many things. i will be very honest with you, i would not be satisfied by a minute or two of sex...and believe me it's not rare for men to last over 6 mins. my dh usually goes 30 mins to an hr depending on how we feel. if all you are giving her is 2 mins of sex, even everyday that is not enough, period. now with that being said you have a disability preventing certain things during sex, as a woman i could understand this but could not survive off only a couple mins here and there so if nothing else was being done like fingering, playing, licking, toy usage then i would probably end the relationship or ask for an open marriage. maybe i seem harsh but to me sex is about alot more than physical sex, it is about WANTING to satisfy the other person, i think if you tried different things with her then both of you would be more satisfied. i wouldn't leave my dh if something happened like an accident or like your case and he couldn't perform, but unless his hand are chopped off then i would be mad if he didn't try to make me satisfied in other ways. and i'm sorry but her masturbating is really of no concern to you, people, almost all people do this. are you really saying YOU don't? i dunno. i think BOTH of you should put in more effort, but YES YES YES confront her and tell her you know about the affair.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
I am so sorry Andy... I literally choked back tears when I read this.

Your wife lied to you. She cheated on you. She broke your marriage vows. She disrespected you. I would feel like every time she smiled at me was a secret "f** you" from her to me after that.

Regardless REGARDLESS of her reasons behind it. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. Had she spoken to you about this and you gave your consent, it wouldn't have been cheating as you would have agreed it was ok.

I'm supremely impressed by you that you actually kept a cool head about this. But what I'm not sure about is whether or not I should feel sympathetic or angry with you too. I think it's terrible that she was so unwilling to discuss this with you and the fact that you have a disability that is hindering your sex life. You clearly cannot help this issue. ( I will say that a few videos probably won't hurt though in terms of other techniques that you could employ if you ever want to with her later.)
I'm angry with you though for blaming yourself in this!!! NO WAY is it your fault. NO WAY should she ever have done this.

You absolutely need to confront her on this and put your feelings out there. Don't at all make her feel like what she did was ok. Regardless of her reasons. I know that you see that she may have just needed sex that you couldn't provide, but honey if you're marriage was as great as you think, she should have been able to talk to you about this. The fact that she couldn't and she spit on it by bringing him into YOUR bed is apalling.

I dont' care how great of a mom she is, how great of a wife YOU THINK she is. She has pulled the wool over your eyes and made you think she was gold if you think what she did was in any way ok. I really really hope that you can work this out. You deserve more dignity than that.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
116 Posts
Hi I admire you for trying mate , my relationship has just ended and one of the reasons was no sex life but not because he couldn't because he did not do anything about it in the four years we were together , sounds like you are a real tryer disability or not . hang on to that thought .:smthumbup:
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top