Sorry for the long post, but I really want to explain my story here...Also, if you are easily offended by frank descriptions of a sexual and/or graphical nature, PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER. This posting is NOT meant to be a "sexy story" or to serve as some form of entertainment. This is real life and my true heart, and I am deeply troubled by what has transpired. I am simply looking for answers or advice as to how I can move forward.
I'm a 38 y/o man with a wife and two kids (girl and boy, ages 8 and 3, one hers, and one ours). We've been married for just over four years. We have had been trying to have a baby since we got married, but I have a disability (Cerebral Palsy), and suffer from retrograde ejaculation, long sperm count, motility issues, etc (as well as premature ejaculation). Plus, the CP prevents me from thrusting my hips very quickly or for any real duration. We went through hell and back trying to conceive (TTC), but it was very slow going at first. My CP and related health issues kept getting in the way. I remember how truly humiliated I was after learning that I had failed the sperm penetration SPA (hamster) test. It was especially difficult because our fertility doctor and her OB/GYN were both female. I remember not even being able to look any of the three ladies (my wife or the two doctors) in the eye. It was horrible. In fact, her GYN sensed must have sensed my pain, because she gave me a tight hug as we left.
While we truly love each other very much, our sex life has suffered greatly. IVF treatment has been a total failure. Flashing back to the early part of our marriage, the first time we ever made love (on our honeymoon), I lasted less than 30 seconds. What's more, my wife didn't even know I climaxed. When I told her I was "finished" already, at first she didn't believe me, espesically since there were only a few drops of semen in her vagina. At first, she was really nice about it and just laughed it off as post-wedding jitters.
Early on in our marriage, we tried to get pregnant naturally. Sex was always the same: Very short, and really not that sweet. We tried to work on our sessions for the first few weeks, and nearly all of them had the same general outcome. I remember in particular, after the first week, one of our "sessions" actually lasted just over a minute, and I felt proud of it. However, I just remember her getting up off the bed and locking herself in the bathroom for over an hour. She turned on the shower, and I heard what I thought sounded like a soft moan roughly ten minutes later.
Over the course of the next few weeks, I discovered that she was actually using this bathroom time to masturbate herself to orgasm. I was devastated. When I confronted her on the issue, she just started laughing and walked away saying that I wouldn't understand. Whenever I would bring it up, she would change the subject. I soon realized that sex became an act of sympathy from her, as opposed to a romantic event. Since I don't thrust very hard or very long, I know she doesn't really get anyting out of it.
She doesn't deny herself to me, but she isn't all that enthused about it either. In fact, she often lets me have a "quickie" with her in the mornings before she and I go to work. She is a shift manager at a major manufacturing firm, and she has to be at work sometimes by 6 AM. I, on the other hand, work as a sales rep for a tool company, so I didn't have to be in til 9 AM. The good part is that she can literally be all dressed for work in her pants suit outfit, and all she does is pull down her pants, apply a very small amount of lube, and let me get at it for about a minute or so. When we are "done", she literally just pulls up her pants, and walks out the door. She once told me that I was the first man she'd "been with" where she never has to "rinse out" or "clean up" or anything like that. I really don't know any different, so I really didn't see what the big deal was to begin with. But, I guess there is, in some circles. The point is that she rarely gets fully undressed any more. I almost get the feeling that she doesn't want me to see her fully nude any more. This is what I mean by "sympathetic sex".
So, while I often get a "release", I rarely felt a relationship connection. Sexually speaking, we are very distant. Otherwise, we had what appears to be a great marriage. We buy each other presents for Christmas, Birthdays, you name it. We go out to dinner and a movie (date night) often enough. She is a great mother to our children, and indeed I am a father to her children. I truly love them both. I love her, and I know she loves me. But... She recently started acting kind of secretive, and I recently found a couple of pregnancy tests in our bathroom waste basket next to the toilet. They were both negative.
She never told me that she thought she might be pregnant. So, I had a feeling she might be straying. So I setup a hidden webcam in our bedroom to prove me wrong. It is a wireless HD webcam that streams to a spare laptop in our home office. It just records that bedroom for days at a time. 500 gig drives are cheap now, so I review it from time to time when she is at work.
(WARNING TO SOME READERS! The following two paragraphs are a tad graphic, but in my opinion very necessary to relate in my story. PLEASE SKIP DOWN TWO PARAGRAPHS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED!)
Well, I just recently caught her in the act on video (about a month ago). Without being too terribly graphic, let's just say that they both had a lot of fun. They were both completely nude, he was on top, and they did not use a condom. After looking at the video several times, it looks like penetration to ejaculation for him took just over 6 minutes, and he was thrusting his hips quite fast (atleast compared to me). I am still personally quite stunned. I seriously did not know that someone could move their hips that fast and last that long. I mean it wasn't like really fast, but a whole lot faster than I could ever move, let me tell you. I could also hear her moan three seperate times during the act. She's NEVER moaned with me. NOT EVER. Perhaps they were orgasms? I don't know. While I am deeply devastated, I am actually not ready to "kill this guy". In fact, I almost feel sorry for my wife. There was almost no kissing. In fact, he really doesn't spend too much time with her breasts or anything like that (which is surprising because she is a double D). He just mostly went right to her pelvic area. The video shows that they were already naked by the time she got into view of the camera and actually laid down on the bed -- it dosen't show any undressing -- so that probably took place in another room. From the looks of what I saw on the video, I don't think she loves him, but what do I know? Atleast, that's what I want to believe. All I could tell is that she was very satisfied in the end (at least physically speaking) -- and so was he!
I mean, I am trying to justify it in my mind by saying that it was just sex. I mean, after he was done, he quickly put his clothes back on while she stayed in bed until he left. About five minutes later, from the sound on the video, it appears that she moaned to herself, but this time a lot more softly. The camera audio barely picked up the sound. What's also interesting is that, when she finally got out of bed, the HD camera picked up what appeared to be some strands of string or lint in her pubic hair (it was whitish strands). I froze the image and tried to do digital zoom in, but I couldn't make out exactly what it was, as it was pixelated. Very strange. Maybe someone on here could explain what the white strands are, because I don't know. Our sheets are a tan color, so I don't know what white lint would be doing there, but oh well. The last thing I saw was her walking towards our master bathroom. I could hear the shower running in background, and that's when I decided to stop watching. I was too hurt!
I am curious. I wonder how long this has truly been going on? Looking back, I remember when the doctors had her on clomid, she became very "driven" sexually as a result. In fact, after she was on clomid for about 3 months, she told me that she was very sexually frustrated. I really didn't pick up on her signals that could be perceived as a subtle cry for help. I just remember back about three years ago, on June 13th, 2007, she announced that she was pregnant. I was so overjoyed! At the time, she seemed a tad less joyful, but I really didn't think much of it. I assumed that the whole experience was maybe too overwhelming or even anti-clamatic for her.
I also remember, later on, when she was well into her pregnancy, I came home early from work one afternoon, and noticed that the toilet seat was up in our master bathroom. Further, the toilet was full of urine, and I even saw a couple of what looked like pubic hairs floating in the bowl. At the time, I didn't think much of it really. I just used the toilet myself and then flushed. I actually remember seeing a similar type of thing two other times during that year. So I am now forced to ask myself if our son is actually mine (not that it really matters now anyway -- I love him so much!)?
I guess I have several questions here: 1) I feel that our trust has been violated. But, I also feel like I understand WHY she did it. Is this normal? I mean, I want her to be happy with all my heart. Surely if I'm not cutting sexually, she deserves better than to live like a freaking monk all her life. 2) I watched a very intimate act between my wife and her lover. While I actually felt within my right to do so, I was also very curious. She is the only woman I've ever had sexual intercourse with, and so I don't know what other sex looks like (I've never watched porn). So I am truly at a loss in this department.
Anyway, I feel a little dirty, guilty, angry, and disgusted inside. Are these feelings normal, or am I a total loon? 3) Should I confront her? I mean, of course I am pissed, but I don't want her to leave me. In fact, she's my life! She's all I have (other than the kids). Her ex-husband is a complete a-- and will have no further contact with the daughter they had together. So, I have taken everyone in and accepted both kids as my own.
Other than the sexual aspect, our lives are quite good. We are stable, and she remains very loving towards me. I think they are using each other for sex and nothing more. But, I am very concerned about possible STDs and obviously pregnancy. On the one hamd, I think she's being very selfish. On the other, if a few minutes of pleasure every week makes her happy -- and we can still have a good marraige otherwise -- then maybe I can learn to live with that. Although, I don't want her to stay with me just because she feels sorry for me! That would be wrong. Oh God, I don't know what to do. It's clear she doesn't use condoms. Maybe her lover doesn't like them. Whatever the case, these issues are very real and dangerous. Any thoughts? Please comment. Thanks.
