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Discussion Starter #1
I've read a lot of these forums, and can't seem to see anyone improving their situation. My wife, I love her, but she doesn’t even like me touching her. We have been married almost 3 years; have a 5 month old son. I'm gone on contracts to the middle east 2 months at a time and when I get home, we have sex once... then I'm begging the entire time I'm home. Before the baby, same thing. I worked away from home a lot, but she always made it seem like it’s a bother or we have enough sex. I have come to my wits end! Since we have been married (and even before), she is always sick, always has an upset stomach. Always tired, always "not in the mood" or other excuses. She is either playing sick or making excuses. I can tell from the time I wake up in the morning that she is lining up the whole day to avoid intimacy... Her tone, her first words of the morning, "oh, I feel tired..my stomach hurts.." I'm defeated! I have tired ignoring her advances then telling her "how does that feel", asking more often. Romance, talking to her and finally demanding sex. Nothing works. A year ago, before we decided to have our son, I took a newer strategy that still makes me sick to my stomach. First, I was able to have more time at home then ever. We are young, she is 29, and I’m 32... I decided that I was just not going to make any advances. We talked, she said there was to much pressure, so I said, "ok, I' won’t ask or make advances." For the next 5 months, we had sex 8 times. Mostly because I would try to get her intoxicated just to initiate. I'm wasting my youth. I fear that I'll just get old and never feel intimacy with her and have no connection. We did have that at first, but its long gone. Now with the baby, I feel trapped. I love my son, but I'm becoming numb to all my responsibilities. On top of all this, she ignores me when I call. She loves the money that I make, but that’s all I know. My wife can't even have a solo conversation with me in an intimate fashion. I bought her some "toys" a week ago, she has not mentioned much about them, except that she opened the box, and asked if I wanted it used on me. She joked, but somehow I feel like she thinks I'm really the joke. I'm a tough guy. I really have a dangerous job and when it comes to my family etc.. I don't act aggressive, and sometimes I make it a point to be the opposite. I joke around a lot too. But I am very well adjusted and you'd never know the things I deal with. All those things don’t even come close to how frustrated she makes me...If anybody here can tell me what has worked, I'd appreciate that, and so would my wife, because I'm very close to doing what I need to, to enjoy my life as a young guy. There are plenty of good looking women who make advances toward me. I'm just sick of waiting for my wife to get "better" or for her to spice things up on her own.
 

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If you're interested in saving your marriage, which it seems you may be, you & your wife could try counseling? Maybe she's depressed for some strange reason. And also, unfortunately, with you being gone all of the time, I'd try to rule out an affair. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. My husband and I have this same problem... I am the wife being begged. Unfortunately, our marriage is in much more trouble at this point, due to reasons you can find in my other thread... but the truth of the matter is I am not and have not been happy for a long time now. Neither has he. I hope that you can get to the bottom of whatever your wife's issue is and figure out either a solution that will help you heal or resolve your marriage in a respectable manner. Good luck!!
 

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The vast majority of men on these boards who are able to maintain a consistent sexual relationship with their wives are the one's who won't tolerate living in a sexless relationship.

Subconsciously, there's clearly some underlying biological principle at work

Look at Nature...as a rule, no male animal is gifted sex. It takes work. Rams crush each others skulls. Lions use their claws and teeth. And the one left standing at the end...gets the girl.

Pretty brutal...but thats the way it seems to work.

In humans, if you'll tolerate living in a sexless relationship...whether you tolerate it graciously and never say a thing or tolerate it like a passive-aggressive, petulant child...by your tolerance...you haven't really "earned the right" to sex

(and at its heart...that's the unattractive, libido-killng energy at play...the tolerance)

Whereas, if you're really willing to walk away from the relationship...and that requires not using "divorce" as some dramatic, but ultimately hollow threat...

but really meaning it...(calmly and inexorably)...well, then either way...

whether your wife suddenly discovers her libido again..or whether your marriage must end...you've earned your right to sex again

Seriously...we are "humans"...built on an "animal frame"...so while it "feels more complicated"...the reality is that the laws that operate in lives of bulls and tigers are the same ones at play in human sexual relationships too...we just refuse to accept this

But it'd be easier if we did
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thanks, I'll take the time to read more. I'm just planning my next move. I've mentioned a couples counselor, she has called this person, but not been able to schedule anything. Essentially, my wife is not following through with it because she doesn't care. I'm going to tell her on Monday that either she gets to a therapist or I'm taking my son and I on a solo vacation so she can sit and be miserable on her own at home. I highly doubt her being able to cheat, I can't see how she would have the time.. But, maybe there are other signs?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Indiaink:
I do believe, in some way, I've emasculated myself by being nice and not making any waves around my wife with family/friends etc.. I'm known as a really nice guy. The problem is, I need that hardened credibility back in a smaller way, before threatening divorce. Mad as I am, I'm not perfect and would like to reorganize her perception of me. Its a fine balance unfortunately for me, as I need her to be independent at home and keep things together while I'm at work. I can really appreciate your comparison. Just a shame I can't go bust some heads and get respect! My wife is the type of person that is very competitive. Last time I came home, it was my third day. That night, she wanted to have sex. I was ready, but I caught her watching TV, I told her.. Never mind, watch your show. I called it off. This is after about 3 1/2 months of no sex...! She was sorry, she cried, but guess what. I folded after she apologized, we had sex and I felt afterwards like she was gloating a bit.. Like she had beaten me. I might just be paranoid, as 3 years of this cat-n-mouse game can do that! Either way, I hope playing hardball will give her some bit of a reality check that I don’t end up regretting.
 

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Could it be a self esteem issue for her? Does she have weight issues or something else that she feels is unsexy?

Is there something she's depressed about, or does she have resentment towards you for something?

I believe there are only so many reasons for these types of sexual issues. She could just have a very low drive, and it's not a priority for her. She could have been overly preached at about sex being wrong growing up, so therefore it feels shameful to her and not enjoyable.

I guess the only other possibility is that she could be selfish, or use it like a manipulation tool.

I think you should tell her that it's essential for a healthy marriage. Ask her to think about why it's not a priority for her. If the marriage is decent and she's generally happy, she should consider your needs.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Hehasmyheart:
My wife is beautiful and Latin. If you’re not familiar with their culture, beauty is everything. Hair, nails etc.. Insecurity is part of all that, but most of her friends (Latin) have seemingly normal sex lives. She did mention possibly some abuse when she was young and a mother who warned her that "she would know if they had sex" and that she would get pregnant etc.. The usual warning. I've told my wife how important our sex life is, she agrees. But, when it comes down to it, she doesn't seem to want to deal with it. I recently told her I would wait for her to clear this all up, help her out.. But, I'm not so certain that would be good for me. I can't contain myself. Even with her slightest rude comment or even little indiscretions, I get immediately upset and stop communicating with her. My patients are worn and I don't look forward to spending time with her. I have even contemplated working more so maybe she would regret not making the most out of what time we do have together. I would really hate to think she is selfish, but with so many tactics she uses and excuses, I’m not sure I can see through the fog.
 

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Are you okay with the idea of your wife leaving you?

If you aren't, I have no advice and no one will be able to help. If you are ok with the idea of her leaving then there are some easy things you can do.
 

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It sounds like resentment is building then, and this could make more problems.

It's easy to take things for granted. I'd say improve on yourself for a confidence boost, and don't lower yourself to begging her. Begging will only turn her off. Also, try not to pout. Just try to be a good neutral balance.

Look online for a clitoral stimulator and use it in foreplay the next time. 2/3 of women can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
My wife always has an orgasm 90% of the time... You would think that alone would be incentive. I do have resentment but it’s becoming very close to apathy. I think I'll just get a masters degree online. Its all I have time for. I'm going to make sure when I get home, my body is lean just to make her jealous. Either way, I'm going to give her an ultimatum with seeing a therapist. I've been asking her for 2 years to get some help. She might have some anxiety issue.. I really don't know. I bring it up and she gets angry, says she isn't crazy.. Her mother is on meds for some imbalance. I hope that’s not my wife’s' problem. I did buy my wife a toy, asked her to use it. I figured it would be something she would be excited about. I've not heard a thing about it. Its been in the house atleast a week..... She can't be that busy!
 

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My wife always has an orgasm 90% of the time... You would think that alone would be incentive. I do have resentment but it’s becoming very close to apathy. I think I'll just get a masters degree online. Its all I have time for. I'm going to make sure when I get home, my body is lean just to make her jealous. Either way, I'm going to give her an ultimatum with seeing a therapist. I've been asking her for 2 years to get some help. She might have some anxiety issue.. I really don't know. I bring it up and she gets angry, says she isn't crazy.. Her mother is on meds for some imbalance. I hope that’s not my wife’s' problem. I did buy my wife a toy, asked her to use it. I figured it would be something she would be excited about. I've not heard a thing about it. Its been in the house atleast a week..... She can't be that busy!
This is not good. I feel you, though.
 

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Depression can lessen desire.

Maybe look up some new techniques to try, couldn't hurt. Do keep in mind that clitoral stimulation is needed for most women. This is VERY important.
 

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First of all.

Don't ever threaten divorce...if you don't really mean it.

And honestly...the energy behind it can't be "this is a threat".

Instead it's got to be more like: this is the cold reality, this is what must happen if you insist on this being a sexless marriage.

That's what I mean by being calm and inexorable.

Inexorable.

I love that word. And it connotes a very specific mindset to me..

It means...that something will happen...MUST happen...is unavoidable...given certain circumstances.

There's no hesitating or second guessing. It is a strong and resolute feeling.

So...if you haven't reached the point of inexorability over this sexual issue...don't bother with a divorce threat.

The "threat" won't give you what you want (at least, not with any permanence)

I'm sorry...I feel like my "advice" here seems vague...but that's only because this stuff is SUBTLE...

What it all boils down to is Power.

Who has the power in your relationship?

From what you write, things like: "All those things (i.e. the stresses and things I've endured as a soldier) don’t even come close to how frustrated she makes me"

It seems pretty clear that your wife has all of the power.

If this is case...her sexual desire and attraction for you will plummet...and she really has no conscious control over this...it is all a part of that "animal frame" I was talking about

Females (of any species)...are attracted to powerful males (b/c on a biological level, they're the ones that "deserve" to reproduce")....but like I said...we're not conscious of this...so all she knows is what she feels...and that's an aversion to sex with you

The biggest way that you get back your power is by becoming "indifferent". That could entail being: Indifferent to her allure as woman...indifferent to sex with her...indifferent to the marriage

(You know how men don't like or respect "easy" women? well, the truth is, that totally works both ways...women aren't attracted to men that are "too easy"..."too wrapped around their finger")

Really, no human ever values anything that comes to easily to them...so DETACH YOURSELF...and see what effect that has...

plenty of books on this stuff too:

Married Man Sex Life (big one advocated on these forums)

No More Mr. Nice Guy (another big one)

Walking on Eggshells

and probably loads more, I'm unaware of...and they can offer you more concrete behavioral changes you can make in your daily interactions with your wife...

but what you'll find is...those behavioral changes relate back to things I've mentioned...animal behavior and POWER

Good luck. if you search these forums for a little bit...at least you can rest assured that you're hardly alone...
 

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NP,
Does your W have a full time job? Did she work full time before the baby?

Forget the orgasm thing for the moment, you have a much bigger issue, she doesn't respect you.


My wife always has an orgasm 90% of the time... You would think that alone would be incentive. I do have resentment but it’s becoming very close to apathy. I think I'll just get a masters degree online. Its all I have time for. I'm going to make sure when I get home, my body is lean just to make her jealous. Either way, I'm going to give her an ultimatum with seeing a therapist. I've been asking her for 2 years to get some help. She might have some anxiety issue.. I really don't know. I bring it up and she gets angry, says she isn't crazy.. Her mother is on meds for some imbalance. I hope that’s not my wife’s' problem. I did buy my wife a toy, asked her to use it. I figured it would be something she would be excited about. I've not heard a thing about it. Its been in the house atleast a week..... She can't be that busy!
 

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Discussion Starter #16
NP,
Does your W have a full time job? Did she work full time before the baby?

Forget the orgasm thing for the moment, you have a much bigger issue, she doesn't respect you.
She works full time, always has. She did have 4 months off after the baby was born.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Females (of any species)...are attracted to powerful males (b/c on a biological level, they're the ones that "deserve" to reproduce")....but like I said...we're not conscious of this...so all she knows is what she feels...and that's an aversion to sex with you

The biggest way that you get back your power is by becoming "indifferent". That could entail being: Indifferent to her allure as woman...indifferent to sex with her...indifferent to the marriage

(You know how men don't like or respect "easy" women? well, the truth is, that totally works both ways...women aren't attracted to men that are "too easy"..."too wrapped around their finger")

Really, no human ever values anything that comes to easily to them...so DETACH YOURSELF...and see what effect that has...plenty of books on this stuff too:


Totally agree, its not easy but she really leaves me no choice! I've been graceful, but its biting me in the a$$. I have already told her that I refuse and will not live with her like she is a roommate, but she always seems to make me just happy enough not to leave. I play into that, and not being home much always leaves that feeling that I’ll just be gone soon anyways.
 

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She did mention possibly some abuse when she was young and a mother who warned her that "she would know if they had sex" and that she would get pregnant etc..
Child sex abuse or sexual assault fit her behavior. If she did experience abuse or assault she will need good solid therapy. Your marriage will not improve without her first dealing with the abuse/assault.

Her mother may have instilled a lot of toxic shame in her, and it could be part of the problem. If so she needs some individual therapy. Couples therapy on top of that will be needed too.

I tend to believe she was sexually abused as a child because what you describe is pretty textbook. Her issues will only get deeper and worse with time. And it will affect all areas of her life. It will affect her parenting, her money management, etc.

You being a self-described Nice Guy is a pretty classic match with the woman with a CSA history. Dysfunction pairs with dysfunction. You should read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. There are forums too over at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin which may help.

You have a right to a normal healthy sexual marriage. Her behavior is far from normal. You can't be her therapist but you can help her see the need for her to get therapy. But don't tell her she needs therapy. Instead set boundaries and expectations. You expect to have a normal marriage. You will not stay in a marriage with a woman who is not working towards meaningful improvement. You are open to suggestions from her. You are seeking counseling yourself and you desire her to attend marriage counseling with you. Make a MC appointment and tell her when it is. She may say she isn't going, but there is a good chance she will decide at the last minute to go with you.
 

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I highly doubt her being able to cheat, I can't see how she would have the time.. But, maybe there are other signs?
Dude,

You seriously think she doesn't have time to cheat? You're gone for months at a time. I'm guessing she does not work. What does she do all day?

I know taking care of a young child is work, but it's not all day every day. You don't think she could have a guy over while the baby is asleep (or awake, it's not like the baby's going to tattle at that age)? You don't think she has a friend / network / relatives who can help out in a pinch when she has personal business (say, a doctor's appointment) or just "needs a break"?

You need to do a few things...

1) Have a talk with her. You already had a few words with her about her attitude. You need to have another one where she knows that this dynamic (where you are just basically her sponsor - forgotten while you're gone and inconvenient while you're home) does not work for you and it stops - today.

I'm not being a jerk here. I understand that it's tough being the sole caregiver for a young child. But she is by no means a single parent - you cover the bills and are home regularly. She lives well off your hard work and sacrifice (being away from your child). The trade-off for that is she needs to keep the home and meet your needs when you're around. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

2) You need to protect yourself in case this ends badly. That means you find a job locally where you work during the day and come home every night if at all possible. Yeah, I get that may mean a pay cut, but that's part of the deal. Right now, you run the risk of being a parent that's not around regularly, and as a result has low physical custody and high alimony and child support responsibilities.

You will be much better off being in town and able to be a full 50% parent to your child. You and your child both will benefit from a high level of physical closeness and a tight relationship. Secondarily, your obligation to your wife (if she leaves) will be much lower if you are a full 50% parent.

Yeah, your wife may not like it, but her potential displeasure with you being home more should not stop you. If her problem with you is that you are rarely around, then she might see this as an improvement. If you being around more is in itself a problem for her, then she doesn't even like you much (or was screwing around) and her opinion doesn't count.

ETA: I see where you wrote she works F/T. If she really is burned out from having too much on her plate, that is probably the best reason for you to scale back and be home more. Get your budget to a point where you can get by on less, ASAP.
 

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To recap, you have always been away and she was never really into sex...... except for when you both met and on few occasion there is passion.

I think she hooked you for the security and stability of a pay check. I also think her passion is being spent elswere. I hear latin chick are pretty passionate.

If it was me I would quitely investigate the possiblity of her cheating, there by ruling it out and focusing on another mental possiblity.

Have you looked up the red flags that occure when a spouse cheats?

Sorry if this seems over the top, but dude your never home so how would you know?

I mean there just seems like there isn't any emotional attachment here, and we all know *most* chick need that for them to have a decent sexual connection.

I hope I'm wrong and you can rule it out...but if not it would answer alot of questions.
 
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