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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I just got married a few weeks ago. I'm totally in love with my wife. I love her very deeply.

The process of planning the wedding was tough because she got into a very heated argument with my mother because we planned the wedding for the same date as my mothers art show she does every year. My mother sent a very rude email to my, then, fiance.

Since then my mom has apologized over and over and ended up throwing us a rehearsal dinner that was amazing.

But because of all of that, my wife hates being around my family.

Some background about our families.

My family - Very close. Live all in the same town. Parents live beside my mid-80s Grandparents. We all goto church together and spend Sunday's together. Sometimes the folks over at my Grandparents number around 20.

Her family - Not close at all. Parents are each divorced twice and both are remarried. Sister is divorced and remarried. Grandparents, except one grandfather, are all passed away.

My family loves to be with her and loves to include her in things. My Grandparents simply adore her and wish they could see her more often. But they have all said they feel like I have married a complete stranger because she rarely likes to be around everyone.

Having said that, I often get from my wife "I am your family now. You should be spending time with me, not them." I'm not asking for an incredible amount of time with my family.

We are spending our first Christmas together at home alone. I'm really looking forward to that. Christmas Eve, her family is coming up for a dinner. Her family lives across town from my family and we live about 4 hours away, so her family will be driving up 4 hours to eat with us.

I decided that we would go to my parents house 4 days after Christmas and spend New Years with my family. We're gonna take the train so that we can relax and talk to each other. Maybe sleep a little if we want. I thought it would be fun.

Also, there is a Japanese family that we are good friends with that are coming to stay at my parents house. We haven't seen them in 6 or 7 years. My wife knows that.

So this morning when I emailed her about the plans, she said that she doesn't want to be away for 5 days and would rather drive so we can leave when we want to. She only wants to spend 1 or 2 days tops with my family.

Understand this though. Every time I say we are seeing my family, she wants to know when, how long, and when we can leave. She makes me set a time for us to leave and it's usually about and hour or 2 earlier than I want to leave. After we leave she picks on my family members and speaks badly about them. Sometimes she does this in front of her family. I would never and have never done that about her family.

I have never told her that we aren't seeing her family. I have even offered to stay at her parents house longer so she can see her family more. Everytime she wants to see them, I always agree and never ask her when we are leaving or how long do we have to be there.

My feelings are a little hurt that she doesn't like my family and doesn't want me to spend time with them. I know part of this is because she just isn't close to her family. Everytime that I want to bring her to a family function, she claims that it is my mother that is influencing me to go or my mother making me feel guilty for not being there. I think my wife thinks, since we are married, my family should no longer be that important to me.

We have been going to a premarital councilor and have agreed to keep going for a few more sessions. We've been to about 10 sessions now and they have all dealt with my mother or my family nearly because my wife has so many issues being around them.

I have no clue what to do. Like I said, I don't ask for much time with them. After Christmas, I doubt that we'd see them until Feb sometime. Maybe later.

Anyone have any ideas?
 

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Your wife may be intimidated/overwhelmed by the closeness and size of your family. No matter how freindly or welcoming a group is, it isn't easy being the new person among so many people who have a shared history. And some people just don't like socializing in large groups. (I am one of those) I know that I would be uncomfortable spending 5 days in such close proximity to so many people I don't know well.

Try spending time with just your parents or a few cousins or siblings at a time and let her get comfortable with them in a small group setting first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well....spending time with just a few people in my family is a good option, but won't really work because my whole family lives really close together.

We just had a huge fight on the phone about all of this. I even shaved a day off of the weekend and she was still getting mad that it we weren't leaving when she wants to. She's acting so spoiled.

What really hurts my feelings is that I would never get between her family and her spending time with them. But when I say we are spending time with my family, she loses her mind and gets really edgy and irritated.

Maybe it is that she is intimidated by them. But does that give her the right to never want to bbe around them? No. We're married and she can't pretend that I don't have a family just because she doesn't want to be around them.

All I'm asking for is 4 days and you'd think it was 4 years from how she's acting.

I seriously need some help on this.
 

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I come from a "Walton" type family as well. My husband not so much. Him not wanting to got to family function s use to bug me too. But we finally came to the decision if I want to go see them he doesn't have to go too. He goes sometimes but I go at least half the time by myself. Maybe that would help here?
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It is quite possible that your wife never got over what your mother did.

Since she is not used to a close knit family, your clan might seem intrusive and overly tight to her.

While I agree that your wife should come first, I also think that she needs to compromise.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I totally get that my family seems overwhelming to her. I honestly don't blame her. That's not what I'm mad about, though.

I'm pretty sure she isn't over my the issue with my mom either. My wife does hold a grudge big time, and she hates when someone does something wrong to her. She has said in the past that she would love to see my mom beg for forgiveness. But that was right after it happened when none of us were speaking to each other.

We just got off the phone and have sorta patched things up.

What I explained to her was this....

My family all lives 4 hours away. None of them have the money or time to make the drive up to see us. Her family has come up several times and her sister lives an hour away. So to see my family it is, in essence, a bigger production.

She understood that and it makes sense. It is just more difficult to see my family than it is hers. And so when she puts a strict time limit on how long we can be there with my family, it makes for a very stressful combination.

Does anyone have any idea how to make it easier on her with being with my family?

Another part of the issue is that we have only been going home for the big holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. So when we are there, it is my WHOLE family. Not just mom and dad and sister. It's everyone. So I've asked her if, in the future, we can just go home on a weekend where nothing crazy is happening. Hangout with just my sister and her husband/baby, and then go see my wife's folks.

I just need some opinions on how to make it through several years of this. Like I said, we're 2.5 weeks in and things just blew up.
 

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Ah the whole Mother in law versus daughter in law thing!

Through the years of talking to friends and family I have definitley picked up on that the majority of the time (not all the time) the guys Mother and his wife will never be comfortable with each other and of course the guy getting caught in the middle.

Your wife may be feels when your Mother sent the rude email to her that she may also have said not so nice things about her to the rest of your family since they are so close. She'll never know so that probably makes her uncomfortable being around them all at once.
Im sure she doesnt hate them may be just feels uneasy round them.

I have to admit I wouldnt really like the 4 day thing either but as they live four hours away I can see why you would make your visit longer. Are you staying at a hotel or B&B when yu go? If not then I can see why that would make things worse from her point.

Both our families live close but we have to make all the effort to visit them. Like you when 'we' visit my family (which as a we isnt very often') my husband doesnt say anything about timescale as he knows I will never stay late, plus I always tend to say to him we'll leave roughly about whatever time. However when we go to visit my husbands family he would have us sitting there to the early hours of the morning. I dont feel as if I can stand up and say 'we're going to go', that has to be his part. So I to tend to ask him about times too. Plus his Mum puts us on the spot all the time by inviting us here there and everywhere which is thoughtful but my husband says 'yes' to her all the time forgetting about us or my family and then if I say 'no' first then I look like the bad guy.

I dont get a lot of time off work at the holidays so although I dont mind visiting families its very important that I get some quality alone time with husband too.

I agree too that your wife should come first but she shouldnt stop you from seeing your family but may be she isnt. Perhaps you should go see your family by yourself and she should do the same and see how that works.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Good answer on your previous message.

By big holidays I mean Christmas, Thanksgiving, and maybe 4th of July because we shoot off fireworks at our lake house.

I think all in all, we'd go see my family about every other month. Between Jan and March we wouldn't go see my family at all. So I don't think I'm being irrational here.

Like I said, I'd never come between her and her family, and I kinda expect the same thing in return.

Most of this, I suspect, all stems from my mother and that email. And yes, my mother did go and carry on about to our family. So that may be part of it too.

But since then my mom has been very very nice and has done some nice things for us. My family has also been very welcoming and nice to my wife as well. But she is just very stand-off-ish.

I do know that when we have problems, my wife will call up her dad, sister, and step-mom and tell them. So I'm usually always portrayed as the bad guy there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Neither of you should be discussing marriage problems with family members. Respect the privacy of your union.
You are right. Indeed. And that is what I do normally.

The way that my sister worded it is that the family will never like your spouse if you always tell them the bad stuff. So I hardly ever mention anything bad with our relationship. Which is why I'm on here.

Still, that does not address this issue at hand.
 

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My family and friends are so close to me and I love to see them all and enjoy spending time with them. I was married for 29 years, my wife past away on the last day of 2007. I eventually started dating and met someone in August 2008, we were married one year later. At first I saw some signs that caused me to be concerned, don't like this friend, oh no, don't like this family member. But when it started getting down to my children (all grown except one a senior in high school), anyway, when she continued to say negative things about my boys, we started to argue, she truly believes that her boys are better than mine and competes about these facts. Well the point is I rarely get to see my boys, I have complained to all my friends and family about my situation and the end result is, my new wife has no compassion for my feelings or family and friends, only for her kids adult children and her parents. With that said, I tried to suggest counseling on several occasions always an excuse, no no. Now I bought an online book from a counselor, who is world known: Couple's Therapist Exposes The Horrific 75% Failure Rate Of Traditional Couple's Therapy, she refuses to read, needless to say we are on the verge on divorce and really I'm ready. I have lost all communication with my family and friends i one had and I'm ready to get that back. The best part of our relationship is the sex, I want Love too
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
That's rough.

You may be onto something there. Some of these types of things we have talked about in our counseling sessions. Insulting my family is a big deal to me and she really needs to stop. Her most recent comment was "I'll have my cat put to sleep if you put your mom to sleep." I didn't laugh at that because I know how much she dislikes my mom. She also said it in front of her family. They all looked kind of shocked.

She has said some things about her niece being beautiful and great and awesome, and then she looks at me and says "Isn't she?" and then waits for a response. Eventually I had to tell her that I have a niece too and I love her very much. But I would never put her on the spot in front of my sister and make her agree with me. Everyone is biased about their own family.

However, I think saying and doing things to make your family seem more superior is just so wrong.

I've addressed this issue with her twice and it hasn't happened in months. We're still a young couple and are learning to live together and learning to be married.

I have a little worry about the divorce rate in her family. Her mom is divorced twice, dad once, and sister once. We've both told each other we are not going to let that happen to us. And I doubt it will. At one time I think she was worried that no one would ever be able to love her because of her attitude and chip on her shoulder towards a lot of things. But she's changed a lot since we've started dating and gotten married.

We've known each other since high school, 10+ years ago, and reconnected by chance on Facebook. I flew from Texas to VA for our first date and that sealed the deal. I moved to VA about a month later.
 

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I understand, I loved my first wife with all my heart and it was the hardest thing in the World to loose her, a part of me died with her.

I met her when we were 16 and had all the ups and downs that all couples have. I wrote a book about it: "A Genuine Blessing" it's more of a spiritual thing for my own soul, but a good story, I'm originally from Louisiana (family in Texas too) live in Florida now.

My new wife has insulted me and my family for the last time. One of my best friends said it best: "when it's over be the first one to say so and make a move, it will fell so much better". I understand what he's saying but it is so hard to build a relationship to just let it all die. My situation with my new bride will not change, we have had the conversation over and over about not commenting on my boys, but it continues and I believe she uses it to upset me. Who knows, her whole problem could Menopausal? But she was married for 25 years and left her husband once her boys were both adults, so that pretty much says it all, no compassion, no commitment, goes full circle. I wish you the best with your relationship, try that link you answer a few questions related to your particular situation and they come up with a solution, click off like your leaving when they make you an offer and they will give the same offer for $1. BTW, i could care less who sees this now, check out a product I invented years ago, that I'm now dedicating everything I have to it, google: Spiker Beach Holder, watch the video :) Best to you man, this helped me, Thanks! JB
 

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tk421jag

I have a few questions.

Since you do not go visit your family often, how frequently do you call your mother?

Do you ever stand up to your wife when you feel she is wrong, or do you just try to keep the peace and eventually let her have her way?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Let's see...

I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving. I hardly ever call her. Maybe once every two weeks. Maybe longer. She emails me from time to time and usually is always on Facebook.

I always stand up to my wife. Sometimes she admits she is wrong and sometimes she freaks out and we get into a big fight. I don't let her just have her way, I assure you of that. That is kind of how all of this started, because I put my foot down.
 

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I think it's normal and reasonable not to want to spend 4-5 days with in-laws.

But, her badmouthing and bad behavior must be addressed. Make it that that type of thing is not allowed in your presence.

Also, what you have is a woman who has learned that the solution to "getting crossed" is to dispose of people forever (she learned this through the way she was raised).

If I were you I would be cautious. I would tell her that in your world, all people are entitled to mistakes. That we we judge people on patterns of actions rather than mistakes. I would ask her if she feels that is appropriate. Then I would discuss with her whether she feels your mother's bad treatment of her is a pattern vs a mistake. I would hear her out, she could have many slights, and you have to be prepared to characterize this as a mistake or a pattern. But if your wife agrees that she will judge people on patterns, and she agrees that this is a mistake you then ask her what help she needs in treating your mother with proper respect and mutual friendliness.

It's important that she learns the value of judging people around her vs their total actions vs isolated actions. You need to do this for self protection because you can see from her way of operating that you will wind up on her s|-|it list.
 

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Let's see...

I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving. I hardly ever call her. Maybe once every two weeks. Maybe longer. She emails me from time to time and usually is always on Facebook.
I can understand wanting to communicate with your mother from time to time. Maybe your wife feels you communicate with her to much. Some of the things you are talking to your mother about, should you be talking to your wife about instead?

I always stand up to my wife. Sometimes she admits she is wrong and sometimes she freaks out and we get into a big fight. I don't let her just have her way, I assure you of that. That is kind of how all of this started, because I put my foot down.
I asked that because you shortened the amount of time you were going to stay and visit with family. What you should maybe do is tell her that you both can drive up there to your family's house and if she wants to leave a day early then that is fine, and you will catch the train when you originally scheduled to leave.

You have to make yourself happy and if she doesn't see that being with your family makes you happy, then you need to do what makes you happy.

She may get angry and upset, but that is her issue to work through, and she knew you were close to your family before you got married. That doesn't magically change the night of the wedding.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Also, what you have is a woman who has learned that the solution to "getting crossed" is to dispose of people forever (she learned this through the way she was raised).
This was one of the best comments I've gotten so far because that is her, totally. I think that she has even told me that before. If you do something wrong to her, she just doesn't want to be around you anymore.

My mom has really only done that one thing and since then has been paying for it. So everything you're saying makes sense.
 
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