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Just a thought.....You children, offspring, future, legacy are an extension of you. She is treating YOU this way....


Just a thought. As for getting into some engagement from her. Try talking about her "wants" and "future" that she sees. Try the ole' end around the middle trick.

I would like to hear from her mouth, what she sees as the fly in the ointment in this relationship....
 

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Discussion Starter #22
If I could tell you how to keep your kids and your wife, I'd write a book and retire on my earnings. I was thinking therapy, but she refuses.

How long have you been married? Ages? Sounds like she wants you to abandon your kids and that, to me, is unconscionable.

Something is missing from this story.
Something missing?? I agree. But not sure what it is.
It's been suggested to look at the possibility of her having met someone else.
It's been suggested to look at a personality disorder.
Neither of these is ideal or something I can introduce as a reasonable option for her to address.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
She argues in circles and instead of giving answers or suggesting solutions she just says removal is the only way. Justifies her behavior as reasonable because "her kids don't act that way" and blames me for a lack of parenting ability because I do it differently.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
They seem to like her. They've commented on how she CAN be nice and they like being a family. She cannot stand their behavior and insists it is the root of her anxiety. Even though they are not here all the time and even when they are she keeps her distance and they too are acting independently either by interacting with friends outside or activities in their rooms. They DO ask fairly regularly what they have done and why she's always so mad.
 

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Discussion Starter #26
Thank you for your input. Therapy has helped me personally and given me tools to cope but so far the theory of two to tango has been pretty true for this situation. She refuses to go...therapist says shes likely scared of the issues she'll be required to address.
 

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They seem to like her. They've commented on how she CAN be nice and they like being a family. She cannot stand their behavior and insists it is the root of her anxiety. Even though they are not here all the time and even when they are she keeps her distance and they too are acting independently either by interacting with friends outside or activities in their rooms. They DO ask fairly regularly what they have done and why she's always so mad.
Previously you said they had bad behavior due to the influence of their birth mom, but it is greatly, if not completely, improved now.

When your wife says she can't stand their behavior, what specific behavior do they do, currently, that she complains about? What exactly is she talking about? Can you give an example?

I have been a step mother and I LOVED my step kids, but there is a very difficult dynamic when you are a step parent. In the normal order of things, the husband and wife are #1 to each other, then the children come, and they handle them as a team. When you are a step parent, the children come first to the birth parent and THEN you come into play. You are a third wheel in your own marriage from the word go.

Add to that the fact that the birth parent usually feels guilt - for the divorce, in your case, for who/how the birth mother is so they tend to go easy on the kids acting out. And then, there's the territorialness -- these are YOUR kids, now some other person comes along who has different standards for behavior, or who the kids are obnoxious to, and the birth parent ignores and allows the kids to be rude and obnoxious to the step parent because it's just easier and they don't know what else to do.

Message to step parent -- you're not my number 1 and you have NO say in how I handle this situation.

SO it's not unusual for there to be natural tension in blended families. HOWEVER the way you describe your wife is like she's a major head case who won't let go of incidents that happened long ago, has no maternal instinct, or even basic human kindness AT ALL, doesn't care about your children or your relationship with them. (She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me!)

Why did she marry you in the first place if she couldn't stand your kids? Is this hatred of hers a new thing? If so, why? What are they doing NOW?
 

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Discussion Starter #28
Once again WW says it best.

I would add that a woman who has no maternal instinct towards children not her own needs to be kicked to the curb. We have had more drama in our family than I care to think about and every woman - me, grandparents, stepmom, bs - is so loving to all the kids involved it is making me tear up right now thinking about it. I was the OW in my husband’s marriage - his ex wife should hate me and my “spawn” - she definitely hates me -and yet she hugs them when they run up and hug her, because they think of her as family since she is their step-siblings mom. If I can find that many good moms in one scenario you can fine at least one for yours.
thank you for your response....I'm teary!
 

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I hate this- but when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
Previously you said they had bad behavior due to the influence of their birth mom, but it is greatly, if not completely, improved now.

When your wife says she can't stand their behavior, what specific behavior do they do, currently, that she complains about? What exactly is she talking about? Can you give an example?


Example: when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.
 

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I hate this- but when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.
Remind your wife that the behavior was two years ago for her; but, a lifetime ago for your children. Ask her if she will appreciate being held to account for her current behavior 10-15 years from now and treated like crap on the bottom of your shoe because of that old behavior.

She needs some perspective. And a heart. And a divorce.

She can only hope that her next husband will find her children to be the perfect little darlings she believes them to be.
 

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Example: when pressed for reasons why she is still carrying such hate she refers to past episodes, that were at the time ridiculous tantrums and not fun to be involved with but that occurred over two years ago and hasn't happened since. She admits that they HAVE improved but still insists she cannot stand them in HER space...around HER kids...disrupting HER life.
That is SO confusing. If she can't clearly describe ONE current behavior. Or one example of how you interact with/discipline them, and she won't consider MC, then you are right - she just hates your children. That is so heartbreaking for your kids, especially considering you said they like her and want to be a family with her.

But I don't understand why you want to save the marriage? How could you and your kids possibly be happy with a woman in your life who hates your children? Children who obviously need you and your guidance even more than most. Is she unreasonable in other areas too? Either you're not disclosing everything or she must have some serious emotional issues.

You don't need to keep your kids away from her, you need to keep her away from your kids.
 

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Something missing?? I agree. But not sure what it is.
It's been suggested to look at the possibility of her having met someone else.
It's been suggested to look at a personality disorder.
Neither of these is ideal or something I can introduce as a reasonable option for her to address.
Having met someone else would explain why all the sudden she's using behavior from 2 years ago to throw down an ultimatum you can't possibly comply with today.

Having a personality disorder is pretty much a given at this point.
 

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So how long have you been married to your wife?

Do you have any children together?



Quite frankly, this is a no brainier. If you don't have any children with this woman, file for divorce and set her free of you and your awful kids. Your kids are not awful by the way. Your wife is a witch. Do set the witch free please.

If you do have kids with this woman, fight for the most custody you can legally get for your kids and divorce the witch.


You are the only one staying in this hell of a relationship. She is a witch you must ditch! Capeesh?
 

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I kinda know what your dealing with. I have two 13 and 15. My husband has a 17 and 8 year old. The older son doesn't come around and I get zero respect from the younger child. He only speaks to his dad. I try to talk to the younger one and make conversation and joke around with him, but he wants nothing to do with it. There have been at least 3 incidences were the child has told me he didn't like me and he felt like he didn't need to listen to me. This has continued for a very long time no matter how much I talk to my husband about it. I help him with projects and homework and he is treated like my own kids although he doesn't feel like he should listen to me. My husband doesn't always apply the same rule. His child is treated differently than mine, and because mine are older they see it and have begun to rebel against my husband when it comes to certain things, they are slowly losing respect for him.

This will never stop. Your wife will never change and she will never treat them like your own. Put your kids first, because you not standing up for them will always be remembered.
 

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Discussion Starter #37
So how long have you been married to your wife?

Do you have any children together?



Quite frankly, this is a no brainier. If you don't have any children with this woman, file for divorce and set her free of you and your awful kids. Your kids are not awful by the way. Your wife is a witch. Do set the witch free please.

If you do have kids with this woman, fight for the most custody you can legally get for your kids and divorce the witch.


You are the only one staying in this hell of a relationship. She is a witch you must ditch! Capeesh?
No...no children together. She was interested in that but I had a vasectomy before we were married...which she agreed with and even participated in. Divorce is an ugly word and uglier process but change is not one sided and I have come to understand that.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
You're actually adding freakin' hash tags to your post?

You're the blood parent so naturally, your opinion of your kids' behavior is going to be biased and you're going to paint a much kinder and gentler picture than what the likely reality of the situation actually IS at your home.

And you're contradicting the hell out of yourself. One minute you're claiming their bad behavior was in the past and now everything is A-OK, but then you contradict yourself and claim that you have to remind your kids every day how to be better world citizens because they're apparently still engaging in unacceptable behavior that apparently they learned at their mother's knee. And I'm also guessing your wife probably had to go through a ton of horse-**** to get to the state she's AT. I highly doubt she's 'jealous' as was suggested. I simply think she's DONE.

Done with you and done with your kids. It happens.

Have the good grace to let her go.
I see why you view some of this as contradictive. There is definitely HUGE gaps in the story and context is key for true clarity. The kids ARE or at least have been a challenge. I believe it's partially because they are kids, and they make mistakes like kids will do, but they need to learn how to be adults...trial and error together with an explanation of the WHYS of right and wrong. I remind them constantly that the rules of THIS home are different than that of their mothers home...and we need to make every reasonable attempt to be kind and get along with each other first (the two of them negotiating their needs instead of insisting on their way, for example) and then take the household feelings into consideration. I remind them constantly because I feel the message of kindness and cooperation needs to be consistent...not just in response to cases of bad behavior(s).

Did she struggle? YES...I believe she did and the struggle was real for a time in the beginning. She just not willing to move on, recognize that was a historical event and engage with hope for better days and encouragment at better behavior. She admits there IS improvement but says she is still miserable.
 

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Your kids are attached to your wife, because she is your wife. They want the family to work because all kids want their families to work. They want to be happy and are hoping that this will turn out well. They need your wife's approval and acceptance in order to be healthy and to grow up as well functioning adults.

There is nothing your children can do about this and they likely will try and try to fix it, but they will not succeed, because it's not their fault. They will believe something is wrong with them and that they are at fault, even though that is clearly not true. They will form opinions and values based on the way they are treated by the significant adults in their lives.
 

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Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

Turns out that creates a reciprocal hierarchy of responsibilities for a parent. Your primary roles are to provide a physically and emotionally safe and realistic environment for your children.

Realistic means teaching them cause and effect in an age appropriate manner. What you are teaching them - is that this woman is more important than they are. And they may remember that when you are old and infirm and their spouses are telling them that you are annoying and need to be put in a cheap nursing home.


I see why you view some of this as contradictive. There is definitely HUGE gaps in the story and context is key for true clarity. The kids ARE or at least have been a challenge. I believe it's partially because they are kids, and they make mistakes like kids will do, but they need to learn how to be adults...trial and error together with an explanation of the WHYS of right and wrong. I remind them constantly that the rules of THIS home are different than that of their mothers home...and we need to make every reasonable attempt to be kind and get along with each other first (the two of them negotiating their needs instead of insisting on their way, for example) and then take the household feelings into consideration. I remind them constantly because I feel the message of kindness and cooperation needs to be consistent...not just in response to cases of bad behavior(s).

Did she struggle? YES...I believe she did and the struggle was real for a time in the beginning. She just not willing to move on, recognize that was a historical event and engage with hope for better days and encouragment at better behavior. She admits there IS improvement but says she is still miserable.
 
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