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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
About two and a half weeks ago my wife decided that she needs time for herself and moved some of her things into her vacant parents house. We have been married 6 years and the anniversary is less than two weeks away. About a year and a half ago we both lost our jobs at basically the same time, due to the economy. When she lost hers she decided to go to another city and live with her aunt because she felt there would be more opportunity there, the plan was to both move there if she found a job. She eventually decided that living there wasnt going to work and moved back. Shortly after moving back she went on a trip to buy items for a business that we were starting, and it seemed strange but i thoughty it was harmless. I found it strange that she didnt call me to let me know she had arrived there safely so I called her, the phone was off and I knew how to check her voicemail, so I did. The message that I heard was devastating, it was a guy saying that he had the car and would be waiting for her after she got her bags. I spent the next few days while she was gone investigating and found out who he was and how much contact they had been having with each other. He was from the city where her aunt lived and had been in contact for a month or so. When she got back, I confronted her with what I knew, and she said she just didnt want to be married anymore. We reconciled that day and I told her to cut off all communication with this guy. She called him when I wasnt around and supposedly told him to stop. From that point I was finding it hard to trust her and found a few times where she was still contacting him. When I confronted her she would get deffensive and say that she should be able to do what she wants and that he was just a friend. Over the span of a few months I kept pleading for her to stop, and finally she did. We had finally gotten to the point where everything seemed normal, but I still had trust issues in the back of my mind and would bring it up periodically.

That is the back story before what has recently happened. The incident that led up to her deciding to move out and asking for time was me calling her in the evening as I was going home and going to ask about dinner. She didnt answer and I quickly came to the assumption that she was doing something affair like, A very bad decision when I look back at it. I texted say I wonder what you are doing. A while later she called and I asked her what she was doing with the tone of voice of accusing her. She got very mad and said she was working, and I do believe she was. She said she was done with this and said she was going to move out. She came home, we went to dinner, talked, for the most part it was pleasant. She said thiongs like I am possesive and needy, and that it was for her to be selfish and be on her own. We went home and she stayed the night, but said this doesnt change anything. The next day came and when I got home I noticed a bag was gone and possibly some clothes and stuff. Sure enough she had moved out. She called I said that she just needs time. We saw each other everyday leading up to christmas, and she stayed the night for christmas. We remained having the same amount of contact, just know staying at our house. I took it hard and tried to just give her space, and I had some bad days where I pleaded for her to come back. She would say, I just need time. We spent new years together and had fun, and the following day as well, which was yesterday. For some reason I decided to call her last night and started pleading again, even though I knew I shouldnt. This led to her saying she didnt want to be married and that she just wants to be by herself. I have checked to see if contact has been made with the other guy, and from what I can tell she basically only talks to me and a few friends, so i am not suspecting another guy.

I apologize for the lengthy post, i tried to put everything in it. I am looking foe advice on staying positive, and hows to not contact her with my pleads. Any other advice is welcomed as well.

Thank You
 

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well I have been or sort of been the wife in your situation.
Only we had a few years of rockiness to our marriage where my husband didn't want much to do with me and spent more time playing a computer game. No affection and we never did things alone together. I ended up having some feelings for someone else but decided to stay and try to work things out with my hubby. I told him about it and we went to counseling. I suggested counseling before but he never wanted to until he thought he might lose me. Did you guys have any problems or feel disconnected before she was in touch with the other man?
I think for me I just was confused as to what I wanted and had questioned if I was married for the right reasons. Our counselor actually recommended a trial separation for us. I actually didn't do that but sometimes it is the best thing. Only you guys are still spending time together. I think maybe the best thing to do is let her have her space. Don't call and talk to her everyday or plead. As the woman I didn't like having my husband always analyzing what I do. I know why he did but making little comments or getting upset with me without knowing the facts only made it harder. As long as you are there the way you are now she feels like you aren't going anywhere and she can do anything she wants. I think if you truly give her space she might realize the grass isn't greener and be ready to try harder to make your relationship work.
I am now still dealing with my emotions and the what ifs so in some ways I wish I had gone ahead and moved out for a little while to be sure of how I felt.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
She had mentioned being unhappy in the marriage before I found out about the other guy. She is either really happy and having a great time with me, or the exact opposite where she is very set in the way of needing space. We were priding ourselves on dealing with this ourselves, because in the past we involved pretty much everyone we knew. I broke down last night and told my mom, and I now regret just because we agreed to just keep it between us.
 

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I mentioned it to my husband before but he was so comfortable with me he just kind of blew it off thinking that I would never go anywhere. Sometimes when we are comfortable it's easier to brush things off and not really hear what someone is trying to tell us. If you really want to work it out I would definitely suggest not involving others in the family. A counselor who is not bias would be a good start. If she doesn't want to do that than maybe just try doing some things that you did when you were first dating. Start slow and work your way up. that's what we have been doing some. We have been married almost 10 years as well. I think it's sometimes easy to take people for granted and become disconnected after so many years together.
 

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HB I'd give her some space. I know it will hurt alot, though sometimes that might be the best medicine. By constantly pursuing her it could push her further away.

I'm going through some stuff myself right now... My wife in the past has asked for some space, heck I've spent a couple of weeks on the couch in the past and each time we have been able to reconcile.... You need to weather the storm....
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I am really trying to give space, the only contact is made when she initiates it, for the most part. I let my guard down last night after having too much wine, very bad idea. I have decided that drinking during this will not help. Some of the problem has been my drinking. A few months ago she had kicked me out of the house because I had gotten drunk and yelled at her brother. I stopped the drinking, went to counseling, and got back together. Slowly but surely I found myself drinking a little to much again. She doesnt say that is the problem, but I have to think its a factor.
 

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that could be part of it. Maybe she just has a harder time telling you exactly what the problem is but is still feeling a littl resentment about things like that. I agree with H20 about sometimes pushing people further away when you don't give them space. Make time for yourself. Work on yourself and being the best person you can be. Do things that make you happy and keep busy. If she sees this and that you are trying on your own to do the right thing she might decide she wants to try. for me my husband would often say he'd try and then after a few days or weeks it would be the same thing over again and then I would take a few steps backward in the relationship. I hope it all works out for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you. I am trying to go ahead and not contact her. She contacts me a lot still throughout the day, mostly texts, and I respond. I make sure not to initiate the contact, and my plan is to keep doing this. I read into things she says a lot, like yesterday we were out shopping and she kept refering to things with we and us. This tells me that she is just generally unhappy with something that may not just be the marriage. She needs time by herself, and I dont blame her. I have a positive feeling that she will be back, I just have to focus on myself.
 

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Take this time to work on yourself. Think very hard about anything that she has complained about in the past. In my experience, and from what I have read on these forums, we men are idiots when it comes to keeping an eye on relationship health, so she has probably been trying to nurse the relationship for a long time, probably longer than you might realize. Think back and make a list of all of the things she talked to you about as being issues. Think back to the things that really made her feel fantastic, and make a list of those too. Then look at the list of bad things and start correcting them. Alcohol was a problem for her? Simply give all of the alcohol in the house away to a friend. Make that commitment whether you think it is a legitimate issue or not, because it is clearly a legitimate concern to her and that is what matters. Don't think she won't notice when the wine rack is suddenly empty or the liquor cabinet is now used for cereal or what not. I bet she would be shocked to see that.

Other things? Maybe go see a counselor on your own purely with the goal of getting some help/advice in working through the list you have made of issues you want to work on. Hit the gym or go for a run. Like it or not, she is now on the fence and is going to be deciding between you and mystery man, who she may or may not already be seeing by the way. (VERY common for women to not leave or go this far until they feel they can swing straight from one stable situation to another stable man-situation). So put your best foot forward and make the best of the little time you have to prove to her that the grass on your side of the fence is improving and is committed to continued improvement.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all for your advice and comments, i think it has helped me deal with this situation.

So i was giving my wife the space and time that she asked for, finally, I stopped harping on her to come back because i saw it as the only chance of reconciliation. Then came today, I found out that she was in contact with divorce attorneys. It hit me pretty hard so I made contact with her and asked her to give me a minute of her time. She agreed and we talked, I asked her to try other routes before a full blown divorce. She said that we have tried plenty of times and it obviously didnt work. I said we have gone through to much to just throw it away, and that we should at least try counciling before giving up. She basically said no and that she wanted to move on and focus on herself. We left it at that, it was a calm discussion. I am hoping she comes around to the idea of seeking outside help. She also states that she doesnt want to be enemies. Our anniversay is coming up and she said she didnt want to celebrate it because she doesnt believe in it anymore. I responded with, I understand, just dont file for divorce quite yet. I am feeling so down right now, and overall just helpless.
 

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Your wife is having an affair. You should check out the 'Coping with Infidelity' section of the forums.

Giving her 'space' doesn't do anything for your marriage other than make her affair and the pending divorce comfortable - just the way she wants it.

Whether or not that's the way you want to play it is up to you.

One of the recommended methods to take your spouse out of affair mode is to clearly demonstrate to them just how painful divorce can actually be.

Expose the affair to friends and family

Separate your finances

Cancel joint credit cards.

Basically, the goal is to beat her to the punch about being serious about divorce.

Giving her space and hoping she will go to counseling with you will not recover your marriage, not now, not under these circumstances.
 

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Thank you all for your advice and comments, i think it has helped me deal with this situation.

So i was giving my wife the space and time that she asked for, finally, I stopped harping on her to come back because i saw it as the only chance of reconciliation. Then came today, I found out that she was in contact with divorce attorneys. It hit me pretty hard so I made contact with her and asked her to give me a minute of her time. She agreed and we talked, I asked her to try other routes before a full blown divorce. She said that we have tried plenty of times and it obviously didnt work. I said we have gone through to much to just throw it away, and that we should at least try counciling before giving up. She basically said no and that she wanted to move on and focus on herself. We left it at that, it was a calm discussion. I am hoping she comes around to the idea of seeking outside help. She also states that she doesnt want to be enemies. Our anniversay is coming up and she said she didnt want to celebrate it because she doesnt believe in it anymore. I responded with, I understand, just dont file for divorce quite yet. I am feeling so down right now, and overall just helpless.
This is the wrong approach. You can't talk her out of a divorce, trying to will actually push her more towards it. You are acting out of desperation and that is making you do the wrong things. It's also a huge turnoff to her and she is using it to help justify her own actions.

There's a 99% the affair never stopped and it's fueling her to push for a divorce. Right now you need to first expose the affair then you need to agree to the divorce. You fighting the divorce after she disrespects you makes you look weak. You should be filing, not her.

Agree to the divorce, say it's for the best and that you don't trust her anymore anyway because of her affair. Don't be hatefully or emotional, make it very business like. The more you push for the divorce, the more she'll think twice about it.

Prepare to get divorced and realize it's not the end of the world. This may end up being the best thing to happen to you long term. Your wife is a cheater, do you really want to be with a cheater?
 
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