[lonely_guy]

married 9 yrs, 3 kids

my wife is working abroad for 7 months already. our 3 kids is with me. im also working locally.

7 yrs ago, i caught my wife having a textmate with our neighbor, i named him john. we talk about it, she said it was not true and so i forgive her and it went well. and we aggreed not to do it anymore... i trust her and i love her. she blocked john's facebook account and erase his cell numbers. that was 7 years ago.....

when she is now working abroad, we chatted thru facebook as our way of communication. its 7 months already since she was working.

just recently, i got her facebook account password which she gave it to me for maintenance reason on her facebook account.
and there, i found out that she and john is having a sweet chat. i thought they stopped it long time ago. they were chatting about them from the last 7 years. its very clear to me that they were having an affair 7 yrs ago.

a got angry, i told her that i know already, i told her family too. but she keeps denying. i got all the evidence on there chat.
i dont want to loose her. we have plans, our 3 kids. i want to fix our family, but it really hurts when you think what they're doing. its hard to accept for me that nothing happens to them. but i want to move on. i dont want to be hurt for this... i want they will be hurt...

so, i forgive her again. but the pain is still there. few days from the incident i forgive her.

i dont know what to do. it still hurts!!!
i want to file a criminal case to the guy...
can i do that????
i need an advice.....

 

[canttrustu]

Ask the mods to move this to the CWI forum. You'll get more responses there.

Good luck

 

[iheartlife]

So just to understand, you caught her in an inappropriate relationship 7 years ago. And now you have evidence that it's never stopped.

And she is 'gaslighting' you, that is, despite the evidence, she's continuing to lie about it. That's because she has zero desire to stop. This stuff is an escapist fantasy for her (like a drug) and she is going to lie through her teeth as her first line of defense to protect her addiction.

Someone recently had this interesting idea, which was to check the email account associated with her facebook page for a backlog of facebook messages. Also, they installed software on their computer to look for the old FB emails. These are emails that FB sends with the messages in them. Have you tried that?

 

[AngryandUsed]

Do you know they did not have physical affair for all these 7 years?

Wait, take breath, others will chime in.

 

[Shaggy]

Did the affair ever end?

Stop forgiving her. Forgive her when she actual ly earns it, nd when you actually can mean it.

So far ll you've really said to her s that you don't want her to leave you, and that's. very week position from which to deal with her.

Question, is John married? If so contact his wife and expose his cheating to her.

 

[snap]

I don't believe in multiple year emotional-only affairs between people with ample opportunities to meet in person.

My wife cheated with a neighbour, and was only willing to admit sexting initially. In my mind it didn't make sense, why have a sexless affair with someone living right next door?

And thing is, turned out it indeed was all physical!

 

[remorseful strayer]

I don't believe in multiple year emotional-only affairs between people with ample opportunities to meet in person.

My wife cheated with a neighbour, and was only willing to admit sexting initially. In my mind it didn't make sense, why have a sexless affair with someone living right next door?

And thing is, turned out it indeed was all physical!

Sadly, I agree with snap. It's very unusual for a man to have a long term emotional affair only. Even a short EA is most of the times a physical affair even if they just had sex once or twice. Some men and women will never admit to actual penetration for legal reasons. An emotional only affair is not considered cheating by most divorce courts. I am not sure about sexting so maybe someone else will chime in. Where there's smoke there is fire. Also if sexting was involved, sex was in the plan eventually.

 

[walkonmars]

Lonely-guy
Unless you want to be lonely all your life you need to act decisively. The way you're acting reminds me of a person being mugged every time they walk by the alley and saying "I really love this path, I just want to get along."

The muggings won't stop until you choose a different path. The mugger won't change their ways until they see consequences. Telling the mugger "I know what you're doing - it's wrong" isn't going to get you anything but a bruising.

Stop getting bruised. Let her go. Tell her why. Don't put up with this. You are being disrespected. You can be sure that John belittles you and she chuckles.

Love yourself first. Without that you cannot love anyone.

 

[tom67]

When she comes back have her go for a polygraph exam it more than likely was physical sorry.

 

[Acabado]

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

 

[costa200]

Woman with this history and she is 7 months away? Hmmm yeah... Can see where this is going.

 

[lonely_guy]

thanks for the advice. i guess you're right.
we talked last night, i ask her why she did it and answered, its because I had no time for her, (and she's right). I had a little time to talk to her since she's working abroad.
but I dont feel guilty with that. Imagine, our 3 kids is with me, Im working during the day. I do most of the house needs.
and the only time for us to talk is during late at night, which Im already so tired....

 

[cali_chick]

That's what she said? Not good.

 

[lonely_guy]

Did the affair ever end?

Stop forgiving her. Forgive her when she actual ly earns it, nd when you actually can mean it.

So far ll you've really said to her s that you don't want her to leave you, and that's. very week position from which to deal with her.

Question, is John married? If so contact his wife and expose his cheating to her.

maybe you're right.. but if wont forgive her the pain is still here.
i need to be healthy and well. all i want is that they will be hurt of what they did....that thing makes me feel healthy..
how can i do that??? what should i do???

 

[lonely_guy]

That's what she said? Not good.

yes, i told her that this is not enough reason for what she did....
but she ask for forgivenesss. i just a simple guy, i just want to be well and healthy. i dont want to feel hurt for what they did.
i want they will be hurt!!!
how can i do that.? what should i do??

 

[lonely_guy]

Lonely-guy
Unless you want to be lonely all your life you need to act decisively. The way you're acting reminds me of a person being mugged every time they walk by the alley and saying "I really love this path, I just want to get along."

The muggings won't stop until you choose a different path. The mugger won't change their ways until they see consequences. Telling the mugger "I know what you're doing - it's wrong" isn't going to get you anything but a bruising.

Stop getting bruised. Let her go. Tell her why. Don't put up with this. You are being disrespected. You can be sure that John belittles you and she chuckles.

Love yourself first. Without that you cannot love anyone.

i feel it. may be john chuckles..
you're right...
but i let her go, the pain still there.
i had an idea... we have a Godmother whom to be a local court judge. what is i ask for an advice to file a legal case against them or maybe the guy only, that makes me feel better..
i can forgive her, but not the guy.

 

[MattMatt]

i feel it. may be john chuckles..
you're right...
but i let her go, the pain still there.
i had an idea... we have a Godmother whom to be a local court judge. what is i ask for an advice to file a legal case against them or maybe the guy only, that makes me feel better..
i can forgive her, but not the guy.

What kind of legal action would you be considering?

Am I right in presuming you aren't in the USA or a Commonwealth Country?

 

[Acabado]

Man whatever you decide do it with your feet planted in the ground, not in the denial state you are:
She's abroad only for seven months. Can you confirm it's a recent relinking the contact? I guess no. She never ended the relationship with the neibourgh which started years ago!
Also, seven years likely means it was a physical affair too. Maybe on-off for seven years.

Tell her to come clean, you can't even thinki about forgiveness without knowing what the hell you are going to forgive.

How can you verify she's not in contact with OM using a new email? Or with a local OM. You are taking care of threee kids, your cheating wife is far away... very bad scenario to recover. If long distance relationships fail most the times, reconciliation in that circunstaces are... imposible. Don't know the finances, don't know the urgency of mantaining this career but our wife must think very hard her priorities.

Read the newbies link, read more threads here: The basic demands are
NC (initiated by proper NC letter): she alreay went underground with it so...
Transparency, tools to verify the affair indeed ended: hard to achieve when she's away.
Complete disclosure, to your satisfaction: I believe she's lying like a pro, I believe this is an on-off full blown years long EA-PA.

Think hard about what you want, your boundaires.