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Hello,

My story starts from June 2012. Prior to this, me and my wife were in a normal relationship. We are both in our late 20's. We had a MASSIVE argument late June and from there my wife started being very awkward towards me. This continued for all the way through July. I got suspious when her phone bill came 10 x higher than it should have been for the month of May-June. There was one particular number that was contacted EVERYDAY from early morning to late at night. These included text messages and hourly phone calls. I confronted my wife about this and she told me that it is just a friend who is going through something similar in his marriage and they are consolling each other. I didn't say anything as I thought that was a poor story.

To cut a long story short, she kept lying about this other person and she promised that there was no more contact after I caught them two in my car. The shock toke me over as I saw them but could not make out the guy. This was end of July. I confronted my wife in a fit of rage later that day and she told me he is nobody. just that same guy and they were just chatting.

This affair continued throughout August as I they created secret email addresses that they used via their phones. How everything came out in the open is that my friend had her suspicions about him so one evening she grabbed his phone while he was on it and saw some of these emails between my wife and him. She was shocked. She instantly contacted my wife. This was on the Wednesday 29th August. On Friday 31st August my wife sat me down and started to apologise for her behaviour for the last 2- 2 n half months. I was really surprised but I forgave her with open arms. When I asked who this person she was seeing was she still refused to tell me. She always said that he doesn't know me and I don't know him. On Sunday 2nd Sept (Day after my own brother's wedding) she told me 'if we are to have a fresh start, i need to tell you his name' There I was waiting for a random name and when she told me my life turned upside down from that point.

The worst thing of all is that my family, my friend and her husband, we are all linked with other family member, friends from university and family friends. We are interlinked. This has brought ALOT of shame to my family. It hurts me so bad that the two were that stupid to do this knowing how this would effect so many people.

As far as my friend and him are concerned. They are over. It was a clear decision by my friend. For me, its very different. We have a 19 month beautiful daughter. I know that this is a massive betrayal but I have my daughter to think about here. The shame within my circle of people I don't think I can bare if I do patch things up. She will be an outcast.

I have moved in with my parents now and she wants to make our marriage work. I have told her I need time with this separation.. I don't know what to do.. I sometimes want to make things work as I do love my wife and I want a secure home for my daughter but then I get so angry when my mind dwells into what has happened and how severe it is with the shame of it all. Alot of family and friends have been supportive and told me whatever decision I make they will be behind me 100% but I know they say that but there true feeling are 'GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN'.

My wife is a character whereby she is too proud. And I do not see how she will make things better for us and everybody that I care about who have been hurt by this also. She just wont bother as long as it is just me, her and our daughter.

There are so many elements to consider. Should I file for a divorce now and move on with my life as I am still young or keep separated and wait for this wound to heal some more and see how my wife shows me how she can make this work, if that's what she really wants..

I am in complete limbo land.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the essay. If anyone has been in a similar position and has come out of the other end wither way, I would love to hear you story...

Thanks
 

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I have no happy story to share but what I can tell you is that the limbo you are in requires time. Simple time. It may take days, weeks or months but you will eventually clear your head and what to do will be apparent.

The worst thing you could do (aside from leaving the home and your daughter which you should have never done imo) is to jump into anything whether that be divorce or reconciliation.

The second worse thing you could do would to attempt R with a woman who is not capable or worthy. Time will tell you much about this issue.

Take care of yourself! Exercise (good stuff pops out of the brain when we do)! Eat, try to make it healthy but anything will do at this point. Most importantly, you didn't deserve this. You didn't bring this on yourself. This is not your just rewards. You deserved so much more. I am sorry you didn't get it.
 

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Considering you "caught" your wife and the - at the time - unknown man in your car, do you really believe that her affair with him was merely emotional? I'd be surprised if it wasn't a physical affair. Did your friend ever tell you if she found evidence that your wife and her ex husband slept together?

Also, your decision to stay together or divorce should be based exclusively on your feelings and your wife's feelings. Outside factors like "shame bestowed upon the family" should not factor into this IMO. Please keep that in mind. It's between you and her only.
 

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You need to contact your "friend" and find out how much she knows about the affair. She probably knows a lot more than you do at this point. I too think it was physical and they were having sex since your "friend" dumped him so quickly.

Find out all you can. Do not believe anything your wife tells you.

Now the hard part. You say you have a 19 month old child - are you totally sure you are the father?

Don't jump to reconcile with your wife until you are 100% sure that you have the entire truth.
 

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I am not sure how much of an EA this is if not PA already. You said your wife has too much pride, it must be false pride because if it was real pride she would be in shambles and beat herself up on how bad she failed you as a wife, how bad she failed as a mother and how she has to overcome and accept this failure and become even better of a wife after cheating.

Dont rush to trust, dont forgive without consequences. If you forgive hastily and try to move on quickly it will affect your WS cheating mind, make it easier to fall the next time, and the time after that etc. Transparency is needed for reconciliation, she needs to accept your demands, go no contact, and too bad if she is an outcast, she put t on herself, now she needs to regain what she lost and rebuild what she destroyed.
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To cut a long story short, she kept lying about this other person and she promised that there was no more contact after I caught them two in my car. The shock toke me over as I saw them but could not make out the guy.
So why didn't you go up to the car, open the door and haul the guy out by his neck?


This affair continued throughout August as I they created secret email addresses that they used via their phones. How everything came out in the open is that my friend had her suspicions about him so one evening she grabbed his phone while he was on it and saw some of these emails between my wife and him. She was shocked. She instantly contacted my wife.
Sounds like your friend knew exactly what to do and she did it. Why didn't you take the same actions she did? You had the signals long before your friend did. You suspected it for a long time why didn't you take action other than yelling at your wife and then believing her lies. Inaction on your part caused this issue to get to where it is today. Have you confirmed if the affair was physical?

You are going to get a lot of good advice from others here who know more than I do about what to do than I do. Listen to what they say, weigh the opinions and take action. But please, what ever you do, take action! You are losing your family because you did nothing when the problem was screaming at you in the face.

Edit:
I just read your posting from back in August when you first came here and there is more to the story than you posted above. You got some very good advice back then and I don't know if you took it but it seems like your wife just gave you the middle finger and did what she wanted to do. While I still think you were too passive about this, I think your marriage is not worth saving because your wife has no respect for you and is treating you like trash. It would be better for you to divorce and take your child (I'm assuming the child is yours) and get as far away from her as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks guys for all your comments and thoughts. Really much appreciated

I know most of you are shouting out PA!!! And yes I did ask her and she replied 'Nothing Happened'. Whether I believe it or not, I know I have a massive task to see if I can cope with this infidelity.

My situation now is that she has asked me numerous times to come back home to start a fresh relationship. She has apologised countless times but also has had her moments of 'enough apologising and do what you want'. It has been just under a month since it all came out in the open and I still regard this as a fresh wound. So for me, I thought the best option is to have my space away from her and think long and hard about the best way forward.

For now, she is co-operating in regards to my daughter I get to see her all the time and she stays with me for 3-4 days at a time.

She is aware that she will be treated as an outcast from everyone on my side, but when her side of friends and family find out, I don't know how she will deal with that as she has not experience the extent of this. I think in her eyes she knows she has done the ultimate sin but has not experienced other peoples reactions directly. Wonder what will happen to her then...

But I know that it should not be about what other people think and react. It should be about only me and her and if we both are on the same path for our future.

I personally don't think that I would know if I was under the same roof as her in our home as I would always be clouding my judgement. It would be a happy home and as if nothing has happened, basically, all the problems would be 'brushed under the carpet'. That's just going on the experience as this was the case for the first 2 weeks. When we were at home just us 3 everything was hunky dory but the next morning when she would go to work, my mind would start to dwell. 'Is she really at work? who she in touch with? what is she doing right now?'

I have made an appointment with my doctor and try to get professional help to help talk openly about how I feel and see whether my mind, however unstable, can be settled.

I feel I do want to R and have a concrete decision like my wife, but I have told her that I have a much longer road to take to reach the same path as her if that ever happens.
 

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If you haven't already, talk to your friend and get as much info from her as you can from her digging into this. Did she find any evidence of a PA? If you don't know if she did or not, then you need to talk to her ASAP.
 

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And yes I did ask her and she replied 'Nothing Happened'.
Because she always told you the truth, right ?

She was f*cking him in the car.(couples usually do that for privacy) This is definitely a physical relationship. No way this is just emotional affair. Contact your friend for any more details she might have regarding the affair.

And you might want to consider that she is apologizing only because she will become an outcast among the family members. She already lost respect for you when she was hellbent on cheating on you, even though you busted her a few time when in it. She is only scared about the consequences when this comes out in the open. her love for you dies some time back. She is not even apologetic enough.

Ask her to come completely clean or you will expose what happened to both sides of the family. If she has a smart phone(preferably iphone) you can recover the deleted texts to some extent.


Also repost this in CWI secton for more appropriate replies
 

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I agree with the others.

You need to find out if your daughter is really yours

Where you live is there someone who could do a polygraph? If so, ask your wife is she's willing to take one to clear the air. If she refuses right off, you have your answer. If she agrees to go, be sure to go. These boards are filled with stories of cheaters who have made full confessions in the parking lots of polygraph providers
 

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The shame. Would that be based on a certain culture?

In some cultures that's a heck of a problem.
Yes. We both are British indian. What makes it worse is that my friend and her husband are known with most of my family members and in my friends circle. It's just all so shocking for these people as they are finding out.
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Because she always told you the truth, right ?

She was f*cking him in the car.(couples usually do that for privacy)
Back when I was active, if I could get a woman meet me in my or her car, we knew what we were there for. At a minimum it was touchy, touchy, feely, feely, if you know what I mean.
 

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Sorry you are here - take your time - don't rush into any decision. Your priority is you and your daughter.

You do need to feel confident though before you make a decision that you know the whole truth, you don't want to start R (if thats the road you choose) and have trickle truth come out in 4 months again in 8 months, etc, etc...it'll just reset you to 0.

Talk with your friend, if its a cultural pride thing she might be holding back on information that it was a PA. You can also threaten your wife with a polygraph. She should agree without hesitation, if she doesn't shes lying or hiding something. If she agrees she could still think you're lying, so be prepared to but her in the car and have her confess to more as you pull into the parking lot.
 

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Flaunting it for 2 months? Still lying (of course it was a full blown romantic nad sexual affair) which by the way started - at least - May (The fight was her trying to deal with cognitive dissonance and projecting into you the anger she felt for cheating on you)!
Stubborn? Prideful? Enough of apologies?

Looks bad as a potential reconciliation?

Next time she ask tell her better seek help on how to fix this, she's not the first wh0re destroying two families plus extended family conexions.

She has to break, to humble herself. She needs to beg forgiveness from her friend. She has to expose herself.
 

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You are in denial. You do not want the truth about the relationship, otherwise you would be talking to your friend about what she knows about the affair.

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOUR WIFE TELLS YOU AT THIS POINT!!! SHE IS A CHEATER AND CHEATERS LIE!! SHE ALREADY LIED ABOUT THE AFFAIR. SHE LIED ABOUT WHO IT WAS. THE ONLY REASON YOUR WIFE TOLD YOU ANYTHING IS THAT YOUR FRIEND CONFRONTED HER.

Forget about how this looks to other people and find the truth about the affair. I'm putting my money on a physical affair. All you have to do is talk to your friend about her husband - why do you refuse to do that? I think you already know deep down that they had sex you just do not want to admit it and do not want to be told that they did. Stop thinking about your circle of friends and family. Your marriage is trashed and you are worried about what people think.
 
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