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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello to all, and congrats on what appears to be a great source for people like me, and I'm hoping by spilling my guts, I can start the process to live again.

I'm 31, and married with two children, my girls (one biological- 15months) and one step daughter I've raised since about the same age of my biological daughter, whom I treat and love as my own.

My wife (hmm we'll call her "Eva") and I have known each other for 11 years, been together about 5 officially and married for 1 year 9mos. Just a brief back history (I need help which u will read about, so forgive and correct me if I'm too bold) but it may be a clue.. I was her first lover at 17 years old (sexual) when I was 21, Eva is now 27. Back then I was into the party life, and this girl had obsessed and loved me back then. I was to blind in those days and we had merely a hook up type of relationship which hurt her. I was young and completely wrong, and owe up to, and regret it, so please don't flame me. Fast forward to our real relationship, we both had been in longer relationships after, mine was very normal, hers was doing drugs, and ended up with our beautiful daughter, that father was a deadbeat and continued drugs and left her destitute with a baby, and that's whenneva came to call on me,mas we still remanded friends the whole time. I have been in two 4plus year serious relationships, and each have ended with me haing my heart broken by each girl, each time devastating me. I am a romantic, I believe in love so much and never had closure from any of these previous relationships... The last of which ended an engagement, only to find her with my best friend, guess what. They are now engaged.

Fast forward again to Eva, we had both had crippling blows in life and relationships, grown a lot, and started dating. Seeing her little girl and being a pseudo family changed my life, I wanted to be her daddy, love and protect her the best I could. So many positives came, along with my net daughter, planned btw, and our marriage, my best friend. We agreed we were mature and promised that we learned Life, and live happily ever after. Great things happened then otherwise, she has a good job as a server at a casino, making great money, and I was doing well, really well, and started my own business. My wife's work is demanding, she works at night till 3am so we really didn't get a lotmofntimeneith me working during the days, but found it healthy as we loved our precious time together.

She started losing the baby weight, brilliant waxes, blonde hair dye, and started to look even more amazing. As this stuff started going on, I noticed that the normal I love u texts and the attention I received went away, like night and day. And stated to become paranoid, but at the same time I was being nagged to quit my day job to work solely on my business. Literally nagged as she couldn't take the lack of sleep for her job, which in Eva's fairness she was really exhausted due to being up with the kids after two hours sleep till ifame home,she'd sleep for another hour or so then back to work. So I humored her,she was my heroine, imhadnsupportto start a business, and it would help her so great!

But all the while the coldness was growing with her towards me, I couldn't shake something wasn't right. That's when i personally investigated infidelity. Her iPhone all of a sudden had a password lock and the ringer off (reading here I know the red flags). Eventually she blamed me, I'm crazy, and it sickens her, and it's locked because I am mess with her space. I love this girl so much folks, so much, that I oblige and stop it after she out of nowhere (3days after finally quitting my real jobs) and once to take "space".

I've been dumped, but not like this, we just had a beautiful baby girl a little over a year ago, I am a father to a child I didnt conceive and loved Eva with all my soul. She would go to work with her rings off, and I just figured she was going through stress beingnthenfinancial backbone during my startup,timeof my company. I was going to never give up on the mother off my children, we are a family that clicked. A month goes by, I gave her a new ring and we seemed to be Doing so much better. (I want to add we have a beautiful new home). Then one day I catch her iphone unlocked from a session she was on as she fed the baby, that's when my gut dropped.

She had been having work issues and money wasn't the same, she had comes home the previous night, crying to me on my shoulder in my office as I consoled her with love. Well the text I see was to a man five years older than me, and all I could read without becoming frantic, so sad and just couldn't read anymore of - she was saying, "I'm so lucky to have u in my life". Him- me too baby, her- I was you could hold me right owns and tell me everything is going to be alright".
I was so sick and I couldn't talk and confronted her, she pulls some crazy stuff saying, oh liken u don't think I know u have a gf? So far from the truth, obviously her way to justify her behavior. We go out for dinner that night to discuss. Mi advise, now is the time, be honest, do u have plans with him (also a married man ..don't know if I mentioned above us my wife works a night with this man). She said nothing sexual or anything has happened, though she was curious and admits this emotional affair, but just more as a friend going through the Same affliction with his wife ). She doesn't want me to mention it, as he will lose his kid with his wife now. I compromise and tell her I love her, the cats out, I want this to stop, and I will give her the chance for me to overlook, ON HER CALL). She wanted to choose our marriage and makemitmwork.

Things get good again until 3 days ago,mother coldness happens again, no texts on her break, no affection. Comes to bed in middle of night after work and even my cuddle hug to sleep/rejected.

Mind you this whole time after the first incident, I would rub her back/ feet 45 mins a day, let her sleep 10-12 hours a day, and take care of the kids myself. She spent her awake time playing games outside on phone, smoking, and really just no interaction with our kids. I cook, clean, bathe change diapers, full time, and run myself into the ground at night to work on my business. But there was a definite exposé of her not respecting me, I'd never get a back rub, even for a min, would initiate my kisses good bye, and any love in general, she just stayed distant, but displayed even just enough to keep me think we are moving forward. Now financesare rough, my company is app developmentnandnweb/graphic design so money comes in here and there but,hey I just started 3 ,on the ago, but we weren't able to do the fun things and splurge like we used to until, I start making good money. So I get the financial stress and I always remind her thatnthisnis work and one day it will pay off, after all she MADE me quit, I can emphasize this enough.

Today, her first day off of the week, I ask her what's wrong, as she just isn't even talking. It comes out she still is to happy, and tells me I need to get a job and start planning to seperate. My heart is broken, but now I'm not going to sob and show her my pain again, this time is going to killis if you guys can help me.

I've been a doormat and I'm not lying, the rubs everyday, just doing everything family wise like a classic 60s house wife. She lived in luxury, I wild do DO anythingnshenasked. I believe the only thing I ca do islet her go, but folks I can't, I come from a divorced family, and it hurts. I want my wife and kids and want nothing more. The sheerthought of herndaingna screwing aroundnHURzts me so bad. This is my love, I've never hadnthisnfeelng this string ever, I can't cope. We do not haventheresources to split, I have a brand new car, his is fournyearsnold and just blew up, rightmpastnthenwarranty. We don't own two of everything to split and cant do ity yyetr. She needs my car to go to work, And I need her mney support, we are really codependent, and just can't split away even if we wanted to, no relatives that we can even crash with right now as we havenyoungmkids and ugh impossible. So we have to room together in the house and still sleep I. OurnVERy expensive king bed.

My questions though is, whyndomimjustntwomdays at get a love song of ourmsentnoverbtext from the radio from her and then three days later this, do I wait this out, is shencheatingnand has been? How doi coexist with this till I can support myself again. I'll get more detailed as I'm hiding with an iPad right ow, hence the awful grammar and scattered thoughts. But I WANT MY WIFE, I love her, I would die for her. For my kids, I want us all together,money are too young. Please talk to me and help me through this, I'm so helpless, scared and hurt andim crying again now, as she's just so cold to my feelings.
 

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Talk to an attorney and start planning for divorce, even though it's not what you want. You've seen that being the nice guy isn't working with her, so take a new approach. Either you'll split or she'll realize that the nice guy is the best thing she can have going in her life.

After you talk to an attorney (the consultation is usually free), start demonstrating that you're NOT going to be used and mistreated.

1. Take 1/2 of any joint bank account funds and open a separate account at a new bank in your own name.
2. Change the locks while she's at work.
3. Let her go.
4. Without your car... let her boyfriend come pick her up, hold her, and tell her just how "okay" she's going to be.
5. Notify the other guy's wife. Offer her copies of your cell phone records showing the contacts between him and your wife.

What will happen is that she'll discover just how NOT okay things are and the reality check is likely to make her reconsider what she's doing to your family. However, I recommend not allowing her back into your life until you guys get some marital counseling, too.

It will be very, very hard to do this because of how you feel, but it will give you a chance to regain her respect and will give her a chance to realign her values and learn to put her family before herself.
 

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I understand that you love her very much.
But she does not love you.
She IS cheating on you and will not stop until to man up.
Before you can get her back , or any woman into your life, you need to get your [email protected] back.
Stop crying in front of her. Stop begging . Stop rubbing her back and feet.
She is manipulating you. Most likely she has had sex with this man. She has not shown much remorse after she admitted an emotional affair, and she is still in contact wih him.
She thinks you will believe and do anything she says .
Think for yourself , do you really deserve this treatment after all that you have done for her?
Secure your finances and contact a lawyer.
BTW, casinos are a breeding ground for such affairs.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thank you so much for the replies, and i really do apologize for how bad it was to read, as i was using an iPad and was constantly hiding the fact i was on this forum, id like to keep all you nice peoples attention as i have some more to discuss in a bit when she isnt around - so please your words are sincerely helping me
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
*update Today when i awoke, (we slept in seperate sides of the bed) (and quick oresiquite, i have nightmares....ALL the time) i sincerely thought, ugghhh what a horrid nightmare, untill i realized this was all still going on. I want to give my financial background out to get advise. I design and develop iPhone apps, Android Apps, and do Website Design and Development in between development time. My apps currently for sale have done ho hum, but nothing to take care of the bills, web design work pays good WHEN i get. I havent been able to grow much due to my catering her sleep and loving my children, as working at home with children is extremely difficult. So long story short, ive been living off her for about 2 months. Im currently on FMLA and disability from my job (she thinks her nagging me to quit that i really did...nope) but i WAS in the process of quitting now as of last week, and im not sure ill get to keep my job. I may be able to stay with my brother for a week or two on his couch, but i have an office at home, Dual 27" iMacs, my 2 PC's and my graphics tablets...i need these to work on my business so theyd need to come with me. Do i stay here as she will keep me afloat while i work on things? Its really lucrative for me to stay home to work as she is gone all night so... but at the same time i want her to see what getting up at 7am, kids screaming for attention, and then getting no sleep for work does to her again. Guys i really love her, she USED to be so sweet, she changed me in so many GOOD ways, she was such a great mother (she spends 1 hr with them a day and its basically letting them roam the house while she smokes outside and plays games on her phone.) My old "Eva" was so precious to me, but the brazzilian wax (i orefer the opposite", the died blonde hair, the weightloss, the text to the coworker, i mean she is cheating on me. I need no other .......talk soon she is here now sorry
 

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thank you so much for the replies, and i really do apologize for how bad it was to read, as i was using an iPad and was constantly hiding the fact i was on this forum, id like to keep all you nice peoples attention as i have some more to discuss in a bit when she isnt around - so please your words are sincerely helping me
Check out the CWI section as well.

Like it or not, you have to play hardball when dealing with an affair. The nice guy act enables affairs as it makes you the backup plan and gives them motivation to take risks with the affair partner. Regardless of what she says, she knows if she fails you'll be there...until she finds someone else.

Get angry, this isn't your fault so don't take any blame for this. She is disrespecting you so act accordingly. The people that get angry and head straight for a D have a higher chance of reconciling than the ones that remain passive and wait for the WS to do something.
 

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Hello Nice Guy....

if you have any shot in hell you better read those Ten Commandments of Synthetics and tattoo on your forehead.

Jesus.... its like almost the exact same story day after day.

Women say they want loving, sweet, affection betas and when you finally really fall in love and break down and really go all in, they lose respect, lose the passion, lose the love and start banging alpha douche.

All I can say is, take the Red Pill quick....


Sorry man.. I feel ya
 

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You wont get her to stop cheating and end her affair by being nice or accommodating, you've already been that and she is still cheating.

You need to play hard ball.

#1. You must expose the OM to his wife. Find out who he is and then find his wife and expose the affair. Do not waste time on him.

#2 put a voice activated recorder in your car. I even suggest a gps tracker since she's meeting up with him ovbviosly. Youll find that the times you watch the kids, she is hooking up with him.

She is so tired because she's working and going out on hook ups and dates with the OM. By the time she gets home she just wants to crash and sleep.

Find out how she met the OM and where they hookup.

From her actions this is far more than friends. Her words in the text alone show this is a physical affair.

The previous stuff were she was worried is that the OMW may have been close to catching them, but they fooled her.

I suspect when you find and talk to the OMW you will be confirming what she suspects.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks again to all of you for your help and support. Can I be absolutely honest? I'm scared, terrified, resistant, and just crushed so flipping hard, like I'm stuck between hallucination and reality. I just can't seem to cope right...

Continuing with today, it was ugly. We went together to pick up my four year old for school, and she was a different person entirely, royally peeved. We didn't talk the whole way, but I could tell she was almost disgusted I was there w her. We then go her moms (I have an excellent repoir with her, and we decided to have a mediater. She's with me I believe, and can't get around why "Eva" won't go at Least counseling with me, as she's concerned for the kids, after all, im the daddy my first daughter never had, and what's in the future? Daddy 3? And a kid with daddy 3? We fought on the way home, she even treated to smash my iMacs and graphics tabs, and other nasty stuff like - yeah my mo. Will watch the kids if I want to go out, as my family is not "a group of co$ksuckers" like yours. She knows my estranged family is a big reason I depend on hers, and that hurt, as I absolutely adore her family, while lately she's been pushing them away.

She did make dinner tonight, a really good one, sent me to liquor store, and had me get a huge bottle of champagne..we haven't really talked much more since then, more cordial, but she is def walking around her like a proud rooster.

So is she cheating, well locked iPhone, ringer off, previous caught text, texting someone still, but why hasn't she just said it? I mean she had every opportunity! And get this when she started dinner, she made a point, in a slightly nice way to tell me,myou know you have to stop thinking g I have ten dates setup, and that she hasn't talked to the a$$hole home wrecker she works with... Real sincere and out of nowhere... Do I believe this? I need to leave her. I want to this time, now it's me, but I don't...ughhhh y is this so there much hurt and anxiety in my sol, why can't everything be so sweet and make me so proud again. Ca. I even date omg I just do t even want too
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Ahh, and now the Facebook password is changed, we always knew each others, even after the bs in this had started, and just tonight hers as changed, right after becoming friends with 8 random men. Yeah I'm a fool. I'm ashamed of myself, and my self esteem has never been lower. This is just not fair. Why do I wish I was the one doing this to someone for once, why have morals and values if no one else wants to, how do I stop driving myself insane imaging her enthrall we in bed with another man, and her sending him the forget me not love texts that I always was so happy to receive. I am hurting bad tonight. When does this get better? The fall is coming, shorter days and nights, cold air, the holidays which is the pinnacle time of our fun watching our kids eyes glow. I feel I'm being cast aside and some pos will have the right I created and make my girls smile. For Christs sake my little is still a baby, how can she just feel nothing inside, why! (I'm sorry but I have no one but this board right now which no offense- isn't a good thing) I need friends who all are either mutual or her side of the family since I barely have any. I'm so sad. So so so sad
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I don't know why you haven't left her yet. She left you already. But OK. One more chance.

Catch her by surprise and tell her you need to use her phone. Simple. WHEN she refuses, ask her to log onto her Facebook account for you. WHEN she reuses, you immediately go into your 180.

She's gone. She's not coming back. Either prepare yourself for it now of torture yourself for a while first, THEN deal with it.

Does this happen as much as I fear or is it just the concentration of this on this site that has jaded me?

What % of wives walk away from their marriages? Why don;t we talk about this in polite company? Infidelity? We ALL know about that. But we are still SHOCKED that out wives leave emotionally but stay in the marriage.

Yes, she's cheating with that guy. PHYSICALLY cheating. Read up on trickle truth. If she admitted to the emotional affair THAT QUICKLY, there is more. Guarantee.

You're 31? I envy you. I was 50 when I realized my wife had left DECADES prior. You can start over. I can't. You are a god to me.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@MrK - Thanks for your reply, its motivating. I think my problem is im not financially secure, and especially emotionally secure. I literally started my own business months ago, and do not make enough money to support myself and kids right now. This means she will surely get my precious little girls. To preface again, i was a asst. plant manager for a Fortune 500 flour company, made a respectable income, but had dreams and aspirations of starting my mobile app and web development company. My wifes ****tail server job allowed her to accrue $300 plus a night in tips, walking around in a little black uniform dress while being oogled by drunk people in the casino. This money doesnt have to be taxed as they also get a minimum wage, and pay a tip compliance to the feds with that. So all that cash is bank to her. However the odd hours make it hard for her to sleep, hence her beating me up that she can handle the daily finances while i get my company together so quit quit quit. She continuously advised me to do this, until it became a requirement by her standards. With my paranoia starting to evolve over how i seen her changing physically and mentally, i took FMLA and Short Term Dis. for mental health (which i needed depressant treatment because i was losing it) ...be what she doesn't know is i actually still have my old job. So i'm getting back to that job, taking MY car and hopefully crashing on my brothers couch, then when i build some money back up, i believe i'm going to expose her shadiness to her employer, and shut down her ****y little job at that place. She's very close to losing it there as it is, and being vindictive i think its only fair after the tragedy and foolishness she caused in my life that i return the same favor. She is just getting colder by the minute, and hurting me more and more and more and more. im scared for my children. You know i was outside having a cigarette on my iPad and she had our 4 year old come outside and say "mommy, daddy said your useless and she wants it just to be me "other daughters name" and mommy and that we dont need you. And on the car rise back from nursery school today my 4 year old out of nowhere says "mommy, why wont you let daddy live with us anymore?" My wife wont even trade a conversation with me other than acting like im a sappy a-hole and everything i say annoys her. This same woman five days ago was making love to me, sharing jokes and being sweet. She tells me "oh go ahead think its another guy go ahead, your so f*cking stupid, you think you have it all figured out" she really tries to imply that she wants to be alone, and doesnt have anything going on. I personally cant see a woman leaving a man that does EVERYTHING he can to kiss her a$$, takes the MAJORITY care of the children ust to be alone? I deserve better i know i do, i just dont want to be this statistc, we SWORE we would always work it out, even before we got married. I just dont get why i cant accept this fully, i go one minute to hating her guts, to wishing and praying to god its all a dream. this kind of pain is unreal, rejection is worse than any drug i swear it. Why do nice guys finish last?? Do these girls really want me to be on drugs mooching off them, cheating on them, and beating them up? Do i need to change my ways and be more assertive that way? What is wrong with :scratchhead:me!!!??:scratchhead:
 

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She is cheating right in front of you & it is making you crazier by the minute. Please, please for the sake of your young children, get yourself some face time in counseling to get control of your emotions.
 

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It's easy for us to tell this man what to do. To tell him to "man up" and "take the red pill" (whatever the hell that means). Reading stuff like this makes most of us furious and we wish we could have a few chosen words with this guy's wife. Maybe we are going through something similar and want to lash out. Telling someone to "just leave" doesn't make sense anymore. With the way jobs are and family financial situations, where are you gonna go?

Forget about the love, history, promises, vows, and emotions for a moment. Most people cannot leave due to finances and no where to go. It is getting to THAT point that is important.

It's time for you to think of yourself my friend. Start getting an escape route together. Get some funds and put them somewhere. Try with all of your might to separate yourself EMOTIONALLY from this woman. The way she is behaving and the way she is treating you is awful. It almost sounds like she gets some sick satisfaction out of hurting you. You gotta pull away from her NOW for your own sanity. Chances are, that if you pull away and she notices, she will start trying to be all lovey with you again only to reject you again and again.

At the bottom of my signature line is a link to the 180. It is just some steps to take to emotionally detach from your spouse for your own sanity only. NOT to manipulate her, it has nothing to do with her. This is about YOU.

I know you are in pain, but you are not alone. Please try to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Baby steps, no pressure. No judgment.
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
It's easy for us to tell this man what to do. To tell him to "man up" and "take the red pill" (whatever the hell that means). Reading stuff like this makes most of us furious and we wish we could have a few chosen words with this guy's wife. Maybe we are going through something similar and want to lash out. Telling someone to "just leave" doesn't make sense anymore. With the way jobs are and family financial situations, where are you gonna go?

Forget about the love, history, promises, vows, and emotions for a moment. Most people cannot leave due to finances and no where to go. It is getting to THAT point that is important.

It's time for you to think of yourself my friend. Start getting an escape route together. Get some funds and put them somewhere. Try with all of your might to separate yourself EMOTIONALLY from this woman. The way she is behaving and the way she is treating you is awful. It almost sounds like she gets some sick satisfaction out of hurting you. You gotta pull away from her NOW for your own sanity. Chances are, that if you pull away and she notices, she will start trying to be all lovey with you again only to reject you again and again.

At the bottom of my signature line is a link to the 180. It is just some steps to take to emotionally detach from your spouse for your own sanity only. NOT to manipulate her, it has nothing to do with her. This is about YOU.

I know you are in pain, but you are not alone. Please try to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Baby steps, no pressure. No judgment.

@endlessgrief, I'm in a CVS Pharmacy right now and checked here on my iPhone, and your reply brought tears to my eyes. All of you have no idea how much better it feels to have you on my side. Last night was her first night back to work, and there is a daily process that always would happen. She'd kiss the babies goodbye and I'd walk her out to the car and send her off with my love and luck, but last night, I see my wedding rings are missing from her fingers, and she leaves as if I was a ghost in the room. I know I need to man up, but it's so incredibly hard for me, as my nature has always been so passive and optimistic, and I always respect women do much that I can't go d myself able to hurt them right back. I will tell more when I get home to my Mac, and again thank you so much to you all, I'm at day 3 and about ready to accept and start my 180
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
So here I am, reporting back to my situation. Over the past couple days Ive been more confident. I obtained my old job back it looks like, she agrees to move out and still pay her half of the home as she doesnt want a legal separation/divorce right now, and that was settled with our agent. So i get to stay home. But do i want to live in this haunted house, where memories of love and family flourish the walls, and other reminders? I have no choice and going from being dependent to independent i guess its a pretty damn good option.

Its been pretty civil between us, and almost like old times, a bit flirty...it seems as i perform my 180, and actively show that, its like it turns her on or something, like she enjoys and wants to test my strength, of course im only a man and grin at it (though ive rejected and do not persue these advances as i cant emotionally handle what it would be) is this her trying to ensure she has her claws in my soul as deep as possible before seperation begins?

then today she had a melt down, i was getting some papaerwork signed to get nack to work and she called me crying to get back home. she hasnt appreciated the way my mother has got my back, and feels really hurt that people think she is a monster and that we all have this wrong. She bent over bawling that its not another man, that she needs to love herself, hence no divorce, she wants to get jelaous of me, she wants to learn why she loved me to begin with yada yada. though i am jaded and just s washed out and being so in love with her, i almost want to believe her, as it really seems genuine. but then again, i really dont trust her right now, i mean that text crap and then this. its my wife, the woman i chose to marry and protect, and bring children to the world with, do i trust her though she broke that bond? do woman go through this kind of thing to just find out who themselves are and that maybe it isnt about someone? im not falling for it, but only aching more. i held her today while she cried, and i remember the night i did that and the next morning finding the text to the OM about the same issue saying "i wish you could hold me and everything would be all right" ill never forget that, my wife speaking that way to someone else, id rather her got drunk and screwed him. to be bod, my apologies. is it wrong to hate that bastard and wish really awful things? do i contact the OM-W, though i dont have the evidence this time around? i guess i should as no matter ehat it happened before. ive also been getting physically sick, like a cold, does this kind of stress bring this on? ughh

last night my bro/sis inlaw (her brother) came by and made me dinner and drank beers, it was such a good time, and they really support me so well through this, her family thinks something is wrong with her and shes making such a terrible mistake.

if she is genuine then i feel bad, i dont want her being labled this ***** i think she is right now if she is genuine, but whats th consensus, can that really happen? and y would u pay ur half of the bills....weird stuff...

im trying folks, and very worn down, but i guess the 180 is slowly starting, but im exhausted,. im also worried sex may be coming soon from her, as she seems to really enjoy me putting my foot down, do i give it one last hate-pound (apologize for the graphic) or turn her down?

thats it for now, again, much thanks and love for your support
 

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Hello my friend,

I came to this post from Google and I felt compelled to share my opinion. I'm 24 years old, and I'm also a computer engineer doing apps and web work. I'm also generally a very good man that like you, believes in love more than most. I had a past of being walked all over, and eventually (last year), I've gotten over that without losing that gentleman quality. Others may give this a thumbs up or down, but here is my two cents:

Only you will ever know if she's worth it. I would urge against allowing others to make this decision for you. If you're hesitant, then perhaps the best route to go would be to discuss ground rules for reconciliation. The first thing is that she must be able to say in her own words what actually happened. Even if you both know, it is absolutely critical that she is fully self aware of her actions. If she can't do this, then I would join the 'leave' bandwagon because the first step to any recovery is knowing there is a problem to begin with.

This is the best possible time to settle any differences, and so I would use it wisely. Now is the time to bring up who would take care of the kids if you were to continue. Now would be the time to assign and organize responsibility. Now would be the time to sit with her to make a plan on how this will be prevented in the future.

I'd also like to stress that you sound like a very emotional person -- and there is nothing wrong with that (I am too). It is DRASTICALLY important that you not fall into some of the emotional traps that are set during fights. What I basically mean is, if she starts raising her voice and things start moving a little fast, continue at a calm pace. This is tough, and it may seem like its doing the opposite of helping, but in reality it gives the other person more perspective as it relates to themselves. When someone is the only one in panick mode and acting irrational, it is much easier for them to accept and see it if the other person is in a more productive, calm state.

But then there is your side. And this will coincide with another user's last reply. If you were to get into it again, make yourself several promises:

- Save some money on the side. You don't need to hide it. If she asks, tell her clearly it is backup money so that you never have a situation wondering how you're going to make due again. I did this and it worked wonderfully (with a VERY similar story). If it ever comes up in a future argument, just calmly re-iterate that you simply can not be in that situation again. This does a few things - it prevents you from ever being alone in the desert again, it is there for an emergency, and heaven forbid if it weren't to work out again, it could be that difference between being able to show yourself as a good parent to the children, so maybe they wouldn't get taken away.

- Read as much as you can about relationships and relationship psychology. Actively learn about this kind of stuff even if you're not going through it daily. Read other cases like yours. After you read enough , eventually you'll come to a point where you know that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. You'll also have all the answers instantly accessible in the time of most need.

- Now for some maintenance and prevention... Start working out. You need to do something for you. I might be completely wrong about this, but I get the impression that you don't exercise. Once again - nothing wrong with this as that was my lifestyle for a long time (on top of smoking and marijuana which I quit). I will tell you however that if you start working out you are going to be more balanced every single day. You don't even have to go to the gym as there are plenty of no-equipment exercises that will keep you fit. If you can quit smoking, even better although it would probably be the least of your worries right now which is understandable. Exercising will make your body feel better when you have that feeling in your gut (and once you do it enough, it will even prevent it), and it will allow your mind to keep cool during sensitive or problematic times. If you're a slow starter like I was (took my years of consideration before actually putting it into action), then JUST DO IT. Do it for you - be your own best friend. Remember that a healthy body will mean a healthy mind for you, and vice versa. I'm making you a promise right now that if you do this, it will not only help you, but every other situation in your life (including programming).

- Keep remembering to be there for you man! If the day comes, you'll be able to recover a lot better if you are your own best friend (how it should be).

That's the best I can give you for now - I hope you consider this.

- The other you on the other side of the border
 

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Im reporting back... I AM isThereSomethingWrongWithMe

I forgot my password, and no longer have access to my old email i used on here to retrieve the password (i used my jobs email as i didn't want wife to see this) So now I am ObliviousLover. Hi. Again.

A lot has happened since I came to TAM for guidance. For one, we reconciled before any separation happened. I love her, I know this deep inside of me, my children, the whole ideal, in it 100% I can forgive, and through time, even forgotten...until now.

Rewind. 10/1 my brother comes to stay with us (younger) He had substance abuse issues, was in jail, and needed a fresh start. I advised against him coming, as hes lived with me before, and with our two kids, we just didnt have the time to focus on all of his needs, but my wife advised we should, and after coming up with some ground rules, we did.

He was doing good, met a girl on ******* locally, started seeing her, and well lets just say she was crazy..threatening to kill herself, and all kinds of other drama which isnt my problem, and needed a policeman here to tell her to stay from my brother. My wife stood up for him, and helped hm get away from this girl, long story short as his troubles arent mine, he secretly sees her again, she is now knocked up. This blackened my wifes eyes as she really supported this kid and he just lied and caused himself a huge headache. He wasnt a big help, and naturally my wife became irrate even looking at him. So there is some stress there. Then our finances this year (2013) became really unbearable. We are paying 2k a month to lease a home (600 more than last due to increase) - the winters propane usage, Christmas bills, we have been overextending ourselves. Extremely. If you read before, I am a stay at home dad (my job never ended up working out) that runs a web / software development startup company. I get money here and there, but its a HUGE learning curve starting a business, and with bills like we have, my wife cant keep up the gaps that i dont get any money. We celebrated our second year anniversary in January, and though the pressure of finances, my brother and all were there, we seemed pretty strong, and would pull through. A couple keynotes that i "obliviously" have been ignoring. She never did wear her rings to work again, not even just the wedding band (the engagement ring has a large stone (not diamond) that she loves and claims she didnt want to destroy it (waitressing)....ok i get the e. ring, but a wedding band is small and not pervasive. But whatever, maybe its uncomfortable while working, i can accept that. Shed wear the both when together with me, no worries...yet not when she went out with the girls from work. Bring us to her birthday. Girls were taking her out for "mystery" night. She chose not to wear any rings, and i noticed before she left, and murmured "oh your not wearing your rings" She gets salty like..we've talked about this i dont want to ruin them blah blah... not trying to ruin the night im like..ok ok, just saying. Her friend comes to pick her up and i THOUGHT she was gone, and let out some steam to my brother, moreless just saying, of all nights to wear a ring, a night of drinking wit single girls and what have you is freaking the one damn time i think she should! well she had come back in to get something, and heard me complaining and left with "oh if your done talking crap about me, im leaving now" The next morning i apologize, and it seems cool, then the facebook pics come. I see her and a friend a this idiot from her job with his arms around them, and my wife looking up at him with a smile, and he captions "trouble" on it. i come to find there was multiple male coworkers out on this "girls" night that they specifically "apologized" to me when telling me about the surorise but said i couldnt come because it was just the girls for dinner. Liars. I get a lecture from wife about trusting her and blah blah, im the bad guy again because i care and have some values, i wouldnt get caught dead without my ring on a night like that out of respect, let alone a picture of me with other girls labeling me as trouble. wouldnt dare do that. so the rings, the nights out with minimal details, and then the huge warning sign from long ago. Her phone still remains password locked, and the ringer off. Even after everything before. I recently have become wary with all these events, but definitely didnt show it, i had to trust her. i did not want to go through this again. Then about a week ago, we werent going to make rent, kind of sweat it a bit, but planned that we had to downsize a bit, and would plan it out. But that night, she leaves for work like normal, i go to work on a website, and a couple hours after shes gone, i get a text, from her. She didnt go to work, shes at her moms. Our marriage is over. Shes been trying and trying..yadda yadda. i immediately feel this pain i felt before, but at the same time, im tired of this. i get the pressure, the raising a family. im here all day trying to startup a company and be a good dad to a baby and a toddler, bad enough i have low self esteem because im not in a position to be the primary bread winner...yet. she is moving to her mothers with both girls beginning 4/1 - its not in the stars to worry about what i will do, but i need to do something im told. I'm going to my brothers, which i really, really do not want to do. Im not going to have my girls in the morning anymore, i wont be putting them to bed...its killing me...but at the same time after all she has put me through, i say to myself and through others very kind comments, i need to help myself. this girl has just destroyed my vision of the american dream too many times now. i cant function when i thnk about it.. it hurts so bad, but i need to do something or who knows what will happen to me. So the packing has started, house will be gone, this is really happening this time. She says i need to stop telling myself its over, that if i let her do this 6 months ago we probably would have been in a better place, together and over this hurdle. i get that to a degree, but god, im not prepared..why didnt i listen to other members and stash money, why why why. well i cant worry on that, ill think of something. i wonder if this emotional affair has never stopped like she promised and the guy left his wife or something, she claims i am wrong and thats whats going to make me upset thinking that way. i cant but help and wonder. after-all a couple months ago i picked her up at work and seen him outside and muttered some junk about him and she tells me i have no reason to hate this guy. yeah right. anyway, im open and would enjoy talking to you guys about it, it really helps me. what do you think, am i a fool? am i doing something wrong? *sigh* what am i going to do when shes at her moms with the kids and im away with my brother. we are not legally separating or divorcing, just moving apart for now. does that mean i stay focused on work, get another job and just live? i am at a loss..
 

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OP I am sorry that you are going through this. You are very emotional which makes it hard to discern sometimes what your motives might be. It almost sounds to me that you never got over your previous issues with your previous girlfriends. Now you are clinging to your wife, not because you love her (how could you still love her after everything that has happened) but because you are petrified of being alone and a single dad. Those are not good enough reasons to stay in this marriage.

Have you adopted your wife's daughter? Would you be able to get custody of her as well as your own. This is beyond how a 180 would work. I don't think you are emotionally ready to apply it. The only way to begin to regain your sanity and equilibrium is to separate from your wife and limit your contact with her to the absolute necessities of the children. Out of sight, out of mind.
 
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