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Hi. Thank you in advance for you advice. Our marriage is getting very ugly due to this problem, possible separation/divorce. After we had our child almost 5 yrs ago. I kept pushing for sex and she has been pulling away. We have had this discussion several times and we try to work at it, no changes, i keep messing up, bugging for sex. But she has confronted me and told me she is tired and exhausted already, doesnt like to make love/sex any more and doesnt want to hurt me any more. Since i want sex so much and she doesnt. We are going to do a retroville soon, i hope this helps. I am trying my best not to get my sexual urges and ask her for sex, give her space. Please any advice? Will she ever want to make love/sex to me again? How long can that take?
 

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Welcome to the club, unfortunately there are a lot of us here in the same situation - it might help if you read through some previously posted threads - they have some good, sound advice.

There's a deeper issue here and sex is just the symptom, I've surmised that from my threads on this issue.

If she truly doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and is not willing to get to the bottom of the issue, then you have a decision to make.

Sometimes giving space helps, but for the spouse who wants to avoid the issue, it just gives them more breathing space to stay apart and away from sexual intimacy. It's like they're thinking, great, he/she is not pressuring me and I'm certainly not going to bring it up - whew.

I have also given my husband space, not pressured and it has not resolved the issue, just makes it longer between encounters. We are in MC and are trying to work this and other issues out - success in some, status quo in others.

You need to get the bottom of what the real issue is.

Is it you?

Is she not feeling appreciated/loved in the marriage?

Are there some physical issues for why she wants to avoid sex?

Has she always had a low libido or is this something new?

If it is something new, why?

Did your sex life take a nose dive only after your child was born?

This may be a discussion you need to have with a neutral, third-party present - a MC.

Good luck...if it helps any, there are a lot of us out here that know how you feel.
 

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Don't know if that helped any, but you're welcome.

You really need to see all the "sexless" type posts here on TAM - this issue has been beaten to death and there are a lot of really good postings that can help.
 

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i cant compare my situation as my wife does like sex, just not as often as i do, she is content with 2-3 times a month. if i was in your situation i would be loking to make a move, and that would probably be as in move on. i know its alot easier said than done, but it sounds as if she is pushing you that way. if she knows how important it is to you and just wont address it, than what can you do?
 

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Have you discussed marriage counseling? As MWIL said, when you have a neutral third party involved, it make the discussion somewhat easier.

However, you may have to face issues that you bring to the table, whether it be lack of respect, lack of non-sexual intimacy, help around the house, etc...

If you asked the question "If sex isn't important in this marriage, do you mind f I get it elsewhere?", what would she say (not suggesting you ask it, but think of what her response would be).
 

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I get from your post that you think that there is something wrong with you for having sexual urges and that your wife is normal for not wanting sex!! I don't know where you got that notion but let me reassure you that it is the other way around. You are the normal one and your wife is the abnormal one.

Please do more reading about yourself as a man and know that sexual urges are a natural part of being human and to want to act on them is quite normal. A normal marital relationship includes regular satisfying sex with the partner. When that does not happen for the reasons you outline, then the union is in trouble.

You are not the trouble, you want a normal marriage. I can't speculate on why your wife does not want sex but she has no cause to make you feel like you are a freak for wanting to have sex with your own wife.

Read and understand male sexuality, I have a feeling you are totally ignorant and there is so much info available. In addition inform your wife that you are normal and you want to have a normal married life with her.

If she cannot manage that, she may accept an open marriage or you can divorce and find someone who is more enlightened. As for your child do you think this is a good model of a marriage? Is it good to see their father in the state you are in now?

Your wanting to turn off you sexual urges to stay with your wife is like a zoo-keeper turning the zoo over to a Mynah bird because it talked him into it. Makes no sense. Try to gather your wits about you, you'er in this sorry state because of lack of intimacy. Read about what happens to men who are denied sex in marriage. You will see that you are reacting normally.
 

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Totally in agreement with every word spoken by Catherine602.

You won't be able to stuff your sexual desires & turn them off, it will just come out in another outlet & possibly an unheathly one that will cause resentment to build towards your wife if you stay in this marraige with no change. Your wife needs to understand this. When you & she married, she made a vow to be her husbands sole outlet for sexual pleasure & expression, this is not fair to you, it is downright CRUEL, this is not loving, and this is certainly not OK -what she is asking of you.
 

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Been married over 26 years having the same problem over the years. Trust me, it only gets worse. Dump her now before you end up like me.
 

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I'm going to be blunt, here (so unlike me, I know). If you had free reign to visit a hooker and get your pipes cleaned, would you be happy? If not, maybe you're missing intimacy and not just sex. If that's the case, that's a language your wife could probably relate to a lot more favorably. There are many ways you could increase intimacy with your wife without her feeling pressured for sex. Once intimacy and trust are reestablished, the natural extension would be that sex would increase as well.
I'm in a similar boat and lots of folks suggest divorce. Even a particularly frisky couple is unlikely to actually spend more than 3 hours a week having intercourse. Doesn't make sense to me to toss out an otherwise decent relationship over 3 hours. There's no guarantee that the next prospective partner would be any more forthcoming with sex. Might even be more reluctant.
 

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Feel for you I'm there now. Just had another talk and wrote her a letter outlining twhat we are going to do going forward. Seems like this may be a turning point but I'm not holding my breath. What I did get to agree on was a monthly conversation about what is good and bad from the previous month until we get to the point of mutual happiness. My whole gaol is to keep this at the forefront figring she'll get tired of having he talk each month. Silence didn't work time to try something new!

I think this will bring the topic at the forefront instead of the back burner. What gets measured gets done. I've tried staying silent twice for 6 months a piece. I talked extensively when this first started two years ago. Nothing works our sex life has gone from low to minimal to near zero Something has to give for both our sakes. I've tried my best for two years straight! I've tried all the angles... manning up, wooing her it doesn't matter, backing off.

It's her and the little feelings of resentment for small slights that I wasn't attentive enough and self-centered. I quit drinking as a show of love and have been sober for two years! I wasn't an alcoholic either. I thought it would show her how serious I was.

It's a very stressful from a man's perspective. All outward appearances normal but neither of us reporting happy yet in our marriage... that has to change.

I think is peri-menopause and put the bug in her ear about making a doctor visit and discussing it with her doctor to rule out something medical. We'll se what he next month brings. So far so good I can tell I made an impact.

Wee'll see...good luck!

I report a success story if we make it work. I have better feelings than I have for a while.
 

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Feel for you I'm there now. Just had another talk and wrote her a letter outlining twhat we are going to do going forward. Seems like this may be a turning point but I'm not holding my breath. What I did get to agree on was a monthly conversation about what is good and bad from the previous month until we get to the point of mutual happiness. My whole gaol is to keep this at the forefront figring she'll get tired of having he talk each month. Silence didn't work time to try something new!

I think this will bring the topic at the forefront instead of the back burner. What gets measured gets done. I've tried staying silent twice for 6 months a piece. I talked extensively when this first started two years ago. Nothing works our sex life has gone from low to minimal to near zero Something has to give for both our sakes. I've tried my best for two years straight! I've tried all the angles... manning up, wooing her it doesn't matter, backing off.

It's her and the little feelings of resentment for small slights that I wasn't attentive enough and self-centered. I quit drinking as a show of love and have been sober for two years! I wasn't an alcoholic either. I thought it would show her how serious I was.

It's a very stressful from a man's perspective. All outward appearances normal but neither of us reporting happy yet in our marriage... that has to change.

I think is peri-menopause and put the bug in her ear about making a doctor visit and discussing it with her doctor to rule out something medical. We'll se what he next month brings. So far so good I can tell I made an impact.

Wee'll see...good luck!

I report a success story if we make it work. I have better feelings than I have for a while.
You and the OP both need a good dose of Athol: Married Man Sex Life

Dude knows his stuff like Einstein. Go take a red pill and wake up.
 

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Right. I tried watching the matrix. I started to lose the will to live about 10 minutes in.

TBH, when Athol K starts with the science fiction crap I feel my eyes glazing over. It just doesn't register with me.
That's . . . unfortunate. Science fiction is the new mythology, the way in which we can interpret the world around us. Ignore it if you will, but the analogies and examples in sci-fi are golden. And it is a common point of understanding for much of the male population.
 

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That's . . . unfortunate. Science fiction is the new mythology, the way in which we can interpret the world around us.
I find the old mythology works perfectly adequately for me;)

Ignore it if you will, but the analogies and examples in sci-fi are golden. And it is a common point of understanding for much of the male population.
I don't ignore it, but I think sometimes he gets a bit lost in it and goes past analogy and into whackjob - there was that post about making your family into start trek characters:crazy:
 

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You and the OP both need a good dose of Athol: Married Man Sex Life

Dude knows his stuff like Einstein. Go take a red pill and wake up.
I disagree...

I read the book... and while that works for him I've never seen any hoards of success stories. Every relationship is different. Every wife is different. The fix has to be permanent with winners on both sides.

I know that I struck a big chord with her this time (5 prior talks and 5 letters). I think it was a combination of the time already passed, behaviors in place, giving her space for six months at a time and the realization that at monthly intervals we now HAVE to discuss this issue of unhappiness from here to eternity until solved or it breaks down. No hiding and no wondering. If those talks go sour she has a choice. Bottom line we either move closer or farther apart... but we move from where we were which was relative inaction on her part and silence on my part, giving her space hoping it would get better. Life has enough stress who needs this! I love her to death of our marriage. Hopefully it's for life. I won't accept sexless its too important.

The only way the talks stop is when we both agree we are happy and that our relationship is not stressful on either of us. Pretty much when things get back to a better normal.

I will separate or divorce because I love her I'll let her go if that is what she wants because I cannot accept unhappy (from either of us) over a period of years. I won't let this turn into a 5-10-15-20-25 year experiment. Time to head it off at the pass. WE both have our lives to live I'm not going to spend it dealing with this. It takes up too much of my brain power.

It might take a while still but at least we have agreed to talk about it monthly... I'm pretty sure we will both be motivated to stop the talks (it's easier to have sex and get closer). I think this is the only time it's going to be effective because of the time from the original stresses. She knows I've changed...she admits it. It's all her she just needs the push in the right direction now. Put this on the front burner so to speak at the two year point. She can seek help if needed it's up to her it's not like she hasn't had the time.

What gets measured gets done! I have another decision point in mind in the future. She knows that I told her I expect it to go better than the last one at two years of this"sexless" lull.

I don't know if this will work? But it might and it's my last straw. I think she knows that. It's taking the path of least resistance in the end. Neither of us want to go down the divorce path but I will force the issue if needed for both our sanity. There is no way she goes down that path guaranteed... I just hope I don't have to play that card but will if needed. We have kids that's how much this means to me.

20 years of not worrying, 2 of worrying that's enough two years should be plenty of time to "work things out" and change your feelings. It's silly but a necessary process. I'm betting our marriage comes out stronger after we go through this. We are both good people, we love each other we just need to get over the past. She will I believe.

So far she's acting much nicer towards me... we'll see! Pretty sure sex is in the cards at some point soon so I'll have something good to report to her during next months conversation! This whole thing is down right ridiculous sorry so many of us have to go through this. Who said life was easy?

I guess in a round about way I Manned Up indirectly.

After this I'm going to write an e-book!!! It'll be a best seller. Or at least one of those rare success stories.
 

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I can sympathize with you!

My stbxw of 20+ years distanced herself from me both physically and emotionally for years. We had numerous talks and promises but our marriage kept going downhill. Over a year ago she suggested I get a GF or visit hookers and I realized she had no interest in being married. As I've posted here I am retired, in good financial shape, hated east coast winters and summers and moved to the west coast and started dating.

Contrary to what some write I found there are a fair number of women who enjoy sex with a caring, giving lover at least in northern California. I met a wonderful woman after 9 months in my new home and we connected to an extent that is unbelievable to both of us. We are in our early 60s with no children at home and have more intimacy - emotional and physical - than many younger folks who have children and jobs.

Our recipe for love - two hours of cooking, eating and talking and a bottle of wine - if the urge strikes leaving the dirty dishes on the table and running to the bedroom. :smthumbup:. If it doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher, head into the living room for cuddling, reading, music, TV or a movie.

I'll say it again - there is life after marriage and it can be in the marriage or after it. Separation and divorce can be the beginning of a fulfilling life, but so can reconciliation.
 

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Would i be wrong if i went out and found someone just for sex? My wife is cheating on me. Not with someone else but by just stopping having sex with me. and this have been going on for years. Yes she is cheating and i'm mad and not going to let this rest. I love my wife she's my whole world but she is wrong and i can not deal with this . I heard it all give her time , you are being Selfish and so on and so on. Bull**** if the shoe was on the other foot the wicked people would be going nutz saying we are cheating and checking our phone and going on talk show. Not me guys If they want to stop and give us a bull crapp line. Fine not me I'm going to find someone that will and NO i;m not taking off my ring if ask i'm just going to say my wife is a Butt.

Wife's response: when you get a clue, we'll talk. Otherwise, if you can't take responsibility for your actions, stop cursing in front of your 4 year old, stop taking out your anger on your 4 year old (not physically, but yelling unnecessarily and generally being a grump) then I won't stop being, what YOU consider to be: a BUTT. Impulsive decisions, purchases, and generally being BROKE, some times , do not a happy marriage make. You are also a BUTT (ALL CAPITAL LETTERS)
 
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