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Hello! I posted several weeks ago about me finding out and confronting my wife about an emotional affair she had/is having. This started when she was in her home town 8 hours drive away from our home taking care of her dying father. I had been there and back to be there for her emotional support 3 different times in a month on top of juggling my job and our two kids. I started the year off with 120 hours of paid vacation and used 96 of those hours in the month of january being there for her. when her father did pass I was not able to be there due to not having a whole lot of vacation time left and trying to keep the kids in school. there was one occasion when she wanted me to head out of town to be with her at the drop of a hat during a really bad snowstorm and for me to bring the kids. (not thinking about the safety of her family) She was mad that i did not comply with her wishes and i told her to wait a couple days until roads are safe. Long story short right after her dad passed she went to stay at a hospitality house that was owned by the hospital. during this time she was snowed in and reached out for someone to help her get out and get some dinner because she hadn't eaten all day due to the storm. This someone was an old guy friend she grew up with. Needless to say she says she has feeling for this guy. I noticed some behaviors when i went there for the memorial service and to drive back home together. When we got back home and i noticed she was distant and not because she just lost her father but there was something else going on. so i confronted her. she admitted that she was having an emotional affair. before i ramble to much longer let me tell you this. I have gone through many stages of hurtful betrayal she caused. i 1st begged and pleaded and asked how could she do this to our family. Then i went to the angry phase that she needs to stop communicating with this guy. Then the stage of trying to win her attraction back and do nice things for her and be more affectionate. Now i'm drained and after talking about things with her to no avail. She still talks to this guy daily while i am at work for hours on end several times all the while she should be taking care of our kids. She has expressed she is not attracted to me anymore and will not be happy regardless. she says she doesnt want to settle and that by me trying to be more engaged and a better husband is awkward and strange. She is planning to go back to her home town to take care of more of her fathers things and clean out his house/get some belongings and things of that nature. she fought be tooth and nail when i brought up that i wanted to go with her and help. She said she knows i want to go with her so i can keep an eye on her and i dont trust her. Can you blame me? but ultimately i do want to help. after all i am her partner in life. As i think about things and reflect on our marriage she has held me back from being who i really am and doing so many things. I have spent our whole marriage trying to live for her and lift her up but she has never done that for me. She is the kind of woman that is not happy with anything no matter what. she doesn't have any friends in our area, she doesn't want to make friends in our area and she has no hobbies outside of trying to decorate and make our house better. she always claims we have nothing in common but only because she is not interested in anything i like to do. how can i have anything in common with someone that doesn't have any interests or hobbies. I on the other hand have a ton of things i like to do. I have come to the realization that i am going to let her go back to her home town by herself so that she can take care of her dead fathers things and explore her inappropriate relationship with this ********* scum of the earth that only wants to get in her pants i'm sure. I'm done. She says she feels trapped and has no where to go if she wanted to leave our marriage. I told her she shouldn't be that way because it is toxic for me and our children to live with her if she is not happy. I told her she needs to get a job and apartment so she can be happy and not feel trapped. I'M NOT LEAVING! it is my house and the home for my children. I do not wish to leave our marriage in search of a fantasy. My name is the only one on the mortgage anyway. I apologize for the long topic and i think i just needed to vent. Any thoughts or questions for me?
 

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It's a simple answer, but incredibly difficult.

Get a lawyer, stop talking to your wife, kick her out if you can.

Tell close friends and family what's happening.

Do not chase her, try to convince her, or even interact with her about anything but your kids.
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Sorry your are here. That's why we're all here.

You'll get a lot of great advice that will be hard to do.

It's always the same.

Get your proof.

Expose the affair.

Work on yourself and plan on losing your marriage.

Get on with your life.

Good luck to you.
 

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Soooooo....what has changed in the last 4 weeks?





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02-02-2016, 05:49 PM .



marduk

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Re: emotional affair. Please help


What you can't do is sit there while she makes up her mind.

Stop talking to her. Get a lawyer. Throw her out of the house or at least the bedroom. Tell your closest friends or family so you can get support.

What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her.

Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you.
 

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ABSOLUTELY follow through with divorce and move on. This woman will rewrite your whole marriage history and have you thinking YOU are the bad guy here. Don't let her put you in limbo, don't let her mind-**** you, and don't let her break you financially if you can help it.

I'm so sorry. Lots of us, including me, know how you feel. The right thing to do is to serve her papers and let the other man have her. You are right, it won't last long.

Just remember well how she treated you when she comes back begging for another chance.
 

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Soooooo....what has changed in the last 4 weeks?





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02-02-2016, 05:49 PM .



marduk

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Re: emotional affair. Please help


What you can't do is sit there while she makes up her mind.

Stop talking to her. Get a lawyer. Throw her out of the house or at least the bedroom. Tell your closest friends or family so you can get support.

What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her.

Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you.
Lol, nice catch. I forgot about that.

At least I'm nothing if not consistent.
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Discussion Starter #8
easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?
 

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easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?
In this situation it's not just the cost of the divorce but that by doing it now you can control the situation. Simply put, by filing now you maintain your position in the driver's seat.

If you wait until you absolutely have to file not only will you lose the element of surprise, the first-mover advantage but you'll lose the shock value of her being served papers. All of these are strategic advantages. If you wait you'll be spending the same money but be in a (significantly) worse position.
 

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Unfortunately it doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage, she still gets half. You also can't force her to leave. The law doesn't protect a guy in situations like these.
 
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easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?
what you have been doing so far has not worked. I recommend you follow Marduck's advice. The advice he gave you on 2/2 and the advice he gave you today.

Or, you could just keep having your talks, being told you are basically a financial net and that your wife would choose some other man right now if she could.
 

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easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?
$3k invested in your future now will yeild many dividends.
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The addiction of the EA is extremely powerful. I know first hand and am trying to rid myself of the fog and it is very difficult. She was primed for the EA, especially with the death of her dad. She will be unable to work on the marriage with OM is still in the picture. I know this too. Nothing you can do to make her want you again while she is still in contact with him.

Do you want her back or do you want her gone? You can file for divorce to be done or you can file for divorce to get her head out of the fog. If you want her back and money is issue, tell her she needs to get a job and apartment, not so she can be happy and not feel trapped. but because you are done with her. That might snap her out this.

MRR is very right: "What she wants is for you to sit there and be her safe place to come home to if it doesn't work out with the new guy. So she gets to take him for a spin while you pine for her. Disrupting that is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do. For the both of you."

Helping her snap out of the fog is the best thing you can do for both of you. After that, you can decide whether she stays or goes but until she is out of the fog, you do not have that choice as she is already gone.
 

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easier said than done to get an attorney. A retainer in my area is $3000 but i know when the rubber meets the road i will have to spend it eventually to get a divorce correct?
The first thing you need to do is stop thinking like this. You have a problem, and immediately you jump to why you can't implement any solutions. Instead of saying "this going to be too difficult" or "these are the reasons why I can't..." ask yourself "what do I need to do to make this happen?"

A lot of attorneys will work with you, and take payments monthly. Ask around. Tell them your situation, and tell them what you can afford per month. Someone will work with you. If necessary, ask family / friends for a loan. Or better: get one from a bank and stick your wife with half the debt...

Listen to Marduk OP. His advice is solid.

Once you start taking action you will feel a lot better.
 

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@Jackskate, forget the venting, what is it you want to happen? Once you know that, we can give advice on how to MAKE that happen, if other than divorce.
@Kivlor is right - "Once you start taking action you will feel a lot better." Chasing her and begging will not work. Firm positive action is needed.

You might ignore my advice because of what I told you about me. I am trying to give you perspective from the other side so that I can help YOU not your wife. I can understand both sides.

The standard "Divorce her" advice might not be your first choice or desire action, but the threat of divorce through actual legal action may help you save your marriage. Is your wife worth $3000 to keep your marriage? If not, then go the divorce route. That will cost you far more than $3000 but if your wife is not worth keeping, the money will be well spent.
 

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So you don't want to divorce her?

A better question is, why do you want to stay married to her?

I will never in my life understand why someone who has been cheated on wants to stay with the person who cheated.

btw, I am still with my cheater, but only because I kicked his a$$ out the day I caught him 6 years ago.
 

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@jakeskate


You do know you don't deserve this right?

Most women are NOT like this. You can have a loving wife that isn't this one.

Until you are willing to throw it all away....you will never have what you want
 

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Discussion Starter #19
A reply to all advisers:

I was going to go back to her home town because i wanted to prevent her from exploring this relationship with the OM but now i am of the mindset to let her go alone so she can walk off the edge of the cliff. is that a step in the right direction? And yes i do need to tell her if she is going to continue talking to this guy we will be getting a divorce. i have a phone consult with an attorney today at some point to see what my options are and at least get myself in that mode. You all have good advice and i think it's just hard for me to swallow. I think what i need to know from you all after knowing the situation is:

when she goes back to her home town (by herself) how do i approach that? I understand she has to go to take care of her dad things but i know she will want to see the OM while she's there. I told her that i know this and she said maybe she wants to see him and go to dinner or whatever.

I live in south carolina which is one of hardest states to get a divorce because you have to be separated for a year before divorce papers can be served. That being said; I am not leaving my home and children. She needs to get a job and an apartment. I have some tax return money coming back to me and can help her with a down payment furnishings for her place and childcare. but she needs to get a job because the tax money will not go that far. how do i get her to comply with that plan of getting a job and apartment for herself?

I'm pretty much done and i know my wife. In a perfect world i would love to keep my wife but she would have to make some pretty major changes for me to accept her back. I also know that if we were to separate, it'll be less than a few months before she's wanting to come back to me. she's done this before. when we initially were together in the beginning, I got her pregnant and we broke up because "i couldn't make her happy" or whatever.. She decided to move to south carolina from phoenix where we met to live with her mom while she was pregnant. during the time she was gone and moved away she decided she wanted to get back together so me being the awesome amazing person that i am, packed up my **** and moved before she gave birth to our daughter. (a little more background)
 

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Just because she comes back doesn't mean you have to accept her and take her back.

What do you really want? Do you want to save your marriage, or are you done? Your answer to that will dictate your path, and the two paths have some pretty stark differences.

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