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Maybe I am a cynic...wait I know I am, but that said, I see you suffered from her disdeeds, and dealt with the mental tortures but I didn't her pains for her actions... by you forgiving her you placed the weight of your relationship on your shoulders not hers.
 

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Maybe I am a cynic...wait I know I am, but that said, I see you suffered from her disdeeds, and dealt with the mental tortures but I didn't her pains for her actions... by you forgiving her you placed the weight of your relationship on your shoulders not hers.
I don't know this post doesn't seem much different then 95% of any other post from someone who is in R. OP I think pretty accurately displays the kind of attitude it takes to accept the deal. The kind were the WS places the weight on their shoulders is very very rare. Most don't have it in them to do it, and why would we suspect otherwise. The are cheaters so they are already have inherent problems in relationships.
 

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Did she at least admit that she really enjoyed the illicit sex with the other guy ? If she says any different then you know she is a liar. If she admitted this then she has a lot of work to do not you!
 

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Discussion Starter #25
Did she at least admit that she really enjoyed the illicit sex with the other guy ? If she says any different then you know she is a liar. If she admitted this then she has a lot of work to do not you!
I didn't ask that question. I don't think it would have made me feel any better at the time. And there's no point asking now because this episode happened in the past (about 5 years ago) and things are going GREAT between me an her now
 

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I don't know this post doesn't seem much different then 95% of any other post from someone who is in R. OP I think pretty accurately displays the kind of attitude it takes to accept the deal. The kind were the WS places the weight on their shoulders is very very rare. Most don't have it in them to do it, and why would we suspect otherwise. The are cheaters so they are already have inherent problems in relationships.
Exactly! This is why I decided to give her another chance at the time to solve her issues, and she did, and I've been the happiest I can possibly be over the past 5 years.
 

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Discussion Starter #27 (Edited)
Maybe I am a cynic...wait I know I am, but that said, I see you suffered from her disdeeds, and dealt with the mental tortures but I didn't her pains for her actions... by you forgiving her you placed the weight of your relationship on your shoulders not hers.
Not at all. In fact I did the exact opposite. She was the one that had to fix herself. Most if not all the efforts to save the marriage were made by her from that point. Obviously I was just there to help, as her husband, because I wanted the same thing. I did suffer at the time, I admit, but I carried on with my life. My self-improvement was just "triggered" by that single episode, but not driven by it all along!
 

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There's the answer guys. Have your wife bang another man and it will do wonders for you.
I'm just sharing my experience here. This is what has happened to me, and of course it might not work for someone who can't handle it. But cheating is not even the point here. The point is to drop your ego and give someone another chance for whatever they do: If they screw up again, then it's over but everyone deserves a second chance.

See the thing is, I'm all about the results. Am I happy now with her? Yes. Do I regret giving her another chance then? No
If it happens again will I forgive her once again? Of course not, because it would mean that she hasn't really fixed herself, which was the point of it all.
 

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Yeah, seems like you did a LOT of work to re-sell yourself to her... Self improvement is still good and all.

Of course, like anything else in life - not everything is a one-size fits all. Like, what if she was banging several guys? And she didn't come back to the marriage?

Others have already asked the questions of time frame, etc.
It was a single episode, that happened only one time with an ex of hers, about 5 years ago.

Yeah, I hear ya- My self-development might have also played a role in building the happiness in my marriage, but wasn't intended. I can't stress it enough: that single episode 5 years ago just triggered my willingness to improve, but didn't drive it all along. I did it for me, not for her or for the marriage, for that matter. And that's really cool, I mean: I have become more confident, more social, more attractive, learned new languages, traveled more - even on my own -, learned how to play an instrument. I feel like I am another person.
 

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So, what did your wife do, specifically, to show true remorse to you and a willingness to heal the marriage?

Because your post is about 97.9% of the heavy lifting that YOU did.

Yes, it is about me because I was the one going through the process and I am here to explain it so that maybe others can benefit from it. Anyway, here's pretty much what she did:

-She worked on her issues with her family, especially with her dad
-She started to get into spirituality to find out more about herself and her emotional issues and how to solve them
-As a result of that, she started loving herself more. People cheat because they don't love themselves enough.
-She started doing actual things to start over with me such as organizing weekends away together, activities, fun stuff etc
-She re-discovered that level of intimacy with me that got lost years ago.
 

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Yes, it is about me because I was the one going through the process and I am here to explain it so that maybe others can benefit from it. Anyway, here's pretty much what she did:

-She worked on her issues with her family, especially with her dad
-She started to get into spirituality to find out more about herself and her emotional issues and how to solve them
-As a result of that, she started loving herself more. People cheat because they don't love themselves enough.
-She started doing actual things to start over with me such as organizing weekends away together, activities, fun stuff etc
-She re-discovered that level of intimacy with me that got lost years ago.
For some reason the song sunshine,lollipops and rainbows is playing in my head.
 

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-As a result of that, she started loving herself more. People cheat because they don't love themselves enough.
I would politely disagree with that and we'd have to agree to disagree. Cheaters love no one BUT themselves when they cheat. That is the issue.

None of your other points indicate items I would call "heavy lifting," although I can appreciate that for you, they likely qualify as such.

- Did she come clean to her whole family about the affair? To yours?
- Did she give you all passwords to her devices/accounts?
- Did she write the OM a no contact (NC) letter, under your supervision?
- Did you both attend marriage counseling (MC) and/or did you each go to individual counseling (IC)?

If you are happy 5 years later, I am not going to dispute your genuine happiness, however not all posters here are spiritual and they may be interested in more concrete examples of your wife's displays of remorse.
 

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Hello everyone,

I have just joined this forum, which is very nice, and I thought it would be nice to share my story, which could help others currently in this situation.

My marriage was about to break into pieces a while ago when my wife cheated. I could sense that something was not right, even before everything happened.

I recall the sense of hopelessness of those days: suspicion and frustration were haunting me, constantly, corroding me, choking me slowly. I was losing control of myself, I felt like I was living a nightmare. Days and nights would go by and nothing ever changed, because I was afraid of asking, of exposing myself as vulnerable, weak.

I had to pretend everything was fine, even when she stopped kissing me in the morning, or looking at me in the eye while talking. We were not having sex anymore, she would come up with all possible excuses to avoid touching me.

When I found out about the affair, she confessed everything while bursting into tears...She said "I still love you" "I don't know why I did what I did" "Please give me another chance".

But I felt so empty inside. I still loved her and I love her to this day. I didn't know what to do: I was I supposed to get angry or to give in to my insecurities and just take revenge by cheating on her too?

But I didn't do any of these things. And I'm happy to say that I don't regret it. I could have divorced and lost the love of my life. The truth is, my wife cheating on me ended up being the best thing ever happened to my marriage.

The reason is, I decided that I had to take massive action if I wanted to make sure this would never happen again. I felt I wanted to rise from my ashes like a phoenix. And this is when I re-invented myself.

First, I looked out for help, read many self-help books, went to seminars, courses, talked to counselors, etc. Most of this stuff didn’t actually help, but the very process of feeling the urge to change, gave me a boost in the right direction.

I simply started seeing things from a different perspective. I realized than when people cheat, most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but with them. They have to realize this, and there’s nothing you can do if they don’t.

In fact, she did realize that the problem came about because of her own personal insecurities, and her difficult relationship with her father during her upbringing. She was left with an attention-seeking and needy personality that required validation and constant approval. She felt always lonely, no matter how and she felt the need to compensate with more attention.

And it wasn’t my fault. I was always present, willing to talk, caring and affectionate, no matter how busy I was with work or other things. But perhaps she started taking me for granted and sought different kind of attention. This episode however left her disappointed and broken. She didn’t want to lose me, and so I decided that I would carry on, because mistakes happen, and no matter how big they are, everyone deserves a second chance *especially* the person we love.

So, I stopped worrying about the past and start focusing on making my present with my wife enjoyable. Shall I say, I have become a new, perhaps better person? I really feel this way.
Forgiving my wife for what she did was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I feel so much better now, because we love each other and I couldn’t have let anything ruin my marriage.

Besides, that episode helped my personal development immensely, and I feel like there is hardly any battle that I cannot win. I feel so different from when I was living in fear, scarcity, anger and suspicion. I feel I have become immune to what happens outside of my own inner sphere. It's like I have created an indestructible bubble of happiness for myself that it's independent from anyone's thoughts, words or actions.

This vibrational state irradiates into my marriage and further around me, including my family and friends. It was not just surviving infidelity. It was living happily through it without letting any of the present moments go wasted because of a stupid mistake that wasn't even mine. I love her, and that's all that matters. She loves me too, and this is all that I can wish for. Will she cheat again? I don't know, but I'm more than happy to say that it wouldn't affect me or my love for her in anyway.

I reverse-engineered my own past fears and struggles to understand more about myself and others, and to contribute to the happiness of my marriage and of that of other people.
This is the main reason why I joined this forum, and I hope my permanence here will be pleasurable and filled with interesting and useful discussion.
So in other words you ordered books off of Amazon, went to seminars and gathered advice on how to do the "Pick-Me! Dance" and how to suck it up and accept the maltreatment and betrayal by the person who was supposed to love and cherish you.

How many books did she order? How many hours and thousands of dollars did she spend on therapy and counseling on how not to get it on with other men when she is feeling horny?

How much self-discovery and reinventing herself has she done?

The simple truth is anyone can live with a cheater and live with someone that mistreats and disrespects them All you have to do is suck it up and not ask them to be faithful.

And cheaters love to married and very few actually want to leave their marriages in favor of their AP.

And why should they? Their chump ....I mean spouse at home can take care of the bills and the laundry and repair the hole in the roof and unclog the toilet. That way they can focus all their sexuality and fun on the AP and they can have nasty, uninhibited porno sex with the AP because the chump....dang it, I mean spouse at home in there to take care of the kids and all that boring and dirty stuff at home.

Cheaters love forgiveness and love people doing the "Pick-Me! Dance" and love chumps going to the therapy and seminars and getting books on how to become stronger so that they can understand the cheaters need for attention and adulation and a never ending stream of new lovers. Cheaters love it when chumps are able to develop a thick skin so that they will keep the marriage intact at all costs so they have a place to call home base and keep their clothes so that they can meet up with the AP's in a motel room or the back of the park looking sharp.

Cheaters NEED strong BS's and NEED in tact marriages so that all of the boring business of living like bills and housekeeping and child rearing and car maintenance can be taken care of while they get their face frosted like Toaster Strudel by their AP in a motel room.

The whole Wreckonciliation Industrial Complex is doing a great job of producing BS's that are resilient enough to forgive people that disrespect them and disrespect their vows and come home with other men's semen inside of them. And luckily there are millions and millions of dollars being sunk into producing these strong and resilient chumps.

Just think how it would hurt the economy if people simply decided they didn't want to be with people that hurt, disrespected and betrayed them and they simply left them behind and went on about their lives without them in it any more. Where's the fun and challenge in that???

And it's great that these timid little forest creatures that want to have fun with their lovers and don't want to get their hands dirty or they may flee don't have to do any of the heavy lifting. Heaven forbid if a WS simply packed up and left. If they did that, what would happen then??? We wouldn't have a zillion "surviving infidelity" books on Amazon, we wouldn't have marital counselors and we wouldn't have therapists that charge by the hour to help people learn to cater to these timid forest creatures better.

If cheaters didn't have a soft place to land and a warm and safe place to come home to after blowing someone in a car in the bar parking lot, where would they go?
 

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I had my ex fiancee of 4 years cheat on me while I was in combat, 6 months before our wedding. Best thing ever to happen to me in my life. She divorced her husband to marry a woman. Also got into drugs and has a mental illness.

At the time I was devastated. However as I look back on my life at the age of 66, I realize that had my ex fiancee not cheated on me, my life would not be as great as it has been. I would have never met my wife of 44 years. OI also was devastated when my new wife fell ill and was confined to bed for a year. That forced me to leave college, and abandon my dream but I did what a man has to do, and took care of my wife. Those are the two worst things that happened to me in my life, so I thought. I would have never met my wife if my ex fiancee did not cheat. I would have never gotten the job that provided me with a very successful and rewarding career which led to me having the job I originally wanted in college. My life has been very good all because of events that I thought were devastating.

As I look back on my life I realize that where I am and who I am now, is a result of both the good and bad things that happened to me. Without the bad my life would have been completely different. I would not trade my life in for any other. So just remember that your divorce will change the direction of your life. You can choose to let it lead you into depression and despair or let it be an opportunity to create a new and better life for you.
 

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So you think you fixed her?? Buddy..................
Methinks she was the the one who was doing "the fixing!"

Just wait until "the next time!" That is, if you're indeed fortunate enough to ever see it!

You had better hope and pray that your "gut instincts" continue to work at an overtime pace and that you grow a pair of eyeballs in the back of your head!
 

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So you think you fixed her?? Buddy..................
Methinks she was the the one who was doing "the fixing!"

Just wait until "the next time!" That is, if you're indeed fortunate enough to ever see it!

You had better hope and pray that your "gut instincts" continue to work at an overtime pace and that you grow a pair of eyeballs in the back of your head!








Why is everyone only seeing the negatives trying to play devil's advocate. The man overcame a huge adversity not only in his marriage but that's a life alterning event. I'm glad you picked yourself up man don't go back up that what if thinking like these people. You'll be 100 percent more ready to deal with it according compared to five years Who! Take care brotha
 
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