Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 36 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone,

I have just joined this forum, which is very nice, and I thought it would be nice to share my story, which could help others currently in this situation.

My marriage was about to break into pieces a while ago when my wife cheated. I could sense that something was not right, even before everything happened.

I recall the sense of hopelessness of those days: suspicion and frustration were haunting me, constantly, corroding me, choking me slowly. I was losing control of myself, I felt like I was living a nightmare. Days and nights would go by and nothing ever changed, because I was afraid of asking, of exposing myself as vulnerable, weak.

I had to pretend everything was fine, even when she stopped kissing me in the morning, or looking at me in the eye while talking. We were not having sex anymore, she would come up with all possible excuses to avoid touching me.

When I found out about the affair, she confessed everything while bursting into tears...She said "I still love you" "I don't know why I did what I did" "Please give me another chance".

But I felt so empty inside. I still loved her and I love her to this day. I didn't know what to do: I was I supposed to get angry or to give in to my insecurities and just take revenge by cheating on her too?

But I didn't do any of these things. And I'm happy to say that I don't regret it. I could have divorced and lost the love of my life. The truth is, my wife cheating on me ended up being the best thing ever happened to my marriage.

The reason is, I decided that I had to take massive action if I wanted to make sure this would never happen again. I felt I wanted to rise from my ashes like a phoenix. And this is when I re-invented myself.

First, I looked out for help, read many self-help books, went to seminars, courses, talked to counselors, etc. Most of this stuff didn’t actually help, but the very process of feeling the urge to change, gave me a boost in the right direction.

I simply started seeing things from a different perspective. I realized than when people cheat, most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but with them. They have to realize this, and there’s nothing you can do if they don’t.

In fact, she did realize that the problem came about because of her own personal insecurities, and her difficult relationship with her father during her upbringing. She was left with an attention-seeking and needy personality that required validation and constant approval. She felt always lonely, no matter how and she felt the need to compensate with more attention.

And it wasn’t my fault. I was always present, willing to talk, caring and affectionate, no matter how busy I was with work or other things. But perhaps she started taking me for granted and sought different kind of attention. This episode however left her disappointed and broken. She didn’t want to lose me, and so I decided that I would carry on, because mistakes happen, and no matter how big they are, everyone deserves a second chance *especially* the person we love.

So, I stopped worrying about the past and start focusing on making my present with my wife enjoyable. Shall I say, I have become a new, perhaps better person? I really feel this way.
Forgiving my wife for what she did was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I feel so much better now, because we love each other and I couldn’t have let anything ruin my marriage.

Besides, that episode helped my personal development immensely, and I feel like there is hardly any battle that I cannot win. I feel so different from when I was living in fear, scarcity, anger and suspicion. I feel I have become immune to what happens outside of my own inner sphere. It's like I have created an indestructible bubble of happiness for myself that it's independent from anyone's thoughts, words or actions.

This vibrational state irradiates into my marriage and further around me, including my family and friends. It was not just surviving infidelity. It was living happily through it without letting any of the present moments go wasted because of a stupid mistake that wasn't even mine. I love her, and that's all that matters. She loves me too, and this is all that I can wish for. Will she cheat again? I don't know, but I'm more than happy to say that it wouldn't affect me or my love for her in anyway.

I reverse-engineered my own past fears and struggles to understand more about myself and others, and to contribute to the happiness of my marriage and of that of other people.
This is the main reason why I joined this forum, and I hope my permanence here will be pleasurable and filled with interesting and useful discussion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,955 Posts
Glad to hear that you overcame the infidelity, your views and advice will be useful to those wanting to reconcile

As a matter of interest was there full disclosure? Or was it rugswept?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
Sounds to me like YOU are the one deserving of kudos, not your wife. YOU are the one who chose the RIGHT thing. Despite her actions, you made the positive outcome.

I did the same thing. My husband cheated, and our relationship today is far better than it was before he cheated. But that is DESPITE the fact he cheated, not BECAUSE of it.

Give credit where credit is due and don't make it sound like her choice to cheat was a good thing. Because it's NEVER a good thing to cheat. EVER. The two of you had the power to make things better without that happening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,294 Posts
I could have divorced and lost the love of my life.
That's swell.... hope the "love of my life", when I find her, doesn't decide to bang other dudes.

The truth is, my wife cheating on me ended up being the best thing ever happened to my marriage.
Pretty sure the best that could of happened was if she stayed faithful to you and didn't bone another guy.

The reason is, I decided that I had to take massive action if I wanted to make sure this would never happen again.
It's sad to me that YOU need to change so SHE doesn't sleep with other men.

I decided that I would carry on, because mistakes happen, and no matter how big they are, everyone deserves a second chance *especially* the person we love.
My definition of a mistake is dropping a glass of wine, not having sex with a stranger.

This is the main reason why I joined this forum, and I hope my permanence here will be pleasurable and filled with interesting and useful discussion.
Welcome to the forum!

Obviously, deciding whether to take a cheating spouse back is a very personal decision and its yours to make. I'm glad you love her so much and decided to "take one for the team". I'm sorry she didn't love you enough not to screw another man. Here's my two cents on your story friend. You could of done better but your shameless codependence forced you to swallow a sh!t sandwich any sane person would of rather not eaten. Now you are trying to peddle this aforementioned sandwich as a filet mignon in an attempt to make yourself not feel so horrible about what you metaphorically just ate.

That's cool though, we all got issues. That's why we're here. Good luck bro.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
13,458 Posts
Sounds to me like her affair was not satisfying. It did not make her feel better.

Hence, she came back to you.

On "What-Ifs".

What if the guy turned out to be a dreamboat, a perfect match for her? Would she be back in your house and your arms?

I know, this did not happen...we hope. And we hope she is being honest.

It is this "What If" that would eat at me.

You did not dodge a bullet here. You got hit in a non critical place and are healing.

But her hidden gun is still loaded and can fire multiple rounds.

Sleep with one eye open, please.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,977 Posts
Hello everyone,

I have just joined this forum, which is very nice, and I thought it would be nice to share my story, which could help others currently in this situation.

My marriage was about to break into pieces a while ago when my wife cheated. I could sense that something was not right, even before everything happened.

I recall the sense of hopelessness of those days: suspicion and frustration were haunting me, constantly, corroding me, choking me slowly. I was losing control of myself, I felt like I was living a nightmare. Days and nights would go by and nothing ever changed, because I was afraid of asking, of exposing myself as vulnerable, weak.

I had to pretend everything was fine, even when she stopped kissing me in the morning, or looking at me in the eye while talking. We were not having sex anymore, she would come up with all possible excuses to avoid touching me.

When I found out about the affair, she confessed everything while bursting into tears...She said "I still love you" "I don't know why I did what I did" "Please give me another chance".

But I felt so empty inside. I still loved her and I love her to this day. I didn't know what to do: I was I supposed to get angry or to give in to my insecurities and just take revenge by cheating on her too?

But I didn't do any of these things. And I'm happy to say that I don't regret it. I could have divorced and lost the love of my life. The truth is, my wife cheating on me ended up being the best thing ever happened to my marriage.

The reason is, I decided that I had to take massive action if I wanted to make sure this would never happen again. I felt I wanted to rise from my ashes like a phoenix. And this is when I re-invented myself.

First, I looked out for help, read many self-help books, went to seminars, courses, talked to counselors, etc. Most of this stuff didn’t actually help, but the very process of feeling the urge to change, gave me a boost in the right direction.

I simply started seeing things from a different perspective. I realized than when people cheat, most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but with them. They have to realize this, and there’s nothing you can do if they don’t.

In fact, she did realize that the problem came about because of her own personal insecurities, and her difficult relationship with her father during her upbringing. She was left with an attention-seeking and needy personality that required validation and constant approval. She felt always lonely, no matter how and she felt the need to compensate with more attention.

And it wasn’t my fault. I was always present, willing to talk, caring and affectionate, no matter how busy I was with work or other things. But perhaps she started taking me for granted and sought different kind of attention. This episode however left her disappointed and broken. She didn’t want to lose me, and so I decided that I would carry on, because mistakes happen, and no matter how big they are, everyone deserves a second chance *especially* the person we love.

So, I stopped worrying about the past and start focusing on making my present with my wife enjoyable. Shall I say, I have become a new, perhaps better person? I really feel this way.
Forgiving my wife for what she did was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I feel so much better now, because we love each other and I couldn’t have let anything ruin my marriage.

Besides, that episode helped my personal development immensely, and I feel like there is hardly any battle that I cannot win. I feel so different from when I was living in fear, scarcity, anger and suspicion. I feel I have become immune to what happens outside of my own inner sphere. It's like I have created an indestructible bubble of happiness for myself that it's independent from anyone's thoughts, words or actions.

This vibrational state irradiates into my marriage and further around me, including my family and friends. It was not just surviving infidelity. It was living happily through it without letting any of the present moments go wasted because of a stupid mistake that wasn't even mine. I love her, and that's all that matters. She loves me too, and this is all that I can wish for. Will she cheat again? I don't know, but I'm more than happy to say that it wouldn't affect me or my love for her in anyway.

I reverse-engineered my own past fears and struggles to understand more about myself and others, and to contribute to the happiness of my marriage and of that of other people.
This is the main reason why I joined this forum, and I hope my permanence here will be pleasurable and filled with interesting and useful discussion.
What the hell are you talking about.Your wife screws around and you are trying to tell yourself and us that it's a good thing.How is her confessing such a big ****in deal when you had allready discovered her adultry.
You are one of these people's that no matter how badly life treats them they will always say it could have been worse.You lose a leg in an accident,you say it could have been worth I might have lost both.It could have been a lot better too.
You feel you have developed personally and become immune to anything outside your inner sphere.I hope that's true because when the next guy catches her eye she will appreciate your ever forgiving mindset.
I hope to God that you haven't shared your thoughts with your cheating wife because you are literally giving her a license to cheat.
Grow a pair of balls ffs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
As a matter of interest was there full disclosure? Or was it rugswept?
It was fully disclosed in the end. Painful to hear as well... I felt a weird feeling in my stomach. I remember it clearly, but I've lived through that and got to know that feeling so well that doesn't scare me anymore
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Sounds to me like YOU are the one deserving of kudos, not your wife. YOU are the one who chose the RIGHT thing. Despite her actions, you made the positive outcome.

I did the same thing. My husband cheated, and our relationship today is far better than it was before he cheated. But that is DESPITE the fact he cheated, not BECAUSE of it.

Give credit where credit is due and don't make it sound like her choice to cheat was a good thing. Because it's NEVER a good thing to cheat. EVER. The two of you had the power to make things better without that happening.
Of course cheating in itself was not a good thing... was a horrible thing. But my forgiveness comes from the fact that she had those psychoemotional issues that I mentioned and that we went on resolving later on. For a while it felt like she was my patient and I was the psychologist:laugh:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,294 Posts
It was fully disclosed in the end. Painful to hear as well... I felt a weird feeling in my stomach. I remember it clearly, but I've lived through that and got to know that feeling so well that doesn't scare me anymore
She means did you tell friends, family, and especially OM's wife or gf, that your wife was cheating with this guy or did you "keep it quiet".
 
  • Like
Reactions: Hope1964

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
Of course cheating in itself was not a good thing... was a horrible thing. But my forgiveness comes from the fact that she had those psychoemotional issues that I mentioned and that we went on resolving later on. For a while it felt like she was my patient and I was the psychologist:laugh:
So you think you fixed her?? Buddy..................
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,977 Posts
Of course cheating in itself was not a good thing... was a horrible thing. But my forgiveness comes from the fact that she had those psychoemotional issues that I mentioned and that we went on resolving later on. For a while it felt like she was my patient and I was the psychologist:laugh:
I am going to be very polite here.
Buddy, you need help.
Professional help.
And one wife less.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,454 Posts
Ok I don't get this. You had to become new and re-engineer yourself because of your wife's ultimate betrayal of you?? She made a fool out of you by having sex with someone else and you don't feel the need to distrust her and demand full disclosure every moment and make her earn coming back to you???

Hey if that works for you, fine. I'm built differently then that. I could never say I loved someone who cheated on me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,611 Posts
This post seems kind of sad. You never speak of what your wife is doing to fix herself, if she doesn't fix it she will probably end up doing it again. You seem to almost hint that it might happen but basically you have decided that that is OK with you. After all you say, you love her. You never seem to ask the question does she love you, and even if she does what does that love look like. If that is enough for you so be it, but I suspect you post is more bravado. I find that people who knowingly accept the possibility/probability? of abuse never strike me as very emotionally strong. It's almost like you don't seem to be willing to dream that there is better out there for you. I guess if you feel like you loving her is enough. Usually though people get married partly because their spouse loves them, love is an action by the way. Again your life. Personally I would be happier alone. At least alone there is the possibility of finding someone who won't cheat.

I hope you are not like the guy who had a leak in his house and moves to the second floor and then tells everyone how wonderfully he solved the problem, yet the foundation is still rotting from water damage. I guess that is one way to live. Better to fix the leak though in my mind. Also I wonder if you have thought that in your strategy there is nothing from keeping your wife from one day abandoning you or your kids if you have them. People who post about basically forcing themselves to accept a kind of detente with a cheater always seem to forget that the cheater can change their mind too. In fact they very often do or eventually blow up their lives and everyone around them, because they never fix their demons. Just the very nature of being coupled to a person of low moral character gives them agency into your life, and power over you. There is a guy on here who did the same thing you are doing except he wasn't in love like you, he stayed for the kids, only to find out his wife was cheating on him for years she just got better at hiding it. At least he had already abandoned the misguided chains of unrequited love. Hasn't been easy even with that though from what he writes. I think part of that is the realization of wasting so much time.

That's the other thing you seem to be forgetting, there is one finite thing in all this that you can't get back. That's time. There is no replacement once it's gone it gone.

I suspect this post is more a pep talk for yourself anyway. Sorry I can't and won't help you with that. I am sure there will be others to come along to do that though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,310 Posts
That's swell.... hope the "love of my life", when I find her, doesn't decide to bang other dudes.







Pretty sure the best that could of happened was if she stayed faithful to you and didn't bone another guy.







It's sad to me that YOU need to change so SHE doesn't sleep with other men.







My definition of a mistake is dropping a glass of wine, not having sex with a stranger.







Welcome to the forum!



Obviously, deciding whether to take a cheating spouse back is a very personal decision and its yours to make. I'm glad you love her so much and decided to "take one for the team". I'm sorry she didn't love you enough not to screw another man. Here's my two cents on your story friend. You could of done better and your shameless codependence forced you to swallow a sh!t sandwich any sane person would of rather not eaten. Now you are trying to peddle this aforementioned sandwich as a filet minion in an attempt to make yourself not feel so horrible about what she did to you.



That's cool though, we all got issues. That's why we're here. Good luck bro.


HOW DARE YOU!









Dropping a glass of wine is an accident. NOT a mistake.

I have lost all confidence that your posts might actually be of good reasoning and sound advice now.







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
Hello everyone,

I have just joined this forum, which is very nice, and I thought it would be nice to share my story, which could help others currently in this situation.

My marriage was about to break into pieces a while ago when my wife cheated. I could sense that something was not right, even before everything happened.

I recall the sense of hopelessness of those days: suspicion and frustration were haunting me, constantly, corroding me, choking me slowly. I was losing control of myself, I felt like I was living a nightmare. Days and nights would go by and nothing ever changed, because I was afraid of asking, of exposing myself as vulnerable, weak.

I had to pretend everything was fine, even when she stopped kissing me in the morning, or looking at me in the eye while talking. We were not having sex anymore, she would come up with all possible excuses to avoid touching me.

When I found out about the affair, she confessed everything while bursting into tears...She said "I still love you" "I don't know why I did what I did" "Please give me another chance".

But I felt so empty inside. I still loved her and I love her to this day. I didn't know what to do: I was I supposed to get angry or to give in to my insecurities and just take revenge by cheating on her too?

But I didn't do any of these things. And I'm happy to say that I don't regret it. I could have divorced and lost the love of my life. The truth is, my wife cheating on me ended up being the best thing ever happened to my marriage.

The reason is, I decided that I had to take massive action if I wanted to make sure this would never happen again. I felt I wanted to rise from my ashes like a phoenix. And this is when I re-invented myself.

First, I looked out for help, read many self-help books, went to seminars, courses, talked to counselors, etc. Most of this stuff didn’t actually help, but the very process of feeling the urge to change, gave me a boost in the right direction.

I simply started seeing things from a different perspective. I realized than when people cheat, most of the time it has nothing to do with you, but with them. They have to realize this, and there’s nothing you can do if they don’t.

In fact, she did realize that the problem came about because of her own personal insecurities, and her difficult relationship with her father during her upbringing. She was left with an attention-seeking and needy personality that required validation and constant approval. She felt always lonely, no matter how and she felt the need to compensate with more attention.

And it wasn’t my fault. I was always present, willing to talk, caring and affectionate, no matter how busy I was with work or other things. But perhaps she started taking me for granted and sought different kind of attention. This episode however left her disappointed and broken. She didn’t want to lose me, and so I decided that I would carry on, because mistakes happen, and no matter how big they are, everyone deserves a second chance *especially* the person we love.

So, I stopped worrying about the past and start focusing on making my present with my wife enjoyable. Shall I say, I have become a new, perhaps better person? I really feel this way.
Forgiving my wife for what she did was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I feel so much better now, because we love each other and I couldn’t have let anything ruin my marriage.

Besides, that episode helped my personal development immensely, and I feel like there is hardly any battle that I cannot win. I feel so different from when I was living in fear, scarcity, anger and suspicion. I feel I have become immune to what happens outside of my own inner sphere. It's like I have created an indestructible bubble of happiness for myself that it's independent from anyone's thoughts, words or actions.

This vibrational state irradiates into my marriage and further around me, including my family and friends. It was not just surviving infidelity. It was living happily through it without letting any of the present moments go wasted because of a stupid mistake that wasn't even mine. I love her, and that's all that matters. She loves me too, and this is all that I can wish for. Will she cheat again? I don't know, but I'm more than happy to say that it wouldn't affect me or my love for her in anyway.

I reverse-engineered my own past fears and struggles to understand more about myself and others, and to contribute to the happiness of my marriage and of that of other people.
This is the main reason why I joined this forum, and I hope my permanence here will be pleasurable and filled with interesting and useful discussion.
So how long ago did all of this happen?

Is she still in contact with her (hopefully former) lover?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,266 Posts
So, what did your wife do, specifically, to show true remorse to you and a willingness to heal the marriage?

Because your post is about 97.9% of the heavy lifting that YOU did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,894 Posts
Yeah, seems like you did a LOT of work to re-sell yourself to her... Self improvement is still good and all.

Of course, like anything else in life - not everything is a one-size fits all. Like, what if she was banging several guys? And she didn't come back to the marriage?

Others have already asked the questions of time frame, etc.
 
1 - 20 of 36 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top