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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
ok so first off from this post i would like if no one told me to leave and all that i simply need help on trusting her again on getting over it getting on with my life and my family. i was deployed for 8 months, upon my return i found on my wife's laptop and skype account that she was having sexual conversations with multiple guys, there were no video conversations with these guys believe me i checked, she has proven to me that they were the only ones, i know most of you are going to say you're crazy leave her and all that...it's not going to happen, my problem i've had causing me to be the problem in the marriage is that i get pissed at her for the stupidest things i mean....stupid and it's because im holding what she did against her and i have no right to get mad for everything else that has nothing to do with what happened and it's not right lately since i have realized that things have been much better between us but my trust her has been broken damn near completely, she has some trust because i have gone through her computer inside and out and she was fine with it "she should be" but it's harder for me to completely trust her again one because she did what she did but 2 she is so secretive with her phone she never leaves it sitting there she always has it and at night it's hiding somewhere, anytime i walk up to her and she is on her phone she imediately turns it off and puts it in her lap or pocket or bra whatever, with me my phone is almost never always on me in fact i usually leave the house and forget it she knows my password she knows my password to every single account i have including my computer so she can access EVERYTHING i could possibly hide from her and thats because i have nothing to hide....should i be worried that she is hiding something from me? i just need help on how to get over what she did not forget what she did but be able to forgive her and to move on and live a happy life with her and my 2 step daughters please just help me with that nothing extra about leaving her and this and that.......
 

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My husband and I are both retired military, so I can relate to the deployment aspect and what happens between couples when one spouse is deployed for long periods of time.

I'm not going to tell you to leave her, but I am going to give you some hard truths and facts.

First of all, how long have you been married and what are your ages?

Second...regardless of the state of your marriage--SHE and SHE ALONE is to blame for what she has done, that was her choice and you are not at fault, regardless of whether she tries to spin it that you neglected her, yelled at her, whatever. She OWNS what she has done, you don't.

Third...you have a right to not trust her at this point. She has betrayed you, regardless of how she tries to justify it and she has to "earn" your trust back through actions, not words.

Fourth...the business with the phone--yes, she's hiding something. NO doubt about it and your suspicions are right on target.

Has she accepted responsibility for what she has done, apologized and made any amends to make it right (such as full access to anything she does on the computer, etc.?). It's obvious that you do not have full access to her phone, so that tells me that she has NOT been upfront with you and something is amiss.

You sound like you are desperate to keep this relationship together and I must ask why? Is it just love or some other motive?

How can you possibly ever trust her if she is still hiding things and has not been upfront with you and told you everything?

Do you really want to be in a marriage where you have to worry everytime you're not around and/or deployed as to what SHE is doing back home?

While I'm not going to tell you to just up and leave her--you do need to get your head out of your butt and demand full disclosure of what is going on and ASK HER what the deal is about the phone and I would also recommend marriage counseling.

Based on what YOU have stated here, she doesn't seem very sorry about what she did and it appears that some form of it is still going on and you need to find out what that is and why.

If you don't, then whatever is going on in front of you will happen everytime your back is turned.
 

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also we were married only for a month before i deployed and then 9 months at the time of my return home
Okay, you just answered my first question.

Married 30 days before you deployed and she's already sexting other men while you're gone?

Something sounds fishy here and stinks to high heaven.

How, may I ask did her first marriage or relationship of whatever she had to have two kids end?

I'm serious when I say that something just doesn't sound right here.

How long did you know her and how did you meet her?

And again, what are your ages and is there any age difference?

You can receive free marriage counseling through the Military Family Life Consultant (MFLC) at your respective base.

If you are Air Force, contact your Airman & Family Readiness Center for their contact #.

If you are another military service, they are normally called Family Support or something of that nature. The MFLC is a DoD-wide initiative and they are at every military base.

Good luck, you're gonna need it - only married 9 months and she is already having EAs (emotional affairs). I hate to say it, but you're in deep trouble.
 

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Have you changed your SGLI over to her yet?

I'm really concerned here, my bull-**** meter is pinging all over the place.
 

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juarez,

First and foremost, thank you for your service!

Listen to the advice you're getting here from people who have seen and lived it all.

She's up to alot more than you realize I'm sorry to say. Her hiding all her activities with her phone is a well known Red Flag around these parts.

Since you seem dteermined to stay, you need your wife to have 100% transparency with you. You should know about all accounts and all paswords. You should be free to check them whenevr you want, as often as you want until she has re-EARNED youe trust.

It is the responsibility of the cheater to do the heavy lifting to repair this, not YOU.

Having said all that, I think you need to find out what else she's up to before you can truly reconcile.

Put a VAR under the front seat of her car with velcro. Put a keylogger on the PC and dig into the cell phone records looking for texts and calls to other men. Only after knowing what is really going on will you be able to try any type of reconcilliation
 

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ok so first off from this post i would like if no one told me to leave and all that i simply need help on trusting her again on getting over it getting on with my life and my family. i was deployed for 8 months, upon my return i found on my wife's laptop and skype account that she was having sexual conversations with multiple guys, there were no video conversations with these guys believe me i checked, she has proven to me that they were the only ones, i know most of you are going to say you're crazy leave her and all that...it's not going to happen, my problem i've had causing me to be the problem in the marriage is that i get pissed at her for the stupidest things i mean....stupid and it's because im holding what she did against her and i have no right to get mad for everything else that has nothing to do with what happened and it's not right lately since i have realized that things have been much better between us but my trust her has been broken damn near completely, she has some trust because i have gone through her computer inside and out and she was fine with it "she should be" but it's harder for me to completely trust her again one because she did what she did but 2 she is so secretive with her phone she never leaves it sitting there she always has it and at night it's hiding somewhere, anytime i walk up to her and she is on her phone she imediately turns it off and puts it in her lap or pocket or bra whatever, with me my phone is almost never always on me in fact i usually leave the house and forget it she knows my password she knows my password to every single account i have including my computer so she can access EVERYTHING i could possibly hide from her and thats because i have nothing to hide....should i be worried that she is hiding something from me? i just need help on how to get over what she did not forget what she did but be able to forgive her and to move on and live a happy life with her and my 2 step daughters please just help me with that nothing extra about leaving her and this and that.......
The red part is incompatible with the rest. You have convinced yourself that this was all your fault and you should even be thankful that she "only" cheated on you.

Apparently you are willing to do a Reconciliation at all costs, doesn't even matter if she may be texting with other guys. And since you're set on that way you may begin preparing yourself to be in an asymmetrical marriage. One where she does want the heck she wants and keeps you in a leash.

Why are you still suspicious of her? Let me see, you're deployed, you find out about the cyberfun and you want to believe that was all it went down. Does someone really has to say it? No, right, you know it.

I have an advice for you but since you're not interested good luck with your relationship with your loving wife.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thank you everyone for the responses, after reading your posts, i did in fact go to her and ask her about her phone (she had no "clue" i was going to ask her about it) she got a little irritated but handed her phone over gave me her password and let me go through it as i did with her laptop, i found nothing, both laptop and phone (obviously) are connected to her facebook i went through all her messages to before we started talking and found nothing, while she was somewhat irritated she was more then willing to let me go through them her laptop again, even though she hasn't used her laptop since i found out about her EA i still went through it just in case. married wife to answer your questions we met in high school a little over 8 years ago. her last relationship ended because he was a drug addict and just messed up immensely, also it wasn't right after i left that this happened it actually happened a month before i returned. i just turned 24 in July and she is 23 in Nov so not to much of an age difference, as for the marriage counseling i am going to look into it i am in the Navy and Currently Stationed in San Diego on the Air Base. workingonme i appreciate your advice regardless of how "harsh" it may have been, im not saying that because she opened everything up to me that i feel totally better but i do feel better and feel that i can actually get back to where we were before this happened, im sure i'll get some backlash for that and i'll take it as it comes with my ears and eyes wide open, again thank you everyone for your input i really appreciate it harsh or not
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
juarez,

First and foremost, thank you for your service!

Listen to the advice you're getting here from people who have seen and lived it all.

She's up to alot more than you realize I'm sorry to say. Her hiding all her activities with her phone is a well known Red Flag around these parts.

Since you seem dteermined to stay, you need your wife to have 100% transparency with you. You should know about all accounts and all paswords. You should be free to check them whenevr you want, as often as you want until she has re-EARNED youe trust.

It is the responsibility of the cheater to do the heavy lifting to repair this, not YOU.

Having said all that, I think you need to find out what else she's up to before you can truly reconcile.

Put a VAR under the front seat of her car with velcro. Put a keylogger on the PC and dig into the cell phone records looking for texts and calls to other men. Only after knowing what is really going on will you be able to try any type of reconcilliation
Thank You for the support...without the support from all of you back home we would have no reason to do what we do
 

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Glad to hear she opened up things to you.

Being 23 says a lot also. Still growing at that age and with children and a new marriage.

Perhaps she doesn't know how to deal with being alone or "lonely."

Counselling can help that--if she's not used to being a military wife, there are many organizations on-base that can help her keep busy (and the children) when you are deployed.

The place you need to go is the Fleet and Family Support Center if you are at Naval Base San Diego.

They can help with getting you in touch with the MFLC for counseling and also any other types of services they offer for families and families of deployed members.

In addition, there may be a spouse organization either on the base or within your unit that can be supportive also.

She may have simply had too much time on her hands and was lonely and someone paid her attention, she's 23, etc., etc. I was that age and I can understand how it can happen.

But--she needs to understand that this type of behavior is totally unacceptable not only as your wife, but a mother and a military spouse. Her behavior can reflect on you and your military career.

Counselling will help to get everything out in the open and she could do one-on-one herself and discover why she felt the need to reach out to someone else with things that should have be yours alone.

If the MFLC doesn't work out, also try militaryonesource.com. A free, 24-hour available counseling source, etc. to all branches of service and their active duty members/families.

Also, if she's interested in furthering her education, the Air Force has a program called MyCAA that offers up to $4,500 in free education funds for degree programs, certifications, etc., for spouses of military members in certain grades. Militaryonesource.com can help with that also, I believe that MyCAA is for all services.

She can be irritated all she wants, but you did the right thing and she actually did the right thing in allowing transparency of what she was doing.

Good luck. If you need any other sources for help, just PM me and I'll provide them (I work, post-retirement at an AF base and have access to resources that can assist you).
 
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