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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It seems like a lot of people find great words of encouragement on here, so I thought I would give it a try. My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We have 2 children. We were really good friends before we committed to a serious relationship and figured...why can't this work? We are great together. Well, years have passed, and recently my wife dropped a bombshell on me. The whole "I don't know that I have ever been in love with you" line. We have had quite a few conversations lately and have realized that we don't talk nearly enough to each other about how we feel. The part that scares me, is that she said she has never really felt a spark with me. I tried early on in our relationship to be a romantic and always please her, but she is very emotionally shut down and most times rejects any intimate time. She is literally the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life and is capable of so much joy and happiness. She has a lot of self doubt, and lacks the desire to spend much time pleasing others. I have recently learned as well that there are some very deep emotional issues with her mother. They have a very intense relationship where her mother demands a lot of emotional need from my wife. I believe a lot of this has pulled her desire to meet much of my emotional needs. I have become very self conscience about my own masculinity, and now have doubts about my ability to get back my groove. We have reached a point where she has agreed to work on our relationship, but I am at a loss on the right things to do on my end to help her strengthen her confidence and ability to love. She is a wonderful mother and a great wife, but her dark cloud around her is starting to consume our whole family. I want to get her back to a happy place for her own sake and if I am fortunate, for my sake too! I love her so much!
 

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NGU, welcome to the TAM forum. I suspect that the reason you have not gotten any other responses yet is that it is very unclear as to whether your W has simply fallen out of love with you -- or, instead, is suffering some disorder (e.g., depression) arising from a hormone change or perhaps from childhood damage caused by her mother.

If you had 5 great years with her (followed by a troubled 6th year), then you seem to be describing a sudden change, e.g., falling out of love or going through a hormone change. It therefore would be helpful if you would provide far more detail about the nature of her "dark cloud," when it first appeared, how persistent it is (everyday?), and details about your ages and how loving/caring she was before the change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for the reply Uptown. I truly feel like she hasn't fallen out of love. Because she still seems troubled. She still says "I love you" unprovoked. She still offers "petting" and simple gestures that say I love you. Her issue seems to be more of there is a spark that she says she has never felt with me. She doesn't want to go somewhere else for it, but she is unsure or not confident that she can ever have it with me. It is a hard thing to hear as a man, but I am obviously more concerned with working through this rather than let ego or pride get in the way. We have a tremendous friendship, and I am aware that we haven't had a spark as well. We lack a lot of intimacy and we have let life block us both off from each other for too long. The scary part for me was that it came to such a head without warning. She actually reached a point where running from me, the kids, and her life at home with us was an option. She is sticking it out now, and wanting to try and figure this out. The problem now is, where to go from here. I don't want her to fix this on her own, and I am having a hard time convincing her that problems are normal. Problems happen to the best of us! Together we can work this out and move forward to a new better place. I am almost positive counseling is a must for both of us. The meds part makes me nervous. I have friends who swear that meds have saved their relationships due to wives with "imbalances'. I have old world beliefs that faith and love can push through most things, but I am not foolish enough to not try anything to save our marriage. I love her too much and our kids deserve a family.

In regards to your questions, she clearly has resentment towards her mother. This has caused quite a bit of guilt and layered anger for my wife. I believe these roots have made it difficult for my wife to enjoy love and to project love. According to my wife, she has been trying to learn to love me over the course of our relationship. The kids kind of rooted her in and she just figured that our love would grow as time went on. I didnt make this any easier on her, because I spent a lot of time at work and didn't carve out enough time for us. But I have been a good husband who makes as much time as possible when I could for her/us. If my wife was in a good place, this would have been fine. But not knowing that she was learning to love me, I didn't really stand a chance to get this right without us talking about it. She definitely has battled anxiety over the years. She has her good days and her bad like most people I know do. I notice that alcohol comes in to play off and on. Some weeks she will drink wine every night after work. Some weeks she will go the whole time without a drop. She has a hard time loving the children consistently as well. She has spoken to me recently about her guilt for not trying to be a better parent. I assured her that we are all in this together, and we can always improve. I try and encourage her that we can always try better tomorrow and to not hang her head about yesterday. Overall, she has a hard time being positive and trying to control her own destiny. When I say dark cloud, I guess I really mean despair. She seems sometimes like she feels like she can't live up to what she thinks myself or the kids expect from her. We never tell her she has failed, or even that we are not happy with her. We shower her love and she deflects it most times. This is where I feel the breakdown is.
 

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She still offers "petting" and simple gestures that say I love you. Her issue seems to be more of there is a spark that she says she has never felt with me.

She doesn't want to go somewhere else for it, but she is unsure or not confident that she can ever have it with me.

It is a hard thing to hear as a man, but I am obviously more concerned with working through this rather than let ego or pride get in the way.

We have a tremendous friendship, and I am aware that we haven't had a spark as well. We lack a lot of intimacy and we have let life block us both off from each other for too long.

The scary part for me was that it came to such a head without warning. She actually reached a point where running from me, the kids, and her life at home with us was an option.

She is sticking it out now, and wanting to try and figure this out. The problem now is, where to go from here.

I don't want her to fix this on her own, and I am having a hard time convincing her that problems are normal.

In regards to your questions, she clearly has resentment towards her mother.

But not knowing that she was learning to love me, I didn't really stand a chance to get this right without us talking about it.

She definitely has battled anxiety over the years. She has her good days and her bad like most people I know do. .
Hi This is a hard one.

If your W never loved you the way passionate lovers would, then she will miss this forever..It's called a "human need"...We all want to fall madly in love and be with the person for the rest of our life. If she had never done this, then she is bound to long for this..

Some people (both men and women) do marry someone out of social pressure / for security or thinking "it would a good thing to do" or "we have such great friendship together" etc but these marriages tend to reach to a point where Wife or H starts to feel unfulfilled and longing for "true love".

At least, she is honest about the way she felt about you. I think this is one of the worst things which can happen to wife or husband imho. I have once read about a woman who had four young children and her husband suddenly told her that he was never in love with her and he had to leave...

Wish you all the best,
 

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Fellow hope.

I'm reading a lot of the exact same words my s2bxw said to me. At the end of the day its just me and my DS. No real idea what happened. The change occurred overnight.

I sounded so similar to you its eerie and scary. Forced to look inward I also said, "I focused too much on work", "maybe its something I did", "she is depressed, it has to be that."

Being told that you were never loved is the most painful thing I have ever been through. I offer empathy to you.

That being said. To me it sounds like there is a spark there at least from you. Regardless of what you say I think you are in the fog about this. The challenging is finding a good councilor to help sort through her emotions and the fact that she is sticking it out with you and not going straight to divorce gives you that chance.

IC, MC is your number #1 priority. Since she is being amicable and wanting to work it out. DO NOT CHOKE HER with love. In fact, detach a little. Try and keep the ship running as per normal but understand that NORMAL IS BROKEN! So don't overdo it.

Finally, do you have any reason to believe that there is someone else? A quick check of cell phone usage on the bill should be all you need to know as far as where to start.
 
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