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Discussion Starter #1
Good morning to everyone. This weekend (10/6/12) my wife asked me for a divorce. I was absolutely heartbroken. We have had this discussion before and we have gone to counseling. Things got better for a while, but eventually, both of us stopped doing what we said we would do from counseling.

Here is my back story:

My wife and I met while she was in college. Her school was over 300 miles away, but we made it work for a year and a half long distance. When she moved her, she immediately moved in with me. We were engaged shortly after. We bought a house and planned to have a kid. Well, the economy tanked and I lost my company and eventually our house. We had our daughter 3 months before we lost the house. I was unemployed for a year before I got a job (where I currently am) in the same field that my company was in. During that year of unemployment, we fought a lot. I could not find a job and did not feel as if I was the man that I needed to be to provide for my family. I was depressed (without knowing it. Looking back on it, I think i never really got out of that depression) and I withdrew a lot from my family. I We rented a place and started trying to piece together our lives. My wife stayed home with our daughter and I worked full time. My wife asked for a separation and we went to counseling. She said that she felt alone and that I was not there for her. We did not do things together any more. We made an action plan to change some of those concerns and we left counseling stronger for it.

Unfortunately, it did not last. The two of us both got wrapped up in our normal day to day and became complacent. Mostly on my part. I would come home and want to relax. I put her and our marriage on the bottom wrung of the importance ladder and over time it has worn her down.

She came to me on Saturday and said that she is no longer in love with me. She loves me, but does not feel in love with me. She says that she wants a divorce. We are still living together and we still see each other every day. I have moved my bed into the guest room for the time being.

We talked a little about it during the day and then went to a family members house. That night we watched TV together and she said "this just does not feel real".

Yesterday, she had an appointment with her best friend to try on bridesmaids dresses. She was there from 10 - 3. She got home and said "I have to leave soon, (her friend) wants to meet and talk about more stuff around here)". I say ok, and my daughter and I continue to play. She leaves at 4:30 and by 7:00 has not called me back. I call her friend to find out that she was not with her! I put the pieces together and know that she is with someone else. I ask her when she gets home (i was not rude, angry, etc) and she admits that she went out with a guy for coffee. This was a first time thing (i know for sure, since she is NEVER away from me or my daughter). I know that it is someone she met in her running group, though. She does not like any one at her job, so the only place would be there.

I get upset and say that I am leaving to spend the night at my familys house. I never yelled at her or anything. I showed that it hurt me, but that is it. We talked for a little bit and she said that she has been lonely for so long. I told her that I know that I have not been attentive to her. I told her that i have not been the husband that she needs or deserves. I told her (after a lot of soul searching and reflection) that I think that I am not the person that I was because I am not the person that I want to be. I hate my job, I am not happy with where we are in our lives, I am not happy that I lost my business and house. I feel inadequate to her. I told her that I know that there are things that I need to do for myself to become a better person. I need to do them not for her, but for myself. I have already found another job (in a different field, which I enjoy) and am starting to try to do other things to improve my own self esteem and satisfaction.

I talked to her for a while last night about this. She told me that she loves me. She was crying the whole time. She told me that she wants that person to be me that makes her feel happy and loved. She told me she still thinks we need a separation for a while. I told her that I am going to go to counseling and try to fix myself. She asked to digest all of this. I told her that I appreciated that she told me about the coffee that she had with the guy, but would have rather her told me from the get go. She told me she did not want to rub it in my face. She went to bed without another word that night.

This morning, she went running at our gym (not the running group) and when she got home, she took a shower. I, stupidly, checked her phone text and saw that her and the guy texted this morning. She told him that she was happy because she was thought of him and that she had a great time. he said he did too and that he can not wait to see her this weekend (her running group).

I called a counselor this morning and made an appointment. The counselor wanted both of us there, so I called the wife and asked her. She said she would go, but that she is not promising anything. I told her I understand.

That is my story.

Things to note:

I am reading 'The Divorce Remedy' by Michele Weiner Davis and I have read and saved the 180 plan.

Please give me some guidance and help. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I do not want to separate. I think i need to show her that I can still be the man that she loved. I need to show her that I can treat her the way that she deserves. She needs to be a priority to me, which I finally see. I want to take her somewhere just the two of us and try to reconnect. Is that a bad idea? I know the 180 says no romantic trips.

Thank you all.
 

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I think at this point you should definitely show her your best side and don't resist anything she says. She is looking for ways to justify leaving you and being with the guy. Try not to give her any justification.

Another person in her life is very difficult to overcome. That new spark, the freshness, the feeling of being loved and touched again is darn near impossible for you to counter. You may just have to let it run its course until she finds flaws in him while seeing none in you. Then she will come around.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for your response.

She just emailed me back saying "I think I’m set on my decision. But, of course, I would do this (therapy) for you. I still deeply respect and love you".
 

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Yeah. You might want to tell her "if you are set on your decision don't bother coming to therapy. thank you for loving me. thank you for the best years of my life. thank you for our child (if you have one together). I wish you well with your new lover."

And do not speak to her anymore. This will make her start thinking of you and make having fun with him more difficult.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Yeah. You might want to tell her "if you are set on your decision don't bother coming to therapy. thank you for loving me. thank you for the best years of my life. thank you for our child (if you have one together). I wish you well with your new lover."

And do not speak to her anymore. This will make her start thinking of you and make having fun with him more difficult.
I took it as she thinks, but it is not set in stone yet. I dont want to move out, but i can leave and stay at a family members house if I need to. i just do not want to give her the ability to go and see this person more. It will make it that much harder to reconcile.

I hope she is willing to go to therapy and give it an honest attempt.

I appreciate your responses. I do not know what I would do right now without this site.
 

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Make sure you bring up the om in this session. After this one I would not do another until she goes nc. If you know who this guy is expose him if he has gf or wife.Bring it to the light of day.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Make sure you bring up the om in this session. After this one I would not do another until she goes nc. If you know who this guy is expose him if he has gf or wife.Bring it to the light of day.
I am sorry what is OM and NC?

I think the guy is single.

You stay in the house let her leave!:mad:
There is that too. This is how it would probably go. She can go stay with her parents and I stay at home with our daughter.
 

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There really is not much you can do IMO. She sounds like she has made up her mind. The whole thing sounds a lot like my situation. She feels neglected, ignored and is unhappy. Either because you didn't meet her expectations of showering her with attention or you didn't take her out enough <Insert other things she expected to make her happy here>. You blame yourself, but she has a hand in this as well. The problem sounds like she found someone who she can talk to about her problems with you. This tends to make a person feel connected to this other person. When you start confiding personal details of your life on an emotional level, you start to form an emotional connection. She may get the feeling that this other person understands her and is easier to talk to than you. Plus since this other person is new she has no idea about his issues or problems, but she knows you and all your faults. I wouldn't be surprised if she has been communicating with this guy for awhile.

She thinks this new person will make her happy, but will find out down the road that is not the case. Love is something you feel when you do things for the other person. The more love you put into that person the more connected you feel. Sounds like she expected you to make her happy with no thought about you. How much did she do to show you love? Everyone gets unhappy at some point, but not everyone thinks they need another lover to make them happy again.

From what I read here the best course is to stop pleading and begging. Quit giving her things to discuss with this other guy. Let her go. The more you try to keep her the more she will want to leave. This seperation and/or divorce does not mean the end of the relationship. If you still love her down the road there is always a chance to win her back. But why would you?

What makes me think she has feelings for someone else is the phrase "She loves me, but does not feel in love with me". There is no such thing. You either love someone or you don't. That 'in love feeling' is a illusion. Its the excitement of being with someone new and fresh. Something that will always fade after enough time together. Eventually all relationships go through this. If you love someone you put forth the commitment to make things work.

Do a search for that phrase "Loves me, but not in love with me" on the net and you will see almost everyone agrees that 90% of the time someone else is in the picture.

Hope that helps. Its tough when you love someone and they pull this on you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
^This. Under no circumstances do you make her choice convenient for her.

And her going to counseling "for you" is a concession to relieve her of her guilt.
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So, should i say something like "do not go to counseling unless you really want to work on this. If it is guilt that is making you go, do not go. "

om=other man nc= no contact
Thanks.
 

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Yeah, don't leave the house. And tell her NOT to come to therapy if she has her mind set. It will only be a train wreck. Show her your strength by telling her not to come. It will boggle her mind.

She is going to see him. You cannot stop that. You have to accept that painful truth. But if you allow it, it will end sooner than later.
 

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So, should i say something like "do not go to counseling unless you really want to work on this. If it is guilt that is making you go, do not go. "



Thanks.
I would just respond directly to what she has already told you. "Since you are set in your decision I see no reason for you to come to therapy. Please do not come. I will go and the help I need to take care of myself and our daughter. Thanks."

And that be it.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
thank you all. I just sent her this:

I understand how you feel, but if you are not willing to work on our marriage and are set in your decision, I do not think you should come to therapy. I do not want you to go just because you feel guilty. If you want to save what we have, by all means come to therapy. I will go to therapy today and get the help I need to take care of myself and our daughter.
 
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I would just respond directly to what she has already told you. "Since you are set in your decision I see no reason for you to come to therapy. Please do not come. I will go and the help I need to take care of myself and our daughter. Thanks."

And that be it.
Solon is giving you the best course of action her. It is also important that you say it exactly how he phrased it. Calm, cool, emotionless.

My stbxw "agreed" to MC and upon her arrival when asked what her goals were she said guidance on how to live seperately and coparenting.

These things play out like a script on here. Have a look around. I bet yours won't lift a finger to work on your marriage too.


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Discussion Starter #17
i agree, she does not seem to want to do anything to fix it. I will post what she says shortly.

Thank you all.
 

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Perfect! Now don't say anything else to her. Be strong. It will be HARD! But stick to it. She is internalizing it now.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
She replied with "I was going today with the desire to talk it out, but not work things out......

Would you still want me to go if that's the case?
 

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She replied with "I was going today with the desire to talk it out, but not work things out......

Would you still want me to go if that's the case?
Here's what will happen if you do go under those conditions.

In so many words, the MC more or less say there is not much he/she can do because working on it takes two.

Then presto, her actions and decision to leave you have been validated by a professional.

She "tried" but even the MC said there was no hope for your marriage.

Move on brother.
 
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