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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times.

When we met, she was 18 and I was 21. She was a virgin. We had sex all the time. Then I went away to college and we sort of lost touch. We got back together a few years later. We lived together for 4-5 years and has sex quite a bit in the beginning but then she started losing a lot of interest.

We have always been healthy, I had a successful business, we owned a home, we smiled and laughed a lot, but after awhile she simply was not interested in sex anymore. I would ask her all the time and she kept shooting me down. It was embarrassing for me. I was beginning to feel like a pervert. I finally told her that if she was going to keep saying "no" to me then I was going to stop asking her. I think saying that was the best thing she ever heard. I think she was relieved.

As strange as it may seem, I still asked her to marry me. We had been together for so long, and I thought it would add a new energy and milestone to our lives.

We might be the only couple in the world who did not have sex on our Honeymoon. We were in a beautiful B&B. It did not matter. At least 2 years went by. I think we were in a hotel once and we had sex. I barely remember.

A year or so later we were in another hotel room and I told her that I really wish I did not have to wear condoms all the time. They hurt me and I was always red and my skin felt terribly dry and raw after. I asked if she would go on birth control pills and she said no.

We have never had sex in any of the apartments or homes we lived in. Only hotels.

4 times in 10 years!

Did she ever have an affair? No. Not her. Believe me. She has no friends. She is quiet as a mouse. She has no energy. She rarely speaks. She is probably one of the most boring people I ever met in my life. I am sorry to say that because she has many good qualities. She is kind and considerate and honest. But she is always falling asleep. She can fall asleep 30 seconds after sitting down on the couch. I've ever seen anything like it. And it is not because she has such an exhausting job. She doesn't. I just think her mind is so empty that she can just go blank.

This sounds really insulting, huh?

Is she dumb? No. But she is not like me. In fact, if we were not married, and if we were not together for so long, I don't think I'd want to be friends with her. Simply because we have absolutely nothing to talk about.

She suffers from depression like her mom. Oh, man, her mom. Are you ready for this? I have NEVER seen her mother smile. Ever. Not once. She is the most negative creature on earth. and my wife has become the same way. Would you believe I actually ask my wife to smile? I do. I say, "smile!" And she doesn't. I ask her t laugh and she doesn't. Who on earth asks their wife to smile and laugh?

We have no children. I always wanted children. She hates them. I asked her last year if she wants to have one and she said no. I have been in a very bad mood lately. I am in my 30's. I have accomplished a great deal and I have no one to leave anything to. When I die, it'll be like I never existed. The state will come and throw all of my things away when she or I are gone.

She is nearly 40 now. The store will be closing. Even if she agrees to have a child or children, will it even happen anymore?

If you met me you'd never believe this. No one seems happier. No one smiles more. No one seems more excited, energetic, and thrilled to be alive. But I am in a friendless, sexless, joyless marriage.

One more thing I want to make clear. She does not speak. I am not kidding. She can go the entire day and not say a word. Meanwhile, I can talk and talk and talk.

If I leave her she will be alone forever. I don't want her to be alone. But I am all alone. I will be for the rest of my life.

I will never get those years back. How could I let it go on or this long? Is it possible to change someone's entire personality?

I don't know what to do.

Any advice, my wise and experienced friends?
 

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Get out. No kids makes it easier. Sex 4 times in 10 years???? That's just crazy. Life's too short. Your life sounds miserable, I am sorry to say that, I don't know how manage to smile and be happy go lucky. Not your problem if she will be alone the rest of her life if you leave.
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Both of you have a right to a fulfilling, healthy, sexual marriage. You clearly seem to want that. She seems to be ok with the way things are. LOTS of time has gone by in the mean time...and life is too short to waste it like this in my opinion!

I would change your situation and move in a new direction. Maybe that means MC, or maybe that means divorce. Only you will know. Once you make this directional change, you will kick yourself for not doing this 10 years ago. I hope you both find happiness.
 
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I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times.
From my perspective, you're lucky. How about that?

We might be the only couple in the world who did not have sex on our Honeymoon.
Nope. Lot's of us who didn't have sex on our honeymoons.

She has no friends. She is quiet as a mouse. She has no energy. She rarely speaks. She is probably one of the most boring people I ever met in my life. I am sorry to say that because she has many good qualities. She is kind and considerate and honest.
That's exactly how my wife is so you're not alone.

I agree with the others. Get out. She's got issues she needs to deal with and it's not your responsibility to wait around another 20 years to see if she ever addresses them.
 

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Filing for divorce might wake her up. If she knows you'll leave without sex she might start doing it. But even if she doesn't, and you end up leaving her, you'll be better off. So filing divorce, you'll be better off whether you go through with it or not. Just don't do it as a bluff.
 

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This woman needs serious medical attention. First off, she may have narcolepsy. Falling asleep in 30 sec after sitting down isn't normal...but is common in narcolepsy. Her lack of energy, her zombie-like state could be from that, as well as possibly hypothyroidism.

I have a mild form of narcolepsy. I suffered from torturous sleepiness from the time I was a teenager. My parents always said I was "just growing" and would eventually grow out of it. I didn't. As an adult, I saw several doctors. All of them blew me off and said to just exercise and take a vitamin every day. Until I found my current doctor about 10 years ago, I lived hour to hour desperately sleepy, longing for it to be bedtime. It was no way to live. My doctor had me tested for sleep disorders then prescribed a medication. I take it once a day in the morning. It has changed my life. When I started taking it, I felt like I was actually alive for the first time ever. I started excelling at my job, I put myself back through college to further my degree, I started pursuing hobbies...I was no longer a zombie. I also found out I was hypothyroid, and treating that has helped immensely as well.

Demand that she see a doctor. You might even need to go in with her and explain to the doctor what behavior you're seeing in her that is concerning. I doubt that all of her behavior is related to a possible medical condition. But, if there are treatable conditions, having those addressed might wake her up to be more interested in improving herself.
 

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Wow. There is not one reason for you to be with her. Not one.

I hate to say it so harshly, but you've wasted years of your life in a relationship that gave you none of the basic things a marriage should: Love, companionship, passion, happiness, intimacy.


Those years are gone and you can't get them back.

You can however get tomorrow and the next days after that back.

Divorce your roommate. You are not currently living in a marriage - what you are living in is a monastery with another inmate. Leave the monastery and find a partner and friend and lover you can have a life with.
 

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I feel for you, but I guess I'm not understanding these two sentences when taken together:


I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times.

A year or so later we were in another hotel room and I told her that I really wish I did not have to wear condoms all the time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I suppose the easiest thing for me to do now is to continue on with complaints about her, but what more could possibly be said that would offer different advice? If I told you more about my married life, you'd be sick.

In the immortal words of Dorothy Parker, ''... if I wrote about mine you wouldn't sit in the same room with me.''

I have thought about getting her to a doctor, but even if she takes something to "snap her out of it," she honestly does not have the personality to smile, laugh, and be happy anyway. She has no hobbies, no friends, no interests, and nothing to look forward to. I don't know how anyone can go through life that way. I always have books to read, things to check out, and countless things I want to do.

She comes home from work and watched Glee or one of those Chef Ramsey shows on ROKU. If I have to hear the same damn episodes of Fraser on more time I am going to go out of my mind. How do people watch the same repeats of shows over and over again? I can understand watching he Wizard of Oz or Willie Wonka on TV once a year, during the holidays, but not tthe same freakin' episodes of Golden Girls over and over again.

She's not like dealing with a girl. She's not like dealing with a lady. She's like dealing with a . . . postal employee. Talking to her is like ordering stamps. There is no real conversation. It's a transaction. Ask a question. Get an answer. Actually, most of the time I don't even get an answer. She tells me, "I'm thinking."

So, does she suffer from depression and need medicine??? Yeah. I am sure of that. Would taking medicine make her the type of person I want to see and speak with and have sex with everyday? No.

Sad, huh?

How does one make the decision to leave someone else behind who did not consciously do anything wrong? It's not like she robbed me, cheated me, went out of her way to harm me. She did not take the time or energy to do anything to wrong me.

Instead ... she did "nothing." Ever. Maybe that's worse?

How does one leave another? How can I just leave and let her come home to an empty house?

What could she possibly tell her family that would not embarrass her? She does not have it in her to make me into the "enemy" as happens when couples split. I will not suddenly became the mean, miserable jerk that men and women accuse each other of being when they split up. She won't do that and I won't do that.

What could I possibly tell my family? After all, she is so quiet, and kind, and gentle. She does not have it in her to harm anyone, so how can I harm her?

These are the reasons I have stayed. These are the reasons I have not cheated. I don't have it in me to harm her and I would not be able to think straight for the rest of my life if I do.
 

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She seems so apathetic, are you sure your leaving her would devastate her the way you think it would? It almost seems like if you told her you wanted to leave, she'd say "oh, ok...it was nice knowing you" and turn back to watching the Golden Girls rerun.

If it would provoke a reaction, maybe that would be good too...for you to see her have SOME show of emotion. Perhaps a trial separation would be worth considering.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
I feel for you, but I guess I'm not understanding these two sentences when taken together:
Let me see if I can clear up the confusion. When we first started dating she was a virgin and she fell in love with me. (I guess I fell I love with her, too. There is no generic way to define what love is. We all think different things at different times in our lives).

She was hoping she and I would have sex (after all, we were dating for awhile!) so she got on birth control pills. Eventually she went off of them because of side-effects, etc. We started using condoms. I never liked them. Maybe I should have shopped around. Try different ones, etc.

Anyway, we had sex 3-4 times in 10 years. Always in hotel rooms when we were away on a trip. Even though I say she does not speak, I am half-joking and half-not. It is true that she is quiet as a mouse. She can go the entire day without speaking. But I am not married to someone with a brain injury. She DOES speak. So during a conversation I told her that I don't like using condoms for the reasons I stated. I asked if she would consider going back on birth control. She said NO. I dropped the subject and never mentioned it again.

Maybe she was afraid of saying YES because that would mean that she would be ready and willing to have sex in the future. Seems pretty obvious, right? So she said NO ... and that way she got to throw her little crumb at me (the one night of sex since forever ago), and then she got to turn away.

She is probably happy that I told her that the condoms bother me. I bet you if we went to counseling she would bring that up and say that was the reason why we have not had sex. She's say, "Oh! It's not my fault. I told him that birth control pills affect me, but he does not want to use condoms."

Do you see how the above sort of takes her out of the equation and she can place the blame on me?

By the way, it is not easy to speak to her the way normal people speak to each other. She does NOT reply to questions. She is blank. She'll stare at me and start crying.

THAT is what I have been dealing with for my entire life since I married her. I married a pretty, kind, sweet, gentle woman who does NOT have any friends, any interests, and who does not speak to me. Or maybe a better way of saying it is - she does not "communicate" with me.

I don't want to beat up on her. There are nearly 7 billion people in the world. There are plenty of women - and men - like her. Unfortunately, I married one.
 

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She is cheating! She is cheating you out of a real life with a loving married partner. No different than giving it to another man and not you. Same results.
 

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I still think you should leave, but that doesn't mean I think it's all her fault. Actually I suspect that it's mostly your fault. You probably won't like hearing that, but you're the one who allowed it to go this far. You're the one who didn't enforce marital boundaries. You're the one who dropped the subject at the least objection.

Look, I know it's mostly your fault because I've been there and I was you. And it was mostly my fault. Figuring that out was the first step to fixing it. In this case it's probably too late. But you'll still need to fix yourself for your next relationship. Or it will eventually Be a repeat.
 

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I still think you should leave, but that doesn't mean I think it's all her fault. Actually I suspect that it's mostly your fault. You probably won't like hearing that, but you're the one who allowed it to go this far. You're the one who didn't enforce marital boundaries. You're the one who dropped the subject at the least objection.
:iagree:

This is your fault too. You put up with this abysmal lifestyle and taught her she could have it that way.

The thing is what will you do about it now?
 
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