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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let me start from the beginning
Met in college, She was one of the most athletic, fit, sexy women I had ever met. I was an athlete too, so I was very attracted to that. We would workout together, often. Incredible turn on etc...

7 years, got married, life happened, I got shoulder surgery, she just got less active. We both put on a lot of weight, about 40ish lbs each. No kids or anything, so figured it would be as good a time as any since kids tend to make things tough for couples to take care of themselves I decided enough was enough, time to get serious about this since it's a serious health risk (cardiac issues in my family tree), and honestly I looked like sh*t, really we both did...

I told her I needed her support, and wanted her to go through it with me. She kinda went through the motions, but really she wasn't serious... I did my best to support, understand, involve her, let her lead through the process, solicit her ideas and feedback etc. But she didn't really have the discipline to hit the goals, just a lot of resistance and excuses..which I would have helped push her through if she would have allowed...but she is her own person and I respect that... And in reality the outcomes are what matters...

Fast Fwd 13 months... I've lost 45 lbs, she has lost about 5...

Now I see my physical desire dropping, though my libido in general is high, don't want to cheat, and wouldn't dream of it. Been substituting with the gym, willpower and some occasional porn when times really get tough. Emotionally, still close to her, love her dearly, but she's slowly becoming the unattractive close friend in my eyes...I just want her to at least TRY lol.

Tried bringing it up, it just starts a fight, and the whole "deflection" or "turning it around" defensive arguing happens, which is never productive...

Just kinda lost, a friend referred me, just wanted to get some feedback...
 

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Sounds like you have done a lot, even with trying to encourage her. Since we all have choices, and you chose to do something about things, and she is choosing right now for whatever reason, not to, what do you feel will need to happen? There comes a time when people hit a brick wall, and when you do, you will need to sit down and think long and hard about what you need to do for you.

BTW, does she appear depressed, or has anything happened that might make her desire and motivation go down hill?
 

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Its not at all nice to be pushed into things by your partner and I know when my husband tries it I'm already predisposed to hate whatever activity it is. If he was criticizing my looks at the same time I would hit the roof.

What sports was she into at college? Perhaps you could offer to play a team game with her so you spend more time together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sounds like you have done a lot, even with trying to encourage her. Since we all have choices, and you chose to do something about things, and she is choosing right now for whatever reason, not to, what do you feel will need to happen? There comes a time when people hit a brick wall, and when you do, you will need to sit down and think long and hard about what you need to do for you.

BTW, does she appear depressed, or has anything happened that might make her desire and motivation go down hill?
Hasn't appeared depressed, though I understand I'm not a psychiatrist.. just know enough to be dangerous really.

I think part of it is that her closer friends are not really into fitness and don't really care, so maybe it's a surroundings thing. They are good friends, they were in our wedding and everything. But I feel like could be part of it
 

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My wife and I have been married for over 18 years and have 5 kids. Niether of us is as trim / fit as we were when we met. I am 40 lbs heavier than I was then and my wife has gone up 3 dress sizes (I do not know what she weighs).
As long as a persons weight is not seriously effecting there health it should not impact their sex life (other things, heath / time presure do). If you have wanted to get fit / loose weight then good for you and by all means support / encorage her if its what she wants to do but do not try and force change on your wife.

If you have a problem with her being a little heavier now than in the past its your problem not hers. Why does your wife's size / shape effect whether you love / desire her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Its not at all nice to be pushed into things by your partner and I know when my husband tries it I'm already predisposed to hate whatever activity it is. If he was criticizing my looks at the same time I would hit the roof.

What sports was she into at college? Perhaps you could offer to play a team game with her so you spend more time together.

We both still play our same sport for local clubs...

I can understand it being a point of resistance if say you are 14 and want to rebel against authority... but at what point does that become spiteful and petty??? We are a partnership, I came to her as a partner, not an authority. She agreed, and I offered all my support and compromised to help.

At no point did I single her out, it was always about us, doing it together as we used to, you know?
 

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Sometimes people change. Perhaps to her, being physically fit is not longer a priority for her. I'm not saying its right or wrong, but maybe its how she feels. Kinda like how you feel with losing desire etc, you can't help it.

I will say, at some point you will need to decide if her weight is a deal breaker for you though. If it is, then you need to look into what you need to do next and go from there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My wife and I have been married for over 18 years and have 5 kids. Niether of us is as trim / fit as we were when we met. I am 40 lbs heavier than I was then and my wife has gone up 3 dress sizes (I do not know what she weighs).
As long as a persons weight is not seriously effecting there health it should not impact their sex life (other things, heath / time presure do). If you have wanted to get fit / loose weight then good for you and by all means support / encorage her if its what she wants to do but do not try and force change on your wife.

If you have a problem with her being a little heavier now than in the past its your problem not hers. Why does your wife's size / shape effect whether you love / desire her.
Well, that's the whole thing...I have no interest in forcing her to do anything. She is a grown human being. Her being heavier + the lack of effort is sad to me. If the effort was there, I'd feel a lot better. But nothing sucks worse than telling your better half what you feel you need from them and they just half ass it,, or push back out of spite or fear of being controlled...

And in terms of desire, I am speaking physically. I still take her on dates, buy surprise presents, talk frequently, I actively encourage and support her dreams and goals...

I know "weight" can be a touchy issue, but I really think folks have to be honest with one another about these things. Not cold or unfeeling, but honest for sure
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Sometimes people change. Perhaps to her, being physically fit is not longer a priority for her. I'm not saying its right or wrong, but maybe its how she feels. Kinda like how you feel with losing desire etc, you can't help it.

I will say, at some point you will need to decide if her weight is a deal breaker for you though. If it is, then you need to look into what you need to do next and go from there.
Understood, and it makes sense.....Just one of those where 2 people arent really wrong, just on different sides of the table.

Personally I'm willing to work at anything, and hard. It's my nature. I know marriage is a commitment and is tough, Im living it. I've done right by her and don't plan to stop now. But I'm about as human as anyone else, and that frustration is real.
 

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Understood, and it makes sense.....Just one of those where 2 people arent really wrong, just on different sides of the table.

Personally I'm willing to work at anything, and hard. It's my nature. I know marriage is a commitment and is tough, Im living it. I've done right by her and don't plan to stop now. But I'm about as human as anyone else, and that frustration is real.
I understand. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with her, and told her how this all makes you feel? If so, what has she said?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I understand. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with her, and told her how this all makes you feel? If so, what has she said?
That's the problem, when I do, she deflects or becomes aggressive and agitated about it, then I feel its best to diffuse it and leave it be. She jumps to extremes, "why should I even bother then" etc etc.
 

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I can understand why you feel frustrated. I've been in your wife's position in your scenario and I resisted for a few different reasons.

I met my 2nd husband while I was on active duty and still in good physical condition. Although physical training was a requirement, in my area it wasn't a big deal as long as you maintained weight standards, so we didn't do much strenuous training at all. I stayed in shape by playing racquetball, canoeing and going to caves, hiking around the woods, and because I went dancing regularly.

When I got out of the military, I was putting on about a pound a month. My husband told me I was "ballooning up" and that he no longer felt as attracted to me, and that he didn't feel he needed to make an effort to keep me wanting to look attractive because he already had me and the challenge was gone. (His words, not mine.)

Then he got on a kick about how he wanted me to get in shape for my health. He reminded me that heart disease runs in my family, and wanted me to go work out with him. I was already self-conscious because of his remarks and did not to give him ammunition to criticize me with if I couldn't keep up with him. (I'm asthmatic and he insisted on making running part of the routine.)

I told him I would like to get in shape by doing the things I used to do to stay active. My husband refused to do any of those activities except for an occasional walk with me in the woods, which I didn't care for because he'd wander off on his own and suddenly I was left behind or he'd fallen away behind me and I was alone. His idea of compromising with me was to work out his way three times a week instead of five.

I know you said you did not single her out, but I'm willing to bet she knows your attitudes well enough to know darn well what you were thinking.

I also think you're being unfair to say that her unwillingness to do what you want is spite or pettiness. In fact, while I understand that she would be more desirable to you if she was in athletic condition, I'd still lean toward saying pettiness and spite are more apparent in your attitude. You said you wanted to get back in shape because of your family's health history. That's all about you, not her, but somehow you've decided that it's her duty to uphold what you want for yourself. She may feel like you're pushing her to do something that benefits you when she doesn't really want it for herself. If you press it, then yes, you're becoming controlling.

What exactly is going on right before she says, "Why should I even bother then?" This signals to me that she feels criticized and / or rejected.
 

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Maybe deep down she does have the desire to want to be physically fit again, but yet lacks the motivation. And I know you said you have encouraged her and supported her, BUT for whatever reason perhaps she doesn't believe in herself right now, even if you do. Its a personal battle of the mind. I'm not sure how to tell you to proceed with that either since its going to have to come from within herself. I will say continue to be supportive though, unless you simply feel this is a deal breaker, and if so then you will need to go from there.
 

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Re: Re: My Wife (and I) got fat then..................

If you have a problem with her being a little heavier now than in the past its your problem not hers. Why does your wife's size / shape effect whether you love / desire her.
Actually its both their problems as it effects them both negatively. And many many people's sex drive is affected by their partner gaining weight. People like what they like. 40lbs is aot of weight to me. My 2/12 year old is 30 lbs. I couldn't imagine adding her weight to mine and still feeling good about my physical appearance. 40 lbs might not seem like much until you see it with your own eyes.

Here's a pic of me holding my 38lb dog. Imagine me gaining a border Collies worth of weight vs 40lbs. Does that seem like alot when you can see the weight vs imagining that 40lbs isn't that much?

Me without that extra 38lbs (above)

And me with.
I've still got about 15 lbs to loose myself but I'm working my ass off to do it :)

Now after all that rant I would like to say it was hard for me to loose the baby weight due to bring depressed about being overweight. Sad but true. I've never been overweight in my life until my daughter came around. I have no advice for you as to how to go about getting her to see she needs to loose it but I just wanted to let you know I agree with you. Its hard for me to be attracted to an overweight person too. I hope you find a proactive solution.

All the best,
Mrs. Oldnews
 

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Lol no he always looks like that. He's the most chill dog I know. Gets to visit a big old folks home once a week due to his calm demeanor. Pretty much the opposite of how his breed is supposed to act. He's got about 8lbs to loose himself. We're working on it together :)

Sorry about the off topic bragging about my awesome dog OP :)
 

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OrionGordon,

How old is your wife?

How are things in the rest of your marriage?

How much time a week do you and your wife spend doing things that you two enjoy together, just the two of you without the children and freinds?
 

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To the OP... you wife is not a fool, she knows about her weight gain, she just has to motivate herself to do something about it. There's nothing you can do to help it, but... try to keep the status quo. Any remarks about appearance, or health... will only lead to resentment. Women aren't stupid, she will know where you are going with that.

I met my wife when she was 21, at about 57 150. That was perfect to me (probably a little heavy t alot of folks on her, but i'm a bit of a stereotypical black male when it comes to women and shape). Over the years, plus having 3 kids, that went to around 215. I brought it up, my concerns about her weight, health concerns etc. And i have to admit, at that weight, she was less attractive to me.

Finally, on her own, she had enough, joined weight watchers, and lost over 60 lbs. We've since had a kid and she gained it all back again, and now in her late 30's it isn't easy as it used to be. But she's motivated herself once more, since we have a summer cruise to attend. In the end... she will do it... when she's ready, and not a moment sooner.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I can understand why you feel frustrated. I've been in your wife's position in your scenario and I resisted for a few different reasons.

I met my 2nd husband while I was on active duty and still in good physical condition. Although physical training was a requirement, in my area it wasn't a big deal as long as you maintained weight standards, so we didn't do much strenuous training at all. I stayed in shape by playing racquetball, canoeing and going to caves, hiking around the woods, and because I went dancing regularly.

When I got out of the military, I was putting on about a pound a month. My husband told me I was "ballooning up" and that he no longer felt as attracted to me, and that he didn't feel he needed to make an effort to keep me wanting to look attractive because he already had me and the challenge was gone. (His words, not mine.)

Then he got on a kick about how he wanted me to get in shape for my health. He reminded me that heart disease runs in my family, and wanted me to go work out with him. I was already self-conscious because of his remarks and did not to give him ammunition to criticize me with if I couldn't keep up with him. (I'm asthmatic and he insisted on making running part of the routine.)

I told him I would like to get in shape by doing the things I used to do to stay active. My husband refused to do any of those activities except for an occasional walk with me in the woods, which I didn't care for because he'd wander off on his own and suddenly I was left behind or he'd fallen away behind me and I was alone. His idea of compromising with me was to work out his way three times a week instead of five.

I know you said you did not single her out, but I'm willing to bet she knows your attitudes well enough to know darn well what you were thinking.

I also think you're being unfair to say that her unwillingness to do what you want is spite or pettiness. In fact, while I understand that she would be more desirable to you if she was in athletic condition, I'd still lean toward saying pettiness and spite are more apparent in your attitude. You said you wanted to get back in shape because of your family's health history. That's all about you, not her, but somehow you've decided that it's her duty to uphold what you want for yourself. She may feel like you're pushing her to do something that benefits you when she doesn't really want it for herself. If you press it, then yes, you're becoming controlling.

What exactly is going on right before she says, "Why should I even bother then?" This signals to me that she feels criticized and / or rejected.
Not sure where to begin here...

It started out as something we both wanted to do, we both talked about it a few times, before I said enough was enough (when I the health implications hit me) let's just do it. 40 extra pounds on anyone isn't healthy lol. Mates getting in shape together is medically recommended, we both work and have commitments, so combining that to spend more productive healthy time together by all accounts should be a good thing. It benefits both people, which honestly, it was right to do. If she was a diabetic, Id be drinking diet soda with her, and carrying an extra sugar meter in case she forgot hers. Health issues in relationships are not a one party or the other issue. Ask anyone carrying for a mate after a stroke and heart attack, or has diabetes, or paralysis. Neither one of us viewed the health of the other as "individual" issues in a relationship, we are a whole.

She just didn't want to do it really... which is what I'm thinking, and seeing in hindsight, and it wasn't a priority, which Im not a Rhodes Scholar, but I get it..

But we were workout partners in college, so we know we both have different abilities and etc. I had and still have more physical limitation than her being that my shoulder was stitched together.

and I wanted it to be an "us" thing, I would bring programs to her to get her feedback, ask her what she wanted to do, told her to pick some things, One week would be her week, one would be mine. I'd been to Zumba classes (As a 260lb man lol), body pump classes, at her request... But I just know we also needed to set a goal, whatever it was going to be and support each other through it, since I was under no illusion that it would be easy by any stretch.

But 2 things:
I told her that it was important to me that we go through it together, and she was down for it. I think being taken seriously when your mate tells you that, is a reasonable expectation that I reciprocate....

I'm not the type that is into forcing anyone to do anything (its a put off for me), which would defeat the purpose of me wanting it to be an US thing again (which she said she wanted).


The "why even bother", among other phrases, are her go to when she she would rather not talk about something, or just wants to start a fight to deflect talking about an issue, I know my wife, well in that sense lol...

If I'm still controlling/petty so be it. But I have to be honest with my wife and honest about the situation. Honesty with caring, but honest nonetheless.
 
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