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I'm really confused here, so I'm hoping your thoughts and suggestions can help clear my head...

I'm a 30yr old man who has been married for three years now. My wife and I are Pakistani and come from traditional Pakistani families. So no sex before marriage, and preferably no relationships either. I never had a girlfriend, although my wife had a few boyfriends (non-sexual relationships).

My wife is a fantastic person, but soon after our marriage (which was arranged by our families, btw) I found out that she's asexual. I knew about asexuality because I had read about it in a magazine somewhere, but my wife wasn't even familiar with the term. After many attempts to have sex (the times we succeeded, it felt horribly one-sided) I told her that she is probably asexual, and asked her to get her hormones tested and start therapy.

She started crying, trying to convince me that she's not 'defective'. To this day, she denies that she's asexual, but I'm convinced she is (I've researched extensively). She never got tested or pursued therapy.

I've long since stopped asking her for sex or anything sexual. I've accepted her the way she is. I don't think she's 'defective' though, and I really love her and I know she does too, but I'm just somehow emotionally starved inside over all this. That being said I have no intentions to cheat on my wife.

But I feel lonely, and sometimes I feel like I just want to hug someone - a cuddle buddy, if you will. It's something that I can't achieve with my wife due to our asexually-charged emotional baggage. But it has to be discreet - if my wife knew, she would take this as 'cheating' and have a mental breakdown.

My cuddling intentions are strictly non-sexual, and I have no intentions to fall in love with anybody either. But I'm uncomfortable with the whole secrecy thing. What should I do?

Please note that divorce isn't an option here - as I said, I love my wife, and in any case a divorce in our culture would pretty much wreck havoc.

*TL;DR* Had an arranged marriage, wife is asexual, still love her, don't want a divorce, want a cuddle buddy in secret, but it would freak out my wife. Should I?
 

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Tell your old lady you need pets and would like to pet other females.

I think being dishonest and having secrets are the worst. Tell your chick your needs are not being met and tell her she needs to step up.

Does your culture except spanking? Maybe your old lady needs a good spanking and tell her why!

My point here is this is unhealthy behavior in a marriage and unhealthy behavior will continue if there are no consequence for the bad behavior.

What your wife is doing is wrong in any culture.
 

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Can you be more specific about why you decided she is asexual?

I do realize that many arranged marriages are happy ones. It seems it would be difficult to suddenly have sexual feelings for a man you did not yourself choose because you loved him.

Perhaps she feels little for you sexually and this causes sex to be very awkward?

Just wondering how you came to the conclusion that she feels this way about all men and not you specifically. Is she not even able to cuddle with you just because it is something you need?
 

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She is not necessarily asexual. Women usually need to learn to enjoy sex when they are new to the experience. How much have you both read about male and female sexuality?

Why don't you start over again. Start by dating each other and slowly build up physical touch and trus. Spend time together getting to know each other. Touch kiss make out. Make the new first time you have sex a special occation.

Get your wife on board. You both need to be patient. Consider this is a marathon and not a sprint. Fate has brought you together, trust fate to give you the rich and vibrant marriage you both deserve.
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I'm really confused here, so I'm hoping your thoughts and suggestions can help clear my head...

I'm a 30yr old man who has been married for three years now. My wife and I are Pakistani and come from traditional Pakistani families. So no sex before marriage, and preferably no relationships either. I never had a girlfriend, although my wife had a few boyfriends (non-sexual relationships).

My wife is a fantastic person, but soon after our marriage (which was arranged by our families, btw) I found out that she's asexual. I knew about asexuality because I had read about it in a magazine somewhere, but my wife wasn't even familiar with the term. After many attempts to have sex (the times we succeeded, it felt horribly one-sided) I told her that she is probably asexual, and asked her to get her hormones tested and start therapy.

She started crying, trying to convince me that she's not 'defective'. To this day, she denies that she's asexual, but I'm convinced she is (I've researched extensively). She never got tested or pursued therapy.

I've long since stopped asking her for sex or anything sexual. I've accepted her the way she is. I don't think she's 'defective' though, and I really love her and I know she does too, but I'm just somehow emotionally starved inside over all this. That being said I have no intentions to cheat on my wife.

But I feel lonely, and sometimes I feel like I just want to hug someone - a cuddle buddy, if you will. It's something that I can't achieve with my wife due to our asexually-charged emotional baggage. But it has to be discreet - if my wife knew, she would take this as 'cheating' and have a mental breakdown.

My cuddling intentions are strictly non-sexual, and I have no intentions to fall in love with anybody either. But I'm uncomfortable with the whole secrecy thing. What should I do?

Please note that divorce isn't an option here - as I said, I love my wife, and in any case a divorce in our culture would pretty much wreck havoc.

*TL;DR* Had an arranged marriage, wife is asexual, still love her, don't want a divorce, want a cuddle buddy in secret, but it would freak out my wife. Should I?

I would take her to marriage counseling and therapy. If she refuses, she is the problem and not you.

If she truly loves you, she would go with you and finally get this all worked out, instead of doing nothing and letting YOU suffer.

You're a good man for not cheating on her so far but this will only last so long.

You are in your prime and only getting older. You should be having sex often and multiple times a day even and not what you are going through now, and at age 30??? Maybe 70+......

Stay married to her if she is willing to get marriage counseling and therapy and start having a lot of sex with you.

Get divorced if she doesn't change, still doesn't want sex with you or even goes to MC and therapy.

Many arranged marriages work great but many also don't.

Don't get a cuddle buddy because that's how it all starts...........then just oral sex, that's not really sex right? Then anal, its not vaginal so its okay? Slippery slope. Either she woman's up and gets help or move on. You're only young once my friend.......
 

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The Guy. You are so funny. Remember you are unusual. Dominance might not be something that turns them on.
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she doesn't sound so fantastic to me.

if your not happy divorce and then go sex it up.


divorce is not an option in your culture. then is cheating an accepted behavior? I know some cultures seem this way if everybody dose the just don't talk about it but its really kinda the norm then.....if you can beat them......join them.
 

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Some men fail to understand that you can't raise women in a sexually repressive environment then expect them to magically turn on when they get married. It's very possible that's what's going on here. OP, please don't give up on your wife; she's likely been told not to even think about men her whole life and then all of a sudden her marriage is arranged and now she can. She may need some time to get past things that were ingrained in her head for her entire life. .Perhaps you could start by just holding her hand sometimes? Then a small hug when you leave for work? Then a note during the day that you're thinking of her and look forward to hearing her voice and hearing about her day? Some people just aren't as affectionate as others but that doesn't mean she can't unlearn some of the things she was brought up with. .What you DON'T do is simply tell her that she's not "meeting your needs", as some people will suggest; that will get you nowhere. All that gets is a little forced effort which will stop quickly. If you start slow she might find she likes affection.
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Perhaps they have zero sexual chemistry. These people did not choose each other!

Having just looked up asexuality - it seems something that you would not be able to diagnose another person as - it seems instead a way a person would identify themselves.

Perhaps she is just not attracted TO YOU and on top of that she has low sexual self confidence due to your history. In either case I'm very sorry and really hope you don't find yourself in a sexless marriage for the rest of your days. Do you guys have children or do you plan to have them?
 

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I would be very surprised if your wife was asexual...my guess is she is just very shy and inexperienced and you have intetoreted that inexperience as being asexual. My recommendation would be IC and MC for both of you...you telling her you think she is asexual must have been devastating. Did you think maybe it moght have been you we're not spending enough time getting her in the mood or with forplay to get her ready. I would get some professional help....getting a cuddle buddy is not going to help....your just asking for trouble if you go there.
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Some men fail to understand that you can't raise women in a sexually repressive environment then expect them to magically turn on when they get married. It's very possible that's what's going on here. OP, please don't give up on your wife; she's likely been told not to even think about men her whole life and then all of a sudden her marriage is arranged and now she can. She may need some time to get past things that were ingrained in her head for her entire life. .Perhaps you could start by just holding her hand sometimes? Then a small hug when you leave for work? Then a note during the day that you're thinking of her and look forward to hearing her voice and hearing about her day? Some people just aren't as affectionate as others but that doesn't mean she can't unlearn some of the things she was brought up with. .What you DON'T do is simply tell her that she's not "meeting your needs", as some people will suggest; that will get you nowhere. All that gets is a little forced effort which will stop quickly. If you start slow she might find she likes affection.
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I totally agree with this post.

And by the way, I don't know what you've found in your 'research', but there is no medical test for 'asexuality'. And It
probably IS a result of growing up in an extremely sexually repressive culture and then suddenly finding herself married in an arranged marriage.
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My wife grew up in another sexually repressed Asian country and I have noticed it goes both ways; I have seen college students from such countries go wild or I have seen them to continue their likely low drive non intermixing with males type life.

What may help could be (if you're living somewhere outside the motherland :)) to get her to meet more people from there esp women who are married and can give her some positive role models... Slow and steady but with measurable progress.
 
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