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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all, a little bit strange to write in here, but I have been reading the posts for a couple of months, and I think it is about time to open up and tell my story.
I know my husband since I was 19 (I am 42 ), we've been married for 18 years, we have two boys 11 & 14.
For years we were like the perfect couple, we never fight, and we got along pretty well. In the other hand we always did everything as a family, vacations, birthdays, everything we went as a "group" of 4. Sometimes we hung out with friends , but rarely we did things as a couple.
We also work in the same place for 15 years. He has a management position, he needs to travel more, and I have an office position, part time job, and take care of the kids in the afternoon.
All the last year I felt something is wrong, but I keep inventing excuses that "he is tired" , stressed, with jet-lag because of the business trips etc.
Around six months ago I finally opened my eyes and started to investigate, emails,texts etc. Found that he had an affair with a married lady, coworker from out of state. Since we work at the same place I know her too.
He claimed , till today that it was an EA, but I know for sure that it was more than that.
When everything was discovered, he said that it is not the thing about her, that he is not in love with her, but that he is in MLC , that he needs "freedom" , I didn't see any remorse from his side.
We went to a couple of therapy sessions, but basically he doesn't believe that his feeling about lack of freedom can change.
He started to be more distanced , barely talked.
At some point I told him to leave the house, and then I guess he started thinking about the consequences. He doesn't want to hurt the kids.
I'm really confused, I don't know what ....:scratchhead:
 

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I'm coping with infidelity through the lens of an adult child of a cheater, so I'm not really qualified to give you advice on much of your problem as I've never been married myself. But the one thing I can say, is please shield your sons from this as much as possible. Sure, they are old enough to comprehend what's going on, but DO NOT drag them into the middle of this. Don't offer up any information that they don't ask for themselves, and even then be very careful to remain true, but not turn them against their father, even if he is being a piece of crap right now. They may choose to continue a relationship with their father, and that can't be your decision to make, no matter how much he hurts you.

I'm in this situation now, and I really resent my mother for dragging me in and telling me as much as she has. It's very hard to have any sense of control in that position.

I'm very sorry for your pain and confusion. I wish you the best of luck in whatever course of action you choose to take, now or in the future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for you reply, my kids don't know anything about what's going on, when we are all together, we act like everything s normal.
In the other end, if we do separate in the end it will be for my kids the shock of their lives , because they never saw us even fighting .
 

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Hi all, a little bit strange to write in here, but I have been reading the posts for a couple of months, and I think it is about time to open up and tell my story.
I know my husband since I was 19 (I am 42 ), we've been married for 18 years, we have two boys 11 & 14.
For years we were like the perfect couple, we never fight, and we got along pretty well. In the other hand we always did everything as a family, vacations, birthdays, everything we went as a "group" of 4. Sometimes we hung out with friends , but rarely we did things as a couple.
We also work in the same place for 15 years. He has a management position, he needs to travel more, and I have an office position, part time job, and take care of the kids in the afternoon.
All the last year I felt something is wrong, but I keep inventing excuses that "he is tired" , stressed, with jet-lag because of the business trips etc.
Around six months ago I finally opened my eyes and started to investigate, emails,texts etc. Found that he had an affair with a married lady, coworker from out of state. Since we work at the same place I know her too.
He claimed , till today that it was an EA, but I know for sure that it was more than that.
When everything was discovered, he said that it is not the thing about her, that he is not in love with her, but that he is in MLC , that he needs "freedom" , I didn't see any remorse from his side.
We went to a couple of therapy sessions, but basically he doesn't believe that his feeling about lack of freedom can change.
He started to be more distanced , barely talked.
At some point I told him to leave the house, and then I guess he started thinking about the consequences. He doesn't want to hurt the kids.
I'm really confused, I don't know what ....:scratchhead:
His head is not where it should be. He is playing a silly game, Colon the Barbarian. (And that's not a typo...:rolleyes:)

Hopefully he will get his head back where it should be and will treat you and your children with the love and respect you deserve.

By the way, here's a question for him... ask him if he is excited by the idea of making a cuckold out of his lover's husband?
 

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I honestly don't know about keeping the kids in the dark unless you plan on reconciling. My wife had what really amounted to 5 affairs during the course of our marriage of 15 years. A couple of weeks ago, I found out my oldest son knew about things from 4-5 years ago. He was 8 at the time. I took him to counseling today. I'm taking my 3 boys home from dinner and I found out the man my EX is dating now put his hands on my youngest child.

I am a firm believer in shining light on the darkness. My kids know what happened why we are divorced and how I never lied to them. I was not brutal with the truth but I did tell them. They actually knew a lot of it anyway. Children are much smarter than people give them credit for.

I have my oldest in counseling because he knew about his mother and the affairs to an extent, but she told him not to tell and that he would get in trouble if he did.

So now. I have the boys in counseling and very soon I will have a lawyer and I will be headed back to court for custody. Good luck with your marriage, but you will be told over and over EXPOSURE is the best thing you can do right now. Yes, you need to shield your children, but they are caught in the mess no matter what you tell yourself.

You don't want them wondering why and blaming themselves. Getting counseling for them is the best thing that I have done since DDay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I sent an email to the other woman a month ago, to step messing with my husband. I have copied all the emails that I could find to my email account, and told her about that. I've also could find her husband phone number and told her that I will contact him if she doesn't stop.
It turned out that her husband was also suspecting because he interfered with that email ( he was also checking her emails) , and then he contact me. He sent me an email saying that he was suspecting something but he doesn't have the proof. I didn't contact him back. Should I?
Regarding my kids, I don't want to involve them yet, I guess I still have hope that we can still work this out.
Last serious talk that we had, he said that he wants to start counseling , but alone, (?), and also he said that he doesn't to know how to get out of this MLC.
We live in this limbo situation, not married , not separated , and I don't know how to deal with this.
 

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Hello,

You are in a situation where standard behaviour applies. I know, sounds strange, but lots of people here have to follow the same recept. If you behave weak, complying, nice, loving, you will enable his situation. He will finally leave you.

So...To get him back you have to take a tough stand. That will shock him, and hopefully finally shock him out of this behaviour. No guarantee, but it is, as experiences learn on TAM, the best chance you have.

Read about simular cases, and learn how and why this is done.

As a starter:
- Expose everything to everybody, also the company!
- Make him leave the house, let him go to the other woman
Pack his bags, put them next to the front door, ask him to leave.
- Turn cold
- Isolate him
- Let him feel how it will be if he would leave or leaves.
- Hide your feelings for him.
- Use this forum to express your thoughts, emotions etc.
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
The thing is I've tried to be distant,cold, and show like I'm over him, like I don't care, but that distance looks like it is doing the opposite thing, it looks like it is driving him more away.and actually it is doing what he wants the most, he wants to stay as a family, but do whatever he wants, by "leave him alone" , I'm doing exactly what he wants
 

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But is getting thrown out and have to go to the other woman then what he really wants??
 
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File for divorce and start the procedure, in the meantime you can tell him you might reconsider if he starts to see reality. But not to easy please. Let him come to his senses first.
 
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I sent an email to the other woman a month ago, to step messing with my husband. I have copied all the emails that I could find to my email account, and told her about that. I've also could find her husband phone number and told her that I will contact him if she doesn't stop.
It turned out that her husband was also suspecting because he interfered with that email ( he was also checking her emails) , and then he contact me. He sent me an email saying that he was suspecting something but he doesn't have the proof. I didn't contact him back. Should I?
Regarding my kids, I don't want to involve them yet, I guess I still have hope that we can still work this out.
Last serious talk that we had, he said that he wants to start counseling , but alone, (?), and also he said that he doesn't to know how to get out of this MLC.
We live in this limbo situation, not married , not separated , and I don't know how to deal with this.
Ya definitely contact the OWH.
 

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I sent an email to the other woman a month ago, to step messing with my husband. I have copied all the emails that I could find to my email account, and told her about that. I've also could find her husband phone number and told her that I will contact him if she doesn't stop.
It turned out that her husband was also suspecting because he interfered with that email ( he was also checking her emails) , and then he contact me. He sent me an email saying that he was suspecting something but he doesn't have the proof. I didn't contact him back. Should I?
Regarding my kids, I don't want to involve them yet, I guess I still have hope that we can still work this out.
Last serious talk that we had, he said that he wants to start counseling , but alone, (?), and also he said that he doesn't to know how to get out of this MLC.
We live in this limbo situation, not married , not separated , and I don't know how to deal with this.
yes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
The thing is we all work together in the same company, I don't want to complicate the things even more. None of us can leave the company.
What's the purpose of talking with her husband? Revenge ? Do you think that will make our situation better ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
There is another thing this week that drives me crazy, they organize a big meeting this week, and they will see each other every day, they will go to dinners together (with other people) . I don't know how to get out of this situation....
 

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Yes, contact him. Letting her husband know is the right thing to do.

I would be very upset with anyone who knew my wife was having an affair and didn't tell me anything about it. For one, I might want to have myself checked for STD's. It's one thing for her to cheat on me but it's quite another to risk my health. The health of the kids father is still important whether she stays or goes. I might also want to quit going into debt with her, after all, the financial future of the entire family depends on her contribution - and if she's not going to be there - either by her choice or mine - it's important.

What's this bullsnot about your husband's midlife crisis? What does his crisis consist of? Knowing how much time to spend on his girlfriend instead of the kids?

Tell him you don't want to hear squat about "crises" you know what a real crisis is, you're in one now - trying to keep a family together, going though mental and emotional pain. That's a crisis. Not his fantasy-land make-believe world.

Tell him that his kids are in crisis. They don't see their father as often, there's tension in the house, mom is sad. That's a crisis.

A man takes care of his family's crises - he doesn't create them.

click my link on th 180 and on letting go.
 

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Contact OW's husband immediately. Pressure from both spouses is more likely to kill it. Tell your husband's family and advise OW's husband to tell her family too. Put pressure on them to do the right thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
So today , I told my husband to leave, this s it. I think it is for the best.
I agree with you walkionmars, that he used that MLC excuse to do whatever he wants.
I never thought in my life that I will get to this point, I guess I was to naive.
How do you tell the kids about the separation, that breaks my heart.
 
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