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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Hello all, I found this site about 5 months ago when I was looking for ways to improve my relationship with my common law wife. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids aged 12 and 15 we are both 38.

Things had been not going well for us for the last year. (Mainly in the bedroom) but no so bad that I thought she would think of leaving. We both work and have a great home we are not rich but not poor either. After reading some of the posts on here it became clear to me that we were headed for trouble. In December she told me she didn't love me anymore and was thinking about separating. And I went into survival mode doing anything I could to make things better and she stayed but said still was unsure about us.

Early January I discovered that she was chatting online with some guy from facebook (she is addicted to social media) I called her out and she said it was nothing just chit chat with a guy who added her by accident (said he thought she was some one else) she unfriended him and said that it was over. At the end of January we were all planning on going away for my daughter's hockey tournament out of town.

The morning before we were to leave her and I woke early and went for a run it was nice. Then she jumped in the shower and I started to pack, she left her phone out which is odd for her so curiosity got the best of me. She thought I didn't know her password but I had been watching her closely after reading some horror stories on here. but like most thought my wife would never be dishonest. And sure enough she was still chatting with dude and the convos were sexuality charged and discussed future relationships. So I went in the bathroom and shared my discovery. She looked like a ghost and then chased after me to get her phone back, I left the house with her phone and started reading their and documenting their discussion (everything but the late night convo from the night before had been deleted) all of sudden things were starting to dissappear as she was at home logged in covering her tracks. I called my daughter who was waiting to go to hockey to see if mom had her phone and she was crying her eyes out.

She had heard the whole fight been us and was well aware of the situation. So right away I came home to her rescue, I returned my wifes phone and took daughter to her hockey tournament. When we got back my wife said she was sorry and wanted to try to work on us agreed to no contact and blocked all communication with ap. I also asked that she give me her passwords but she instead deactivated all her accounts. Things seemed to be on track we agreed see a mc and work on us. 2 weeks go by and I have big plans for v day special gifts and a romantic night. The evening before v day curiosity got the best of me again and I checked our home computer to see what she was deleting when I found her phone. Turns out she was hiding much more than I thought there was another man who lived in the us that she had been sending money to and buying gifts.

I also discovered she had a secret credit card and had a laywer on retainer. I really didnt want to spoil all my v day plans so i didn't say anything. She worked on v day but the plan was to surprise her with the gifts in the morning and go out the next night. She said she wanted to give me a gift in the bedroom that night. When we got up there she was weird and distant and could bite my tongue no longer so I started to ask questions to see if she would come clean. She lied an denied right up untill I told her how i knew. And then proceeded to rugsweep and down play the situation and shut me up by saying sorry and giving me a bj. 2 weeks later I come home and she is gone packed all her stuff and took the home computer... that was 2 months ago not sure why I am sharing this, maybe because I am in so much pain.
 

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Sorry you are here. It sucks. Retain your lawyer now and move forward with D. Your W has checked out. You still have the children?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
When she left she left the kids and dog. After 3 weeks she got an apartment and I agreed to 50/50 with my son and dog... my daughter has not spoken to her in 3 months
 

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my common law wife. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids
The "common law" actually is not so common, between different states of the US. Some have no "common law marriage", others consider a 20-year relationship quite married legally.

Get an attorney, and get support money from her for your children, if not spousal support. Protect yourself financially.

Move any money in joint accounts into your name only. You can "give it back" when you are ordered to do it.

Be Mr. Loyal only to yourself and your children. Your wife is an adversary who does not have your interest, nor those of her own children, at heart. She's "doing her own thing".
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks, in Canada common law is he same as married as far the child custody /support goes and is different in the way you split assets. Our money has always been separate outside of a shared credit card that she already maxed. I paid all the bills (cars, morgage, insurance, etc) her end was to buy food and house hold items.
 

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Sounds like a win! Make sure your lawyer knows she abandoned you and the kids.
Make sure she gets all her debt.
Be the best dad you can be. Check on counseling for the kids, especially the youngest.
Best of luck going forward.
 

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It may sound like a win but it certainly doesn't feel like it... I loved this women my whole life. As far my kid go I have always been very involved with there lives. Coached the sports teams, the main contact with teachers and school stuff, made all their meals and always tucked them in to bed I would call them every morning to make sure they were ready for school while my ww slept in. My ww on the other hand was not very involved more focused on her self and her phone. I may not have been a perfect husband but never abusive or mean. I always made time for my wife and always treated her like my queen. Just hurt...
 

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Sorry for your pain. Sounds like she has been fishing in a different pond--one more exciting right now (limerence). Beware of her wanting to return in a few months, no matter how much you want her. Her lack of honesty, integrity, and a moral compass is bad example for your kids. She has declared her perspective and will do it again.

In Canada do you still have to be separated for a year except for infidelity? Use the infidelity exemption. You sound like a great Dad. Do not second guess your 'husband-ship'. She could have chosen to work on the marriage and not cheat, but she did not. She sounds self-involved, but you do not know what true devotion feels like considering her demeanor.

Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself for you and for your kids. Eat and sleep appropriately. Exercise, pay attention to wardrobe. Lose the bitterness that will creep in. Find support--family, church, good friends. Time is your friend.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you, you have no idea how much comfort your comment has given me. With common law there is no need to wait, actually if we had no assets or kids we could just walk away from each other. Or if we could agree on settlement terms we don't even need lawyers. Just pay her out and take her name off the morgage.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
But she wants her lawyer to go over my finances as I make more then she does by about 25k a year and we have 15yrs worth of equity in our home.
 

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It is not uncommon for those who have been together since 18 to wonder what/who else is out there. Did y'all ever date others? Never overlook bedroom issues--bigger problems when you do.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
We both had relationships in our teens but nothing too serious. She was my first love, we had a very healthy sex life early on although my ww always had issues getting orgasms. She had never had one through penetration before me. Things got bad in the bedroom after my youngest was born 12 years ago. She lost her interest in having sex and would really only do out of pity. I accepted that and gave up on sex maybe having it once month and less and less over time. Then maybe 3 years ago she got a second wind and her sex drive went way up. But by then mine had gone way down after years of just getting it over as fast as possible. And performance anxiety became an issue from years of not being wanted. I went to the doctor and got a fix for that. But it was too late she no longer was interested in intercourse just oral and hand stuff as I could easily get her off. She with held sex for the last 6 months of our relationship about the same time she was involved with these internet men.
 

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Free yourself. Let her go completely.

You must take her down off that pedestal you’ve put her on. She doesn’t deserve it. Start living life for yourself. It’s apparent from your posts you’ve been living it for her. Look what that got you.
 

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Agreed, it's done do not take her back, do what you must in your country. No more overreach for more then settle for a little less. Do the 180, and grey rock her. You just received the ILYBNILWY and she's checked out, take care of yourself and your kids because your daughter is on your side is a huge thing. She will never forget and your the are deal.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thank you your comments,

This is all so tough, not much can be done right now because of the lock down in Canada.

I have been lurking here for a while now and have read many stories just like mine. I have read some of the recommended reading and have discovered a lot about myself. There are many wise people here and I am grateful for that.
 

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Thank you your comments,

This is all so tough, not much can be done right now because of the lock down in Canada.

I have been lurking here for a while now and have read many stories just like mine. I have read some of the recommended reading and have discovered a lot about myself. There are many wise people here and I am grateful for that.
Then you know what must be done. Sorry, prepare for your challenge.

This will never stop you already gave her this option, she lied cheated, and is still doing it. Her taking all the evidence is her real response. You can call the bank and take some of your money so she doesn't drain it.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
She has no access to my money we have always kept separate accounts (that why I never knew she was transferring cash to some 50 year old man) I have always paved the way for our family even paid for her education. I stayed in a job I didn't love because it would always provide for us. I turned down many opportunities to move up in my career to be available to my family. This really hurts...
 

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Of course it hurts--big time. But do not regret what you have done--your sacrifices. Had you not lived this way, you would have always wondered what you should/could have done differently. 'Tis so sad that she showed no appreciation for who you are and what you stand for!

Just more evidence for who she really is...
 

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She has no access to my money we have always kept separate accounts (that why I never knew she was transferring cash to some 50 year old man) I have always paved the way for our family even paid for her education. I stayed in a job I didn't love because it would always provide for us. I turned down many opportunities to move up in my career to be available to my family. This really hurts...
I don't know how the law applies in your situation, but you might want to check with an attorney about the money she has gifted other men and/or spent on them. If it's a significant amount, you might be able to get that amount credit against other assets. One of my sisters was able to do that when she divorced. She was able to get records for a lot of money her husband spent on his affair. She ended up with a much larger share of the home equity because of that.

You said that she wants your assets looked at during the 'divorce'. If she insists on this then make sure her assets are looked at too with the same rigor.
 

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She has a lawyer, do you? You need to understand your rights and legal responsibilities. Of course, you have given us some facts that indicate you have received advice. I hope so...
 
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