Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Me -48 W-46 Married 22 years - 3 kids.

Marriage has been a struggle since inception.....esp on sexual side of things. I have always told her that if I didn't initiate it wouldn't happen...she would make this excuse and that excuse. She always excused me of "that's all you think about type of thing" - then I began to feel guilty about it. Like - well maybe she is right??? So last the last time we had sex I lay there in bed thinking why did I just do that....im having sex with someone who doesn't really want it. So I drew a line and started an experiment of not initiating or trying anything involving intimacy with her. That was last November...it is now my 1-year anniversary of "no sexual contact" with her.

My question to all of you......Do I mourn the loss of a marriage and move on? or mourn the loss of never feeling intimate with anyone ever again?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,417 Posts
You don't go your own way here you'll just get more of what you've been getting.

You can kiss her ass all you want, buy flowers, read books, do all the housework, etc, etc, etc.

You've already wasted a year of your life on what?

You'll either make a decision or continue to wallow in what you've been wallowing in.

Life is short. Maybe you should wake up to reality now.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,962 Posts
Me -48 W-46 Married 22 years - 3 kids.

Marriage has been a struggle since inception.....esp on sexual side of things. I have always told her that if I didn't initiate it wouldn't happen...she would make this excuse and that excuse. She always excused me of "that's all you think about type of thing" - then I began to feel guilty about it. Like - well maybe she is right??? So last the last time we had sex I lay there in bed thinking why did I just do that....im having sex with someone who doesn't really want it. So I drew a line and started an experiment of not initiating or trying anything involving intimacy with her. That was last November...it is now my 1-year anniversary of "no sexual contact" with her.

My question to all of you......Do I mourn the loss of a marriage and move on? or mourn the loss of never feeling intimate with anyone ever again?
You have asked the right question and only you have the correct answer. She is NOT likely to suddenly turn into a needy sex goddess. If she knew her marriage depended on it, what would she do?

Have you considered sex therapy for both? Have you read 'Married Man's Sex Life Primer'?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Maybe a month or so ago I asked her if she knew the last time we had had sex....surprisingly she knew the answer. Therapy is a no go - she doesn't believe in it. Says its a waste of time.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,734 Posts
How sad.

Did she even notice? Has she said anything?

Huhhh, what? :surprise:

You bet she has noticed. :|
You bet she don't care! :frown2:


Wives notice everything.

They fiddle-faddle with things important to them.

They friiter-flip away the acorns that sour their day.

The acorns with the stick still attached!

Yep!

You made her day by being celibate.

You did as you were told...right?

You were admonished for having sex on your mind.
You eliminated her complaint.
You obeyed, she is happy.

Oh, my! :crying:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,417 Posts
Maybe a month or so ago I asked her if she knew the last time we had had sex....surprisingly she knew the answer. Therapy is a no go - she doesn't believe in it. Says its a waste of time.
The best thing you can do is stop living on hopium. Hoping she'l "get it". You are the one that doesn't get it. Sex is important in a marriage and she doesn't care enough about you or the marriage to put any effort in at all. She's fine with it. You've shown her and taught her you'll do nothing but accept it.

There is no magic fix. The good thing is in another 10 years or so of wasting your life on someone who'd doesn't care you'll lose your libido and it won't bother you as much.

Apparently you just go along with whatever she wants so that's all you'll ever get.

Read up it's short
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,716 Posts
Was there ever a time when sex was initiated equally by both and at the same time frequency was acceptable to you?

Could your wife be the responsive desire type? When you did make love, would she enjoy it once she was aroused?

Or did your wife examine the pattern in the ceiling drywall while making love?

If sex was never good, and you initially were happy pursuing, then you should not be surprised it is still that way.

If she used to initiate, something has changed, and if she refuses to talk about it with you, and she also refuses counseling, you will end up having to make a decision about whether you want to remain married.

Whatever you do, don't seek sex outside of your marriage. If you can't live without it, divorce her and then look for someone who can be an equal partner with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
I also asked her if she thought we would have sex again? Her answer....I don't know. Of course I already knew the answer....We won't. I don't want to. So now on to my next issue...To be honest I am afraid of being alone. My wife was never my best friend and I am afraid I will never find that being on my own. I want a best friend. Too much to ask for right?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,640 Posts
Me -48 W-46 Married 22 years - 3 kids.

Marriage has been a struggle since inception.....esp on sexual side of things. I have always told her that if I didn't initiate it wouldn't happen...she would make this excuse and that excuse. She always excused me of "that's all you think about type of thing" - then I began to feel guilty about it. Like - well maybe she is right??? So last the last time we had sex I lay there in bed thinking why did I just do that....im having sex with someone who doesn't really want it. So I drew a line and started an experiment of not initiating or trying anything involving intimacy with her. That was last November...it is now my 1-year anniversary of "no sexual contact" with her.

My question to all of you......Do I mourn the loss of a marriage and move on? or mourn the loss of never feeling intimate with anyone ever again?
I wouldn't have made it past two months personally.

I would divorce her but I wouldn't be mean about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,640 Posts
I also asked her if she thought we would have sex again? Her answer....I don't know. Of course I already knew the answer....We won't. I don't want to. So now on to my next issue...To be honest I am afraid of being alone. My wife was never my best friend and I am afraid I will never find that being on my own. I want a best friend. Too much to ask for right?
Get some counseling to get yourself emotionally healthy as well as staying active and in shape.

Are you healthy physically? If not, join a gym and start it up.

Start getting legal advice to see how it will work in the divorce.

You have no marriage. You have a chain shackling you to a dried up waste who is masquerading as a woman.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,962 Posts
Maybe a month or so ago I asked her if she knew the last time we had had sex....surprisingly she knew the answer. Therapy is a no go - she doesn't believe in it. Says its a waste of time.
Therapy helps some. The work is really between the sessions, I think. Those who don't want to be told they are wrong or need help often refuse therapy--also there are those who do not want to change the status quo. IMO: most important is the skill and specialty of the therapist.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,917 Posts
I also asked her if she thought we would have sex again? Her answer....I don't know. Of course I already knew the answer....We won't. I don't want to. So now on to my next issue...To be honest I am afraid of being alone. My wife was never my best friend and I am afraid I will never find that being on my own. I want a best friend. Too much to ask for right?
Ok, divorce is going to shake up everybody's world...how old are the children?

You know where you are now and you are afraid of where you will land (alone).

Why is alone so full of fear?

Take some time quell this first before any divorce actions are enacted...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
I have been going to counseling the past year...just mainly someone to talk to. It has helped a bit....what I don't understand is why she has so much distain for sex? She has told me in the past that it just isn't her thing.....I don't understand that.

So I am getting the presumption that most on here say move on.....but can I? Is there time for a 48 year old?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,962 Posts
I have been going to counseling the past year...just mainly someone to talk to. It has helped a bit....what I don't understand is why she has so much distain for sex? She has told me in the past that it just isn't her thing.....I don't understand that.

So I am getting the presumption that most on here say move on.....but can I? Is there time for a 48 year old?
Yes, lots of time. I'm feeling that your resentment is growing. Surely there are other losses. Is there tension at all or are you a 'grin and take it' kind of guy? The danger is falling for someone who wants all of you--divorce before infidelity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,716 Posts
Drywall pattern in the ceiling.....LOL
I actually meant the plaster pattern on the drywall. Our bedroom ceiling has hand applied plaster and my husband and I have identified several animal head patterns in it...but we didn't find those while having sex, lol.

I also asked her if she thought we would have sex again? Her answer....I don't know. Of course I already knew the answer....We won't. I don't want to. So now on to my next issue...To be honest I am afraid of being alone. My wife was never my best friend and I am afraid I will never find that being on my own. I want a best friend. Too much to ask for right?
You didn't answer my question about whether she ever initiated, or if sex was ever frequent enough [when she also initiated.]

If she has never initiated, and she is responsive desire, her answer is an honest one: she doesn't know if you will ever initiate again.

Regarding being afraid of being alone, you will need a counselor for that. If there is no friendship between your wife and you, you are already emotionally alone in your marriage. Given that you have been married so many years to someone who is not your best friend, who you don't have sex with, and yet you are content being with her rather than being physically alone, when you are actually emotionally alone, you are probably codependent.

Your being codependent could have contributed to your wife's lack of interest in sex, and could have created some resentment in her. Resentment kills sexual desire.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Ok, divorce is going to shake up everybody's world...how old are the children?

You know where you are now and you are afraid of where you will land (alone).

Why is alone so full of fear?

Take some time quell this first before any divorce actions are enacted...
Children 20, 17, 13......I have thought about this a lot. It all goes back to the alone part....I want a best friend. Afraid I will never find one.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,687 Posts
Why are you so hung up on her 'why's' rather than your own?
I have been going to counseling the past year...just mainly someone to talk to. It has helped a bit....what I don't understand is why she has so much distain for sex? She has told me in the past that it just isn't her thing.....I don't understand that.

So I am getting the presumption that most on here say move on.....but can I? Is there time for a 48 year old?
Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,687 Posts
Fear based decision making.

How has that worked for you thus far?
Children 20, 17, 13......I have thought about this a lot. It all goes back to the alone part....I want a best friend. Afraid I will never find one.
Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk
 
1 - 20 of 62 Posts
Top