My Cheating Wife-Would love Feedback/Advice.
I’ve been a frequent reader and contributor to this site for several months. I’m now posting my story in full and would welcome feedback. I know it’s long, so for those with a short attention span, I apologize.
My wife and I have been together for 25 years, married for the past 16 years. We have 3 boys, twin 10 year olds and a 4 year old. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 21. She’s only had 2 sex partners before me. I’ve had my share.
We were both faithful for the entire time we were together. Infidelity sickened both of us. She was so paranoid about me cheating that it was discussed on a weekly basis and the mantra “infidelity equals divorce” was a reoccurring theme. Our marriage was good as compared to most of our friends. Our intimacy was lacking (as I now know) but the sex was always outstanding. I had anger and control issues. She had a major spending problem. Our marriage was that of a parent/child relationship.
In February of 2009, she found her boyfriend from 10th grade on Facebook, whom she hadn’t seen in about 27 years. The chatting was innocent at first as I was monitoring it (old friends catching up). It went on for about a month. Then unbeknown to me it moved off of FB to her cell phone.
Move forward to July, my intuition told me to check her cell phone. I read a text message that said “I want you.” I couldn’t read any more as I was shocked! She caught me reading and I gave her the phone back. She insisted it was just playful fun. I can’t explain why I believed that BS. I suppose I wanted to believe that she would never cheat on me. Additionally, the OM was on the other coast and was somewhat of a loser, so I didn’t feel threatened and chose to believe her.
Move forward to December 2009 and my intuition told me to check our cell phone bill. I found a single one minute call to the OM. Again I confronted her. She said we had been fighting that night and she called him but realized it was wrong and hung up before he answered. (turns out later that she lost her secret pre-paid cell phone that she purchased after I discovered the “I want you” text and called him on her primary phone to warn him not to answer incase I found the phone and called).
Each of these two times, we went for counseling for a month or two and I presumed things were ok with us as she was telling all of her friends that things with us were really good.
Move forward to the end of February 2010. I just didn’t feel something was right. Her drinking seemed excessive (2 to 3 glasses of wine a night), she was smoking pot (which she hadn’t done in the 24 years prior) and just seemed really unhappy. I also started to put 2 & 2 together. Things she said just didn’t add up anymore, like that she wouldn’t leave me if I was unfaithful because of the kids, and a sudden interest in Tiger Woods press conference about his infidelities.
I made a list of 20 or more reasons why I felt she was cheating. I confronted her. She denied and denied. I wouldn’t let down. Finally, she announced that the OM came into town, they met in the back seat of his loaner car, they didn’t have sex but she said she wanted to and he turned her down (they did kiss, he “fingered” her and sucked on her breasts. She didn’t touch him because he was rejecting her and she didn’t want to pleasure him if he wasn’t going to have sex with her).
This was the most hurtful thing I’d ever heard or experienced in my life. I then announced that I was going to file for divorce. She replied that she was going to kill herself and ran out the door. She spent a few hours at her Mom’s home and then came back. She slept on the sofa that night. The next morning I quickly left for work. She called me to tell me again that she was going to kill herself. I told her not to do anything stupid and she hung up. I got a bad feeling so I called the police. They met me at the house to find out she had taken a bottle of pills. They rushed her to the hospital. She came very close to dying and it took the emergency personnel 14 hours to stabilize her. After a week in a psychiatric ward, I then took her to a well known rehab. She spent 30 days there. As it turns out, while there, she and a “boy” half her age (21 year old), engaged in sex. First encounter they kissed, second encounter she gave him a BJ, third encounter (with a condom) “he put it in but as soon as he did, a security guard was approaching so they stopped before it continued”. He left the rehab the next day and they didn’t continue their “relationship”.
Again I got a bad feeling about that place. I pulled her out of there and took her to another rehab for 30 days. They got her straightened out. She now does not drink or take pills and has no desire to do so. She frequently goes to NA or AA meetings as well.
When she came home from rehab, she revealed that she was taking anxiety pills, weight loss pills (even though she weighed barely 100 pounds at 5’6”, sleeping pills, had tried Oxy for a month but didn’t like it, was smoking pot every day, and was severely depressed. She was in a verbally and emotionally abusive work environment, our kids were getting uncontrollable and she felt like she was failing as a mother, and she felt that I no longer loved her. We were making love every week, had date night every Friday night and went out with another couple every Saturday night but we did fight on occasion (mostly about her excessive spending), and I withheld affection at times based on my anger towards her.
She also revealed that 3 months before her meeting with the old highschool boyfriend, she picked up another 21 year old in a nightclub that she visited with a now ex-girlfriend. She told me that they kissed and he “went up her shirt” but that nothing else had happened.
Her infidelities were limited to these 3 men, all within a 5 month span and at the height of her depression. She is tremendously remorseful, filled with guilt and shame and can’t believe she allowed herself to engage in this behavior. She has been cooperative with answering my questions but has “trickle truthed” some of the information. She has also claimed that she swore she told me something previously and didn’t recall that she hadn’t revealed an important fact. She said that the EA was merely a distraction from the drudgery of what had become her life. She said that while he paid her attention, he never made her feel good and couldn’t provide her with any real emotional support. She also said that since he rejected her by not having intercourse, she felt that she even failed at her affair. She also said that this was largely why she carried on at rehab. I was rejecting her, the kids were rejecting her, her mother didn’t want to hear the negativity any more, and her OM rejected her. She wanted someone to make her feel pretty and wanted. (hence a horny 21 year old) She has also been tested for STDs and is clean.
One of my concerns is that the first rehab diagnosed her with Borderline tendencies, Narcissistic tendencies, and a love/sex addiction. While she was clearly exhibiting Borderline characteristics before she went to rehab, she says that she doesn’t have a love/sex addiction. She said “I don’t wake up and want to run out and have sex with someone”. I just want to feel loved that I am now giving her what she needs.” She says it’s more of a relationship addiction and our therapist concurs. My mind, however, is running wild with paranoia and concern as a byproduct of her wanting a “relationship” was getting physical with these men.
We have been in Imago couples therapy for the past 8 months since she has been home from rehab. It has completely changed our marriage for the better. We communicate, have real intimacy and the kind of marriage we could both only dream of. We both go to separate private counseling every week as well.
I have challenges with her infidelity. I am disgusted to think that she gave something so integral to a marriage to another man (men). I am saddened to think that the fidelity and sacred purity is now gone. I find myself wondering where she is during the day, even though she texts me where and what she is doing. I have no reason to believe she’s lying. It seems like I am now cycling. I have a good week and then a bad few days and then another good week. I now seem less concerned about the details of what happened as I think I know everything that I need to know, but more concerned about her stepping out again or her having a “double life”.
Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.
