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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My Story with Betrayal

I will break this up into four parts:
Overview of her affair
Description of people involved
Things I have learned and would change
Some questions


Overview:

About three months ago my wife confessed to me that she was seeing someone (an affair but she would not admit to it). When she told me she apologised to me for the pain it will cause, that was the only time she has said sorry. At that point it was an emotional, and a little physical and nearing sexual. With some reluctance she opened up her facebook conversations and emails. I found out that this was a collage friend that she never dated and barely knew during collage that she wanted to get with after she got back from her mission(mormons) but he was married by the time she got back. *Important to note- in his first facebook message back to her he pointed out he wanted an affair with her.* I asked her to cut all contact but she was unwilling because she needed him to help with a friends collage project, which as it turned out was against the class rules. I allowed it because "I loved her." If helping a friend with his project was a benign gesture it turned into a safety net to continue the affair. Which it did. It got much worse due to the continued contact. It was at this point I finally showed her that what she was doing was having an affair.

I wanted her to stop but she was entirely unwilling. I told her I was going to tell her parents if she didn't. She did and had a discussion with her. Her parents related to me that she was lost in emotions and barely reconsigned their daughter in her. I tried to contact the OM's wife through facebook but she never responded (the OM said to my wife it was because his wife didn't want to hear from me.) Nothing changed no matter what I did. I was able to convince her to give me two months of just me and no contact with him. I used that time to try to win her back but it was for nothing. I was too hurt to be charming or the man she thought the OM was. I kicked her out at that point. I gave up after she told me she was planning on having sex with him after my time was up.
I told her I would keep her actions a secret until she gave me no hope of us working things out. I then told my family which spread to her family due to my siblings are friends with her siblings. I then talked with the OM Bishop(mormons). He was sad to hear of this and wanted the facebook conversations and emails as proof I was telling the truth, which is something my wife did not want me to do because she wanted to protect the OM.

After the exposing of her betrayal she told me she choose me over him. I wanted her to write the OM telling him that but she would not. I was too badly damaged to feel anything for her and told her we needed to go to marriage counselling if she wanted to work this out. She was very against it. (She has had bad experiences in the past with them.) She finally agreed to counselling and that same week meet with the OM for the last time were they told each other they love each other and always will, will cherish the moments they spent together and committed to marrying each other "if anything bad were to happen to me."

At this point we would spend the week ends with each other to date and talk. We have gone on two vacations and plan on a third. We have been to some counselling sessions but are making slow progress. During the aftermath I had discovered I had an EA at the beginning of our marriage. It consisted of a woman I meet at work before getting married. We would small talk and flirt over texts before I was married. I continued the same behaviour after being married. She and I texted for 2-3 months after I was married. The text sessions where on the week ends or after a fight with my wife. She invited me out on three occasions to bars and once to an apartment complex. I never meet her in person outside of work or told her of anything personal. I don't remember my thought procees but I decided to stop responding to her texts one day.
I never realised I had an EA until I was reflecting on my past. I was wrong and completely selfish to have had an EA and have apologized repeatedly for it. My actions have hurt her. At the time though she used it to manipulate me.

During the past two months I have had a hard time not being angry at my wife and this has made things hard for the reconciliation.
The affair consisted of 15 or so meetings, 8 of them were dates which near the end involved heavy kissing, petting and grinding. I know this because the OM made mention of it in their conversations the following days. The meetings where usually in the evening after he got off of work, a few where on his lunch break others were driving him to work.



Description of people involved

Me and my wife: Been married for a little over 5 years and are around 30 years old. No kids. We were mormons.

Me: Work as truck driver. Home on weekends. My father had and affair when I was a child that lasted for two years complete with the neglect and insults and ended with my dad leaving. Her affair bought back all that pain I thought I was over.

Wife: Doesn’t work, was trying to pursue and acting career. The affair started after my wife sent an inappropriate message to OM expressing regret about not being able to have a chance dating him after getting back from her mission. (While at collage they never dated and only only "hang out" with him on rare occasions while at collage.) It was a EA then on the second meeting turned to a PA.

OM: Same age. Has been married for 7 years has four kids ranging from 0-5 years old. Is a "faithful" temple going mormon. Has been trying to keep contact with my wife ever since he was married. Confessed to wanting to have and affair with my wife ever since he got married 7 years ago but didn’t have a chance until she contacted him.
He made a list of what kind of qualities he wanted in a wife when he was in high school and my wife apparently had all of them. He said she was the perfect woman for him. *Important to note- he never made any effort before he got married to get with my wife. He said in his conversations that he loved the fact that my wife would accept "his dark side" which my wife told me was that he has always wanted to have an affair. She was the lucky one.*


Things I have learned and would change

What I wish I did when I first found out:
That I immediately outed my wife and the OM.
That I kicked my wife out that day.
Sought marriage counselling ASAP.
And when talking to my wife did so only with the understanding I am dealing with an addict.


Things I regret not doing in the past:

We have always had problems in our marriage and I wanted counselling in our first year but she was against it. I wish I went by myself.

I wish we knew what EA were and set up rules to affair proof our marriage.

I wish I never looked at porn in my teen years. I stopped for religious reasons(mormon). After getting married and being able to express those emotions again caused some strife.
This is what I mean: When I masturbated in the past I could do it whenever the sexual urge come up. My body was used to that type of rhythm. When I could express those feelings again in marriage I believe my body, mind or something wanted to return to that same rhythm. SinceI had a higher sex drive and couldn't, I got frustrated and became a jackass to my wife. You might think "why not just return to masterbating and porn again?" I promised myself I wouldn't. I consider it a form of an EA.

I wish I never sought an emotional escape from my marriage problems. My escapes were computer games, blogging websites, projects, spending time with friends and even books instead of talking to my wife about why I emotionally distance myself.

I wish I took more interest in my wife’s hobbies. Mine and hers overlap but I have never taken the time to combined them.


Some Questions:

How to I move past the anger?
How to I get past the pain?


*I edited it to fix the misspelled word.*
 

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Forget counseling for now. MC is for married couples who need help in their marriage.

Right now, you're wife is not married to you. She's more into the OM than you. If MC were to occur now - is should be between them or it should include him too.

From your description of your marriage I think it would be wise to let her go. Let her go and work on yourself. Seek IC from a competent counselor. I have nothing against religion based counselors but there are too many with an agenda that is not always in your best interest.

You should expose the affair to the OMW - do what you can to find her location. Don't buy the reason you've been given. Take evidence to her. She deserves to know.

And don't for a minute believe that she "chooses you" now. BTW she chose you when she recited her vows! If she wants out - then out she goes. Tell her to have a little decency with you.
 

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Cloaked, are you sure OMW is aware of her husband having an affair with your wife?, many times this kind of cheaters intercepts mails and FB messages because the have been warned from their affair partners (in this case your wife) that the BS have the intention to infor their spouses.

if you have not 100% comfirmation that his wife knows I advice you to keep trying to coantact her, becuase you may think that things between them are over but as long as the OM is free of consequences he have no reason to stop looking his free sex sessions
 

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I really can't understand why you are still with her, much less trying to save your "marriage". Forgive me for putting it this way, but there is no other way of putting it: "Where is your self respect man!". If I were is your shoes I would have thrown her out and would be exposing this affair to anyone and every one, with all the details. Also as walkonmars said:Tell the other guys wife!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Forget counseling for now. MC is for married couples who need help in their marriage.

Right now, you're wife is not married to you. She's more into the OM than you. If MC were to occur now - is should be between them or it should include him too.

From your description of your marriage I think it would be wise to let her go. Let her go and work on yourself. Seek IC from a competent counselor. I have nothing against religion based counselors but there are too many with an agenda that is not always in your best interest.

You should expose the affair to the OMW - do what you can to find her location. Don't buy the reason you've been given. Take evidence to her. She deserves to know.

And don't for a minute believe that she "chooses you" now. BTW she chose you when she recited her vows! If she wants out - then out she goes. Tell her to have a little decency with you.
I believe alot of my negativity bleeds through my words. She could very well be already gone. We keep fighting because I keep bringing up the affair. I told her it could be because I don't see regret and remorse from her. She says she is. I am not sure.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Incidentally this kind of stuff goes on in the Mormon Church more than you might suppose.
Niether her nor I are mormons anymore. The OM's bishop and stake president have talked with him. Last I heard from the bishop is that he was lying through his teath and was removed from all preisthood capacities.
 

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I believe alot of my negativity bleeds through my words. She could very well be already gone. We keep fighting because I keep bringing up the affair. I told her it could be because I don't see regret and remorse from her. She says she is. I am not sure.
you are absoluty right, your reaction is normal don't let nobody tell you otherwise, and yes she does not seem remorseful, let me bring some old posts mine to this conversation
 

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Niether her nor I are mormons anymore. The OM's bishop and stake president have talked with him. Last I heard from the bishop is that he was lying through his teath and was removed from all preisthood capacities.
Good for you! ;)

You could place him on www.cheatereville.com.
 

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would love to tell you that there is a easy way to overcome this but that is not the case, is hard, painful, requires real desire for you part and remorse and lots of heavy lifting for your WS, and for what I am Reading she is still not doing really effort to heal you.

I am sharing this post that will give tou and insight of what are you going through and, letting you know that your reactions are normal, and what is what your WS should do to help you to heal, share with her

post number 3

"Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners:"

you have to share it with your wife and she have to memorize it, to understand what to expect from you and how to really heal you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
 

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I believe alot of my negativity bleeds through my words. She could very well be already gone. We keep fighting because I keep bringing up the affair. I told her it could be because I don't see regret and remorse from her. She says she is. I am not sure.
Seriously brother, you need to let your testosterone bleed through your words.

She is gone. She is gone into the land of lala and polygamy. You keep fighting because your wife is a disrespectful _________ of a woman who wants to bed another man and leave you sit and wallow in your self pity.

MC will NOT work. You need to boot her to the curb and blow up the affair. Go to his temple and scream it at the top of your lungs during the main service or whatever you need to do. Your wife is lost. She needs to find herself.

Find people who can matter and apply pressure. The OMW needs to know and she is really just sticking her head in the sand. Find your courage. It is not be nice time it is be a man time. If she doesn't want you kick her cheating self out and move on and don't look back!
 

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Your anger needs to be channeled to a purpose - it appears you are letting your anger and feeling of betrayal get hold of you - this leaves you floundering and appearing weak to your wife.

The OM looks strong to her - sorry but it's often the case.

Your best bet is to expose the affair RIGHT NOW to the OM'sW. Then institute the 180 (see the link in my sig line).

Take time. Lot's of it to consider what you want out of the rest of your life. Do you feel comfortable having this woman, who would lie to you and carry on an affair with a married man - a woman who would be a party to the destruction of two families - be mother to your children? If so, ask yourself why?

You should thank God that you don't have children with this woman.
 

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I believe alot of my negativity bleeds through my words. She could very well be already gone. We keep fighting because I keep bringing up the affair. I told her it could be because I don't see regret and remorse from her. She says she is. I am not sure.


No man, that is a totally normal reaction, cheating takes deception, manipulation, planning, ploting, so many despicable actions betraying someone who you are supposed to love and protect.

something would be wrong with you, if trust her just by believing her words, that is why WS have to accept the full transparency policy if they want a second chance.

- full acces to cell pone and no passwords, and you are free to look at it whenever you want.
- full acces to all passwords for social media FB, skype, mails.
- GPS installed in cell pone.
- report of where she is or where she is going when she go out of routine.
- key logger in her computer (this you have to do it without her knowladge).

if she refuses, she is no remorseful and probably still hading something.
 

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Your best bet is to expose the affair RIGHT NOW to the OM'sW. Then institute the 180 (see the link in my sig line).
I have told my family and hers. I have informed his church. I have contacted the OM father becasue that is the only number I could find online. I have sent the OM family a facebook message informing them. I have tried contacting the OM wife through facebook but not in person. What else is there to do?
 

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- full acces to cell pone and no passwords, and you are free to look at it whenever you want.
- full acces to all passwords for social media FB, skype, mails.
- GPS installed in cell pone.
- report of where she is or where she is going when she go out of routine.
- key logger in her computer (this you have to do it without her knowladge).

if she refuses, she is no remorseful and probably still hading something.
- full acces to cell pone and no passwords, and you are free to look at it whenever you want.

Is ok with


- full acces to all passwords for social media FB, skype, mails.

Will not because she says I have been cyber stalking the OM.

- GPS installed in cell pone.

Will not

- report of where she is or where she is going when she go out of routine.

Will not

- key logger in her computer (this you have to do it without her knowladge).

It is password protected
 

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- full acces to all passwords for social media FB, skype, mails.


Will not because she says I have been cyber stalking the OM.

- GPS installed in cell pone.

Will not

- report of where she is or where she is going when she go out of routine.

Will not

- key logger in her computer (this you have to do it without her knowladge).

It is password protected
These are all deal-breakers. What's she's telling you is that she's single and won't respect boundaries. She wants the single life while you provide the daddy role of providing food and shelter. F that! TIME TO 180
 

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The OM does not consider you married. You are no longer Mormons, so he sees your marriage as not being valid.

He has targeted your wife as he sees her as fair game as she is married to an apostate. He wants to take her from you and take her as a "spiritual bride" who he will keep secret from his own wife. He will then reactivate your wife as a faithful Mormon. Whilst having sex with her, of course.

As all this -if public- would get him excommunicated in most -but not all- Mormon Wards, then he will not want any publicity.

Please remind me. Does his wife know?
 

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The OM does not consider you married. You are no longer Mormons, so he sees your marriage as not being valid.

He has targeted your wife as he sees her as fair game as she is married to an apostate. He wants to take her from you and take her as a "spiritual bride" who he will keep secret from his own wife. He will then reactivate your wife as a faithful Mormon. Whilst having sex with her, of course.

As all this -if public- would get him excommunicated in most -but not all- Mormon Wards, then he will not want any publicity.

Please remind me. Does his wife know?
According to his bishop she doesn't. My wife wrote her an apoligy letter, not sure if she got it though. I could meet her in person, I feel that would be unwise.
 
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