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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,
Been lurking on here for a bit. Posted a couple of times.
Well here we go...
Been separated from my wife a year this month, I moved out last September but we kept on being together till December last year.
We have been married 2 years this past April and have an awesome little 2 year old girl together. Total of 6 years together.
Well...my little white lies caught up with me and so did my privacy. I was texting 2 girls, my friends nothing more but it was suspicious to her. She did read my texts(I never lock my phone because I have nothing to hide). Even though I didn't cheat, the fact that one girl was my ex-fiance(nothing there just talk)and I talked about my current relationship with my wife to her, she didn't like this(I wouldn't either). The 2nd was a girl I've known since I was 16, I dated her sister for a year and happened to stay close to her instead of her sis. What we talked about was nothing more than current relationships, her's and mine. She was telling me about her boyfriend and I talked about mine and the lack of sex I was getting, none in almost a year at that point(my daughter was a newborn and my wife was home all day with her everyday. My wife mistook this for us "liking" each other but we didn't. It was conversation only. I always hid it from her, even if there was nothing going on because I was always worried that she would get mad, she is a bit of a hot head.
We meet thru a car club, she had a 02 Z28 and I ran the group of trans am/Camaros. We didn't like each other right away like that, as we hit it off as good friends texting like crazy. Giving each other advice etc.
We finally got together by chance and it was wonderful.
Well...we broke up in 2010 for about 3 weeks, bad argument, in those 3 weeks I was pissed, so I contacted my one of my ex's. Well we shot texts back and forth. It ended in her telling me "Awww I love you". I replied "i love you too girl". Well my wife(girlfriend at the time)read this while I was talking to her mom about taking care of her daughter since we got prego with my daughter. She read the texts. As you'd expect, yelling occurred, get out happened. At the end of it, 4 hours later we agreed to stay together. She gave me 1 year to stop texting girls. We got married a few months later(we put if off for 2 years, then did it). I got laid off a couple times(never happened before)during my daughter first 3 months of life. It was rough but we made it though and I got a full time job again in May of 2011 after 7 months of part time work. I went the year and then some. I slipped by texting the friends of mine, I thought it was ok too since I wasn't trying to do anything.
I left to prevent further argument out of our place. It was going fine me not living there but as most slowly went down the hole. She stated I never helped her with my daughter after I got home from work. 16 hours days of mechanics kill but that was no excuse though. She never got a break..why should I.
Now I have been doing my changes for over a year now, she asked me to come back last November but didn't because we didn't work on anything to make us better. I haven't done anything with another women since I left the house last September, been going to MC's then now an IC. We went to a MC together once, she cried during the visit but she didn't like the counsler(I didn't either). We changed places. Went to the new one where she cried a lot there too. Well I have been going and she never goes anymore(3 times in 7 months).
She stated she doesn't know why she is still angry with me(in June)and doesn't get it. Then we talked again in October, where i asked for a divorce if she wanted too. She said no, she is just confused and that she isn't used to working and having money of her own(she is a ballroom teacher), and that she is not ready yet because she is feeling independent. This is her first job. I agreed that I didn't want the divorce either. Some days she is cool with me, I have stopped pursuing her and backed off a ton. I did get her a bday gift this past monday. It was a simple gift, a DVD of the past season of her favorite show since she never gets to see it. Last year I bought her shoes and a necklace. I can see my daughter ANYTIME I want too. So that is not a problem.
I know I had to back off and I did. I slip sometimes with being nice and saying things like "Ok well see ya, have a great day" but other than that I am just cool with her and she is with me. She gets annoyed with me though since her parents and well...whole family like me a lot. She gets mad that I am basically nice to her. My family have a problem with her though, but I had a talk and told them I pick my marriage above anything else currently and I need them to be supportive IF it does work out. They agreed and said they'd be ok with her again.
Although I am confused about what she wants to do, one thing is I know I gotta keep bettering myself and being a great dad with my daughter because she is more important.
I have made it clear to my friends and family that my #1 priority is my marriage and hopefully fixing it. I am not blind that I may never get it back.
I asked if there was another man involved since it's been a year, she said no and that she works way to much, has our daughter and never goes out(she hardly does as she works 7 days a week teaching). For now I will give her the benefit of the doubt.
So i have started IC not Mc now and we are working on me only now. My wife is in serious need of help, she has anger problems(grudges held way to long, even lost friends of petty grudges she holds). She was molested by 2 cousins for 6 years from age 4-10. She stated I can not protect her or my daughter(a few months ago).
I have started the 180 just a few days ago.
Like most though, I am really hoping I can gain my family back somehow though hard work and self improvement. Hopefully she will get help as well. She went to an IC in October after I asked her to go for herself and our daughter. I don't think she is going as she says she is busy, I don't ask.
I have ups and downs like everyone. I just hope that I can get it back and start fresh. Let's see..She once stated that "if we do get back together...we gotta start from scratch". Hope so.
Comments welcomed..I just wanted to share since I see others do, I was embarrassed at first then this site showed me that others are gong thru the same thing and feelings. Thanks folks...I like reading all your stories.
Paul
(sorry for the looooong read)
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Wondering if before I do give up...if I should write a letter to her, brief, and basically say I'm sorry for the mistakes I made. Not sure if this is wise, leaning towards unwise.
Her mom and dad both told me that I gotta keep going and she will come back. That they are both behind me and love me very much. Her brothers are also behind me and stated "We're with you brother, your family". So...idk, as much as I seem ok here, I am a wreck some days, at work sometimes(I'm a boss)I can't concentrate, other days I walk upright and happy. Emotionally, this is so hard as I miss my daughter so much and miss her. IDK..hope this gets better, it's been a year and a little less without kissing her(last time we kissed was this past March). Damnit emotions. :scratchhead:
 

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Hey there....Iroc.

Glad you are onto the 180. I think its time for your wife to miss you a little hey?

no letter,,make her crave you again...

get to work and have fun.....the mystery of a new you will be alluring
 

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Iroc,

If you haven't done so already, lose those numbers of those other girls if you want even a snowball's chance in hel! with your wife!
 

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Paul - Never leave your family and don't even talk about Divorce because if you do IT WILL HAPPEN, so better not even have that word on your lips.

Give her some time but be very lovable and dutiful to your daughter.

Zappy
 

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I think you are being too hard on yourself. You admit she has a lot of issues. From being molested, and the resulting intimacy issues that arise from that, and her anger problems, yet you constantly talk about having to better 'yourself' to make it work. It sounds like until she fixes herself and decides what she wants you could be 'bettering' yourself for years.

While you shouldn't have been talking to other women about your marriage I wouldn't beat myself up about it too much. What is done is done. To me texting other people, even women, isn't a issue in a trusting marriage, but when you get into deep emotional conversations with them it is a problem. Instead of working things out properly with your wife and talking to her you went to someone else.

You will never be able to start fresh with this relationship. Even if everything that has happened is forgiven it will never be forgotten.
So be careful what you say and do from here on out. Don't get into arguments. If you feel yourself getting mad or heated just tell her you would prefer to talk about this later or you need time to think about whatever she said.

I'm impressed at your commitment to your marriage. A full year and you are still working hard at it. Restores some of my faith in relationships
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks everyone. I did get rid of those #'s. My good friend told me, it's ok and she understands that my marriage is more important than our friendship at this point. So..all my distractions are gone. Talked to my parents and they know what is important now.
I do batter myself a bit because I am the one that messed up but I also know that I can only apologize so much.
Though my IC's and MC's, I have been slowly coping better than I was about 6 months ago or so. Her emotions are a wreck, I know she is still mad at me, grudge holder, as her mom told me "she just has no confidence in you that your dofferent". So...only time will tell I guess. I can't keep looking in the past, my old relationship is gone, even though sge says a lot of"if we get back together", I know that she won't forget my past sins. Emotional cheating is very hard to get over, I pray one day she can at least try to trust me.again.
The hard part was when she told me in September and again in October is "Paul, if we get back together, i'm never going back to your parents. They don't like me". I said "Ok, if and I mean IF, you have to do it for us. We gotta be bigger than them. They don't hate you, they are just upset.". She stated "Well I love your dad, but your mom is gonna have to apologize to me, and even then maybe, maybe I migt not wanna go". To me she feels rejected and at the same time being Immature about it. My mom and her don't see eye to eye.
Idk...but I haven't given up because to me...it doesn't seem to be that outta reach, i'm not blind but it doesn't to me. She'll text me just to ask when i'm picking up our daughter, tli keep it short. Or she'll tell me about what our daughter dis and how funny. Or show me vids of her teaching class and my kiddo dancing with them. The next she could be annoyed by me for no reason.
Glad I restored some faith in you Nowhere...i found some in here too. Wherever my path leads, I at least have a kick butt daughter. Hopefully my W, see's what her family see's and at least thinks about hanging out. I'd like nothing more than to talk to her again, we were great friends before, now married to my best friend and losing both relationships really hurts.
The holidays don't make it easy..but we gotta keep going.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Worked like a mad man today, training soon to be managers and such...a few thoughts about her today, but I shook them off and concentrated on the task at hand. Sucks...the holidays are the hardest because all you want is to hear their voice and feel their embrace. Here's to hoping but getting my life together.
 
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