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Hi

Decided I wanted to start a thread so I have a place to come to to vent, express my feelings, the ups and downs. Hopefully more ups that downs!

My husband has been withdrawn for a month, however this coincided with my mother's visit from Canada, so I didn't have the time to draw him out- and he seemed to be not keen to talk. Two days after my mum left (I live in the UK), he went to Ireland for work as he does now and again. He was due to return the Monday, but didn't, and then he didn't return my calls either. Finally he rang and told me ILYBNILWY and my world collapsed. We've been married 12 years, no children, have always talked and been very loving towards each other, it's only been this past month or so that things didn't feel right between us. He's been under a huge amount of stress as he is self employed and it's been a difficult year-18 months. He rarely takes days off. He had a totally dysfunctional childhood and I think he has some issues he needs to address in therapy. He said he just wanted to be alone and that I deserved someone better. I do worry that he's depressed. I think he has hit the limit of what he can take, and is having a crisis of identity(he also said he didn't know who he was anymore) and is very unhappy.

I recognise the part I've played in this scenario as I've relied on him too much as I don't have many friends since we moved to the country, and find my confidence has been affected a lot. I realise I needed to do more for myself so at least he didn't feel I was a burden to him. And I think weve both held things back from each other so to protect the other person. But this isn't healthy and maybe contributed to him feeling unhappy and isolated.

Almost three weeks later and he is still in Ireland. I have texted hum only a few times regarding finances and practicalities, although I did suggest that perhaps he should come home but he just texted back he wanted to be alone. I've asked him if there is someone else and he said no and I believe him.

Anyway I've been rewarding all sorts of marriage guidance books and such, trying to memorise what to say or do. To be honest, I'm sick to death of focussing on my marriage. So now I am just reading novels and whatever catches my fancy.

I've been doing the 180, although more with the intention of getting him back. I had a revelation yesterday when I realised I actually needed to do the 180 to help myself stay sane and grow as an individual.

I've actually coped fairly well so far, after the first we days. I got myself to the GP and was prescribed anti-depressants with referral for counselling. I've taken up old activities such as a poetry group and photography. I've also started a yoga class and am eying up a belly dance class in November. I went today to a personal development group that meets monthly, and it was awesome meeting new people, and feeling like i wasn't alone. The topic was self esteem and confidence, using NLP techniques.

Sorry this is so long. I don't really expect anyone to read this, it's for myself to keep track of how I'm doing!

Good luck with your own journey! xox :)
 

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Just read about JADE on a post by AngelPixie, basically its an acronym for :

J = justify
A = argue
D = defend
E = explain

I've just had a wake up call and realised I defend decent defend! Also justify and explain. Not so much arguing however, tho maybe my husband would disagree with that. Hmmm going to be changing this behaviour from now on!
 

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Been busy today but now that I've stopped for five minutes, I dust feel horrendous. Really bloody miserable. Guess that's par for the course and must be expected to come up now and again, but hard to cope its in the moment. totally sucks.
 

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Been busy today but now that I've stopped for five minutes, I dust feel horrendous. Really bloody miserable. Guess that's par for the course and must be expected to come up now and again, but hard to cope its in the moment. totally sucks.
Hi Chopsy. Just read your thread. Sorry you're going through this.

My H too was stressed and depressed and he left. Turned out in his case there was someone else. Someone who came along when he was at his lowest.

Good for you for keeping busy. There will be ups and downs. I hope your H will at least come back and talk to you. My H avoided that as much as he could.

Doing the 180 is an excellent idea. It will help you to grow stronger and be able to deal with whatever happens.

Stay strong.
 

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Sorry to hear what you're going through. Starting a thread to keep track of your situation and progress is a good idea. Helps keeps things in one place so people can comment and offer support more easily.

Make time to take care of yourself. Indulge in things that please you, when you can. Exercise to get rid of some of the anxiety that will build up. Learn about the 180.

And, hang in there!
 
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Yesterday I was feeling a bit down and suddenly remembered a sheet of white card I had bought with the intention of making a vision board so I got out a pile of magazines and started cutting and glueing. Very restorative thing to do. I included activities I wanted to try, places I wanted to go, the type of house I'd like, things and people I love. I've set it up where I can see it and I hope. It will help me turn my focus to what's positive in my life and what it can be,
 

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Went and saw my personal trainers today for the first time months. I crashed my car in early July and my mother stayed for five weeks through Aug and Sept, and then my H left late Sept so I have been away for awhile. I've trained with him since April last year. He's also a life coach and is wonderful in that way, as well as kicking my butt. Can't wait to get back to lifting weights, today was just mobility and foam rolling. Still tough tho. He knows my H too which helps as he used to train with him as well. He's texted him a few times but H hasn't said much to him. Anyway it was great to go and do something positive for myself.

I've also taken up a yoga class with SIL, joined two social groups on Meetup, joined a book group, and a once a month NLP group to work through topics like confidence, self esteem, success, beliefs, etc. it feels aŵesome to be getting out and meeting people. I've decided to totally let go of my H. I still love him and want him to come back, but I can't make him do it.and I want him to come back for the right reason. Also he's going to have to up his game to be with me!
 

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After my training session, I realised how unfit I've become in the last few months. Guess the dog walks weren't really doing much. Did a hillwalk with the dogs today that I usually manage fine and I had to stop several times to get my breath. Anyway I know I haven't been eating too well since H left. I am not a big eater anyway and my appetite has just disappeared. If I have anything it's a bowl of soup. Which isn't a bad option I guess. But I know I need more protein, vegetables, etc. I bought some oranges and bananas and have been having those. But I really am struggling to make myself prepare a proper meal. I don't even think about food until I'm absolutely starving. And by then I just want whatever's easy, like a banana. Anyway if you have any thoughts on how to improve my diet, do let me know. I know my diet might not seem like a serious topic on this forum, and it is fairly minor, but I am trying to look after myself and I think if I could eat better it would make a difference to my moods and energy.
 

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It's been a month today. I am NC except regarding finances. I'm skint and relying on him-when he left he said he would continue to pay for everything, but he either is having a difficult time - something my SIL alluded to after a phone call with him. Or he could be living it up or be having an EA or PA, but at this point I have no evidence. Anyway I haven't worked for some time as I have been in university studying archaeology. I'm taking a break this year after what happened with us, and now looking for a job or an opportunity. Ideally I'd like to train as a life coach and NLP practitioner but those courses cost £££.

Anyway life is good otherwise. I went to my first meetup outing a few days ago and it was good fun. I'm getting out more. I'm making a list of 101 goals and affirmations. I literally live only one day at a time, otherwise I can get n a tailspin thinking about the future. And I've realised I have to let him figure ths out, and that I have no control over him. Sometimes I am tempted to call but then realise he will likely see it's controlling. In a week or two I might contact him just to check in, tho perhaps it's not a good idea. Hard to know what's best sometimes.

Oh and I made a vision board and am now thinking of doing another. It's a nice activity and makes you focus on what you really want.

Having said all that it totally sucks to be going through this. However I'm determined to stay positive and get on with my life.
 

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Had a weak moment this evening, and texted him, saying I know he wants to be alone, but hat I would always be on his side. I said I am doing well and moving on with my life and hope all is well with him.

Hard to know if that was a good thing or not. Probably not. Back to 180 again.
 

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I understand on the weak moments. Hugged my wife before bed (She just returned home yesterday after travelling for the entire week after I found out) ... also probably a mistake as i guess it "reinforces the bad behavior".

I think the 180 helps, but doesnt completely stop the human side of us from breaking through every now and again.
 

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Wish I knew when he's coming back. It's hard for me living in limbo. When he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, (on the phone!!!),he said he would come back and talk about it with me. It's been a month now, could be many months yet for all I know. It sucks not knowing. And he said there was no one else, but how do I know for sure? Do I trust him on that? I did when he told me. Not so sure now. Tho still hoping fora positive outcome.
 

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Wish I knew when he's coming back. It's hard for me living in limbo. When he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, (on the phone!!!),he said he would come back and talk about it with me. It's been a month now, could be many months yet for all I know. It sucks not knowing. And he said there was no one else, but how do I know for sure? Do I trust him on that? I did when he told me. Not so sure now. Tho still hoping fora positive outcome.
my H told me there was no-one else. There was. this may not be the same in your case, just something to consider.

I don't know. maybe if your start the process for a legal separation, it may shock him into action. it might at least get him back to talk to you. If things work out, you don't need to go through with it, but he needs to know that you're not just going to sit around waiting for him. You're going to move on with your life.
 

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Sometimes I think the title of this thread is a presumptive-surviving and thriving?? I must have had a good day when I wrote that! Lol
Unlike today. Called SIL who's been a rock for me, I just felt terrible today, was crying, no positivity, out of control, worried about money, wonderingif my H is having an affair or if he will ever come home.

After a useless hour spent reading horoscopes and tarot-yes it's pathetic, and a bit desperate. I decided to email him. Up till now our contact has been by text and only about finances. Some things can't be said in a text and he won't take a call from me. Its been a month and probably not a good idea, but I laid my cards on the table and wrote about what went wrong in our marriage and what my role was in it. I also said I wanted him to be happy and if separating was necessary then I encourage him to do it and not return until he wanted to. Maybe I've given away too much but I want him to find himself and be happy. If there's someone else it will come out eventually. I want to be happy too. I feel much better for having sent it. I don't expect anyone else to understand this but I needed to do it to feel good n myself.
 

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My wife swore to me multiple times that she had called it off with the OM while she worked through the divorce.

I discovered today that that is not true. I told her how much her continuing to lie when there is no reason hurt me (oops, i failed at the 180 again today). These people just cannot think of anyone but themselves at this point.

I just wish there had been a way to identify these type of people before i fell for one. They they could all be with each other ...
 

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My wife swore to me multiple times that she had called it off with the OM while she worked through the divorce.

I discovered today that that is not true. I told her how much her continuing to lie when there is no reason hurt me (oops, i failed at the 180 again today). These people just cannot think of anyone but themselves at this point.
She lies because she isn't sure about the OM and want to keep you as plan B in my opinion .

I just wish there had been a way to identify these type of people before i fell for one. They they could all be with each other ...
I wish that too

@Chopsy , stay strong and post here , it may help .
 

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She lies because she isn't sure about the OM and want to keep you as plan B in my opinion .



I wish that too

@Chopsy , stay strong and post here , it may help .
Bigmac - The sad part is part of me wishes that were true. But I know my STBXW well enough. She doesnt do anything half-assed and doesnt look back. It is full steam ahead for her.

Chopsy - I dont know about you, but i just keep reminding myself that other people have survived this and much, much worse. It doesnt help much, but sometimes the perspective is nice.
 

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@Chopsy , stay strong and post here , it may help .
Thanks BIgMac, I am feeling better today and tackling the garden, good to let some steam off. I am finding posting here very helpful, it gives me a place to vent and express my feelings, i will continue to do so.
 
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