I am very thankful I found this website and forum. It has been encouraging for me to see I am not alone in the waters of navigating a difficult marriage. Please read my story and DO REPLY, if u like with any advise, encouragement, shard experience, or other. My story...I have been married for 8 &1/2 years. My wife and I have two children, both girls, and under the age of five (we unfortunately had a miscarriage within the last month). About me, I am a Christian (this will be of importance later). I work one full-time job, and two part-time jobs. My wife stays home with the girls, by her own desire and my blessing. I attended for years of college and three years of graduate school in the States, and work at a large University (full time job) where I specialize in working with athletics. I, myself, was a two sport athlete in college and began running and marathon running after University.
My marriage and my wife
First, please allow me to say I presently hate my marriage. It has not always been this way, but for some years it has evoked from hurt, to hate, to the beginnings of indifference. My wife and I married in 2005. We both were in our mid-twenties, and I believed on our way to a very good life together. My wife is beautiful, really beautiful, in fact I have told her she is a "rare beauty." She is likewise a Christian, and our shared faith is our most important core value. Once married we left so I could begin my graduate studies some six hours away from where we grew up. I couldn't wait to go off to school with her, and begin our life together. But really, the train never for off the tracks...on our honeymoon my wife tells me she thinks maybe she is not a "sex kitten." She was a virgin when we married, but was raised by Christian parents who were more "legalistic" than graceful. She was basically taught "sex is dirty, and good girls don't do it." I was likewise a virgin, but my chastity has more to do with expectation and proper understanding of sexuality and marriage. I was however quite prone to "hooking up" with girls while in high school, but never having intercourse. After becoming a CHristian at 18 years of age, I decided to hold off on sex until marriage. My wife has told me during our engagement that she was going or make me "the most sexually satisfied man in the world." I thought, wow! I am getting a horny virgin...hardly. On our wedding night we did not have sex, mostly because she was emotionally spent. I dated and waited for three years to get denied on my wedding night. We move off the grad school for me, and immediately she is sad. She misses home. When we go back to visit her parents, she cried for 2+hrs of the 6hr car road back regularly. She is always worried about her parents, how they are doing and wants or send them money, even though we had very little.
Unhealthy Parents...
Growing up her dad. A minister, cheated on her mother 2x. In each instance (13yrs and 19rs of age) the parents went to her for comfort and help. Her mother would not sleep in the same bed as her father, and would cry to my wife (13yrs old at the time) each night before going to sleep. Her father would come and ask her to help him with her mom. You know, talk to her for him, or put in a good word for him. Her older sister pretended like nothing was wrong and went and smoke, drank, and has sex as a distraction. No one ever got help or counseling. The parents went and met with a small town church pastor who basically told them "the devil was attacking their marriage." In reality, her mom was likely starving her dad for sex and using it as a "reward/punishment" tactic, and her dad's church secretary was wiling and available. So, to say the least her parents poisoned my marriage before it ever began.
A Sinner and a Saint...beginning in the first few weeks of our marriage I would ask my wife to pray with me at night. I would even from time to time ask her to pray for me when I was struggling with a particular sin. Even while at the beach on holiday with her family I shared with her that I was struggling with lust, and that it was hard when I see many women dressed with very little. She acted as I'd she understood and said she would pray for me. She never once, even when I asked, shared with me an area in her life that I could join her in praying about. She would later admit that she didn't feel at that time she "had any sin."
Starved for Sex...
Over the course of our marriage we have rarely had sex. There have been several years where we have had sex likely less than 10x. I have never once been unfaithful to my wife emotionally or physically. In one of my part-time jobs I am around many married and single women. I get hit on quite a bit from both single ladies, and married ones as well. I always brush off the compliment, but appreciate it as well and move on. But, I can tell you this, it would be easier to get laid outside my house than inside. I have tried many ways to please my wife, emotionally and physically. I have tried to talk with her about sex, but that is a dead end conversation. I stay in great shape (4 marathons finished), I work around the house, I talk with my wife, and I used to hold her...used to, I know. Well, I got quite tired of all the "cuddling" that led to her going to bed. What should have been the starter to greater levels of intimacy, was the climax for her...cuddling.
Home is where the heart is...
Well, then my wife is stuck at home with her miserable parents. She continues to try and fix their unresolved issues and problems, even though they don't seem to care to fix them. After our two kids, parenting her own parents, there is not much left for me.
Issues of my own...
Lest I come across as a hero amongst commoners I will share a bit more about me and my glaring defeincies and weaknesses. I struggle with ADD and depression. As I look back on my own life I can see that from the time I was 13yrs of age that I have been in a cycle of depression, some mild and some very severe. Most would not recognize either in me, unless you were very close with me, of of course lived with me. Well. My wife does lice with me and I can make it tough on her when I get down and have a difficult time pulling myself out of the pit. I am prone to be moody, get my feelings hurt easily, and need more verbal affirmation than most. I can be also, easily frustrated and discouraged, selfish and judgmental. Only in the past two years have I begun treatment for my ADD and depression (I am 33yrs of age now) and it has been game changer for me. I take several different medications for focus, sleep, and mood stabilization. All have been great for me, and I really appreciate my doctor I see for these issues. I got issues...that is for sure.
Counseling....
We began or go to counseling just over two years ago with a mixed bag of results. Our therapist is great, and some strides have been made, but much is still to be done, or perhaps better, is not getting done. On our very first night of counseling the therapist asked me why I was there, I followed his question by beating my soul and confessing every sin problem and martial short coming I could think of. After I finished he turned to my wife and asked her the same question p, to which she replied, "my husband is not in a good place and I am here to help him get better"....Part 2 to follow
My marriage and my wife
First, please allow me to say I presently hate my marriage. It has not always been this way, but for some years it has evoked from hurt, to hate, to the beginnings of indifference. My wife and I married in 2005. We both were in our mid-twenties, and I believed on our way to a very good life together. My wife is beautiful, really beautiful, in fact I have told her she is a "rare beauty." She is likewise a Christian, and our shared faith is our most important core value. Once married we left so I could begin my graduate studies some six hours away from where we grew up. I couldn't wait to go off to school with her, and begin our life together. But really, the train never for off the tracks...on our honeymoon my wife tells me she thinks maybe she is not a "sex kitten." She was a virgin when we married, but was raised by Christian parents who were more "legalistic" than graceful. She was basically taught "sex is dirty, and good girls don't do it." I was likewise a virgin, but my chastity has more to do with expectation and proper understanding of sexuality and marriage. I was however quite prone to "hooking up" with girls while in high school, but never having intercourse. After becoming a CHristian at 18 years of age, I decided to hold off on sex until marriage. My wife has told me during our engagement that she was going or make me "the most sexually satisfied man in the world." I thought, wow! I am getting a horny virgin...hardly. On our wedding night we did not have sex, mostly because she was emotionally spent. I dated and waited for three years to get denied on my wedding night. We move off the grad school for me, and immediately she is sad. She misses home. When we go back to visit her parents, she cried for 2+hrs of the 6hr car road back regularly. She is always worried about her parents, how they are doing and wants or send them money, even though we had very little.
Unhealthy Parents...
Growing up her dad. A minister, cheated on her mother 2x. In each instance (13yrs and 19rs of age) the parents went to her for comfort and help. Her mother would not sleep in the same bed as her father, and would cry to my wife (13yrs old at the time) each night before going to sleep. Her father would come and ask her to help him with her mom. You know, talk to her for him, or put in a good word for him. Her older sister pretended like nothing was wrong and went and smoke, drank, and has sex as a distraction. No one ever got help or counseling. The parents went and met with a small town church pastor who basically told them "the devil was attacking their marriage." In reality, her mom was likely starving her dad for sex and using it as a "reward/punishment" tactic, and her dad's church secretary was wiling and available. So, to say the least her parents poisoned my marriage before it ever began.
A Sinner and a Saint...beginning in the first few weeks of our marriage I would ask my wife to pray with me at night. I would even from time to time ask her to pray for me when I was struggling with a particular sin. Even while at the beach on holiday with her family I shared with her that I was struggling with lust, and that it was hard when I see many women dressed with very little. She acted as I'd she understood and said she would pray for me. She never once, even when I asked, shared with me an area in her life that I could join her in praying about. She would later admit that she didn't feel at that time she "had any sin."
Starved for Sex...
Over the course of our marriage we have rarely had sex. There have been several years where we have had sex likely less than 10x. I have never once been unfaithful to my wife emotionally or physically. In one of my part-time jobs I am around many married and single women. I get hit on quite a bit from both single ladies, and married ones as well. I always brush off the compliment, but appreciate it as well and move on. But, I can tell you this, it would be easier to get laid outside my house than inside. I have tried many ways to please my wife, emotionally and physically. I have tried to talk with her about sex, but that is a dead end conversation. I stay in great shape (4 marathons finished), I work around the house, I talk with my wife, and I used to hold her...used to, I know. Well, I got quite tired of all the "cuddling" that led to her going to bed. What should have been the starter to greater levels of intimacy, was the climax for her...cuddling.
Home is where the heart is...
Well, then my wife is stuck at home with her miserable parents. She continues to try and fix their unresolved issues and problems, even though they don't seem to care to fix them. After our two kids, parenting her own parents, there is not much left for me.
Issues of my own...
Lest I come across as a hero amongst commoners I will share a bit more about me and my glaring defeincies and weaknesses. I struggle with ADD and depression. As I look back on my own life I can see that from the time I was 13yrs of age that I have been in a cycle of depression, some mild and some very severe. Most would not recognize either in me, unless you were very close with me, of of course lived with me. Well. My wife does lice with me and I can make it tough on her when I get down and have a difficult time pulling myself out of the pit. I am prone to be moody, get my feelings hurt easily, and need more verbal affirmation than most. I can be also, easily frustrated and discouraged, selfish and judgmental. Only in the past two years have I begun treatment for my ADD and depression (I am 33yrs of age now) and it has been game changer for me. I take several different medications for focus, sleep, and mood stabilization. All have been great for me, and I really appreciate my doctor I see for these issues. I got issues...that is for sure.
Counseling....
We began or go to counseling just over two years ago with a mixed bag of results. Our therapist is great, and some strides have been made, but much is still to be done, or perhaps better, is not getting done. On our very first night of counseling the therapist asked me why I was there, I followed his question by beating my soul and confessing every sin problem and martial short coming I could think of. After I finished he turned to my wife and asked her the same question p, to which she replied, "my husband is not in a good place and I am here to help him get better"....Part 2 to follow
