Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am very thankful I found this website and forum. It has been encouraging for me to see I am not alone in the waters of navigating a difficult marriage. Please read my story and DO REPLY, if u like with any advise, encouragement, shard experience, or other. My story...I have been married for 8 &1/2 years. My wife and I have two children, both girls, and under the age of five (we unfortunately had a miscarriage within the last month). About me, I am a Christian (this will be of importance later). I work one full-time job, and two part-time jobs. My wife stays home with the girls, by her own desire and my blessing. I attended for years of college and three years of graduate school in the States, and work at a large University (full time job) where I specialize in working with athletics. I, myself, was a two sport athlete in college and began running and marathon running after University.

My marriage and my wife

First, please allow me to say I presently hate my marriage. It has not always been this way, but for some years it has evoked from hurt, to hate, to the beginnings of indifference. My wife and I married in 2005. We both were in our mid-twenties, and I believed on our way to a very good life together. My wife is beautiful, really beautiful, in fact I have told her she is a "rare beauty." She is likewise a Christian, and our shared faith is our most important core value. Once married we left so I could begin my graduate studies some six hours away from where we grew up. I couldn't wait to go off to school with her, and begin our life together. But really, the train never for off the tracks...on our honeymoon my wife tells me she thinks maybe she is not a "sex kitten." She was a virgin when we married, but was raised by Christian parents who were more "legalistic" than graceful. She was basically taught "sex is dirty, and good girls don't do it." I was likewise a virgin, but my chastity has more to do with expectation and proper understanding of sexuality and marriage. I was however quite prone to "hooking up" with girls while in high school, but never having intercourse. After becoming a CHristian at 18 years of age, I decided to hold off on sex until marriage. My wife has told me during our engagement that she was going or make me "the most sexually satisfied man in the world." I thought, wow! I am getting a horny virgin...hardly. On our wedding night we did not have sex, mostly because she was emotionally spent. I dated and waited for three years to get denied on my wedding night. We move off the grad school for me, and immediately she is sad. She misses home. When we go back to visit her parents, she cried for 2+hrs of the 6hr car road back regularly. She is always worried about her parents, how they are doing and wants or send them money, even though we had very little.

Unhealthy Parents...
Growing up her dad. A minister, cheated on her mother 2x. In each instance (13yrs and 19rs of age) the parents went to her for comfort and help. Her mother would not sleep in the same bed as her father, and would cry to my wife (13yrs old at the time) each night before going to sleep. Her father would come and ask her to help him with her mom. You know, talk to her for him, or put in a good word for him. Her older sister pretended like nothing was wrong and went and smoke, drank, and has sex as a distraction. No one ever got help or counseling. The parents went and met with a small town church pastor who basically told them "the devil was attacking their marriage." In reality, her mom was likely starving her dad for sex and using it as a "reward/punishment" tactic, and her dad's church secretary was wiling and available. So, to say the least her parents poisoned my marriage before it ever began.

A Sinner and a Saint...beginning in the first few weeks of our marriage I would ask my wife to pray with me at night. I would even from time to time ask her to pray for me when I was struggling with a particular sin. Even while at the beach on holiday with her family I shared with her that I was struggling with lust, and that it was hard when I see many women dressed with very little. She acted as I'd she understood and said she would pray for me. She never once, even when I asked, shared with me an area in her life that I could join her in praying about. She would later admit that she didn't feel at that time she "had any sin."

Starved for Sex...
Over the course of our marriage we have rarely had sex. There have been several years where we have had sex likely less than 10x. I have never once been unfaithful to my wife emotionally or physically. In one of my part-time jobs I am around many married and single women. I get hit on quite a bit from both single ladies, and married ones as well. I always brush off the compliment, but appreciate it as well and move on. But, I can tell you this, it would be easier to get laid outside my house than inside. I have tried many ways to please my wife, emotionally and physically. I have tried to talk with her about sex, but that is a dead end conversation. I stay in great shape (4 marathons finished), I work around the house, I talk with my wife, and I used to hold her...used to, I know. Well, I got quite tired of all the "cuddling" that led to her going to bed. What should have been the starter to greater levels of intimacy, was the climax for her...cuddling.

Home is where the heart is...
Well, then my wife is stuck at home with her miserable parents. She continues to try and fix their unresolved issues and problems, even though they don't seem to care to fix them. After our two kids, parenting her own parents, there is not much left for me.

Issues of my own...
Lest I come across as a hero amongst commoners I will share a bit more about me and my glaring defeincies and weaknesses. I struggle with ADD and depression. As I look back on my own life I can see that from the time I was 13yrs of age that I have been in a cycle of depression, some mild and some very severe. Most would not recognize either in me, unless you were very close with me, of of course lived with me. Well. My wife does lice with me and I can make it tough on her when I get down and have a difficult time pulling myself out of the pit. I am prone to be moody, get my feelings hurt easily, and need more verbal affirmation than most. I can be also, easily frustrated and discouraged, selfish and judgmental. Only in the past two years have I begun treatment for my ADD and depression (I am 33yrs of age now) and it has been game changer for me. I take several different medications for focus, sleep, and mood stabilization. All have been great for me, and I really appreciate my doctor I see for these issues. I got issues...that is for sure.

Counseling....
We began or go to counseling just over two years ago with a mixed bag of results. Our therapist is great, and some strides have been made, but much is still to be done, or perhaps better, is not getting done. On our very first night of counseling the therapist asked me why I was there, I followed his question by beating my soul and confessing every sin problem and martial short coming I could think of. After I finished he turned to my wife and asked her the same question p, to which she replied, "my husband is not in a good place and I am here to help him get better"....Part 2 to follow
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
I might need to read part 2 to offer advice to you or a shared experience.

One thing to ask yourself is: has she changed, or is this just the way she is?

If this is just the way she is, you need to find a way to work around it and work together. It sounds like you married quite quickly so you might not have been able to get an understanding of each others' personalities. Heck...I don't even know if that matters. My husband and I have been married for as long as we lived in sin prior to marriage and its like he turned on a dime once our vows were spoken.

About the sex...do you make her feel comfortable? Do you create an environment for her that is not only safe, but also enjoyable and relaxing as well as inviting? I know, from first-hand experience, the things that have driven me away from my husband sexually are more about him than about me. And I have expressed this to him, as if my words have fallen upon deaf ears. Do you put effort into your encounters with her?

Do you groom regularly? Do you present yourself as a sexual creature to her and make an active effort to seduce her? Do you create a mood for her? Candles, back massage, soft music and dim lights? She, having less sexual experience than you, needs to feel comfortable and safe. This is difficult for many women--especially given the background you have shared about her upbringing. However! Her upbringing is not her fate!!! You two are not bonding spiritually either. Is there a way you can connect in the bedroom on a spiritual level, your two bodies become one----not through sex, but through intimacy. Cuddling is important although you do not feel as though it is. That is a MAJOR downfall for my husband and I. He thinks he can just "grab and go" and I feel as though quality cuddling is just as intimate and important as making love at times.

Try to find a way to intimately bond in the bedroom where it will bring you to a point of romantic intimacy. You have to give it effort, though. It has to be a priority. Do something quick before you lose it. Trust me. I fear my husband and I have lost it completely and now everything else is following.

Run your hands through her hair some times. Hold her face in your hands and look deeply in her eyes and kiss her on the mouth at least once each and every day. Hold her hand while you walk side by side. put your hand on the small of her back if she steps quicker than you. Don't lose that constant contact or it will be completely gone before you know it and you might not know how to ever start over again to get it back.

Trust me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
850 Posts
Waiting for part 2 but one thought occurs regarding ADD. Have you looked at your diet? One of my daughters suffers from it but is much better since she gave up dairy products.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Wow. She is not keeping her vows. Paul said have sex when the other wanted it, so that you or her would not be tempted. This whole sex shame thing is not from God. God created sex to be enjoyable. God only has a problem with cheating and deviancy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,149 Posts
What thound said.

Sex IS very much not dirty inside a marriage. In fact she is expected to make reasonable efforts to keep your balls empty. Sex is avery basic means of communication. A sign of trust as she gives herself to you. Letting you put part of your body inside of hers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Wow. She is not keeping her vows. Paul said have sex when the other wanted it, so that you or her would not be tempted. This whole sex shame thing is not from God. God created sex to be enjoyable. God only has a problem with cheating and deviancy.
While I agree she should not feel sex is dirty...especially in a marriage...the bible also says some pretty horrible things that you would not wish upon yourself or your family for that matter. Please don't pick and choose and glorify the word of God as it has been translated and reinterpreted throughout time.

She is not going against her vows ( I am sure she didn't not say, "I will allow you to have sex with my body whenever you want") by not having a high libido. YES, she SHOULD try harder and have more intimate encounters, but no one, I mean NO ONE should ever have to HAVE sex with their spouse just because the other one wants it. That is disrespectful and dehumanizing. It takes two to create and maintain intimacy.

I am so sick of seeing 'godly' people on here saying women HAVE to have sex with their husbands whenever they want it, even if the woman is not compliant. Isn't that a form of rape? That is not romantic and certainly does not hold to the vows of a marriage to violate someone in that manner. A husband and wife need to work in unison to create and maintain an environment and atmosphere where sex is a priority and a pleasure. It is a two-way street.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,592 Posts
With your first post I have this response:

You struggle with ADD and depression but have gotten good therapy and medications and you are much better

Your wife is failing you miserably in the sex department and is either really confused or is using all kinds of things as a cover up. BEFORE marriage she promised you
“that she was going or make me "the most sexually satisfied man in the world."
Then you have sex LESS than 10 xs per year!!!!!


She says
that she didn't feel at that time she "had any sin."

On top of all that you have her parents that have demonstrated a very poor marriage in the sex department. Then they use their young daughters to try and help them with their adult problems. What a mess!

So far here is what I say:

I hope that your wife gets a LOT better in the sex departing because you will not have a joyful marriage if she does not. In fact I would bet money that if she does not get a LOT better you will wind up cheating or divorcing her. I am not going to debate the right or wrong of those actions right now. I am just saying after all the debate on this thread and elsewhere you are not going to have a successful marriage with your current sex activities with your wife.

You sound like a very good man. I would try everything you can to help your wife with your marital sex situation. After trying just about everything I would give her choice. She can live up to half her pre-marriage promise about sex or you are going to take actions that are best for you and your children


If she will not change then I would make plans and then take actions that would be best for you and your children. Living in a marriage that has hate in it is poison; if separation or divorce will help you with the hate and your other issues then I would certainly take one of those actions. Your wife either misleads you or flat lied to you before your marriage about a very important part of marriage, SEX. She now refuses to correct that major mistake. If she continues to refuse then DO NOT feel guilty or anything else just take actions to make your life better without her!


Divorce is not the unpardonable sin!!!
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top