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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello everyone,

I'm new to the group and thought this might be a good place to help me get through the hard times and loneliness i'm now having to face.

To give you my background

I was married for 30 years and 7 months to the day when my wife told me she was leaving me for someone else 3 weeks before Christmas, this came completely out of the blue to me as we had both always told people our marriage was bomb proof, this came after my eldest daughter had tried to commit suicide and i almost lost my job as they were making people redundant where i work and i only just kept my job by the skin of my teeth.

We have 3 grown up children 2 girls and 1 boy, i don't really get on with my eldest daughter who has left home and we have had a bad relationship since she was about 12 however it has come to light recently that she does have some mental health issues which is something that we wasn't aware of back in my day so perhaps if i had have known this our relationship may have been better, my youngest daughter and i get on fine and she actually lives at home with me and has been my rock over the last couple of months. Finally my youngest is our son who also has left home and has also been of great support for me.

What makes it worse is that she started her affair exactly the same way she did with me many years ago as she was living with someone else when we got together.
I was staying at a mutual friends house whilst i was on leave from the army and she phoned up our friends house as mobiles weren't around back then and asked me if i wanted to go round for a coffee, i was a bit of a player in my youth and would basically jump in bed with any woman who was up for it, i never really even went out with a woman before we got together i just used to play the field so she really is the only woman i have ever loved.

Due to the way our relationship started i always used to say to her right up until the end if ever you fall out of love with me please just leave me don't cheat on me behind my back as i wouldn't be able to handle it.

Basically the man is someone we both knew from years ago but hadn't seen for many years, my wife works part time for a DIY company and apparently he had been going in to my wife's place of work as a customer for a while where no doubt they had been flirting with each other.

She phoned him up and asked him if they wanted to meet up for a coffee which she must have known there and then that making that phone call would be the end of our marriage, as although she told my youngest daughter when she first met him for a coffee it was just as friends in the past she has always told me when she was meeting up with people even old school friends on her day off so the fact she never mentioned him before or after their meeting for coffee says everything.

The next time she met him outside of work hours on her day off was at a hotel where they had sex, the hurtful thing is that every morning we used to send each other a flirty sexy text message so we would have definitely sent each other a flirty sexy text on the morning of her hotel meeting, we would have also snuggled up together on the sofa that night and would have either had sex together that night or at very least said the words i love you to each other as that's what we did every night.

She said she started seeing him at the beginning of October and our 30 year marriage was over on the 6th December, it wasn't until i started smashing things starting with her phone that she showed any emotion, i then stormed off to work and meanwhile she left the family home and moved in with him where she is now enjoying her new life.

To make it worse the reason that i didn't suspect anything was going on was because my oldest daughter had tried to commit suicide during this time and when i asked her why she was acting strange towards me she said it was nothing and that she was just feeling a bit off because of my daughters attempted suicide which looking back on i now find sickening.

I have been in a bad way since this has happened and done everything the wrong way, i tried to hang myself but my son was able to get to the house just in time, i had panic attacks, lost 5kg/12lbs in weight, i'm not sleeping, i'm on antidepressants.

To justify her cheating my wife has told a lot of lies about our relationship which in turn ended up causing hostility between us which accumulated in me getting a 2 year restraining order against me as i went to her place of work to try and get some answers to questions that my youngest daughter and myself had asked but got no reply.

However once she spotted my works vehicle she contacted her works and got 2 men from the store to escort her into work rather than getting either the police or security to remove me, this is something that she knew would wind me up as i had already told her during a phone call when she mentioned coming round to the house with a man for protection to get some belongings that if some man comes around to my house that i would kick off, to cut to the chase i was holding my wife by her lapel so she couldn't move and in the end there were about 6 or more men involved which only fired me up even more and although i tried to control myself at one point i grabbed her throat for a few seconds after she said to me "what are you going to do then" during some of our heated words and at another point i pulled her head back by her hair all of which i'm very ashamed of and deeply regret, the ironic thing is i didn't actually know where they lived until the judge told me otherwise i would have seriously hurt her new man and got into even more trouble.

At this moment in time i just feel lost and all alone as i basically only have my auntie, my son and my youngest daughter for support.
I don't have any real friends who i can go out with even more so because most people in my age group (i'm 53 ) are either married or living with a partner.

My eldest daughter actually spent Christmas day with her mom and the man who broke our family up so i no longer have contact with her and my son and youngest daughter have stopped contact with their mom as they do not agree with her cheating and lies.

I have now started counselling to help me control my temper and get over my problems but i just can't get the image of my wife cheating on me out of my head and think about her constantly even though its been just over 2 months now.
 

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Best thing you can do with the adulterous skank you call your wife, is ditch the ***** and gain a life.

File for D and take her to the cleaners. Out her to everyone far and wide.

Then move on and find yourself.

As for other women. There are a ton of them out there 40+, widowed, divorced, etc. who will treat you better than her.
 

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Due to the way our relationship started i always used to say to her right up until the end if ever you fall out of love with me please just leave me don't cheat on me behind my back as i wouldn't be able to handle it.
Welcome. A sad, yet not uncommon story. Sorry you are here, I hope you get what you're looking for.

As for the quoted part, you asked her to do something most women aren't able to do.
 

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Thanks Tron unfortunately in the UK the person who files for divorce has to pay twice the amount of the respondent which i find appalling it makes a complete mockery of marriage as you would think if you have committed adultery you should have to pay all the court costs.
 

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Welcome. A sad, yet not uncommon story. Sorry you are here, I hope you get what you're looking for.

As for the quoted part, you asked her to do something most women aren't able to do.
I personally could not have done it to her and then lived a lie snuggling up together saying i love you etc as if nothing was wrong.
 

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I personally could not have done it to her and then lived a lie snuggling up together saying i love you etc as if nothing was wrong.
Nor I.

I should have expanded more. What I was getting at is the idea that when a woman monkey branches to another man, she has to make sure it's a solid bet. She would be much less likely to just leave you without knowing there's a good chance of success with the new man. If she abided by your request to leave before cheating, that would be too risky. She stuck it out for 30yrs, but I assume the plan to leave you when the right guy came along was in her mind long before.
 

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Hello everyone,

I'm new to the group and thought this might be a good place to help me get through the hard times and loneliness i'm now having to face.

To give you my background

I was married for 30 years and 7 months to the day when my wife told me she was leaving me for someone else 3 weeks before Christmas, this came completely out of the blue to me as we had both always told people our marriage was bomb proof, this came after my eldest daughter had tried to commit suicide and i almost lost my job as they were making people redundant where i work and i only just kept my job by the skin of my teeth.

We have 3 grown up children 2 girls and 1 boy, i don't really get on with my eldest daughter who has left home and we have had a bad relationship since she was about 12 however it has come to light recently that she does have some mental health issues which is something that we wasn't aware of back in my day so perhaps if i had have known this our relationship may have been better, my youngest daughter and i get on fine and she actually lives at home with me and has been my rock over the last couple of months. Finally my youngest is our son who also has left home and has also been of great support for me.

What makes it worse is that she started her affair exactly the same way she did with me many years ago as she was living with someone else when we got together.
I was staying at a mutual friends house whilst i was on leave from the army and she phoned up our friends house as mobiles weren't around back then and asked me if i wanted to go round for a coffee, i was a bit of a player in my youth and would basically jump in bed with any woman who was up for it, i never really even went out with a woman before we got together i just used to play the field so she really is the only woman i have ever loved.

Due to the way our relationship started i always used to say to her right up until the end if ever you fall out of love with me please just leave me don't cheat on me behind my back as i wouldn't be able to handle it.

Basically the man is someone we both knew from years ago but hadn't seen for many years, my wife works part time for a DIY company and apparently he had been going in to my wife's place of work as a customer for a while where no doubt they had been flirting with each other.

She phoned him up and asked him if they wanted to meet up for a coffee which she must have known there and then that making that phone call would be the end of our marriage, as although she told my youngest daughter when she first met him for a coffee it was just as friends in the past she has always told me when she was meeting up with people even old school friends on her day off so the fact she never mentioned him before or after their meeting for coffee says everything.

The next time she met him outside of work hours on her day off was at a hotel where they had sex, the hurtful thing is that every morning we used to send each other a flirty sexy text message so we would have definitely sent each other a flirty sexy text on the morning of her hotel meeting, we would have also snuggled up together on the sofa that night and would have either had sex together that night or at very least said the words i love you to each other as that's what we did every night.

She said she started seeing him at the beginning of October and our 30 year marriage was over on the 6th December, it wasn't until i started smashing things starting with her phone that she showed any emotion, i then stormed off to work and meanwhile she left the family home and moved in with him where she is now enjoying her new life.

To make it worse the reason that i didn't suspect anything was going on was because my oldest daughter had tried to commit suicide during this time and when i asked her why she was acting strange towards me she said it was nothing and that she was just feeling a bit off because of my daughters attempted suicide which looking back on i now find sickening.

I have been in a bad way since this has happened and done everything the wrong way, i tried to hang myself but my son was able to get to the house just in time, i had panic attacks, lost 5kg/12lbs in weight, i'm not sleeping, i'm on antidepressants.

To justify her cheating my wife has told a lot of lies about our relationship which in turn ended up causing hostility between us which accumulated in me getting a 2 year restraining order against me as i went to her place of work to try and get some answers to questions that my youngest daughter and myself had asked but got no reply.

However once she spotted my works vehicle she contacted her works and got 2 men from the store to escort her into work rather than getting either the police or security to remove me, this is something that she knew would wind me up as i had already told her during a phone call when she mentioned coming round to the house with a man for protection to get some belongings that if some man comes around to my house that i would kick off, to cut to the chase i was holding my wife by her lapel so she couldn't move and in the end there were about 6 or more men involved which only fired me up even more and although i tried to control myself at one point i grabbed her throat for a few seconds after she said to me "what are you going to do then" during some of our heated words and at another point i pulled her head back by her hair all of which i'm very ashamed of and deeply regret, the ironic thing is i didn't actually know where they lived until the judge told me otherwise i would have seriously hurt her new man and got into even more trouble.

At this moment in time i just feel lost and all alone as i basically only have my auntie, my son and my youngest daughter for support.
I don't have any real friends who i can go out with even more so because most people in my age group (i'm 53 ) are either married or living with a partner.

My eldest daughter actually spent Christmas day with her mom and the man who broke our family up so i no longer have contact with her and my son and youngest daughter have stopped contact with their mom as they do not agree with her cheating and lies.

I have now started counselling to help me control my temper and get over my problems but i just can't get the image of my wife cheating on me out of my head and think about her constantly even though its been just over 2 months now.
Your story sounds very similar to mine, minus the restraining order and the violence.

My ex husband of almost 20 years started a relationship with another women, and when he was good and comfortable with her, he asked me for the divorce. He is still seeing her 2 years later.

I recognize how very difficult it is to do or even think about doing at this point but move forward with the divorce as swiftly as possible. You need to get the divorce settlement hashed out while she is still in lala land with her new boyfriend. You may not like that she's left for someone new but at least you have better odds for a good settlement. At 53, financial stability is the name of the game.

If you do nothing at all for yourself, please seek individual counseling to learn to deal with your anger management issues. I don't know if this is a new thing for you or something that you've always had to manage but attempting to strangle your wife, yanking her hair, and/or physically assaulting her in any way is sure to land you in jail. Work with a professional on your anger issues and on letting go. As @Tron stated, there are women 40+ who will treat you well but none of the worthwhile ones want to tether themselves to a man with anger issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
OnTheFly i agree with you i just wished she had spoken to me if she was unhappy and given me the chance to put things right, as i thought we were both happy obviously i didn't feel the need to do anything any different.

I'm just hoping that he breaks her heart just like how she has broken my heart so that she gets to feel some of the pain that i've had to feel.
 

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Since you are locked into this relationship as it were until she files i would at least do the following:
1. remove her name from bank accounts, your will, insurance policies and the like.
2. anywhere where she is a beneficiary change it to your two kids.
3. change the locks why you can not keep her out you can limit access
4. sell the house and buy something new with how the proceed and make sure it is only in your name.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Hi Lila,

whilst i am hot headed i've never laid a finger on my wife before and i am getting counselling and i am very ashamed of what i did but i lost control which my wife knew only to well would happen if she got other men involved.

It would be hard to sort out the divorce just yet as one i'm not allowed any contact with her and two as i mentioned earlier in the UK if i put in for the divorce it will cost me twice as much as her which isn't right and i'm still living in our family home which is bought and paid for.
 

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Hi Lila,

whilst i am hot headed i've never laid a finger on my wife before and i am getting counselling and i am very ashamed of what i did but i lost control which my wife knew only to well would happen if she got other men involved.

It would be hard to sort out the divorce just yet as one i'm not allowed any contact with her and two as i mentioned earlier in the UK if i put in for the divorce it will cost me twice as much as her which isn't right and i'm still living in our family home which is bought and paid for.
@Mr Sad, from one person who went through similar to another.....this is no time to be frugal. Even if you have to pay twice as much on court fees, your chances of ending up with a better final settlement are high if you strike while the iron is hot. if she's anything like the other love-sick cheaters, she's going to want to speed up the divorce process because of "lurv". She may be more agreeable to sign whatever you put before her.

On another note, did she give you any reasons as to why she left you?
 

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@Mr Sad, from one person who went through similar to another.....this is no time to be frugal. Even if you have to pay twice as much on court fees, your chances of ending up with a better final settlement are high if you strike while the iron is hot. if she's anything like the other love-sick cheaters, she's going to want to speed up the divorce process because of "lurv". She may be more agreeable to sign whatever you put before her.

On another note, did she give you any reasons as to why she left you?
Here in the UK the assets would be split 50/50 even though for more than 20 years she stayed at home whilst i went to work.

She didn't give me any real reasons as i mentioned she has basically told nothing but lies which i have been able to prove to my children, at one time i had a conversation with her on the phone which lasted probably around ninety minutes and i explained to her the biggest problem was her constant lies which meant that every time we took one step forward we would then take two steps backwards anyway right towards the end of the phone call she started telling more lies which i might add sounded really convincing, so i let her finish and then told her i knew she was telling lies which of course she denied furiously until i then put my side which proved without doubt she was telling lies and her response was oh yeah sorry.
 

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Mr. Sad
She is gone. Do not worry about what you might have done differently--likely nothing. She is a liar and a cheater period. Could she have had something going on with him years ago? I'm thinking they may have gotten together before the store and used it to meet.

Let go of the past. She is not who you thought she was and she may even have had some flirtations that did not pan out over the years. Better this happen now than in 20 more years.

Since you have loved no other woman, you do not have a comparison for what could possibly be even better. Work on yourself--the best revenge is success--become a desirable man. Suicide is a selfish choice--do not.

Most important is anger control. It sounds like your greatest fear was realized--no excuse. Some say depression is anger turned inward. Do not let her control your life in any way in the future--not even your thoughts. No one MAKES us angry--we choose how to respond. Be strong. Find support. Vent here.

Is there more hidden to this story--seems sort of a sudden switch?
 

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Sad
First, you need to see your physician ASAP. You made an attempt FFS. You need to be assessed and meds are needed at this time. Sorry, but you are nowhere near ready to deal with this until you get some professional feedback. You are a walking open wound.

From a professional standpoint I would not even begin to discuss this with you until you had been under a physicians care for at the minimum fourteen days. I would want your emotions and moods stabilized and some reasonable assurance that you were emotionally capable in assisting in the reasonable prosecution of your case. I realize it may have been several weeks since this originally transpired, however I urge you to see a professional before embarking on any resolution to this matter.
 

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Sad
First, you need to see your physician ASAP. You made an attempt FFS. You need to be assessed and meds are needed at this time. Sorry, but you are nowhere near ready to deal with this until you get some professional feedback. You are a walking open wound.

From a professional standpoint I would not even begin to discuss this with you until you had been under a physicians care for at the minimum fourteen days. I would want your emotions and moods stabilized and some reasonable assurance that you were emotionally capable in assisting in the reasonable prosecution of your case. I realize it may have been several weeks since this originally transpired, however I urge you to see a professional before embarking on any resolution to this matter.
I have seen a doctor and i'm on antidepressants and i have also now started counselling to help me control my temper and to help me come to terms with my break up.

I would like to also thank everyone for your comments and support it's much appreciated.
 

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I have seen a doctor and i'm on antidepressants and i have also now started counselling to help me control my temper and to help me come to terms with my break up.

I would like to also thank everyone for your comments and support it's much appreciated.

@Mr Sad, we'll be here for you.

Eventually you'll be asking for your username to be changed to reflect your growing confidence in yourself. :)
 

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Hi Mr S,
Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you WW has re written the marriage to justify her infidelity.
Regardless of the situation never x 3 lay a hand on anyone regardless of the situation unless in self defence. Adds more validity to their version of the marriage events.
Can you start walking the family pet, exercise etc. Try drinking less alcohol and lots of water and Eat well; this will help with stress.
Don’t engage with WW, let he lawyers do your communicating. She isn’t the woman you married, she is a damaged lying person, who has no regards for you or her children.
Buffer
 

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Hi Mr S,
Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you WW has re written the marriage to justify her infidelity.
Regardless of the situation never x 3 lay a hand on anyone regardless of the situation unless in self defence. Adds more validity to their version of the marriage events.
Can you start walking the family pet, exercise etc. Try drinking less alcohol and lots of water and Eat well; this will help with stress.
Don’t engage with WW, let he lawyers do your communicating. She isn’t the woman you married, she is a damaged lying person, who has no regards for you or her children.
Buffer
I do massively regret my actions unfortunately my temper got the better of me but i am getting proper counselling now, i just feel so hurt at the moment as i just don't know or understand how someone can destroy someone's life and hurt them so badly after more than 30 years together and then walk around with their head held high without a care in the world.
 
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