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doing what's best for the kids and trying to make this work.

With her recent track record...... JFC are you serious?..
 

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lol I am a mess. i feel like everyone here is just reading this, shaking their hand and facepalming.
Worry less about how you feel about what we think of you...it is your life after all...and more about how you feel about what you want from life.

Stop worrying about pleasing the masses of TAM. If you make poor decisions or sound ones, our lives will still go on unchanged.

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With all this being said, what makes someone worthy of R? A while back I asked if some of you don't believe in R at all, which seems to be the case for a lot in this thread. For those that do, what are the signs?

It seems like my W is...she's saying all the right things, taking action, taking full responsibility, etc...

She was scheduled to have a talk with her broker this morning about leaving the brokerage, and I beat around the bush for a bit but basically just told her that I don't feel 100% into it. Honeslty I don't want her making career decisions based on something I'm not 100% on board with. I don't know, I just can't get there. I told her i still don't fully believe the story about how things ended with her and OM and that she is still the person that lies and cheats; and that it doesn't change overnight. Harsh, but i was just being honest. I didn't want to come off as judgemental but i basically just said I can't fix her, and it has to come from within. She had a messed up childhood, terrible father, and her mom had a revolving door of crap stepdads. Her mom had to lie, steal and cheat just to support her 5 kids at 21 and it's what my wife grew up with. Good post Chuck, it's just so frustrating. The nice guy in me thought i could "fix" that. Some people just get dealt a *ty hand in life and it pains me that i have to end this relationshp because of her * luck in childhood.

So...we pretty much left it at that. Such a stupid situation. It's not something i want, but i just think it's necessary for the long term health of everyone involved. I hate that she put everyone in this situation but as comfortable as it makes me feel I don't think taking her back is the right decision at this time.
R meaning reconciliation and not rugsweeping to be successful has to have the correct basics. Even then there are no guarantees. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
Like a lot I don’t think you see her clearly. Time may tell though.
My wife and her sister had a crappy childhood. That did not translate into them being crappy people. However, if you’re looking for an excuse I guess that’ll work.
You don’t mind letting someone give you a crappy life then knock yourself out. At the end of the day it’s your life so do what you want with it.
 

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For peace of mind I would investigate if her and her boyfriend are still together. If not, what happened. Did he dump her or did she wake up to reality. These things make a huge difference.

Most here are seeing you wanting her back no matter what. That’s never a good sign. Repeated infidelity happens. No matter what you do won’t affect me at all. I’m just projecting on what I’ve seen and know.
 

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Hey all, thank you for all the advice and words.

Just for full transparency, she hasn't completely abandoned the kids. She has picked them up from day care some days and spent the afternoons with them, until she leaves at night to go back to her place. She calls to tell them goodnight, etc. Although they have only slept with her 2 nights of the last 33. The rest were at my house with me. Just wanted to get that out there; it's not a situation of full blown abandonment, fwiw.
This to me is the most telling part. Most decent mothers will look out after their kids.
See what is versus what you want to see. This was her abandoning her kids for her new boyfriend.
 

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JD......what was your childhood like with your parents / siblings? Are you indecisive often?

If so.... how do you make major decisions? Do you seek approval from others?

JD...... @Openminded is spot on..... you were talking the talk about moving on without her.......

until she came back, pleading to boot. If you want to D and begin a R.... go ahead. But you're

setting yourself up to get hurt again. Live apart for a good while. The first time she doesn't get

what she wants..... she will again, show you who she really is
 

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And i'll never know if she's telling me the truth about how things ended.
One think you know FOR SURE at this point is that she's an expert at lying to your face. So, I would start with the presumption that she's lying to you and will continue to lie to you. Because now she is in a relationship salvage mode. So, she's only thinking of her own interests and acting in a way that are harmful to your interests.

Think of it this way, the shockwave that will likely cause to your kids lives has been created by her own actions. It is not being caused by you trying to protect yourself. You got to keep that in mind. She should have thought of how her cheating is going to affect her kid's lives.
 

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It's freaking hard with the kids involved. I keep flip flopping on what to do. Everything you guys are saying is right, then i hear her and i start thinking that this could be different. And i'll never know if she's telling me the truth about how things ended. She says she "woke up" one day and realized how much she scrwed up, but there's no way to tell if that's true or if the OM dumped her. Really, that's just a small piece to this puzzle anyway.

The poster that asked if i would date this person without our history and just knowing what she's capable of...that hit hard. I guess at the end of the day it is just really hard to break off this relationship knowing the shockwaves it will cause, mostly with our kids. Part of me feels like i owe it to them to give this a shot and do things differently.
Nope, its an important thing to know. If her boyfriend dumped her she’s looking for a plan B. Which is you.

Think back she wanted to talk to you about getting back together before and then blew you off for something else.
 

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I’ve seen this more than I care to remember. The new boyfriend wants a piece of ass but not everything that comes with it. The kids aren’t his, etc.

If it were me and I was even contemplating an attempt at R I’d call him up and ask. You may not get the truth but it’s worth a shot IMO.

I would bet you could ferret out who dumped who. Or you may get a surprise and find out she’s still with him.
 

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This to me is the most telling part. Most decent mothers will look out after their kids.
See what is versus what you want to see. This was her abandoning her kids for her new boyfriend.
Yep
YOUR wife abandoned you and her kids to go shack up and have sex with another man. Now she wants to come back to the marriage and claim it was a huge mistake.
No, it was a huge, selfish, disrespectful, heart crunching, CHOICE.
What has changed about YOU that suddenly makes you the love of her life again? Answer: It one damn thing.
She and her feelings changed about you, and her choice was bye. BYE!!!

She didn’t make a mistake. She made a choice. You are right to divorce.

going after another woman will get you a chance at this: A woman who actually loves you. Your current wife is a liar and doesn’t love you. She lost her feelings for you and those feelings don’t just suddenly reappear. She’s plan B’d you and love bombing you, just like she was bombing the duck that replaced you.

It hurts. It’s scary. There are no sure things in life. But I feel pretty certain if you take your wife back you’ll regret it. There are circumstances where I’d say try to reconcile. Your case—-I don’t believe qualifies. What she did was wretched.
I would not want a person that was capable of complete and total treachery.
 

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I’ve seen this more than I care to remember. The new boyfriend wants a piece of ass but not everything that comes with it. The kids aren’t his, etc.

If it were me and I was even contemplating an attempt at R I’d call him up and ask. You may not get the truth but it’s worth a shot IMO.

I would bet you could ferret out who dumped who. Or you may get a surprise and find out she’s still with him.
Women normally don’t monkey branch until they have something solid lined up. Which is why I’m speculating that they may still be together. Do you know where she’s living?
 

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Women normally don’t monkey branch until they have something solid lined up. Which is why I’m speculating that they may still be together. Do you know where she’s living?
It's possible that she tried to monkey branch, one of the other possibilities is that she wanted to try out the other guy(s) just to feel the butterflies in the stomach. Since the whole thing came to a head because @johndoe12299 came across some evidence by mistake, We don't know if this was her first rodeo or not.
 

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OP Remember the day of the trip when she said she couldn't do this anymore? And she was moving out? And she also told you she envisioned you with someone who loved you and she would happy for you and not jealous?

Now she wants you again?

She extremely dysfunctional and fickle, but more importantly, a liar and a cheater.

I struggle to see why you would even entertain a relationship with that person again.
 

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There are no sure things in life.
One thing in his life is for sure: his wife abandoned him and their children so she could shag a coworker.

Life is not a game of baseball. Not every one deserves a second or third chance. Even if they happen to do the work and wind up deserving, they are not guaranteed a second chance. Games get rained out.

OP, read this entire thread again and truly see what she put you and the children through. Look at her behavior toward you while she was out of your home.
 

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One thing in his life is for sure: his wife abandoned him and their children so she could shag a coworker.

Life is not a game of baseball. Not every one deserves a second or third chance. Even if they happen to do the work and wind up deserving, they are not guaranteed a second chance. Games get rained out.

OP, read this entire thread again and truly see what she put you and the children through. Look at her behavior toward you while she was out of your home.
I second this.

Not only that she did to you....

But to the kids, with her fickleness and straight up her affair with another man.

She left the house and upset the kids and did huge damage to them on a selfish sexual whim.

Divorcing and moving out of the home after everything else has been tried to repair and remain in a marriage is one thing. You move out ONCE when the marriage is absolutely done.

The way she ****ed around with their lives moving out on a whim due to another dude is a horse of a different color.... she's a ****ty mother. Gotta say. I say this as a divorced mother myself.

You move out once and for all once you know you are absolutely divorcing. And you don't do it on a whim because you are in an affair with another man. You do it once you have worked your ass off to save the marriage but just can't.

Now she wants backsies?

Holy ****.
 

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JD............ look all through these boards and you will see..... a WS will link up with AP and

throw every egg they have into it. It's a fantasy, an escape, a "video game," and they will cling

on to the AP because they control the fantasy for the WS. A WS will die by the sword for the

fantasy to work. They have to... they just left their BS and kids behind. The LAST thing they

want to do is return to reality. Then they're held accountable....well to a degree, Then many BS

rugsweep it just to get away from the pain they've been through. WS gets off almost "scot free"

and realizes they can do this again once everything dies down. Soon after, the BS starts regretting

letting the WS off so easy. Not too long after, the WS starts looking for AP #2. Back on the

never ending roller coaster.

Key is..... the BS can get off the roller coaster ANY TIME they want.
 

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As others have stated, your wife left the kids to their own devices to go screw another man. I do not see what is in this for you at all. It simply more comfortable for you.
 

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I remember when my ex and I got together after his divorce from wife #1. She had moved into an apartment and did not have a room or any other accommodations for their two kids. None. What the hell kind of mother does that?? And why would you want that kind of woman in your life.


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@johndoe12299 read this:
 
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