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The last 2 weeks we have gone on 2 dates. Have had lots of candid talks. Just taking it one day at a time. I'm not holding anything back, whatever comes to my head I bring it up and discuss. We've done a lot of reading. She is willing to do whatever it takes. I told her i want to see the divorce through because our marriage is dead and anything else we might have would be a new relationship. I straight up just told her i want to protect myself against anything she may do in the future and she gets it. She says she will do whatever I need in order to build trust back.

Of course this could all be just pure desperation and things could go sideways in a year or two; but it will be a much cleaner break now that we are allowing the divorce to go through and start anew.

Problem is I am currently just struggling with knowing if this is what i want. 2 months ago i would have said definitely, but things have changed. I'm in a better headspace now, i received some female attention and was starting to realize that things wouldn't be so bad without her. I just have to ask myself if i'm in it for the comfort or because i truly want to make things work. I think i know the answer but i also don't want to make any rash decisions so I think i will see how this goes in the short term, and just ensure she understands where my head is at.

Maybe at this point you should ask her what is in it for you. This reconciliation. She know what she is getting. As you said, things are not so bad without her. What is so good with her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #462 ·
Side note, she just got a 1.5 and 2.5M listings in the last couple weeks...so any thoughts of her coming back for financial security have been somewhat abated... all that does is convince me that maybe she is back in for the right reasons...but it's just constant doubt hovering over my head.
 

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With all this being said, what makes someone worthy of R? A while back I asked if some of you don't believe in R at all, which seems to be the case for a lot in this thread. For those that do, what are the signs?

It seems like my W is...she's saying all the right things, taking action, taking full responsibility, etc...

She was scheduled to have a talk with her broker this morning about leaving the brokerage, and I beat around the bush for a bit but basically just told her that I don't feel 100% into it. Honeslty I don't want her making career decisions based on something I'm not 100% on board with. I don't know, I just can't get there. I told her i still don't fully believe the story about how things ended with her and OM and that she is still the person that lies and cheats; and that it doesn't change overnight. Harsh, but i was just being honest. I didn't want to come off as judgemental but i basically just said I can't fix her, and it has to come from within. She had a messed up childhood, terrible father, and her mom had a revolving door of crap stepdads. Her mom had to lie, steal and cheat just to support her 5 kids at 21 and it's what my wife grew up with. Good post Chuck, it's just so frustrating. The nice guy in me thought i could "fix" that. Some people just get dealt a *ty hand in life and it pains me that i have to end this relationshp because of her * luck in childhood.

So...we pretty much left it at that. Such a stupid situation. It's not something i want, but i just think it's necessary for the long term health of everyone involved. I hate that she put everyone in this situation but as comfortable as it makes me feel I don't think taking her back is the right decision at this time.

This scenario reads as if, "it sounds to good to be true". She confessed, will do anything to make it right, reading all the books, going to IC, just woke up realizing how she screwed up, and has told the family. It is almost a text book response. I see no remorse from her written in your posts.

You are still on the fence. That is good. The last time you got off the fence and went all in you got screwed. Slow it down. Your wife appears to be steamrolling her way back in with this miraculous awaking of her wrong doing.
 

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Side note, she just got a 1.5 and 2.5M listings in the last couple weeks...so any thoughts of her coming back for financial security have been somewhat abated... all that does is convince me that maybe she is back in for the right reasons...but it's just constant doubt hovering over my head.
Let her close on these homes. She will need the money if come tomorrow this smoke and mirrors of a turn around is not sitting right.
 

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Discussion Starter · #465 ·
I guess i left that out. She has been remorseful. She's expressed time and time agin she's sorry for ruining our marriage. She handwrote a letter to my parents giving them the details and apologizing to them. I have yet to give the letter to them though; as i want to be sure about all this before doing so.
 

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Discussion Starter · #466 ·
I think the poster that said we just need to be apart for a while hit the nail on the head(no pun intended @Nailhead lol)...i don't really believe in fate but i feel like if we are going to be together, we have to first be truly separate.
 

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Side note, she just got a 1.5 and 2.5M listings in the last couple weeks...so any thoughts of her coming back for financial security have been somewhat abated... all that does is convince me that maybe she is back in for the right reasons...but it's just constant doubt hovering over my head.
This is a fair point, and does show that she doesn't particularly need you. Also important is her willingness to divorce (at least for now) to protect you.

That said there is a difference between returning to you...and staying with you. Think 5 years from now. What will be different?

Look, man. It is clear you want to reconcile. On that, most posters on this site will encourage you to divorce, as you have seen.

So here is the hard question:

What have you seen besides her word (which is obviously not worth anything) that she will become a safe partner? Because she isn't right now, no matter what she may say.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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This scenario reads as if, "it sounds to good to be true". She confessed, will do anything to make it right, reading all the books, going to IC, just woke up realizing how she screwed up, and has told the family. It is almost a text book response. I see no remorse from her written in your posts.

You are still on the fence. That is good. The last time you got off the fence and went all in you got screwed. Slow it down. Your wife appears to be steamrolling her way back in with this miraculous awaking of her wrong doing.
In fairness, your entire first paragraph is illustrating actions that demonstrate remorse...especially the self exposure...followed by your statement that there has been no remorse.

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I think the poster that said we just need to be apart for a while hit the nail on the head(no pun intended @Nailhead lol)...i don't really believe in fate but i feel like if we are going to be together, we have to first be truly separate.
In life there is risk and reward. You are taking all the risk in this possible reconciliation. What reward is in this for you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #470 ·
In fairness, your entire first paragraph is illustrating actions that demonstrate remorse...especially the self exposure...followed by your statement that there has been no remorse.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
Not sure where i wrote there has been no remorse. Definitely a typo.

It's water under the bridge. After our conversation this morning it's over. I think it's best to just go through with D and take this time to ourselves. I feel like **** for confusing the **** out of my daughter with this back and forth nonsense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #471 ·
In life there is risk and reward. You are taking all the risk in this possible reconciliation. What reward is in this for you?
Just thinking out loud, but the reward is being in a relationship that is 10x more intimiate and close than we had in the past with someone who knows the deepest parts of me, and I of her.

I can get that with someone else, but it takes time, and the risk will be there with this person as well. Will she grow tired and leave in 5/10/14 years? Part of me feels like that risk is with anyone, so why not take the risk with someone that i already have a deep connection with?
 

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Discussion Starter · #472 ·
Is it selfish of me to wonder what it would be like to date other women? That is in the back of my head too. Prior to her coming back, there was the cincinatti incident, but i also had 2 dates lined up, which i canceled after hearing from wife. I texted the cincinatti girl for a bit after our meetup. It was just nice to talk to someone. Now, i have that in the back of my head(the what if) so that is affecting my decision. I guess it's what people in affairs think, "what if the grass is greener". I just feel like i owe it to myself to explore now, given everything that's happened. Part of me feels selfish to think that way. I see it as wanting to meet random women to satisfy my own desires instead of doing what's best for the kids and trying to make this work...
 

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With all this being said, what makes someone worthy of R? A while back I asked if some of you don't believe in R at all, which seems to be the case for a lot in this thread. For those that do, what are the signs?

It seems like my W is...she's saying all the right things, taking action, taking full responsibility, etc...

She was scheduled to have a talk with her broker this morning about leaving the brokerage, and I beat around the bush for a bit but basically just told her that I don't feel 100% into it. Honeslty I don't want her making career decisions based on something I'm not 100% on board with. I don't know, I just can't get there. I told her i still don't fully believe the story about how things ended with her and OM and that she is still the person that lies and cheats; and that it doesn't change overnight. Harsh, but i was just being honest. I didn't want to come off as judgemental but i basically just said I can't fix her, and it has to come from within. She had a messed up childhood, terrible father, and her mom had a revolving door of crap stepdads. Her mom had to lie, steal and cheat just to support her 5 kids at 21 and it's what my wife grew up with. Good post Chuck, it's just so frustrating. The nice guy in me thought i could "fix" that. Some people just get dealt a *ty hand in life and it pains me that i have to end this relationshp because of her * luck in childhood.

So...we pretty much left it at that. Such a stupid situation. It's not something i want, but i just think it's necessary for the long term health of everyone involved. I hate that she put everyone in this situation but as comfortable as it makes me feel I don't think taking her back is the right decision at this time.
@johndoe12299, It doesn't matter what we say, it only matters if you think (NOT FEAL) it's right for YOU!
The first lesson I learned in the (Strong Successful Man) school is have a plan and execute it and be decisive about it!
Like many successful CEOs when they have a business plan they execute it, if the results are not satisfying, they change their plans immediately with something completely new, they don't go in circles and no place for Sunk Cost Fallacy in their books!
Remember you are johndoe12299 v2.0 now, the strong, dominant, decisive man, fake it if you must (Fake it until you make it!)

You have a plan don't you?
You said you are divorcing then reconciling, so stick to it, if the results are not satisfying than change it completely!
That means you need to approach it just like a CEO of a company that is struggling to remain in business, he needs to take risks but also fires half of the company employees (destroying many families), no room for emotions or they will all sink and die!
If you plan to go through your plan you need to be strong like that CEO, strong and calculated in front of your wife, she needs to see you in that state, she needs to see that you have a plan, that you are strong and know what you want!

And in your plan you need to have game!
Meaning have sex if you want to, call her and tell her you want her, let her come over and... smash!
Be dominant in bed, don't ask, do what you want!
Never let her see you indecisive or emotionally weak or vulnerable!

Or

Move on with your life, with something new and exciting, because reconciling with cheater is selling yourself short (My recommendation)!
 

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Discussion Starter · #474 ·
thank you. My biggest hangup is making all these requests of her, having her leave her brokerage, etc...when i'm not 100% sure this is what i want and I don't know when I'll know that
 

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It's 10x more intense because it's love bombing
 
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Just thinking out loud, but the reward is being in a relationship that is 10x more intimiate and close than we had in the past with someone who knows the deepest parts of me, and I of her.

I can get that with someone else, but it takes time, and the risk will be there with this person as well. Will she grow tired and leave in 5/10/14 years? Part of me feels like that risk is with anyone, so why not take the risk with someone that i already have a deep connection with?
So this is more "comfortable" for you than starting anew with another. Understandable with the history. Just....what has occurred will be in the back of your mind from here on out. If that is something you can accept, she seems genuine with reconciling then I hope it works out for you.
 

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Reconciliation doesn’t work for many — and that includes those who manage to stay married until the end. Having been through it, and having been on TAM for many years, I almost never recommend it. A few here have succeeded, with a great deal of work, but there are a lot that have not and there are plenty of reasons for that. Recovering from betrayal is the hardest thing you will ever do. You can never trust the way you once did because now you know what they’re capable of.

You have always come across to me as desperate to reconcile and very codependent (yes, you are a mess — that’s just one part of what infidelity does). If that’s the message you’ve given your daughter, that was a mistake because at this point you don’t know if reconciliation would work or not. You need time to focus on you without rushing into this. Let the divorce go through. See how things process. Maybe you’ll get back together and maybe you won’t — time will tell.
 

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Part of me feels like that risk is with anyone, so why not take the risk with someone that i already have a deep connection with?

Who cheated on you, left you, left her kids behind to shack up with a mooch. You can do A LOT better
 
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