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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all, first of all I want to say thanks for this forum. Finding it has been a breath of fresh air and has provided great information and consolation in the fact of knowing other men and women are going through what I am currently going through. Thanks in advance for all replies and time spent reading this.

My story begins on June 9. This was a day my wife, 2 kids and I(ages 2 and 5) were supposed to leave to take a family trip to the mountains along with my parents and sister's family. All good, right?

I talk to her at lunch and discuss logistics of when we are leaving, packing, etc... She sends me a picture of them celebrating her sales leader for the month at work, all that jazz.

I get home, go to the master bedroom and our bags are sitting there packed. I can immediately sense something is wrong from my wife's demeanor. Cue the 'stomach wrenching feeling'. I definitely can't recall what was exactly said that day as it's a blur by now, but she basically said she couldn't go on the trip. She didn't want to pretend in front of my family. She was tired of trying. "It shouldn't be this hard", etc...

I know it's cliche but i was pretty flabbergasted. I, like most people, thought we had a decent marriage. I'm not going to sit here and say it was great as we had our struggles. But there was definitely no incident in the previous couple of weeks like any sort of argument that would have triggered this. She just sounds emotionally drained(now that i read about WWs, the traits are similar) I don't do anything like beg, ask her about the kids, etc...I really am just mostly shocked and if i recall i pretty much hear her out on a few things and leave the room to be with the kids and try my best to keep it together. She takes a nap, then wakes up at 9pm to head to her sister's house.

****
Now, a little back ground. Rewind to 3 nights before, i giver her oral and we have great sex. This was preceded by us reading a big we got from our marriage retreat together and going over the sex chapter. She was turned on by it.

Next night she has a bit of a breakdown and says she is losing her faith. She joined christianity prior to us getting married 7 years ago and our lack of a "spiritual" connection has always been something she's brought up. Over the years we've tried reading books together. I've always supported her journey, have attended church with her on a semi regular basis; but am not quite where she is on the belief scale. She mentions the only thing keeping her trying in the marriage was her faith and without her faith she doesn't know if she can do it(red flag anyone...boy i should have saw this coming right then and there).

I console her and offer to pray with her. We finish the night with a BJ and anal sex. That sounds crass but I just want to give an idea of our relationship directly leading up to D Day.

***

Now, that marriage book i mentioned. It's christian based and it talked heavily about the role sex plays in a marriage and what's expected of wife and husband.

My wife has had a rough childhood, to say the least. Her mom had her at 14, and had 5 kids by the age of 23. Lots of men came in and out. Terrible things were done to my wife, and she's had **** bfs. Her dad treated her like ****. The whole 9 yards. She and I have been to counseling to discuss her past, and how to best navigate those waters in our relationship.

I think the book may have been a part of the trigger that set her off.
***
Now, back to d-day. Some of the other things she said, and has said before in counseling, is that she would be totally good with never having sex again. She sometimes feel asexual. She's tired of feeling the pressure to have sex, and that it wasn't me, but just being in a marriage brought her constant anxiety about it. I could go on but i think you get the gist of it. It is hard to explain if you haven't been with a victim of sexual abuse.
***

Well, she sleeps at her sister's for a few nights and i really don't contact her much. Intuition told me just to leave her alone as much as possible if i wanted any chance at salvaging this. She ends up getting a airbnb a few days later and informs me she is living there for the remainder of June.

Now, I am sure i ****ed up here as I probably should have just said no but I don't think i had much ground to stand on as we have joint accounts and she brings in an income. So i considered the cost of airbnb coming out of her income.

Anyway, fast forward a little bit and I'm a week into the guilt trip. Playing back everything in my head, "what did i do wrong? what can i do going forward" You all know it. The kind of reflection that drives you crazy. Well, maybe a week or week and a half later, she comes over to spend time with the kids(i have been keeping them all this time) and I notice her ring is off. So, as an emotional mess I can't keep it in and ask her what's up with that? She basically says that she doesn't know what she wants and she needs to work on herself. I don't remember her exact words. (Again, here is where i should have just said alright we are done now and silo'd her). We then go into the room and talk more(again, i shouldn't have done this but i was desperately seeking clarity). I still at this point never once asked her to come back, or say things like "what about the kids, me, etc" so I can at least cling to that, ha! But i do go into my spiel about how being alone gives so much time to reflect on things and look at the relationshp from an outsider's perspective. How I probably didn't love her the way she wanted to be loved (me thinking that providing everything for the family was good enough, possibly didn't help out enough with the kids, all that jazz) Basically a little bit of honesty and truth but quite possibly coming off as a sap. I just thought honesty at that point was the way to go, but I now know that just looks like it was all my fault for my wife getting to this point; which i know is not the truth.

But I didn't. I don't think i had discovered this forum yet but it was around this time where i found a thread where someone outlined like 35 steps on what to do. Maybe the 180 method, i'm not sure. I really liked it. I was already doing a few things, but made sure to add some more to my arsenal.

A few days go by and we don't talk much. She comes over to see the kids and she comes to talk in the room and talks about how "thanks for everything you said the other night; it's not all true. You did everything you needed, etc" Basically telling me not to beat myself up over it. "But", she says(there's always a but!)..."when i think about us and you in the future, I envision you with the kids and someone that loves you, and I don't feel anything. No jealousy, anger, etc"(code red anyone??) At this point i should have just saw the writing on the wall, but i was dumb, and stubborn, and just asked her one last thing: if she could consider going on a retreat for sexual trauma victims. I had it in my head that she dipping back into a worse mental state and that her past was to blame. (this still may be partially the case, that is up for debate).

Also at some point during the "talk" that night she says she's just tired of having to answer to anyone, doesn't want to feel obligated to have sex, wants to be able to do what she wants with her money(we had argued about how much she should donate to charity recently). Lots of different things all pointing back to basically wanting to not be tied down to anyone or have any sort of marital/family obligation. She talks about how she's jealous of my cousin who has his kid 7 & 7(the week off).

She ultimately agrees to go on the retreat and asks if we could wait until she returns before she makes a decision about us. It's so early on in the process i basically say OK. I mean at that point what else am I going to do?

***

There's about a 2.5 week period before the retreat ends so not much happens. I am still living with the kids, trying hard to focus on them. Taking them on outings, keeping them occupied outside, etc. We don't talk much outside of about the kids. At one point we text a bit and i basically just tell her I am good with wahtever the outcome of this retreat is, and to not go into it with expectations. She is very thankful and tells me she hopes it changes the way she feels about us, because that's what she wants.

***

Fast forward to end of the retreat(she texted me several messages and pictures, had a 30 minute convo about one of her sessions). Myself and the kids pick her up at the airport and she seems in good spirits. She recommends we take the kids to lunch so we do that.

We get home, put the kids down for a nap and she hands me a card she wrote the day before with an excerpt from the note being "I have also gained what i wanted here - peace and clarity. Whatever I do in love is the right decision for me. I love you. I hope you can see me"

So, at this point I really just want clarity on the situation so we go talk in the room and she basically says her feelings have not changed. The counselors there asked her what her idea of happiness was in 6 months and she says "to see my husband with someone that loves him unconditionally" and to be coparenting. Says she wants to be able to eat what she wants, do what she wants(uhhh, what? I never once told her she couldn't do these things, I was also the one who recommended she get out of the house and taking care of the kids, and pursue a real estate career. Which she did and has been great at itthis year)

But i knew not to try and argue and question tat reasoning with logic. I basically just told her I never did any of that, and she stated it wasn't me, just being in a marriage made her feel that way and that she didn't think she was cut out for the traditional marriage lifestyle.Felt invisible, etc "just a mom and wife"...

Anyway, at that point I get the message loud and clear. Now here's where it gets fun

*

Later that day I log into my cell phone plan to add some data. Both of our lines are on the plan, and i see the "data usage" link. I figure "why not, let me check". I keep seeing a number pop up, with some extremely long call times(2-5 hours. Yes, 300 minutes for one call). These calls go back several weeks, including while on her retreat. Ultimately i go back and and see the first time his number shows up is 2 days before D day.

Now, Some may call me naive, and sure I am; but just for full disclosure and honesty I never once considered the the possibility of another man in the picture. Again, this will probably come off as extremely naive as I'm sure most guys feel this way until it happens to them, but she held herself with high integrity, christian values, and absolutely despised cheaters. You guys are all probably laughing at me now, as you probably saw it coming from a mile away while reading all of that text, but what can i say. If i thought my spouse had that bone in her body i would not have married her. But, I'm just being real here. Opening myself up and being truthful.

I do some digging and the guy is a person she works with at the brokerage. I do more digging and his social media presence is very slim which is odd considering he's a RE agent and 32yo. I also find he has a long term GF that works in the same hometown I'm from. I have no idea if it's physical yet. It probably is if I'm being honest, but i have no proof. All i know is it would be hard to be physical at night as they are on the phone for hours just about every night, and she knows i know where she is so if i ever got a wild hair i could easily check in. Definitely possibly some day time stuff going on.

So, that's where we are. I am here a week later. I haven't told her anything. I haven't told the GF anything. Just my parents know(my dad's inital hunch at the very beginning was another man, i said it was the bottom of my list of concerns. Dad knows best...)

I did slip up and tell her Mom i know this past Saturday. I know how horrendously stupid that was. Like, seriously ****ing stupid. Her mom and i had been talking because my wife had cut her and all her aunts off from communication so her Mom would call me to check on the kids. I just held it in for a week and had to get it off my chest and she was within reach. She promised she wouldn't say anything. We'll see.

I've bascially kept it status quo with the wife for the past week. Minimal talking. She offered to take the kids this past weekend. It was so last minute I had no time to get any kind of decent VAR. I bought one from best buy but it was garbage and i didn't have a great place to conceal it. So, i set up my laptop in the room to use the Mic to listen to her call. However that was a fail because there is a time limit on the Windows voice recorder app. Also, when i returned Sunday my laptop was closed, lol. She never mentioned it so I wonder if she was tipped off? That was so clumsy of me. It was just a last ditched rush job to catch something on tape.

*

So, where do we go from here? When do I approach her about the long phone calls? Do i keep it on the down low until i can gain more info? She has told me several times "she doesn't want anything". I discussed selling the house and splitting the equity. "I don't want to take anything from you, this is all my fault" Of course that can change on the drop of a dime so I'm thinking i need to get some more solid evidence of promiscuity before tipping her off that i know(or before her mom says anything) When do I tell the other gf?

I have a consultation with my lawyer tomorrow. She is supposed to be a great advocate for father's rights. Anxious to see how it goes and what she's going to recommend. My thoughts for not confronting the wife about it now is i just want to keep her in her current good spirits of "i don't want anything" rather than rocking teh boat confronting her about this OM. Thoughts? Candid honesty is welcome! But really, just thanks for reading all this mess. It's cathartic to write it all out and get it off my chest.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
also, any GPS tracking devices/VARs you folks recommend? I really, really hate that i was too in a daze and filled with false hope earlier to not buy those sooner. She took the kids to her house the second night of the weekend so i'm thinking that combined with the laptop lid being closed she might be on to me trying to listen in on something.

Little does she know I still have access to phone records.
 

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She is already finished. Who cares at this point. Your wasting your time from this point forward. It has been told to you plain as day she is no longer interested..... multiple times. Get the message.....get the divorce.... and move on with your life.

What’s really going to happen: you will mentally anguish over every last detail... how come... why...who is he...why him....how do I win her back....why is he better than me.... I need details....I want answers.....I want people to dislike her.... I want our friends to choose me .....blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Dude ...... save yourself.... don’t bother.

It’s finished
 

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I would do exactly what she suggested find someone who will love you and never ever look back.

She’s abandoning her husband and kids, she’s beyond help. Don’t try fixing her or suggesting anymore therapy or retreats or anything.

Grieve it, and again, find someone who loves you. You’re an absolute catch, there’s a broken heart out there just waiting for a loyal father and husband.

Find someone who loves you, and forget this emotional mess of a woman.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
@mr married

Heh. Your second paragraph has been the last week. Honestly though, she called yesterday as it sounds she was having a break down after being *****ed out by her mother. I listened to her for about 10 minutes. After I got off the phone, i just sat there thinking "what are you doing? get your **** together". Called the lawyer this morning and set up my appt for 1:30 tomorrow.

I'm just saying it's not easy when kids are involved man. "get the message"...yeah in hindsight there were multiple things in that post where i should have immediately shut it down and called lawyer; but the family unit clouds judgement for sure. That, and my sympathy for her mental issues.

But, I get it. I'm past that. Ready to get this process rolling and be the best Dad i can be for my kids, because they need a strong, stable figure right now.
 

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@mr married

Heh. Your second paragraph has been the last week. Honestly though, she called yesterday as it sounds she was having a break down after being **ed out by her mother. I listened to her for about 10 minutes. After I got off the phone, i just sat there thinking "what are you doing? get your * together". Called the lawyer this morning and set up my appt for 1:30 tomorrow.

I'm just saying it's not easy when kids are involved man. "get the message"...yeah in hindsight there were multiple things in that post where i should have immediately shut it down and called lawyer; but the family unit clouds judgement for sure. That, and my sympathy for her mental issues.

But, I get it. I'm past that. Ready to get this process rolling and be the best Dad i can be for my kids, because they need a strong, stable figure right now.
I like you already 👍

Try to keep your head down and keep plowing forward. No one will claim it isn’t difficult. You just have to do it.

There is a little cutie waiting for you on the other side...... you’ll see 👍
 

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Move your money into your name only so she can’t spend or take all of what’s available (she will).
She left her kids - she’s capable of anything terrible.
Ask the court for 100% custody a d she can pay you child support. Take tax records and get proof of income to the attorney.
Close her credit cards unless they are in her name only…
Make sure she can’t swipe assets and put them in her name only.
Change passwords on everything…including the garage door opener.
Just start eliminating her from your life. She left a while back - this is just the result of it all.

Be done with her and move forward knowing she is t a good person and she sure isn’t a good wife or mother.
Of course her mother outed her. Anything you say to her mon will go immediately to the wife.

Just get the divorce filed and make sure you don’t look back.
 

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I agree, go for full custody. She abandoned her kids to go screw another dude. I knew it three sentences into your first post.
You’re hurting. Your emotions will screw your over. Let your attorney take care of this. Full custody. That’s non negotiable. Have proof the kids have been with you the whole time for months. Get the best possible settlement.
Ignore any thoughts you have about being fair.
Forget the person you think she was. She’s not that person.

she’s been lying to you this whole time and making you think you’re the bad guy.

she’s a terrible mother, terrible wife, and terrible person. Don’t give her a pass because bad things happened to her years ago. Everyone has a past. These are her choices.
 

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She's agreeing to give you primary of the kids and the marital home, free and clear, because she "doesn't want to take anything from you"? Do it now. Tell that lawyer to make printer go brrrrr, get those papers signed by her, and file them ASAP.

Also, her offer might be contingent upon her leaving with a spotless reputation. If you out the affair she may do a swift about face and fight for the kids and the assets. I'm going to go against my normal advice and say keep your mouth firmly shut until the paperwork goes through and then out her to all and sundry.
 

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Even if you go for full custody please make sure she sees the children for their sakes.
 

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Even if you go for full custody please make sure she sees the children for their sakes.
omg. What is it with this for the children sakes?

she’s abandoned them. He has not mentioned EVER that he’s even considering keeping her away from her kids.

the fact is, she doesn’t want to be a mother anymore. The kids are BETTER OFF not seeomg a person like this and thinking she is what a mom really is like. But the OP has never even mentioned not letting her as the kids.
 

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She's agreeing to give you primary of the kids and the marital home, free and clear, because she "doesn't want to take anything from you"? Do it now. Tell that lawyer to make printer go brrrrr, get those papers signed by her, and file them ASAP.

Also, her offer might be contingent upon her leaving with a spotless reputation. If you out the affair she may do a swift about face and fight for the kids and the assets. I'm going to go against my normal advice and say keep your mouth firmly shut until the paperwork goes through and then out her to all and sundry.
Absolutely positively correct. OP, you have a very short window to get her to do as she says. Hours , not days. When what little conscience she has goes away, her buds start putting ideas in her head about how she should get this and that, etc.——- you’re screwed.

if your lawyer doesn’t draw up the paperwork and she can’t sign it TODAY, get A lawyer who WILL. As MJEAN told you, it’s a matter of printing it out. Get it done. You will not have this chance for much longer. If you don’t get this done literally today, it will be a huge huge HUGE mistake.

please listen and take action.
 

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@mr married

Heh. Your second paragraph has been the last week. Honestly though, she called yesterday as it sounds she was having a break down after being **ed out by her mother. I listened to her for about 10 minutes. After I got off the phone, i just sat there thinking "what are you doing? get your * together". Called the lawyer this morning and set up my appt for 1:30 tomorrow.

I'm just saying it's not easy when kids are involved man. "get the message"...yeah in hindsight there were multiple things in that post where i should have immediately shut it down and called lawyer; but the family unit clouds judgement for sure. That, and my sympathy for her mental issues.

But, I get it. I'm past that. Ready to get this process rolling and be the best Dad i can be for my kids, because they need a strong, stable figure right now.
Next time she wants to vent:

"Emotional consoling is for people who are in a loving marriage. You have made it clear we are no longer in one, so I have no interest in hearing about your problems."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Hi there,

Having been in an unhappy marriage and having an affair in the past, from her reactions to you, she’s feeling guilty. If you think you can salvage the marriage, I would consider discussing it with her. No matter how hurt or pissed you might be, try not to show it and listen to her whys. Pay attention to what she’s getting from this other person that she thinks you aren’t giving her. It might not change her decision and she might not admit to it because she might be ashamed but you can at least know you tried.
Best wishes on everything.
 

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She is already finished. Who cares at this point. Your wasting your time from this point forward. It has been told to you plain as day she is no longer interested..... multiple times. Get the message.....get the divorce.... and move on with your life.

What’s really going to happen: you will mentally anguish over every last detail... how come... why...who is he...why him....how do I win her back....why is he better than me.... I need details....I want answers.....I want people to dislike her.... I want our friends to choose me .....blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Dude ...... save yourself.... don’t bother.

It’s finished
As someone who went through the exact same thing, I agree with this 100%. See a lawyer quick. You won't get a better chance at getting an uncontested divorce with the best settlement possible.

I do not recommend taking full custody of your kids unless you feel you can handle being a single parent 24/7. You may not like HER right now but your kids don't know any better. They need both parents in their lives. I will also say that it's much easier to find women to date when you have shared custody than full custody. Modern dating already sucks. Don't add more hurdles unless you absolutely need to
 

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Your wife is and has been neck deep into a sexual affair with a shiny new lover. If you look at the phone records you can probably spot when it started.

Betrayed spouse syndrome:
Swallow their lies (all cheaters lie a lot) because you can’t deal with the truth.
Blame yourself because if it’s your fault you can fix this. BS. She is having an affair because she wants to. Period. You didn’t make her a cheater. It’s 100% on her.
Do the infamous “pick me dance” or try nicing her back which will lower your status even more while making her shiny new lover look even better.

You are the only one that can make yourself a chump.
Get strong and stay there or you will put yourself in a long painful stay in limbo

Go into hard no contact now. See an attorney and get the divorce rolling. Right now she is having great porn star sex with her other man. Move fast or linger in hell.

Infidelity is a life long gift. LET HER GO. FREE YOURSELF.
 

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Your wife is and has been neck deep into a sexual affair with a shiny new lover. If you look at the phone records you can probably spot when it started.

Betrayed spouse syndrome:
Swallow their lies (all cheaters lie a lot) because you can’t deal with the truth.
Blame yourself because if it’s your fault you can fix this. BS. She is having an affair because she wants to. Period. You didn’t make her a cheater. It’s 100% on her.
Do the infamous “pick me dance” or try nicing her back which will lower your status even more while making her shiny new lover look even better.

You ate the only one that can make you seem a chump.
Get strong and stay there or you will put yourself in a long painful stay in limbo

Go into hard no contact now. See an attorney and get the divorce rolling. Right now she is having great porn star sex with her other man. Move fast or linger in hell.

Infidelity is a life long gift. LET HER GO. FREE YOURSELF.
^^^This! Some of the best advice you will get
 

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Right now is not the time to stand around flat footed living on hopium that she wakes up and gets it. My sister was a wayward and she never got it.

Beware of those telling you to try and save your marriage at all cost. You don’t have one to save since she’s out screwing her new boyfriend. Pastors, friends, family usually have no clue in dealing with a cheater/infidelity.

The one thing you need to get is they lie. A lot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Hey all, thank you for all the advice and words.

Just for full transparency, she hasn't completely abandoned the kids. She has picked them up from day care some days and spent the afternoons with them, until she leaves at night to go back to her place. She calls to tell them goodnight, etc. Although they have only slept with her 2 nights of the last 33. The rest were at my house with me. Just wanted to get that out there; it's not a situation of full blown abandonment, fwiw.


So, I met with the lawyer today; and honestly i'm walking away more confused than ever. Louisiana is a backwards ass state, obviously; as we are the only state in the union that follows civil law, and not common law.

Basically, my lawyer's advice to me was to carry on as much as i can and wait out the 365 day period we have to be separated. The earlier i serve papers, the earlier i have to pay spousal support.

It was a ton of information and my head is spinning at this point. I told her my wife seems to want to have an "easy" splitup and not take anything...however even if we get that in writing, statute of limitations is 3 years and she can dissolve anything in writing and come back for her half.

This is ****ed.
 
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